Holiday Party Pains In The Ass

People are so shitty… It makes you wonder why you would even bother trying to be nice.

My boss tried to put together a holiday party, seeing as the GM and the company aren’t doing anything for it this year. She bought Qdoba for the office and bought everyone a silver ornament with Swarovski crystals and a bottle of wine. She also organized a totally optional gift exchange, and was just trying to do something nice. My boss doesn’t even like Christmas. It’s a stressful time of year for she and I, and she just wanted to do something nice for the office girls to show her appreciation for them.

In particular, this one chick was just fucking miserable. She’s on a diet she swears is going to get her into a size 6, which is fine, but to avoid eating the Qdoba she intentionally scheduled an appointment so she left during the party. On top of that, my boss went out of her way to find this woman a legit diet wine to go with her diet. Not only was she completely unappreciative, she fucking gave the wine away immediately, and the ornament because she’s moving so she didn’t want a small ornament with her initial.

I get not wanting presents. I’ve gotten many I don’t want, and the POLITE thing to would have been to take them home and then throw them away.

I know it shouldn’t be a huge deal, but this woman is fucking rude all the time. She has no fucking decorum, and my boss has defended this for her before when she’s snapped at someone she shouldn’t. At some point you have to watch what fucking hand you bite, cuz the lady that signs your paychecks and defends your dumbass when you fuck up is NOT the one you should be hurting the feelings of.

Also, can I just say I’m so fucking sick of hearing about my other coworker being homeless? Which she’s not, really. She met a guy online, and never spoke to him, but decided he was her fiance, and then sent him all her rent money, got kicked out of her apartment, and she’s crashing on an air mattress with some people from her church. She’s lucky she’s got nice church people to help her out, cuz I’m sick of her dumbass. WHO FALLS FOR THAT?! Furthermore, she ran around here asking everyone for money, and then when it all went to shit she ran around here telling everyone she’s homeless. We fucking know why you’re homeless, you did it to yourself, and I don’t fucking care anymore.

Also, there’s the new chick, who quite noticeably hates working in here. I’d tell her to get out and find a new job, but the pregnant chick goes on maternity leave at the end of the month and I need the new chick to help out. When preggers gets back, whatever…

Pregnant chick is irritating, too. She went months being sad and angry, then happy and told everyone she was pregnant, and now she’s moody, but also I’m discovering all the things she doesn’t understand about her job. I will never get someone who can do a job and have no idea WHY they do something. How do you do something daily and not know WHY you do it? It’s crazy.

I guess I take all this shit personally because making my boss’ life hard means they’re making my mom’s life hard. That’s the downside of working with family… I take it personally. I could have brutally murdered the rude ass diet chick today, and strung her organs around the office as Christmas decoration. Because I know how hard my mom tries to show these girls she appreciates them, even though half of them don’t understand their job, the other half doesn’t do their shit right, and all of them are fucking drama llamas… and all my mom did was try to makeup for the short-comings of the company, since the GM has gone all Scrooge McDuck and just wants to swim in a vault of coin instead of show any appreciation for his workers that he doesn’t talk to or know anything about, myself included.

It’s all just so shitty. I’ve been trying SO HARD to get a little festive this year. I put up both my little black Christmas trees. I wrapped presents in actual wrapping paper this year. I bought cards to send out. I decorated my desk at work. Christmas isn’t a fun time of year for me, and I generally hate it, but I’m trying SO FUCKING HARD this year, and people just ruin it.

Mom and I are supposed to go to Zoo Lights tonight… trying to be festive, since we’ve both been crazy sick and haven’t wanted to do much of anything… and I dunno if we’re gonna make it there. I’m not sure we’ll even enjoy it if we do. The perk of not working with family is that when you see each other it’s a vacation from work… mom and I are just a continuation of work… a reminder of the shitty place we have to go everyday in spite of hating everyone we work with.

I just wanted to try to have a nice Christmas this year… but I don’t think it’s going to happen.


