Happy New Year

This time last year, my entire world was just beginning to fall apart… this time… everything is fine, mostly.

If you’ll remember, this time last year half of my office had quit and then my biller went into labor early. Meaning I had to do bill out by myself, and mom and I had to close the year almost all by ourselves. It was the beginning of the worst 7 months of my life.

This year, we have a full office, and actually one more person than usual. Bill out has still been annoying, because the finance office didn’t get the deals in here, but it’s going a fair bit better than last year.

In personal news, Chris and I spent New Year’s Eve with Rob and Amber… because why not visit Ramberland once in a while? They gave us a present of “Drunk Jenga,” complete with rules. I felt bad we didn’t get them anything… Then they had to show us their rats. They adopted rats. Together. It’s… gross. Lol. Cute rats, though. Very social. Very sweet.

The rest of the evening we pretty much just ate taquitos and jalapeno poppers, and played card games. I brought What Do You Meme, purchased specifically for a game I thought I might be good at. Rob Won. Sigh. Amber had been drinking well before we got there, and somewhere in between us switching games over to Unstable Unicorns she went into the bathroom for a VERY long time. When she came out she’d gone from super happy talkative Amber, to very subdued and tired looking Amber. Lol. I think she got sick.

But it was all around a nice evening. I won Unstable Unicorns, and at midnight we shot confetti poppers. Then, since it was three sets of couples (Chris & I, Ramberland, & Amber’s roommates), we all threw confetti on our heads and took selfies…

It was a good way to start the year. The whole weekend was, really.

Chris had Brin last week, and Addi, so he was pretty busy. When it turned out Brin had to leave early, because a big ass storm was coming into Wyoming, I opted NOT to meet her so she could have more time with Chris. I’m not really important. Lol. I volunteered to ride along next time he heads up that way. I can meet Brin and he can show me around his hometown. I also told him we’d visit my hometown one day…. but I dunno when we’ll have money for that. Lol.

After Brin left Chris had to take Addi up to her mom’s for the week. That’s nice. I know Addi misses her mom a lot, so I was excited to hear she was staying the week. I asked if he wanted to come over afterward, and he did. Somewhere around 10 he finally got back and came over. We ordered pizza and played The Evil Within. It was a low key night, but it was fun. I also introduced him to HarmonQuest, which he gets a kick out of.

Sunday morning we slept late and then went to breakfast, my treat. Unfortunately, breakfast tried to murder me… so I ended up going home and laying down for a while, and he went home to do laundry. I apologized, but he said it was fine. He’s suspiciously supportive and understanding… and I love that about him. Later I felt better and asked if he wanted to go do a thing. He said yeah, but didn’t know what we’d do. Honestly, we could do anything and I’d be in, so I suggested he take me to Crit Castle.

Crit Castle is a board game shop equipped with tables for demo plays. They have a whole room full of games you can play. So we went, and his friend Danielle was already there. She abandoned her game to play something with us. I won! It was unexpected but exciting for me. I never win anything. While we were setting up, my friend Autumn came in. I didn’t notice, but she noticed me. It was nice to see her. We played another game I lost terrible at, some Cthulhu game, Lost in R’lyeh. It was fun, but confusing. I’m unsure of the strategy for it.

In general it was a nice new year. So different from last year… I hope 2019 is a good year…


Christmas Shenanigans.

Christmas has come and gone, and it was a pretty nice one for me.

Friday was Yule. That didn’t mean a lot at the time, but in retrospect I really enjoyed my Yule. I had to drive Mom downtown for her managers’ dinner, so I took Chris with me to kill time. We dropped Mothership at the steakhouse and found parking.

Chris and I were also looking for dinner, and we ended up at BD’s Mongolian BBQ. It’s this neat little place off 16th St Mall where you fill a bowl with what you want, then take it to these dudes working a giant griddle with long sword-like spatulas. They do tricks and stuff. It’s like a Hibachi, but cheaper and with less fish. Lol. It was fun! And tasty. I put too much garlic in mine, but it was so good.


After that we headed over to 1up for some games, but got distracted by this incredibly pretty alley we found. We investigated and it’s like a small shopping community with a winery and bars and retail hidden between buildings. It was kind of magical.


I love finding random awesome in Denver.

