The Nature of Hopelessness & Friendship

My mother stopped taking her meds a little while ago. She’s been on antidepressants of varying kinds since I was a kid and saw a Paxcil commercial, that had a sad little bubble, and told my mom that the bubble was her. She, however, didn’t feel that the drugs did much, and so, after many many years of taking them she just weened herself off and stopped. Initially I supported the idea. I, being one with a diagnosis a mile long, had been on a myriad of drugs for my crazy, and none of them did what they were supposed to do. Along with that, they all had some horrific side effect.

I feel like Topamax and Risperdol were the worst. You see, Topamax I tried because it had the side effect of weight loss (in a world where every mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic causes weight GAIN, it sounded really good). I spent about a month nauseous, so I can see how that would happen. Aside from perpetually feeling like I was on a boat floating on a perpetually turbulent sea, Topamax has this side effect where it makes your face, hands, and feet tingle. I don’t know what it’s like on the smaller doses (Topamax can be prescribed in really low doses to help with chronic migraines and other brain related problems, but that’s like 25mg) but at 200mg twice a day… it was like my whole face fell asleep, and my hands were going to fall off. Topomax also made me feel like I was underwater. I think that was a mixture of the tingles and what passes for mood stabilization these days. Risperdol is an anti-psychotic… and it gave me horrific, realistic, night terrors. It’s on the bottle. Never take anything without knowing the side effects.

All The Drugs

My life as a crazy person, broke down to this.

So after my experience of TAKING ALL THE DRUGS, I stopped taking ANY drugs. I stocked up on Xanax, and stopped going to any of my three shrinks. Yes, three. I had three, and they all felt my only option was medication. I proved that wrong. Don’t get me wrong… I have bad days… but normal, well-adjusted, non-crazy people have bad days. You learn to work through it and move on with your life.

Anyways, so when the mother ship decided she didn’t want to be medicated anymore, I was in full support of that. Fun Fact: Withdrawal from antidepressant medication can make you extremely suicidal. In my mom’s case, it just seems to have made her hopeless. She’s always down, now… and it’s concerning, but I don’t know how to broach the subject without offending her. Apparently EVERYTHING I SAY sounds like criticism.

Seriously, every conversation I have with my mother turns into a game of “Why I’m Wrong, Even If I Agree With Her.”

So I dunno how I’m gonna broach that subject.
What I do know, is that I’m gonna have to do it whether I like it or not, because her hopelessness is seeping over into me. In particular, I noticed this when I told her: “Things will get better.” And to that she flatly replied: “No. They won’t.”

That was last night. I had already taken some Xanax yesterday, because I was wound up and frustrated and hated everything. But after that exchange, I went into my house and looked up to see if there was a Suicide Prevention Chat Room. There is. I didn’t use it. I just changed clothes, ate dinner, and watched Steven Universe until I kind of felt better, but I feel infinitely better knowing that it’s there if I ever need to use it.

I also texted my best friend. He lives in Cali, and while we aren’t as close as we used to be, he’s still the person I like most, I think. I asked him if he ever felt hopeless. He said yes, and expressed concern about my feelings of hopelessness. Which was nice, you know, that he cared.

It’s only recently that I can kind of halfway talk to him about really real problems in my life. I don’t really share those kinds of things with friends, because friends, in general, suck and are really bad at empathy. I’m sure some of you are thinking “My friends are great. Maybe you just have shitty friends.” And maybe I DO just have shitty friends. Totally possible. I’m not sure of that, though. I think most people are bad at actually relating to the situations of others. Some can fake it… some go overboard, and those are your really emotional friends that people like to complain to for the excessive sympathy they elicit.

My life and the experiences in my life are uniquely mine, and while most people’s lives are similar to other people’s lives, mine tends to be very far off the spectrum. Even though I was a goth in high school, along with a number of my current friends, most of them grew out of adolescent depression. Mine, instead, escalated into the ridiculous mental disorder I live with. Genetics will win every time. So, when I get really low and seriously consider suicide, I can’t really tell anyone. They don’t relate, my mom just gets mad. I tell my dogs a lot. I have four dogs and a cat; they always listen, they always relate, and they always let me know that I’m needed. Best suicide prevention, ever.

It’s weird not really having anyone to tell your deepest, darkest secrets to. I used to tell the internet…. but I got older and stopped for a bit. As you can see, I’m back now. Still, if you go by TV and movies, you’re supposed to be able to tell your best friends anything and they’ll be there for you. I… can’t.

I suppose that distance that I’ve imposed on myself is why I’m not so sad that my local best friend might be moving to California to join the other best friend. I mean, yes I will miss her, but I don’t live my life NEEDING her. We hang out sometimes, but I can’t really tell her my thoughts, feelings, secrets, etc. It’s completely opposite of the relationship that society has told me that a best friend should be. It’s weird.

Still, even if she was closer to me, she’s trying to set off on her life. She’s planning law school, and all that super grown up stuff that I already went through when the last bestie left. My best friends always leave, and I’ve come to find that that’s just how life is for me. Other people move forward. I just blossom here. It’s a weird kind of juxtaposition, really.

Anyways… if she leaves, I’ll still have… a couple people…. but it would force me to make new friends, and maybe I really need that. Every time I try to hang out with old friends, I run across the “that person you’re still friends with is a jackhole… but I will play nice because whether you’ve figured that out yet, or not, you’re still friends with them” scenario. I don’t understand holding onto people that are worthless. It’s a me thing.

Anyways… that’s the update for today.

Gonna watch a ton of Steven Universe, now.

I am Amethyst....

I am Amethyst….

But I aspire to be Garnet...

But I aspire to be Garnet…

But I feel like that would just make me Sugalite.

But I feel like that would just make me Sugalite.

Which is dangerous, if you don’t know from watching the show.

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