Forgets The Blood

History remembers the battle, but forgets the blood.

-Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

My favorite quote from a book. Is it a ridiculous book? Yes, obviously, but… it’s a good quote. It’s a true quote.

Let’s extrapolate.
I can tell you what I know about WWII… but I cannot relate to you the buckets of blood spilled during it on all sides (something like 80 million lives). I can tell you that around 40 million people died in World War I, but you and I cannot really fathom such a number. I can say that 45,000 people in the US committed suicide in 2016, but that number doesn’t reflect the weight of what happened. Just last year 58 people died in the Las Vegas shooting by Mandalay Bay, and 851 were injured, but while that event rocked the whole US and gave us all pause, I fly out to Vegas on Thursday evening for my 30th birthday.

You see, as soon as something isn’t happening, it’s not real anymore.

This is true in your own life. At least… I know it’s true in mine. I’m finally at a place where everything with me, emotionally, is kind of okay. I’m not depressed. I’m learning to do things I used to love doing. I’m able to invest time in a relationship I’m happy with. I don’t want to sleep until I die… Things are better than they’ve been in a really long time. While it was only a few months ago that I was so incredibly low I didn’t even know what to do with myself, I’ve already forgotten how that felt. Yes, I can tell you I was depressed, that I felt tired all the time, that nothing brought me joy, that I binge-ate all the time just to feel a satisfied fullness, that I thought I might be better off dead, that I gave up things I loved because nothing mattered, that I neglected myself in exchange for taking care of my animals, and that I was barely living (more like surviving). When I think about that, though, I don’t feel the agony I know I felt then. I can’t put myself back there.

I’ve fought really hard to get where I am, and I know that. Still, when I think about it, I’m like “that wasn’t so hard.” It was. It was the hardest shit I’ve gone through in my whole life. I know that, but I can’t FEEL that. You know? I remember the battle, but I’ve forgotten the blood. So much blood.

My point is… if your meds seem off, it’s worth getting them adjusted. You’ve forgotten the blood.

Started Cymbalta today. Shrink is trying to get me off Effexor. It’s making me reflective… also sleepy.

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A Magic (TG) Weekend

It’s been so long since I dated that I have forgotten WHEN THE FUCKING ANXIETY GOES AWAY, but I hope it’s soon.

I had a wonderful weekend. It was full of Chris.

Chris had plans to be at a Magic the Gathering tournament Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with his best friend Rob and his friend from out of state, John. His other plans were to see me in the evening.

So, Friday night after the tournament he came over and we went to see 90% Nineties, because I just wanted to get out. I’d had a terrible week: auditors and phones going down and HR problems and employee chaos, oh my. I guess that’s why I ended up drinking too much. I kept apologizing, to which he just replied I deserved to have some fun. We hung out. We played some cards. Bird & Dom came and hung out. We danced. It was a good time. Then he drove me home. I challenged him to Snowboard Kids 2 on N64, and totally kicked his ass. He got stuck. It was great.

Saturday I mostly slept off the hangover, and then hung out with Mom. We had to catch up on some TV. Saturday night, we hung out with Rob and John. I really like Chris’ friends. They’re interesting and fun, and I got to harass Rob about talking to my friend Amber. John is weird, in the sense he reminds me exactly of my friend Lo, except with a beard. They look the same, talk the same, and even move their mouths similarly. It’s fascinating. But we had a good time, played some board games, ate some Chinese. Then they wanted to play a new game, and for some reason we played King’s Cup. No one drank the cup, because we didn’t finish the game. Chris got tired and he was gonna fall asleep on Rob’s sofa, which we’d have to share with John, so I loaded him up and took him home. We were up a while after that, though. We were watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2, and laughing, and talking, and generally having a nice time just enjoying each other.

Sunday morning was nice. I got up and let the dogs out, and then I read for a while. I let him sleep till about 1130, and then he got up and went to cash in his prize tickets for the tournament. He saw more of Rob and John while I did NOTHING. I love doing nothing. Lol. Later he came back and we ate Indian food while watching The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It was a lovely time, really.

Chris came over last night, too. We were being flirty via text and he came over, and while we had a nice sexy time, we also talked about the fact that sometimes our minds wander. I told him that’s okay, and that sex is not the best part of our relationship. He agreed. It was awkward to talk about, but it was nice to kind of get it out there. I’m so used to being the only one that’s got that kind of prob. It’s nice to commiserate. Then we just hung out until he had to leave and go back to his dad life.