When we finally got to 1up, I won the first round of Street Fighter! Lost all the other rounds, though. This was the beginning of a trend. Lost Pacman. Lost Carn Evil. Even lost Burgetime, which is the FIRST VIDEO GAME I EVER PLAYED AS A KID. Chris is so worried about me feeling bad about it, but honestly I just like playing. I don’t have excellent hand-eye coordination, so I just don’t do that great with video games. He appreciates I like them anyways.


After 1up we went wandering. A homeless guy approached us and asked for money for food… and I had a taco purse full of quarters from 1up, so I emptied it into his hands. He was so excited. I felt really good about it. I don’t always give to the homeless…. mostly I offer to buy them food…. but when I give it’s nice to see that I made someone’s day.

We were wandering around with nothing to do for a while and we were going to go to Union Station when I realized we were next to the Oxford Hotel. I love the Oxford Hotel. It’s old and posh and during Halloween they love telling people about the ghosts that live there. So I dragged Chris into this hotel lobby and we wandered around the hotel. We really shouldn’t have gone everywhere I took him, but it was an adventure.


After that excursion we really just hung out in the hotel lobby. We played chess. I lost. I was mad about it. Chess is my thing…. damn him for being better at things than I am. Lol. I’m not really mad, just disappointed in myself. I hate losing.

After we picked up Mothership and took her home it was midnight. Chris had to work in the morning, but agreed to come meet my friends for an hour anyways. He’s so good to me. Lol. So i got to introduce him to Tam, who drove down from Wyoming for karaoke, and Sarah, who’s pregnant with her second kid, and he already knew Addison and Lisa. We didn’t stay very long, but I thanked him a lot for coming. My friends are all really intrigued by the guy that survived the gauntlet I put people through. I feel like that says more about me than it does him, really.

Saturday Chris worked, and then after he got off he came over to take a nap. Lol. I tried to nap with him, but I’m not a good napper. I ended up reading for a while, but couldn’t get comfy, so me and the dogs headed downstairs where I read for a while longer before I queued up Layers of Fear. I’ve been meaning to play it, but I spooked myself the first time.

So I was engaged deep in that when he finally got up. He scared the shit out of me and the dogs. It was pretty amusing. We laughed. Then he inquired about the game and I offered to let him play with me. Since I’m not great at games I kind of love WATCHING people play games, and helping when able. He dug the idea and we spent the evening swapping off. Since Layers of Fear is more of an experience than an action game, it was different for him, too. I decided the next game we co-op should be The Evil Within, since he really liked the INSANITY dynamics that Layers of Fear uses.

Sunday I had to go to brunch with Mothership, Christine, and Dru. We met at Seasons 52 and had a lovely brunch. All I wanted was to get back to Chris, if I’m honest. The food was good, but I got angry trying to find the restaurant and it kind of carried over into a “why am I here” kind of thing. I was glad when it was over. Mothership and I went to 2nd & Charles afterward. I went to find The Evil Within…. I left with two books instead. I love that store. Even when I fail, I win! Mom just shook her head, but the books are part of an anthology series I’m collecting, so she didn’t say too much about it.

Then we went to the grocery, and when I got home I waited for Chris to come over. I read mostly. When he came over we queued up Layers of Fear, got some Chipotle, and just hung out. I love spending time with him.

Monday was Christmas Eve. I had to work. Chris had to work. After work Mom and I went to see The Mule. It was pretty good. I didn’t think I’d get to see Chris again, but at the last minute he invited me to midnight mass with him. Which I accepted, but also panicked about. I hadn’t been to a church in a LONG time, and I’d never been to an episcopal church before.

First of all, he told me to just wear a nice shirt, and then showed up in a suit. Boy dresses up nice. HOT. Red is definitely a power color for him. I was glad I’d dressed a little nicer than just a nice shirt, but I think I still looked out of place next to a guy in a suit. Anyways, to my joy, the program they handed you at the door literally had all the directions for mass in it. When to stand and sit and what to say. As a Catholic I’m used to memorizing that kind of thing, but not the Episcopals… lol.

I had a surprisingly good time. I always kind of enjoyed church, even if I don’t really religion. It was super nostalgic for me. Chris laughed at that. I also volunteered to go with him any time he can’t get out of going with his mom. I don’t mind.

We then went back to my place and watched A Muppet Christmas Carol. SO GOOD. It’s my favorite Christmas movie. Chris thought my excitement and knowledge of the whole movie was adorable!