Sam: The Playlist

My Life In A Playlist (clickable Spotify playlist)

I dunno why, but I made a playlist of my life. So Imma tell you about it. Feel free to listen to it on Spotify while you read about it. Also, try it, and if you do send me your playlist. I’d love to hear your lives.

The songs aren’t necessarily in release date order, but I tried to put them in the order that which I binge listened to them. It’s not exact, but it’s pretty close.

  1. Only A Fool Would Say That – Steely Dan
    This album came out the year my mom graduated high school, and it’s one of her all time favorites. It’s one of the earliest albums I remember listening to with my mom. It’s still one of my favorite albums of all time, and full of memories.
  2. My Town – Patty Smyth
    My first introduction to empowered woman rock. It would leave an imprint. Also off this album is “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough,” a duet with Don Henley. I would later use this as an anthem for why some relationships needed to end.
  3. A Change Would Do You Good – Sheryl Crow
    I was OBSESSED with Sheryl Crow’s self-titled, totally hippie power rock album. I was particularly obsessed with the phrase “chasin’ dragons with plastic swords, Jack off Jimmy, everybody wants more” though I’m not sure I understood this song as a child.
  4. Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette
    This was one the albums Mom and I listened to the most on our drive up to Colorado from Florida. Long three days wrought with uncertainty. We’d go on to live in a hotel for a while, and then finally get an apartment.
  5. Say You’ll Be There – Spice Girls
    I was hardcore obsessed with Scary Spice. All my friends were obsessed with the Spice Girls. They were great. We learned the dances, and I started to have my own opinions about music and what I liked… and that was new for me.
  6. Bye Bye Bye – NSYNC
    Let’s be real, either NSYNC or BSB had to be on this list. It was my golden era of boy bands! But NSYNC was the boy band to rule them all. Still are, if you ask me. I’ll never forget when their Pop album came out and this kid in daycare with me was SO excited about it. He hadn’t been conditioned to know boy bands are for girls yet.
  7. Say My Name – Destiny’s Child
    This song always reminds me of my sisters and hanging out in my step sister’s room. I stole this album from her. She noticed. We weren’t great friends or anything, but I still miss both my sisters sometimes. It’s hard being the estranged sister.
  8. My Friends Over You – New Found Glory
    There’s a track at the end of this album that a “hidden” track. Back in the day, that meant that it was like an hour of silence followed by the track. My step sister and I used this track to scare the crap outta my lil sister and her friend. We told them a ghost story about something and then the track kicks in with this high pitched screaming, and they freaked. It was one of the few times we all enjoyed each other at the same time.
  9. Benign – Oleander
    My mom found this album at Walmart and we bought it based on the album art, because I wanted new music. I bought it totally blind, and it was the beginning of my love affair with the post-grunge movement, and later the grunge movement. They’re still good, too. Saw them a few years back when they came through for their newest album.
  10. Going Under – Evanescence
    I liked Evanescence, but my high school friends ruined it for me for years, because it’s ALL THEY FUCKING LISTENED TO. For years, Amy Lee was fucking everywhere, and I liked her, but I also hated her. Also, Broken is better when it’s just Seether. She didn’t add anything to that song for me. There. I said it. I’ve been waiting for fifteen years to tell people that.
  11. Young – Hollywood Undead
    I have been a fan of Hollywood Undead since they were a Myspace band that sang about banging Tila Tequila, and did duets with Jeffree Starr before he became a beauty icon and got into a fight with Kat Von D. I was really excited when they finally got signed, but I was also surprised… because… I mean they were from Myspace… Lol.
  12. Redundant – Green Day
    Nimrod was an album my mother bought for one song, as you did back in the day. To this day she wants “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” played at her funeral. She was not, however, a fan of the rest of the music, so it came my way… and I loved it. This album is a great starter punk album, because it’s pretty soft. This song, in particular, was always my favorite. I had hoped some boy would sing it to me one day.
  13. Still Waiting – Sum 41
    I was totally obsessed with this album and it opened a lot of doors to punk and rock for me. From here I vaulted into Bad Religion, The Offspring, and so many more. It was harder than Green Day, and just a little edgier, and I loved it.
  14. Home – Breaking Benjamin
    Saturate was the very first album I bought with MY money with no parent around. I remember seeing the adverts for it on MTV and desperately wanting it. So much so, that I called my mom and convinced her to let me walk the block and half to Target to buy it, cuz the advert definitely told me it was available at Target. It was such a grand album, and still is. It also marks my entrance into high school…
