I’m depressed… I’ve been depressed for a while. Just… irritable and unhappy.
It really came to a head last Saturday, though. I invited 54 people to a picnic in the park. Nice park. Big park. Suggested bringing kids. Bought food and toys to play with… brought my dog, too… and…. no one showed up. It was just me, sitting alone with my dog in a park, with three bags of picnic food, looking really fucking sad.
My mom showed up, because she’s my mom. She brought sandwich stuff and chairs. Also, later a friend came and brought rum. So I wasn’t totally alone… but my feelings are STILL hurt over that. My best friend didn’t even show up. She went to the museum with the guy she’s banging, even though they’re technically broken up after dating shortly.
So, as a result of NO ONE showing up, I went home with a lot of chips and various dips… which I ate… because I was sad, and I eat when I’m sad. Couple that with not being able to go to the gym, because my knee is still injured, and yeah… I’ve gained weight.
I’m trying to be better, in spite of still being crazy depressed, but it’s really hard to eat yogurt and apples when I feel like I’m dying inside. Things just feel like they’re getting worse.
I’m going back to the gym tonight, and I’m going to go against my doctor’s advice and elliptical. If I’m approved for walking and cycling, I don’t see why elliptical would be off the table. It’s like middle ground between the two. And, if it hurts I’ll just switch to swimming laps until I drown.