Christmas morning I got up and casually woke Chris up. We talk in bed a lot, and cuddle. Then I had to go to Mom’s, so he was getting ready to leave and noticed he’d gotten a text saying his ex had already dropped off Addison early. Like hella early. So it was good I had to kick him out, I guess.

Christmas with Mom was good. She got me a new 10″ Kindle Fire, a sweater, a cool jacket, a drone with video interface, some earrings, and some other just fun stuff. I was angry because I haven’t heard where HER Christmas present is. I emailed the company but haven’t heard back yet. SO ANNOYING.

Anyways… that’s me. Nothing too interesting, I guess.


Unsure if I should get a hysterectomy

TL;DR Might not need hysterectomy, but surgeon is willing to do it… unsure if I should.

30F HPV+

So my entire reproductive system has been against me since I was like 12, which is when I started getting paps. I started so early because my periods have always wrecked me. They can lay me up for days, so my doc put me on birth control to regulate my hormones. I guess I have poly-cystic ovaries, plus an enlarged ovary that pumps out too many hormones, and it was ASSUMED I have endometriosis, but my doc didn’t see a reason to actually look because I was a kid. My hormones regulated out on birth control, but the period pain just became something I lived with, as well as failing paps and having to have a colposcopy every year. It was annoying, and it was nerve wracking, but I just got used to it.

This year, with new insurance and a new set of doctors, I failed my pap, got setup for the colpo, and for the first time they cut chunks out for biopsy. It was very painful. I’d never had a colpo be painful before, and I had to go home from work afterwards because it hurt so much. Results showed pre-cancerous cells. While I’m accustomed to having mild dysplasia, this was not mild. It was very concerning. They wanted to do a LEEP. I didn’t know what that meant. I kind of blacked out when it was vaguely explained and I made them schedule me a consult because I wanted to know WHAT IS HAPPENING.

So today was the consult. Very nice doctor, I looked up her credentials. I trust no one. I also took my mom with me, because I didn’t wanna black out in a panic. So the long and short is I have HPV and squamous cells, which are pre-cancer, and I’m gonna have to do the LEEP. That being said, the doctor is willing to do a hysterectomy if I decide I want to. I’ll still have to do paps because of the HPV for the next 20 years. But now I’m unsure if I want the hysterectomy?

If they cut out the pre-cancerous cells with the LEEP, in theory I don’t need a hysterectomy, right? But with my history the doctor is on board with it, which is new. I’ve been asking people to tie my tubes since I was 23 and no one would, but this doc is willing to take it all out. I still have to do the LEEP though, to be sure she can do it laparoscopically (sp?). But now I’m unsure….

Mom and I decided to see what the LEEP reveals…. work from there. The cost is gonna be huge… hate that…. but if we can work it out I… still don’t know.

Who Killed Laura Palmer?

I love Twin Peaks. If I’m honest, I even love the new Twin Peaks season. That’s why, when I heard David Lynch’s daughter wrote a book called The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer I definitely wanted to read it. Instead, I got the audio book, narrated by Sheryl Lee herself, the actress who played Laura Palmer all these years. I didn’t realize it was going to be such a dark descent into using sex to feel and drugs to not. It’s a very intense book. It’s crazy. Good, but crazy. I think the book bothers me because while I’m not being haunted by Evil Bob, I had something of sordid life involving sex… so it’s a little triggering.

With that, I’ve started seeing a talk shrink. I don’t know how it’s going to go, yet. I like her well enough for only having seen her once. She wants me to try DBT. I dunno that I want to try DBT. David 2 is in DBT. He thinks it’s great… but he also thinks he’s better, and I disagree. So. Unsure about that.

I had to stop taking the Ritalin. It gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. With that, I’ve noticed that my moods aren’t right. I emailed my med shrink to tell her. I dunno what she’ll do. I guess I have to wait.

Chris asked me to babysit again on Sunday. I agreed. I don’t really want to, but I’m trying to focus on what everyone else has said about it. It’s nice he trusts me with his kid. It’s nice she likes me. It means something. It means that he trusts me. Trust is the basis of a good relationship. I should value that. I like Addi, but I’m just not really big on kids, I guess. I ordered her some old movies for Christmas, to go with a pop up book I thought was pretty cool. Who doesn’t love The Brave Little Toaster or A Goofy Movie? I hope she likes them. If she doesn’t, all I can say is that I’m not great with kids. I worry my apathy towards kids is going to be a problem for Chris and I later. He’s going to notice. He’s going to feel personally attacked because he’s got two kids. We’ll fight. I’ll have my first real broken heart.