  15. Thoughtless – Korn
    This was the first album I ever bought alone with my own money that had a parental advisory sticker on it. I was trying REALLY HARD to figure out what music these goth kids were listening to, cuz I was hellbent on getting into this group. I did. It took a lot of research. Lol.
  16. Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous – Good Charlotte
    I’m not above saying I aspired to be an emo/scene kid. Good Charlotte was pop punk at it’s best. I was a little too late to jump on the Blink 182 bandwagon, so this is where I ended up getting on the lame-but-awesome pop punk train, and I rode that shit well into the next decade.
  17. My Name Is – Eminem
    I’d gone to private, Christian schools till 5th grade. I was late to the Eminem phenomena, but fortunately for me, the older kids in high school were all too glad to show me that white kids could love rap, too. We screamed this whole album a lot. Obviously our rage was different than Marshall’s, but we were so full of emotions that we couldn’t always deal with that we just liked the rage, even if it was different from our own.
  18. Girl Anachronism – The Dresden Dolls
    The great thing about doing all the research was that I learned a lot of these goth kids were god damn nerds. We rocked pop punk, emo, and even musicals. So, when I discovered The Dresden Dolls, it didn’t hurt my cred to be the angry piano music girl. I drove around and BLASTED this song all over campus and anywhere else we went. People started to know me by it.
  19. Superbeast – Rob Zombie
    Tape Man stole my fucking CD player. I know because I stole it back from him. I don’t remember what I lost when he took it, but this album was what I gained when I stole it the fuck back. I often dared him to bring up I had his CD, and he never did… like the smart man he was not.
  20. Foolish – Ashanti
    The 2000s were a prime hip hop decade. JaRule, Ludacris, Missy Elliot… Beyoncé broke off of Destiny’s Child… It was a good decade, and I would sit in class and listen to KS 107.5, the biggest hip hop channel in Colorado, instead of paying attention… because let’s be real… it was weird I was in class to start with. My ass never went to class.
  21. ATWA – System of a Down
    I’d gone to Florida to see family. It was one of the last time I’d see my grandma, and my aunt had signed up for this CD subscription service. They just sent her stuff. When I showed up in a lot of black, blaring all this nu-metal, she was like, “here.” Toxicity was a great album, and it’s still one of my favorites.
  22. (s)AINT – Marilyn Manson
    I didn’t get that much into Manson until the Golden Age of Grotesque album. I know that’s heckin’ late to the game, but it’s how things happened. This song, in particular, was the anthem of Lea. She was my best friend, and I was totally in love with her like the psycho I definitely was. She was straight, and Mormon, so it didn’t go anywhere, but I was just in love with being around her. It killed me when she dropped me, but I’m back to a point where this song doesn’t hurt anymore. Just took like 8 years.
  23. Toxic – Britney Spear
    D1 loves Britney. He’s always loved Britney. He will always love Britney. We listened to Toxic a lot in his apt, drunk on box wine. We also gave a lot of lap dances to it… It was a thing we did for a while: lap dance contests. The judge was usually whatever guy I was dating or had just brought with me. We were obscene.
  24. Metro – The Vincent Black Shadow
    I don’t remember how I got into this band, but I fell for them hard. This song shows up on the soundtrack for a movie called Feast. Also on that album is a song called “Don’t Come Back.” D1 and I bet that this was during a really awful chase scene, so we found and bought the movie to prove it. The movie is bad in a great way. So we also watched the other two Feast movies. Best 6 hours of your life you’re never going to get back.
  25. Hey Jude – The Beatles
    I had a boyfriend named Robbie that would sing this to me. He even played it for me on the piano. I really liked Robbie, but Robbie had problems. Drug problems. Parent problems. Self identity problems. Homelessness problems. It was too much for me. I deserved better, but I haven’t forgotten him to time.
  26. Love Is Paranoid – The Distillers
    When I was really trying to figure myself out, The Distillers were a big part of my life. I did a lot of soul searching to their Coral Fang album. I feel like they’re responsible for some of my better nuances.
  27. I Don’t Love You – My Chemical Romance
    Are there people who weren’t emotionally and spiritually touched by The Black Parade? If so, they’re missing out.
  28. Zombies Ate Her Brain – The Creepshow
    I was dating a severe alcoholic, that was technically still married, from Wyoming, that loved rockabilly music, and this was Travis’ ringtone. I couldn’t love Travis enough to fix him. There was a lot of baggage… Still, I loved his kids. I took them to Zoo Lights, and birthday parties… I really liked spending time with them.
