I found a journal I’ve been keeping on and off since Senior Year yesterday. Read some it… how lost I was, then.
But then I started thinking about it… and I’m not less lost now then I was. Not at all. I can’t even answer questions I used to be able to answer anymore. Older people will tell you that your 20s are meant to be when you figure out who you are, but fuck… I haven’t any kind of idea. I’ve had the same job for eight years, I live in the same house, next door to my mother…
I mean the only thing that’s really changed between 2006 and now, is that I have four dogs and a cat, instead of two dogs. I also go out significantly less. So… I guess I got more boring and became more of an animal hoarder. AND I stopped dating people… So I dropped that slut status… But is that gonna be the rest of my life?I know they say not to compare your life to the lives of others, because they don’t share your experiences and nothing will be comparable… but it’s almost impossible not to make the comparison. Social media throws it all in my face.Things other people have accomplished:
- MarriageChildrenLaw schoolNot growing up at allMoving awayGetting big awesome jobsJobs in the field in which they got their degree
I got none of that. I don’t even have a significant other… because people suck… but I haven’t really DONE anything. I got a graphic design degree from a horrible for-profit college… and that’s really the end of the achievement list. I haven’t even lost weight since high school. I gained it. It’s like my life is standing totally still.
But, then I had this scary ass thought…
I don’t wanna get married. I’m not going back to college, more than likely. I have a house and a good job here, so I’m probably not going to move any time soon. So… aside from either accidentally getting pregnant (which I don’t foresee since I’ve decided to stop banging people for good this time) or adopting a kid, there is nothing else for me to look forward to. I have no achievements left in life. That’s the most depressing thing to happen to a 25 year old, EVER.
Bird’s got a new man, and her graduation is coming up. Who knows what she’ll end up doing in the next five years.
Davy gets his bar exam scores soon and, in spite of his doubts, will probably get a lawyer job somewhere. Knowing Davy, this will take exactly five years for him to become some kind of partner in the firm and then he and his man will adopt some kids and sale off into the golden sunset.
And… that’s like the end of my friends list.
I have this horrible fear that nothing will change in my life in the next eight years… What if I wake up at 33 and I have 16 dogs, no significant other, no kids, and I’m still here at the dealership? I’m gonna kill myself, that’s what will happen… Probably not. I can’t leave dogs without a home… but for fuck’s sake. I just…
I can’t even… I’m scared. I hate this crap. Living with total uncertainty CANNOT be the endgame to life… You reach 25 and your world falls apart because it has no where left to go?What kind of shit deal is that?