I know I should calm down and relax about it, because every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough, but…. well, I guess I’m jealous. You see, we hooked up Rob and Amber, and that’s great, but I’m jealous of them. They’re both 31 with no kids and very few responsibilities. She’s at his house almost every single night. They’re so in love, in a sick and unhealthy obsessive kind of way. Chris has Addi. Chris has Brinley. Chris has massive crippling debt. Chris has a wife. There’s honestly a lot standing between us and the out of control sickening love that Rob and Amber have going on, and I’m jealous of that. I’ve never been in love before. Somehow it feels like I got jipped (for the record I tried to think of another word, because I hate using a word relating back to the oppression of the Romany people, but I just couldn’t think of one that conveyed what I’m trying to say) on the experience, since I’m having to make sacrifices for it. That’s the cost of falling in love for the first time so late in life, I guess.

I know it’s selfish. I know that I’m selfish for wishing things were different. I know when you love someone you’re not supposed to want them to be different, but if we’re honest I wish I’d met him before he’d had kids. We could have been crazy in love. Now we’re… tip-toeing around kids and his relationship with his wife. He wants to be her friend. She texted him last weekend, and she was having some kind of crisis and wanted all of his attention, and he didn’t give it to her, but it distressed him. He was still trying to figure out what to say the next morning, because he doesn’t know how to play it. He’s worried I’ll be jealous, and I am, but I’m not going to tell him that. He’s worried she’ll be mad he’s not giving her his attention, and she was BUT SHE HAS A LIVE IN BOYFRIEND SHE COULD TALK TO.

I guess my honeymoon phase with Chris is over. We’re entering the part where you have to make some decisions and sacrifices…. and I’m really not sure I want to make any of those. It’s gonna get real hard and weird…. and I’m not looking forward to that.

Quality Time

This past weekend, I got Chris all to myself from Friday night to midday Sunday. It was SO NICE OMG.

As a rule, I try not to be a clingy girlfriend, but if we’re being honest I would spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man. That’s new for me. Even with Grant, who is probably my best ex, I would get up early after he spent the night and make him leave. I don’t feel that way with Chris. It’s gross. I’m in love. That being said, this weekend was great.

Chris had the whole weekend off, but it had been a rough week for him, so when he arrived on Friday night I offered to buy dinner. We got Casa Gutierrez, which turned out to be pretty good Mexican, and watched some Daniel Sloss. Chris was in top form: by that, I mean he was so… up. I couldn’t help it, I asked if he’d considered that he might be bipolar. He just said yes. He was so happy, though. He was bouncy and wanted to snuggle, and we danced in the living room, and he was just so excited to be with me. It was really nice. He was happy to play Fluxx with me (lost Adventure Time & Batman, but owned him in Cthulhu Fluxx), and we went upstairs and played some N64 (which I super lost), and then we were watching Food Wars when I passed out. I hate when I pass out early, especially during Chris time, but he didn’t mind. He turned off Food Wars and we snuggled up and I slept really well…. until Frankie figured out how to escape the sleep kennel. My brain wakes me up when I hear Bdo feet. I rounded them up, though.

Saturday morning we snuggled a lot. I like snuggling him. Sue me. I had to run off to a hair cut at 10am with Mothership, and originally he was going to sleep while I was gone, but decided to run home. I was only gone for like two hours with Mothership, but she was acting hella weird. It dragged my mood way down for some reason. We got our hair cut, and then went to Torrid because she wanted some leggings, but she also bought me a really cute sweater. I offered to do something else with her, since we were out, but she just wanted to go home. I can’t exactly explain what was wrong, but it was just how she responded. She seemed annoyed, but I’m not sure that she really was. Anyways, I got home and my mood crashed, but I let Chris know I was home and sad. He came over hellbent on A, making me feel better, and 2, to take me on an adventure. He hugged me and showed me his box of N64 games, that are going to live at my house, now, so we can play. Then he decided we were going to Black & Read and pushed me out of the house.