  29. Tear You Apart – She Wants Revenge
    This song is all Traci. Traci was my boyfriend’s roommate. We were best friends for a long time. I’d been seeing Vaunder, and his roommate when we started dating was an asshole. His fiancé was Traci. We had so many adventures, and I loved her kids, and it was all drama and fun. Over time things changed. the asshole roomie was shunned, and later killed himself. Her kids grew up, and she hooked up with a guy that she really wanted to make a life with. We grew apart then, because she was being an adult, and I wasn’t there yet. Still… great memories.
  30. Santa Clara Twilight – Tiger Army
    After Traci went off to be an adult, I did soul searching again… to a lot of rockabilly. Tiger Army is just a good band, and I binge listened to them while I tried to figure myself out.
  31. OK, It’s Alright With Me – Eric Hutchinson
    At the beginning of my relationship with Mike, this song was everywhere. He moved in, and all I wanted at the time was for this to be my last relationship. Again, though, I couldn’t take the baggage. So much baggage…
  32. Kept On Walking- Rehab
    Rehab was Mike’s favorite group. He had drug problems, and I guess they just spoke to him. I pushed Mike out of my life, but I kept the music… because I didn’t have drug problems, but Rehab was about more than that. Rehab was something I listened to so I could process the failure. It was a big failure. I was alone, and I had pushed a lot of people away, lost friends, and my life felt empty. When they came through I made my then-boyfriend, Grant, go to the show with me, cuz he liked rap. He hated the show. It wasn’t his kind of rap. Lol.
  33. Sheer Madness – Polkadot Cadaver
    The album I wanted by Pdot isn’t on Spotify. I wanted this to be Haunted Holiday, but Sheer Madness was a good song, so we’ll keep it. Polkadot Cadaver was the first concert I went to at a small bar in Denver. Traci DRAGGED me there, and I ended up loving the scene and loving them. It opened a whole new social door I would lean on as time when on and things changed.
  34. Secrets On Our Lips – Astronautalis
    Grant’s favorite artist was Astronautalis. When we got into it, Grant got cheated in our relationship. He was looking for forever, and I just wasn’t. He was great, and I have nothing bad to say about him, but I knew he wanted family and marriage, and after the last disappointment, I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for that for ages, so I cut him loose. I’m happy to report he found himself a wife, and he seems very happy now, but sometimes I miss having someone so steady and solid in my life. He was my rock for a while.
  35. Moonbase Blues – Crunk Witch
    After Grant, I didn’t date much. I just enjoyed being single for the first time in my life, and really embraced doing things alone. I went to concerts alone. I went to the KBPI car show alone. I really found my independence, and Crunk Witch was there for me. I saw them in a small bar in Denver, and I was the ONLY PERSON THERE. It was a weirdly magical experience. You haven’t really experienced a performance until it is JUST FOR YOU. They were great. They played everything I wanted to hear and chatted casually to me afterward. I’ll never forget it.
  36. Melody Dean – Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra
    Before Billie left for Oregon, we went to an Amanda Palmer concert together for this album. She went to the album signing and brought me the signed album. We had a great night and it was a killer concert with a packed venue. It killed me when she left for Oregon, but I’ll always have that concert as a great memory.
  37. Dressed In Dreams – Brody Dalle
    Brody Dalle broke out on her own from the Distillers, and I grew even more. I was obsessed with this album. Everything about it screamed to me, and I couldn’t help but listen to it over and over and over again. Another one of those albums I kind of found myself to.
  38. Beside Myself – Glass Delirium
    Glass Delirium was D2’s band. I followed them for years, and it was only after they kind of defected that D2 became a part of my actual life. This song is from their first album, now out of print. I remember seeing them on a stage, all glitter and goth, and just bathing in the cliché glory of it all. I’m still sad they’re not a thing anymore, and D2 isn’t making music anymore.
  39. Terrible Things – Brick + Mortar
    I went through a dark phase, where every morning was hell. I didn’t like being alive, I didn’t have good reasons to get out of bed, but I made it through. Along the way was Brick + Mortar. Even their sad songs have a boppin’ beat, man. It helped. It gave me ASMR feels and even though I didn’t know them, I wasn’t alone in my sadness, and that made all the difference.
  40. Light It Up ( feat. Nyla & Fuse ODG) – Remix — Major Lazer
    This is where I am right now. I’m not perfect, but I’m doing well. I’ve fallen into this electronic and dance music hole, and I think it’s good for my mental health. Any doctor would say music that makes your body move is probably good for you, I think.