It was nice. I like nice.

My Cervix Hurts

I had to go get a pap smear today. I haven’t had one since 2015. Why? Because I fail them. I’ve been getting them since I was 12 and I’ve failed all but 1. It gets annoying. It gets frustrating and depressing… so I just stopped. But, you can’t dodge that forever, especially when your family runs RAMPANT with cancer.

So I went, and it was a surreal kind of experience.

When I previous went to my doctor, several things were standard at the well woman physical. The nurse would try to pry information on my entire sexual history out of me. (Which I still don’t get. Who I was fucking before my 2.5 year celibacy break does NOT effect my current sexual health.) I’d take a pregnancy test. My birth control would be held hostage until I came in for the pap smear. My doctor would remind me that this was all for my well being.

A Kaiser well woman is a lot…. less. Just less. I went in. They took vitals, as usual, and then we did a quick breast exam and a pelvic exam, followed by a Gardasil shot. THAT’S IT. Now… I don’t say a lot of good things about Kaiser, because I hate them and I’d like to set their corporation on fire from the inside out, but this was great. No interrogation. No suspicion of pregnancy. In and out. Easy peasy.

But… as always… my cervix hurts and I’m probably going to fail the pap… so that’s no good, but whatever.

Chris was a real sweetheart about this, cuz I was complaining and then had a panic attack in the doctor’s office… and he was his usual suspiciously supportive self. He assured me that if anything was wrong “WE” would get through it and get it fixed, and then he told me about his Magic Tournament this weekend to distract me. He’s great. I love how great he is. I love him. It’s gross.


In other news.

Someone asked me to describe what living with mental illness is like. Here’s my metaphor.

It’s like… you’re the paste eating kid in grade school.

Everyone knows something is up with you, but can’t always figure out what it is until an incident. Then they know, and they treat you different for it. Sometimes it’s mockery, sometimes it’s avoidance, sometimes it’s lectures and repercussions, sometimes it’s someone telling you to just stop… but even if you get better and you move on with life, there will always be the people who know what happened, and they’ll tell other people, and you’re the kid that ate paste for the rest of your life…

The longer you go without eating paste, the more you can laugh at it, the less other people will know, and the less people who know will talk about it. But you always know you’re the kid that ate paste… and you always live with that shame, even though it wasn’t something you meant to do.

If you don’t get better… you’re always the weirdo that eats paste, no matter what else you do. You could cure cancer, and you’ll still be remembered for paste… it’s always going to be a footnote in a textbook about you… “They cured cancer! But also they ate paste… so… think about that.”

Zombie Crawl

Okay, let’s backup to Wednesday.

Wednesday I went to dinner with Chris and Addi. We didn’t do anything fancy, just Panda Express, but I had a hard month-end and it was nice to see my boyfriend. Chris makes me incredibly nervous with his daughter, though. Like at Panda Express he let her go pick a table while we checked out. I kept my eyes glued to her, and he just nonchalantly paid and stuff like it was no big deal. Granted the whole place only allows her to be like 50 ft from us at any time, I just never let a kid in my care go do stuff like that before. Especially at 5. Aside from that, Addi doesn’t like to eat. She only wanted white rice, and she didn’t want to eat much of that, either. I guess it’s a common thing with her.

When she decided to show me the food in her mouth, I couldn’t help it… I told her that her dad might spank her, but if she showed me food in her mouth again I was going to drag her off and feed her to one of my monsters. Now… this was not the best idea I’ve ever had, but Chris backed me up on being a witch with a slew of monsters at home.

After dinner, Chris texted how sorry he was that Addi isn’t a great diner. I told him the truth: Addi is a 5 year old whose parents split up this year. Both parents have new love interests and her whole life got up-ended in about 6 months. She’s going to act out. But all things considered, she’s fine. To ease his mind I suggested we do dinner with Addi every Wednesday, so she can get to know me and practice eating in different kinds of restaurants. He appreciated that.