I love Black & Read, but it’s way up north, so I don’t get up there that often. So we embarked on an adventure! It was especially an adventure because we had no idea how to get to Black & Read. In the car, I drove and Chris navigated. We played with Spotify and introduced each other to so good music. We sang. We laughed. I honestly loved just being in the car with him for like an hour. I just enjoy his company. Inside Black & Read was no different. We started together, pouring over the board games, talking about games we like, ones he has, ones we wanted, and just being mesmerized by the chaos setup of Black & Read. We picked up some “escape the room” card games to try, since I was having people over that night for board games, and then ended up splitting up to wander around. I scoured the books and reveled in the disarray of the Black & Read system (literally it’s STUFF EVERYWHERE vaguely sorted by games, books, or music, and then vaguely by genre). I found a couple of books (Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys & Blade Runner), and we met back up in the vinyl section, where I was debating buying some Jefferson Airplane.

By that point, it was mid-afternoon. We were hungry, but unfamiliar with the area. So… I checked the travel time and asked if he wanted Cajun. Chris always wants Cajun. So we loaded up and it only took about 30 minutes to get to Littleton. I took him to Nono’s… because of course I did. I didn’t think about it at the time, but we didn’t lack on conversation. It just… flowed. It usually does when we’re out and about. I love that about him. Afterwards, he’d googled how late this other game store I wanted to visit was open… and since it was open we loaded up and headed to The Gaming Goat. It’s a lovely store, complete with tables for playing the house games, of which there are MANY. And you don’t even have to rent the table. It’s first come first play, but they have plenty of room. And they let you bring your own food, etc. We looked at all their games, and I, in my infinite wisdom, bought yet another game called Apocrypha. It’s a really cool sounding game, though.

So we went home, and Rob & Amber flaked on game night, and Bird plain forgot… so instead we broke out Apocrypha and watched a tutorial on how to play, followed by us trying to figure out how to play. It was pretty fun. A little involved, but that’s the point. I ordered pizza pretty late, and even though he said he wasn’t hungry, he helped me half a pizza and half an order of meatballs that were crazy good. Then out of nowhere I decided we should watch Saw 3, because Saw is my favorite horror series, and he’s only see one and two. So we popped it in, but when they got to the part where the doctor has to cut open John’s skull…. Chris bitched out. Which I gave him shit for. I then reassured him that I can watch my torture porn by myself, and he doesn’t have to watch it with me. In response, we went upstairs and were going to watch something funny, but ended up just making out a lot and forgot about TV… and… ya know…

In the morning, Chris offered to go buy stuff for breakfast and I offered to cook it. I made him chorizo cheese grits with eggs, while he watched and asked questions about how to cook stuff. I like teaching him things. He doesn’t historically like grits… but it’s my favorite breakfast, so he tried mine. The difference is, mine are hella fucking thick… and he loved them! He ate more than I did. It was impressive. Then we just hung out for a while. He had to go pickup Addison in Brighton that afternoon, so we just snuggled up and watched some first episodes of some shows he was interested in. I was so happy.

Then he left… and I was going to do something with my afternoon, but I didn’t want to. I snapped him that I should have gone with him, and he said he was still at home if I wanted to come. So I did.I knew I should stay home and clean something or prepare for the week, but I just didn’t want to…

We left immediately, and it’s a long drive to Brighton, so we played with Spotify some more. It was fun! I was nervous, though. I was now showing up unannounced, and while Chris was obviously good with it, I dunno how the ex felt about it. The ex didn’t seem to mind, but she looked frazzled in general. She was fighting with Addi when they arrived, and I got the feeling that it was more or less an all weekend thing. I dunno, obviously, but I’ve seen many a frazzled mother. This wasn’t just “it was a long drive with a 5 year old” frazzled. But she said hello to me, hugged Chris (they’re trying to be friends), and passed Addi off.

What’s interesting is that I could SEE Addi fighting with her mom when they pulled up, but she got out of the car, caught sight of me, got in Chris’ car and proceeded to be calm, and even polite. My mom thinks that might be because I was there, since I seem to have a different relationship with her than other adults. Addison and I don’t have a long relationship, but the time we’ve spent together has had two things: clear boundaries and clear communication. I’ve setup a strong expectation of behavior since I started spending time with her and Chris, and that expectation is that if she’s well behaved we can have a lot of fun, as well as that if she throws a tantrum I don’t want to be around her anymore. I don’t know how accurate that inference is… maybe she changed because I was there and maybe not, but it was nice that she calmed down.