Honorable Mentions

Obviously, I couldn’t fit ALL the songs from my life on a 40 song list… so here’s the honorable mentions.

  1. When The Lights Go Out – Five
    During my boy band phase, I loved Five. They were Irish, so it was different from the NSYNC/BSB battle that was oh so prevalent everywhere. I felt exotic. I was a dumb kid… but the feelings were real.
  2. Blame It On The Weatherman – B*Witched
    Another Irish teeny bopper band… and I loved them. They were all I listened to one summer when I was trying to figure out how to fit in with the other girls at my babysitter’s place. We were vastly different, and I was not yet a real human being with a sense of self.
  3. Southwest Voodoo – Insane Clown Posse
    This is the song that was playing when I backed into a cop car. My first every accident, on senior ditch day in 12th grade. I have refused to listen to ICP in the car ever since… and while they get a lot of hate, I can admit I still like them in a nostalgia kind of way.
  4. Violent Pornography- System of a Down
    I didn’t wanna put people on the list twice, but this song was a god damn banger. D1 was moving away from rock, and he was STILL into it. We would drive around playing “go that way” or “follow that person” and just blast this ish… It was a good time, our car rides.
  5. Thank God I’m Pretty – Emilie Autumn
    I had this stint where I spent a lot of time with this kid Justin. He was a friend of Vaunder’s, younger than us, and he was just fun. When he finally got to adult age, we drifted apart. I haven’t talked to him a long time, now, but we used to hang out in his parking garage and sing all kinds of things, from musicals to metal. This was a favorite.
  6. Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor
    In a weird turn of events and questionable life choices, I had an old internet boyfriend that came to visit me. In true Sam fashion, I took him to D1’s place and we had a lap dance contest. I picked this one as a challenge song, and D1 lap danced to it on Vivek. He won, too. He won forever with that one. Hard to top.
  7. Ghosts – Birdeatsbaby
    I tried to drag Bird into my concert life. This was the only show besides the Glass Delirum and 90% Nineties shows she really got into. She gave it a good try, but it just wasn’t her thing.

I Accidentally Invited Reddit…

Do you guys remember this blog entry where I’d invited everyone I knew to a party and no one came? And I was devastated about it?

So I was on Reddit, and someone asked “Fellow Redditors, what is the cruelest thing ever done to you that you will never forget?” and I told them about that picnic… and now a whole bunch of Redditors might descend on Colorado for my 30th birthday party next October…


I wasn’t asking for this, but the internet doesn’t care what you’re asking for… sometimes it just dumps things on you, and in this case it dumped SO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT AND PEOPLE WANTING TO BRING ME PIÑATAS AND TIRAMISU.