Thursday I wasn’t supposed to see Chris, but he had a really bad day at work. He seems to be the kind of person who wants to have a purpose in life, above him raising kids. While I support that, I’m not really that kind of person. I’m just sliding through life, but I’m good in times of panic. So he had a panic attack at work, and I talked him down, and then that evening I offered to buy him dinner or something so he could just relax. I ended up buying him frozen custard from Good Times, and we sat in a shady parking lot and ate it and talked like teenagers. Turns out Chris, like me, eats when stressed. Also, he stops eating when it gets too hard. Noted. I reminded him that he might not like where his life is, but that his life isn’t awful. He’s treading water, and he should give himself a break. It’s been a hard year for him. He listened to me, and I think he felt better by the time he went home.

Friday I went to Chris’ place to watch Batman vs Jack the Ripper (Gotham by Gaslight). It was weird, but mostly I just enjoyed hanging out with him. That’s… the big thing I’m a fan of. Lol.

Saturday was Zombie Crawl. We took Addi. So we took the train down, because Addi loves the train, and who really wants to drive and park in downtown Denver? So we get downtown, and I took this adorable picture.

ZombieCrawl

Daddy-Daughter Day

When we found the zombies, Addi decided she was into being dead, but not bloody. So we did some dead but not bloody makeup. I was slightly disappointed. I am good at blood. Oh well. Maybe next year. We wandered around and I took lots of pictures. Then we had pizza and zipped home.

Chris was supposed to come over, but decided against it when he discovered he opened the next day, so I decided to go to bed…. but could not.

My mother ventured to our work’s Oktoberfest event. My coworker promised she’d get her back to her car, but at 9pm my “always home before she turns into a pumpkin” mother was not home. So… come to find out that true to form, everyone at the party got hammered. My coworker conned her friend into driving my mom back to her car instead of letting her take the train or Lyft. Then his car overheated. Then they finally made it back. Mom got home around 11.

It turns out that a whole lot of shit went down with my drunk ass coworker. I’m no gossip… so I’m not gonna repeat the hearsay I definitely heard, but damn it’s juicy shit. OH MAN. That tea so good. You don’t even know. But, that’s exactly why I don’t go to the parties. I have no desire to get wrecked and lose credibility with my coworkers or bosses. I was much happier at home.

Last night Chris came over after work and we finished Hereditary. Then we watched Irish people drink bourbon and several other random YouTubes, because unlike me, somethings still creep Chris out. It was a pretty uneventful evening, except for one thing… we were going to sleep and were fooling around when Chris goes “I want to stop.” So, of course we stop, and I’m like, “are you okay?” And he proceeds to tell me how he was panicking because he thought he was telepathic for a minute. That boy can’t hold his MK Ultra… but who can? Lol. So adorable.

This weekend Chris has a Magic tournament, but maybe I’ll get him to see HellFest or Venom with me. 😛

Already looking forward to the weekend.

But not Wednesday. I have to get a pap smear Wednesday. Not excited.

Lovely Weekend

I had a lovely weekend with Chris. Friday night he came over after he got off work, and we drank some girl beer (Smirnoff) while we watched some tv. It’s super lame and unexciting but I had a great time. I just like being with the guy. Saturday I made him dinner for when he got off, and we had more girl beer. I showed him some old YouTube gold, such as The Cloak and the whole Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared series, and then we geared up to watch Hereditary… but I fell asleep. I was laying on him and it was comfy, and I just passed out. I guess he got like 2/3 of the way through… We’ll have to finish it.

Sunday I had a migraine all day… but sleeping all day isn’t the worst thing I could’ve done, I guess.

Beer Fest

 

 

 

 

 

So Friday night I went to dinner with Cat. We got tacos, and margaritas, and then went to Movie Tavern for more drinks, and then we saw Army of Darkness with Robyn. It was even worse than I remembered… but it was a good time!

Saturday, was beer fest day, but first Chris and I went to breakfast at Le Peep. I was slightly hungover and he was really nice about it. Afterward, we had to kill some time before an appointment he had, so we went to the park. I always forget how good of a workout swinging is. We just hung out on the swings. I tried to get him on the merry-go-round, but he didn’t fall for it. Afterwards, we took this ridiculous selfie and went off to his appointment. It took like 5 minutes, and then we had time to kill before we headed downtown.