So, I thought after this we were going home, but I was wrong.

Chris has been trying to get me to go to dinner with his parents for a couple weeks now, so seeing his chance to force me into it by having driven us to Brighton, he then headed for Lakewood. We got to White Fence Farm and the place is a sensory overload. There were so many people, the wait time is 3 hours for a table, no reservations accepted, plus it’s part amusement park…. kind of like a Farm version of Casa Bonita. It was chaos, and Addi was not great at sitting still, so my stress went way up, but then we left. Chris got a table number, and when he was told there was such a long wait, he googled something else for us to do.

Much to my surprise, he took us to a 2nd & Charles. That was a great idea! Except that I spent money. He has to stop taking me to stores that want my money. He let Addi go mess around in kids books and toys while we looked at sci-fi and fantasy novels, and I picked up some books I definitely didn’t need. Addi came and found us with a basket filled to the brim with toys… and I had to laugh. She’d picked up two or three of things so she could give one to Isis (ex’s bf’s daughter) or her friend at school or her sister. Chris made her put everything back, but bought her a neon Freddy Fazzbear, since she’s obsessed with Five Nights At Freddy’s. I told her that if she found a book she liked I’d buy it for her, and she came back with three. If kids’ books weren’t so pricey I’d have gotten her all three… but instead I told her to pick one, which she did and put the rest back.  It was just nice to hang out with them in such a… me-friendly setting. We even found a table where we could play some games and taught Addi to play checkers. Then we loaded up and met his parents for dinner.

Kids are strange creatures. We met up with Chris’ parents at White Fence Farm and Addi turned into something of a brat. She seems to like her grandparents but she can flip on Chris’ dad in a heartbeat. I think she doesn’t like how he teases her, in that way that old men tease small girls. He threatened to toss her neon Freddy into a nearby fountain… at which point Chris did intervene and ask why his dad would continue to tease her knowing she was going to scream about it… which she did, and Chris had to haul her off for a conversation about behaving in public.

Dinner was great. I dunno how White Fence Farm has been operating in the red with that good chicken dinner they have. Crispy but fall off the bone tender… hard to do, but so tasty. Conversation with the parents was… good. I had a nice time, but I’m so fucking awkward. Chris was ever his reassuring self, though. We got through it. They did pick at Addi about eating, though. Chris, once again to his credit, told them to leave her alone. I really appreciate that he sticks up for his kid, especially when it’s an issue that he took my advice on how to resolve.

On the way home he and I played with Spotify while Addi played with her tablet. I just wallowed in the nice feeling of having had him for a whole weekend, and how I didn’t get sick of him or irritated with him once. That’s so rare for me. I’m a very lucky girl.

I’m so not used to being in love… but I like it more and more on the daily.

Baby, It’s A 1940s Cultural Miscommunication

We’ve all heard it. Maybe you’ve heard the 1940s original recordings and you associate it with Dinah Shore and Buddy Clark, or maybe you’ve heard the popular 2014 Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé cover, but you’ve probably heard Baby, It’s Cold Outside at some point in your life. I, personally, associate it with a light A Capella version I saw on the Drew Carey Show back in the 90s, where he and his girlfriend sing it quietly before falling into each other’s arms. It’s a wintry duet that can be a lovely background soundtrack for a romantic evening with someone.


It’s not. I’m just gonna let you know that upfront. It’s not that.

If you’re alive and on the internet or in America right now, you probably know about the controversy surrounding the 1944 popular Christmas song, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” by Frank Loesser. It’s not surprising that something from the 1940s does not translate well into 2018. A 74 year old PERSON does not translate that well into 2018, much less a song based on a culture that’s since been dragged into the street and beaten to death. While many find the tune timeless, it definitely has the mark of its time period on it. It’s only recently, with the rise of the #MeToo Movement and women generally being sick of the shit they’ve taken for… ever… that the song has come under scrutiny. It’s because the lyrics are based in a culture very foreign to today’s social politics.

What is 1940s culture?

The biggest contributor to America culture in the 1940s was World War II, but a lot was going on. It was a terrible time to be alive, really. Kids were still dying of Polio. Boys went to war and didn’t come back, or men returned with blood in their eyes and without their hearts. The Holocaust claimed 11 million to 17 million lives. Gandhi was assassinated. Atomic warfare is no longer a threat, but a real act of global terrorism that the US launched on the sovereign nation of Japan.