It’s very much overwhelming, but in a nice way…

It turns out that a lot of people have thrown parties and no one showed up. A lot of similar stories came from people who this happened to as kids, and one girl even got stood up by everyone she knew for her bridal shower. BRIDAL SHOWER. That’s just wrong… So wrong…

I don’t know if this is going to continue to be an ongoing thing, or just a note in my blog that never amounted to anything… but one person was talking about creating a subreddit called /PseudophunBirthday… so I guess we shall see what happens with it.

I’m not opposed to this gathering, but I also have no idea how to plan it… So I guess I’m just gonna see what happens…

But like… this is probably the best thing to happen to me on the internet in a long time.


Charles Manson is dead, and so is my motivation to live.

I dunno why, but I’m incredibly depressed right now. I’m not sad, I just don’t care. I don’t care about work, home, my weight, my health… I just want to curl up and cease to exist. That’s not the same thing as a death wish or feeling suicidal, by the way. I don’t want to die, I’m just done with living. I need a vacation from living.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was fine, I guess. Holidays really don’t mean anything for me. It’s just a free day off work. I hung out with Mom. We saw Coco. That’s about it.

I don’t like apathy. When nothing matters life feels even more pointless than usual. It’s uncomfortable. It becomes very hard to not quit my job, abandon my house, and just sleep in a park, forsaking my entire life. I know I’ll snap out of it and regret any snap, apathetic decisions made now… but waiting to snap out of it feels like it’ll never happen.

I’m so tired of being sad… bipolar… helpless… alive…


Brief: Social Updates

Social Updates:

Last Thursday I couldn’t go to Heidi’s for Supernatural, but on Friday I had a date. It was weird. This guy essentially talked for three hours and then I went home… He’s nice, though. So… ??? Saturday Mothership and I got our hair done. Sunday I saw Thor: Ragnarok with the mothership.  So… it was a lot of Mom, but it was okay.

This week, I went to Heidi’s for Supernatural, and even hung out for a while after. Today I’m grabbing drinks with Evan to pass off the News of the World to him for book club. Saturday night we’re finishing the gnome D&D campaign. Sunday the date from last Friday is taking me to lunch. So… pretty active weekend coming up.

It’s been an okay week, really. I’m tired, but I’m always tired. Nothing really interesting to report, though.

Happy Birthday To Me

I thought I had successfully ghosted D2, so as to spare us both the fallout of actual confrontation. Regardless of if you believe my motives, I believe my motives. I thought it had worked, but I got a message from his yesterday… and I couldn’t not respond. He asked to take me to dinner for my birthday. I told him maybe next week. While I don’t want to be his best friend, it doesn’t mean we can be friends with a good bit of space. I just have to guard myself. I am what’s important, and I have to remember that.

Saturday, Mom and I went to the Curiosities and Oddities Expo, thrown by the Punk Rock Flee Market. It was neat, but there were SO MANY people. The Fox St. Compound is a lot smaller when it’s filled with hundreds of people, and while I had fun and saw some cool stuff, I definitely feel like sales were lost just because there were exhibits I couldn’t even get up to see. I mean, let’s be real, I’m the type of person that would love to buy your obscure taxidermy, wet specimens, and various things made of dead animals, people, or whatever. I saw some cute things, some unsettling things… but in general, it was a lot of us trying to dodge the crowd and not lose each other. One of the vendors, The Room of Lost Things, is a brick+mortor shop in a nearby art district. I told Mom that maybe we could just go to the art district and look around the store, as well as others in the area, like Flossy McGrew’s.

On our way back home, we stopped for lunch at Pappadeux. It’s about the only place in Colorado you can get really real, super great seafood. I don’t know how they do it, but their plates are on point if you’re looking for a seafood joint in Colorado. I also always forget how pretty the place is. They have this giant courtyard made of stone and features and it’s just lovely, guys. So lovely. We got a shrimp cocktail and some lobster, shrimp, and pork eggrolls for an appetizer, because why not? For lunch I ordered the lunch portion of the Cajun Combo, which is blackened catfish on a bed of dirty rice served with shrimp creole on a bed of white rice. Lots of rice. In spite of it being a lunch portion, it was fucking huge. Mom got fried catfish and shrimp. Also huge. We had enough sense to stop about halfway through, but then we ordered bread pudding… because Birthday Pappadeux. It was amazing!