So, we took a nap before going to his friend Rob’s place. Rob got tickets to the Great American Beer Festival, for his family, but I guess they bailed on him. So, he asked Chris if he wanted to go. I presume that’s when Chris asked if I wanted to go with them. I was obviously nervous, since this was the first time I was meeting one of Chris’ friends. Turns out, though… Rob’s a cool dude. He hadn’t been to the beer fest before, either, but he knew people made pretzel necklaces for it. So we made some while we rode the train down to the festival.

20180922_1751292977867474436706085.jpgSo the way it worked was you got a 1 oz glass, and your ticket gets you in to taste ALL THE BEER. Over 400 brewers, at 2-6 flavors a stall… we drank for like 3 hours. Here is my favorite booth we saw. They had syper cool buttons for their beers. I got one of each… because I’m THAT guy. We went to the Fiction booth, and I made them try Madame Psychosis. We tried some great IPAs. The boys had a peanut butter porter that sounds gross to me, but they seemed to like it. We just walked around and had a genuinely good time. Next year we need a plan, though. We kept trying to find selections that were tapped out, and we walked the floor back and forth several times, because we didn’t go in alphabetical order or with any real direction. Lol.

I, being slightly allergic to wheat, stopped drinking about an hour before the boys did. We got a plate of tacos, I followed them all over the floor several times. The end was hard. My beer drunk faded off, and my heels hurt, and my knee hurt, and I had a headache from drinking beer I shouldn’t have, and I was tired… but I kept up and didn’t let on until we got home.

I drove Chris’ Jeep back to my place, as I’d sobered up, and we went upstairs. We watched an episode of The Orville, and then Regular Show, and then decided to go to sleep. I mention all of that because I am continually surprised at how delighted I am to do such mundane things with Chris. I just like being with him. It’s a feeling I’ve never been conscious of knowing. I know I just enjoyed being around people before, but never so strongly, and I’ve never been so aware of it.

I was sad he had to get up and go to work, but I had a pretty good day. I wasn’t hungover, so that was good. I watched American Horror Story with mom, and we had lunch. Frankie and Bdo hung out with her for the evening, so it was exciting that Frankie was all excited to see me today. I love Frankie. I love Bdo, too, but when I went to bring them home he tried to bite me… because that’s Bdo. We came home and took a nap. And I’ve just been hanging out since then.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow…. work… and Mom isn’t back until Wednesday… but it’s been such a nice weekend… so I guess it’s fine… Lol. I’d rather spend it staring into Chris’ eyes… like the in-love-psycho I am.

Apparently *WE* are in love…

Chris came over last night. He didn’t stay, but he came over… because he likes me, I guess. So we were watching Adventure Time and staring deep into each other’s eyes, as we do to waste a significant amount of time, cuz we’re gross like that, and it was determined that we’re just gonna admit we’re in love.

Now, I’ve been low-key telling him I’m kind of in love with him for like a month… but it’s so nice to know it’s reciprocated. Like… I have warm gushy feelings about it. Which is weird, cuz I don’t fall in love. I’m an aromantic. This is all weird… but like… I’m so in love.

He even reassured me that if I think I’m acting needy I’m super not, and that he loves spending time with me, but also that it’s great he doesn’t feel like he HAS to. I guess the ex didn’t have friends she went out and did stuff with, so he felt like he HAD to be there with her all the time.

Meanwhile, I’m going to dinner and seeing Army of Darkness with Cat and Bird tonight. So, yay me for having friend people. Also, we’re thinking of setting my friend Amber up with his friend Rob. So, that should be an adventure. 😛

Tomorrow I get to meet Rob. The three of us are going to the beer festival. It’s gonna be a long day… but hopefully super fun. I’m excited. Gotta try to be careful what beer I drink, since I’m kind of allergic to so many of them. But I’m excited.

In general… I’m just… excited and happy and…. well I’m in love. It’s neat.


In other news, I caved and scheduled a pap smear… but it’s because I want to talk to my doctor about voluntary sterilization. They have a new, less invasive procedure where they go in and put coils in your fallopian tubes that get covered in scar tissue and prevent eggs from being released. This sounds awful, but it’s better than a laparoscopic thing where they physically go in and tie you off…. So I wanted to look into that.

I’ve decided, and decided a while ago, that I don’t want my own kids. At 30, I’ll either find a dude with kids, like Chris, or I can become a foster and adopt kids. We don’t need to be spreading my horrible genetics all over creation.