From this turbulent time in history we got things like Casablanca: classic romantic wartime film featuring leading man Humphrey Bogart, Meet Me in St. Louis: a Judy Garland musical spectacular set in 1903, leading up to the World’s Fair, Fantasia: a musical adventure in animation that has its own problematic features, and It’s a Wonderful Life: a heartwarming Christmas story about suicide, featuring James Stewart. Musically, crooners were in and swing dance was all the rage. Fashion wise, we saw the rise of business look for women, as they entered the work force, and a generally utilitarian and modest look with sharp angles.

The Plight Of Reputation

Don’t let the women entering the workforce fool you; this wasn’t a great time to have a vagina. This is before the cliche 1950s housewife in heels pushing a vacuum and serving her husband a martini after he gets home from work. So what is life like for a woman in the 1940s?

Well, outside of wartime culture, we have wholesome American values in the 40s. Nuclear families of a man that works, a woman that is a homemaker, and a slew of children she’s responsible for raising and he’s vaguely responsible for beating. Also, any unhappiness in that nuclear family is FAMILY matter, and don’t you dare tell your friends, because you’ll bring shame on the family… and you’ll get whipped for it.

But Baby, It’s Cold Outside isn’t about a married couple, as we know because the woman has to leave. It’s about a single man and woman having a nice evening with some drinks. So, we get into 1940s dating culture, and hookup culture. Contrary to what people would have you believe, hookup culture is not new. My mother had hookups. My grandmother had hookups. Going all the way back to whatever gross fish-monster dragged itself out the sea, we’ve been fucking people we don’t love. It’s fine. There’s nothing terrible about that, unless it’s the 1940s and people want to pretend that promiscuity is a sin and a disease.

Now, I cannot say whether the couple in the song are dating or if he brought her home from a bar in the hopes of a one night stand, but regardless we’re addressing a couple who are willingly together sharing a nice evening. The disconnect between the 40s and the 2010s is easy to identify, but hard for people to grasp because the language is different.

In the 2010s, if a single woman goes home with a man and decides to stay the night, we don’t really think about that. Did they have sex? We don’t know. It’s not our business, and that’s the way it should be. Maybe she’ll go home the next morning and text all her friends about this great guy she hooked up with last night and banter about how to ask him on a second date, or maybe she’ll keep it to herself and never call him again, or some mixture of the two. Most of us don’t care, do we? No. A select few, however, like to hold onto those classic, wholesome, American values.

In the 1940s, an unchaperoned woman staying the night at a man’s house is a fucking SCANDAL. She’s a whore! A WHORE I TELL YOU! I bet she has syphilis. I bet she’s had abortions. I bet she pisses on the cross and reports everything back to the Soviets or the Japanese! And as you’re reading that, I hope you’re either offended or laughing at the ludicrous nature of those accusations: both are correct responses. In the 1940s, that was a woman’s reality, though. As a result, “putting up a fight” or “playing coy” was not just an art form used to flirt with men, it was a necessity to maintain your reputation as a good girl.

It’s here, in this scope of reality that many a woman lived through, that we set the scene for this classic Christmas song. A woman likes a man, maybe they’re dating and maybe not, but she’s having a nice time and she wants to stay. The problem is, as the song details, a lot of people are going to talk about it. Her mother will worry, because she’s out and people will talk. Her father will pace the floor, because no one can deflower his daughter without a white dress and a legal document. The neighbors might think— that’s right, they’re gonna think she’s a whore. Her sister will suspect, her brother will be waiting for her like some kind of disciplinarian, her aunt’s mind is vicious and she’s a fucking gossip because she’s a spinster with nothing better to do. All this weighs on her mind, because there’s bound to be talk, but maybe she’ll have half a drink more. 

THE DRINKING! Let’s talk about the drinking. Prohibition ended in 1933, and if there’s one thing Americans are great at, it’s drinking, doing something stupid, and blaming it on being drunk. The 1940s and women are no exception, but in the 1940s it was a running joke to say “what’s in this drink” when you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you’re sitting around with your gal pals later and gossiping about something you shouldn’t have done, you blame it on the drink, they giggle, and everyone knows you didn’t need to be drunk to do it. We have jokes like this now. I, personally, accuse everyone I work with of being on crack every single time they do something stupid. Do I think they’re on crack? Nah. Will people know that in 74 years? Maybe not, because I come from a time when crack was a thing, so why would I joke about it? Because it’s fun to accuse people of using crack, obviously.