Overall it was a really nice day. Afterwards, I went home to recover from my food coma and get ready to go out. Since I got the costume, I needed to wear it, so I went to a Halloween party at Scruffy Murphy’s. I dressed as a Steampunk Air Ship Captain, and ended up heading down early because A, parking, but 2, the dogs kept trying to sit on me.

So, I’m sitting in this bar, awkwardly, and I ordered the first thing I saw on tap, because I’m awkward, and it’s an IPA called Space Dust, but as I do this my bad ass steampunk skull cane falls and smacks the guy next to me. I, in my infinite wisdom of social interactions, froze like a deer in headlights. Fortunately for me, this gent bent down and picked up my cane, and just went, “That’s heavy! You could hurt someone with that. Where’d you get it?” And thus a conversation began.

This is really odd for me. I’m not the kind of person to talk to attractive men in bars. I’m the type to sit quietly and awkwardly in a corner until my friends show up or I get depressed and go home. So, I did my best to be cordial, normal, and interesting. I thought I did well, but I haven’t heard from him since… although I know where he is every Sunday. He’s a devout Catholic, apparently, and goes to confession at 3pm and mass at 5pm every Sunday at the Cathedral Basilica in downtown Denver. I don’t plan on stalking him, interesting though he was. It’s so rare that I talk to someone, and even more rare that their first question is what my favorite book is… to which I had no read good answer, for I love so many books. Still, he has my number and I asked him to let me take him to a nice speak easy, so he can contact me if he wants. If not, I’m not going to die.

Bird showed up and I mostly left the guy alone and just enjoyed my Bird. We danced. We had a couple drinks, and we both went home around midnight. I had a great time! And I was really glad that my bestie came out with me. We have ups and downs, but at the end of the day she really is one of my best friends.

Sunday we had to come into work. There’s just too much to do and new girl wasn’t catching on like we wanted. It turns out that it’s good we came in because Monday morning new girl up and quit on us, just two days before month end. What a bitch.

One the way home we stopped at Safeway, and my stomach freaked out. It hurt and I thought I was going to vomit all over. I came home, and after I ate some chicken, because I hadn’t eaten all day, that’s exactly what happened. I was VIOLENTLY ill all evening, all night, and half the morning. I couldn’t even get up the next morning, and when I finally hauled into work I was only able to stay for an hour because my whole body hurt like I’d been beaten, presumably because that’s how you feel after shitting and vomiting out your insides for 24 hours. Fortunately, whatever this ordeal was, it seems to have passed.

My birthday was just a day at work, but the office girls made it nice. One brought green chili, one brought cake, one bought me flowers. It was a lovely little affair. We worked late, to compensate for the lack of a biller, and then I went home and watched The Pagemaster.

It wasn’t an epic birthday, but it’s notable because I didn’t have a breakdown or a crisis or any kind of negative reaction. My friend Mel is pregnant, and Lindsey is engaged, D1 is going to run for congress… and I’m just here, doing the best I can, and that’s enough for once.

Welcome to the last year of my 20s… I don’t expect it to be eventful, but maybe it could be pleasant.

Life & The Year Of Content

I made a hard decision, and I ghosted D2.

It’s not an easy thing to decide to cut someone out of your life, but I couldn’t deal with our one-sided friendship. Things were always about him. We were always at his house. We hung out with his friends if we did go out. We talked about HIS illness, HIS treatment, HIS problems. I guess I thought that eventually the newness of his diagnosis would wear off and we could just be people who were friends. It just never happened. His newest relapse and hospital stay proved this. He’s not where I am and he’s not going to be there any time soon. So, for my own mental health, I cut him out.

