How Often Do Normal People…

…want to curl up and die?

It’s a legitimate question.
My shrinks have told me since I was 19 years old that sadness, anger, and even overwhelming joy are normal human emotions, while the whole world has told me that my depression, blind rage, and mania are not normal human emotions. So what’s the line here?

  • At what point does happiness and excitement become mania?
  • At what point does sadness become depression?
  • What’s the difference between anger and rage?
  • And at what point should one be concerned they’re experiencing the latte of these normal human emotions?

That’s the bit that no one tells the crazies, and I think they should. If you can pinpoint when you spiral out of the normal emotion range into the severe range, I think you could better know when to check yourself.

My full diagnosis, as I’ve collected from three different psychiatric professionals, is Bipolar I with Borderline Personality, Narcissistic Personality, and Antisocial Personality traits, along with sporadic anxiety and mild paranoia. What that means, is that I am an emotional enigma. I could feel anything at any time, even if it’s the incorrect response to stimuli. Also, that feeling could change on a whim with no warning. I also lack a capacity for empathy, think unusually high of myself, and have a very bad impulse control problem.

When I occasionally tell people this, they don’t believe it.

But you’re so well adjusted. You’re not very moody. If they don’t have you on medication, you’re obviously better.

No. You’re wrong.
I’m not well adjusted. I’m conditioned for how I must act in public and at work to keep my job and not get arrested.
I’m extremely moody, but, again, I have a job and must maintain a face that is conducive to my keeping that job.I am very much supposed to be heavily medicated. I didn’t like the pills, any of them, so I just stopped taking them. That was, of course, a dangerous move on my part, and they were not happy with me any of the times that happened. So I stopped seeing all of my psychiatric professionals.

Just because you make the decision to see someone doesn’t mean they can fix you in time for you to accept help. Likewise, just because you stop seeing someone doesn’t mean you can’t implement ways of functioning in society. This does not, however, mean that you are at all fixed.

Maybe it’s stress. My job is stressful. It’s the last month of the year, we just wrapped up Month-End, and there are so many new people around here that I’m pretty much a proofreader, at this point. I also just dealt with the fact that I did NONE of the things I wanted to do this year. I lost no weight. I repaired none of my house. I didn’t landscape my backyard. I didn’t go back to school OR manage to save any money. I didn’t find a new significant other to try and invest time with. I just existed in my horrible monotony and let this year slip by like it didn’t matter…

But it did matter. I had goals. I wanted to change who I was. They say that once you hit 30, you are who you will be for the rest of your life. I’m terrified of 30… and I only have 4 years left to figure out who the hell I want to be. I’ve never known. I still don’t know. I just know it’s not THIS person. I hate this person. I hate everything about her, from her weight to her level of crazy. I hate how she lives. I hate the things she loves that no one else does. I hate how lazy she is and how much she just wants to not exist like 90% of the time.

So maybe it’s the stress. Stress of life. Stress of expectation. Stress of not knowing what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I’m just tired since I don’t sleep anymore.

I’m just sad today.
I want to curl up and die.
Or maybe just not exist at all anymore in a non-deathy kind of way.
I want to mean something important, or nothing at all.
I want to eat everything to try and get that nice feeling I associate with food, but I don’t ever want to eat again in the hopes that I can become scary thin.
I am a walking contradiction.

In better news, I already know I’m getting a cool blender for Christmas…
I’m I’m thinking of going on a smoothie diet. Get some Shakeology or something, and just give up solid foods…It could work, maybe. We shall see.Excited about my blender, though…
Totes been wanting one for months now.


2 thoughts on “How Often Do Normal People…

  1. Your diagnosis sounds intense. I think anyone would find it all a bit much to deal with. But I also think that, if you want to find that middle ground where you can actually follow through on your goals, it’ll be far easier if you try to stick to the medications you’re prescribed.

    I hope your new blender rocks!

    • Actually, I’ve done much better since quitting all medication. Meds were a nightmare that started a new monthly. I might go up and down now, and in not good with people for long periods of time, but I’m doing alright most of the time. Dogs and cat help. Pets are the best therapy. My talk therapist keeps an eye on me. She doesn’t like that I’m off medication, but so long as I’m not having problems she had no strong argument to try more. If I’d found a drug that worked, is still be on it. They just never worked for me

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