So let’s put this all together. Someone out there thinks Baby, It’s Cold Outside is a song about possibly drugging a woman, then coercing her to stay and have sex against her better judgement and/or will. No. It’s a song about a sexually repressed woman, who’s having a nice time, and in spite of all the gossip and possible repercussions of the act, she says she must go, in the most long, drawn out and flirty way possible, and then stays…. but at least she can say she tried, and blame it on maybe having too much to drink, whether they even drank alcohol or not.

This song is from 1944… and if you don’t recognize that so many things have changed in terms of women and sexuality, and what they’re allowed to want and do in 2018 that they would have been scorned, judged, and persecuted for in the 1940s. Yes, the wording is deceiving when taken at face value, but it’s not hard to sit for a moment and think about the context.

By the way… this song was written by a married man for he and his wife to perform, predominantly at parties, not by a single dude trying to figure out a way to coerce women into becoming another notch on his bedpost, like so many songs today….

Good Kid

Last night, I babysat Addison while Chris’ parents went to a concert. It was only for about four hours, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about doing it. While I’m pretty sure my friends Bren & Shaunna would let me watch Michael with no hesitation, the only other person on the planet that’s ever trusted me with their kids was Traci when I was 18… so I was heavily out of practice, and honestly very worried that she and I wouldn’t get along.

All my fears were for naught. I got there and she was excited. We built some towers out of blocks, did a puzzle, did some alphabet stuff, had a stuffed animal fight, spend a while just tickling her (cuz that’s an easy way to amuse children), and then we watched The Emoji Movie. I ordered pizza for food, and shortly after it showed up Chris came home. He put Addi to bed, and we watched some standup.

Overall it was a nice evening. No fits, no pouting, no whining… She was a well behaved kid. It was definitely better than I expected.

I did notice…. a couple of things.

1, She lacks confidence in her knowledge of letters and words, as well as letter sounds, and also… I think she might be dyslexic, which could explain why she hates letters and words and reading. I’m no teacher or expert on such things… but it wouldn’t surprise me to find out she’s dyslexic later. Granted, maybe it’s something she’ll grow out of, too, as her confidence and experience with reading grows.

2, She really wants people to pay attention to her. I’ve noticed on several occasions that the biggest thing that Addi responds well to is attention. It’s not uncommon for kids whose parents split up to want more attention. You end up seeing one of them a lot less, because you live with one. Then you have to contend with the changes the other parent goes through. I was two, so I don’t remember a lot, but as a kid from a broken home myself, I just want to be sure I’m not causing her MORE stress. So, I told Chris he can’t stay with me when he has Addi anymore… and that I’ll have to learn to come see both of them.

3, She’s a really good kid. I was worried about watching her because when I’ve been with her and Chris, she does that whining tantrum thing any time she doesn’t get her way. Last night she didn’t do that until Chris came home and told her it was bed time. Even when I took away candy, and told her that she couldn’t eat popcorn because I’d already ordered dinner, she was visibly disappointed, but didn’t fight about it. Maybe that’s because I constantly tell her to stop making that noise and to pick her battles. I dunno. Kids change based on who they’re with, because they will always treat you the way they’ve been allowed to treat you. I guess we’ll see if that pops up again later.

Anyways… that was my Sunday.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Thursday night I saw Ralph Breaks the Internet with Chris and Addi. It was crazy adorable. Loved it. Chris came over Friday night after work and we watched FEAST! Which was exciting to me. He didn’t stay the night, but we had a really nice evening. Saturday I saw Fantastic Beasts 2 with mom, which was good but I’m still angry the ONE SLYTHERIN PROTAGONIST is now dead… ugh… Slyther-rage.  That evening Chris and I went to see The Possession of Hannah Grace. It was a better movie than I thought it would be, but it turned out anticlimactic at the end. Still, we sat in a row with other couples, including a really cute young couple (teens maybe) who cuddled up under a blanket. We snickered and talked through most of it, because we’re those people, but I don’t think we disturbed anyone. He came back to mine and staid the night. We watched…. Food Wars (Shokugeki No Soma) or stand up… and it was just nice. Sunday I mostly laundry until I had to babysit.

So… not a productive or eventful weekend… but I feel like I learned some things…