I feel like this is the part where I’m supposed to say that I miss him, or that things have been harder without him, or something… but just the opposite is true. I’ve been happier, and I’ve even been doing things with other people. It’s like a weight has been lifted, and maybe it has.

I’d mentioned learning to play D&D last entry, and I’m still working on that. It only took me a year to do it… if you ca believe I’ve been thinking of learning since last year. Cat had me, her friend Haley, and my friend Bren over to play my little game. It was only supposed to last a couple of hours, but apparently I overdid my little game, and it went on for six hours and we still aren’t done. I still don’t have all the nuances of the rules down, and I think I’m not making the characters do things exactly right, but we’re having fun. If there’s a question of if someone can do a thing, and I don’t know the technical rule, I just make them roll against me for it. I hope to get better at actual rules later… but I might switch to Pathfinder rules… D&D has really technical rules… maybe Pathfinder is a little easier? (I don’t know… tell me if you know.)

Last week D1 was in town! I saw him for an evening at Heidi’s place. It’s good to see him. He looks great. He’s happy. He’s all around doing good shit with his life and enjoying it. We heard a little more about the Rabbi, which was neat, and I really enjoyed seeing him. Also, Heidi invited me over every Thursday to watch Supernatural. So… unexpected win.

I’ve known Heidi since high school. We were never really FRIENDS, but we were never really NOT FRIENDS either. We just kind of knew each other and never hung out without other people around for social lubricant. That’s weird, because Heidi and I have always been kind of similar. We’re both introverted nerds who like people but often hole up and don’t see anyone because we’re hermity. Being invited over for the new season of Supernatural is really cool, and I like Heidi, so I’m excited to have a weekly thing. Also, it’s not on a Friday or Saturday, so that still leaves weekends open! She also lent me a book, so I gave her one back. I dunno how long this will last, but I’m excited to do a thing with someone.

I also went to my first book club meeting on Monday. My friend Evan has been badgering me to come to his book club, because he is a rather hermity, socially awkward human being, and he goes to socialize and read books he otherwise would not. I don’t really like reading books I otherwise wouldn’t, but they read a book that was already on my reading list, so I read it and showed up. I nearly had a panic attack walking in the door, but I honestly had a good time. I’m gonna read the next book and go again, I think. Would I like it more if all the books were scifi and horror? Yes, but this is a start, and maybe I can find another book club later, or even start one of my own. In general, I’m proud to have done a thing.

This weekend, I’m to hang with Bird, try to finish my costume for Halloween, and be a person. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, and I’m pretty happy. I hate to say that this is because I dropped D2, but it might be. I don’t have someone reminding me I’m crazy, that at any second I could spin out into a manic episode, or spiral into a depression. I’m just a person, living and doing stuff. It’s a nice feeling.

I turn 29 in a couple of weeks. I don’t like my birthday, but it’s how I gauge a year. Nothing happened this year. I started by having a breakdown about how at 28 I wasn’t married, had no kids, and no prospects for starting a family. I’ve done that for three years in a row. I don’t wanna do it this year. I started this year in that state of mind and everything went so horrendously anyways, between the election, and mothership getting pneumonia, and just… it was a bad year for me.

This year, I’m dubbing the YEAR OF CONTENT. It’s a term I’m blatantly stealing from one of my favorite YouTubers, Caitlyn Doughty of Ask a Mortician. She dedicated herself to a certain number of videos a week this year, and she’s kept to it. My year of content will be similar, in that I was to do at least two social things a week. It’s going to be hard… I’m not social… but I think it will be good for me, and maybe I’ll meet some people. I might join a gym. That’s a pretty easy social activity, but I hate the gym and it makes me wanna die… so maybe not. I’d like to be more healthy, but more than that I would just like to be happier. If the gym doesn’t make me happy, it probably isn’t my best choice.

Anyways… I’ll be starting that next week, although I should be able to hit my goal this week, too, since I went to book club Monday and I’m to see Heidi Thursday, and even Bird this weekend… So much social.

For accountability reasons, I’ll also be posting at least once a week to check in on if I did my two social activities… ^_^

And… yeah.