I have a habit of screwing with people on OkCupid…
Why, you may ask inquisitively?
Because if I think you’re stupid, I like to prove it…
Here is a recent conversation I had with the most boring human, ever.Don’t worry… I’ll explain anything you should know.
Guy: My favorite Mario’s is 3. You?
Me: Mario’s pizza, Mario the plumber, Mario the the clone that you keep in the basement…. I dunno what we’re talking about.
Guy: I horribly mistyped that. Sorry. My favorite Super Mario Bros. is Super Mario Bros. 3 😉
Me: Ah… I don’t really have a favorite. I’m not gamer enough to have finished any of them.
Guy: That’s okay. As long as you accept me for the Gamer I am then we will always be good 😉
I did not respond anymore… because everything I had to say about that last statement was offensive, and since he hadn’t been a prick or anything, I didn’t really want to make him cry. I have no problems with gamers, but I have many problems with insecurity, and the suggestion that I was going to talk to him “always” or that I needed to “accept” him just because we had a small, insignificant conversation about Mario.
So then, this happened.
Guy: What kind of minions do you keep?
I should explain that. My profile reads that I’m “plotting the most efficient method of world domination.” A bit later, I say, “I also spend a lot of time with my slew of pets… cuz I’m obviously going to need minions as an evil ruler of the planet.” Now… the word minion is a word that I used a while ago to describe the men that I would see just to have people to buy me dinner, have someone to take me out… they were always guys that I wasn’t going to sleep with or actually date, but that provided a viable service I would exchange my time for. That means, I used to collect unofficial boyfriends. Older men, usually, that had struck out enough, in life… It was fun, and I don’t regret it, even though it wasn’t the most honest time of my life.
Me: In general, or in relation to my pets?
Guy: Awesome. Multiple choice. :). Umm. Now that you mention it. Both. Lol
About this time, for whatever reason the little demon in my head kicks on, I got irritated with him. Something about the smiley face and the “Mulitple choice.” It just struck me wrong, almost condescending, perhaps… so my demon kicked on and I decided to be honest.
Me: In general, I collect minions that provide good purpose and have value. For pets, i have four mutts and a tortie cat.
Guy: Ooh like what kind of value?
Me: People with power, persuasion, or even money. Valuable people.
Guy: Good stuff
Now, I could have stopped here. It was an acceptable ending point, but… I just didn’t feel like it.
Me: It’s a matter of need.
Me: Is there a reason to surround yourself with people that aren’t valuable?
Guy: But why only surround yourself with people you use?
Guy: I will say this, though. To each his or her own as to what each individual deems as valuable
Okay, so the double message. Let’s discuss why that bothered me. A, he implied that I exclusively use people. This is a fallacy based on assumption. No where in the conversation did I say that I exclusively know people to use them. I said that I collect minions that are valuable for their many uses. That’s different. That’s networking. Two, upon, I assume, realizing that he just put his foot in his mouth, he backpedals to say that “to each his or her own” which, if you don’t know, is the universal way to say, “I don’t agree with what you said, to the point that I feel the strong urge to point out that I disagree, but I don’t want to start a fight with you.” And, well… I hate that shit. If you’re gonna comment, then you start the fight in the first place… but if you wanna try to be clever about it, I can work with that, too. Queue channeling my inner awful.
Me: I just don’t like useless people. Or needy people… I’m kind of a bitch like that. My only exception is my best friend… And really she’s useful, just in a “dear god I have no friends except for you, please don’t leave me for law school like my last bestie did, or for a man like the bestie before that… Oh god I’m so alone” kind of way.
This is all true, btw. I do not like useless or needy people. I, personally, think that you should be able to handle your own shit, and that you should be prepared to survive in the world without other people. I value independence and self-reliance. It’s not really a bad personality trait, but it’s often perceived as cold. There are a myriad of people that I make exceptions for, though, based on… yeah, usefulness. My best friend is great, I love her, but she’s not like me in the slightest. And, it’s true that I’ve had best friends leave me for law school and men. It’s hard to cultivate best friends, so I like to keep them around for extensive amounts of time.
Homeboy just opened a window in a rain storm, here.
Me: Lol. No. I am not at all needy. It’s my favorite personality trait. A useless person is someone that does not contribute to the betterment of my life. Needy people, emotionally fragile people… They’re useless unless they have major pull with a company, or perhaps are ridiculously free with their funds. Or they like to clean house… I could be friends with them if they cleaned my house.
Guy: Lol. Fair enough
Guy: Aren’t people worth more than a bank statement?
Two things: A, what is with the god damn double messages? Haven’t you heard of a return key to start a new paragraph? I really hate double messages. Two, where did I say that they needed a big bank statement? There are plenty of things people can offer besides money. Being enjoyable to be around is a valuable trait, for fuck sake.
Me: You don’t need money to be valuable. You just need to have purpose. Most people do not.
Guy: Fair enough.
Guy: Most people don’t think for themselves. Only blindly follow
That last bit… I hate that last bit. Trying to say something that sounds profound instead of viable conversation kindling is a cop-out. Also, to say something so generic and cliche just irritated the fuck out of me. So… I just didn’t respond. I predict that I’ll get another message in a few days, as this guy seems to really want my attention. I hate needy people.