Day 2: Feeling Better, But Still Down

So yesterday, being the shit storm that it was, I had a small breakdown at home. It wasn’t pretty, but I didn’t throw my life away and kill myself or something, so I call it a win.

I did find out that I have a really good friend and someone I can talk to. He’s my Cali Bestie. I’m sure I could have called any of my besties and gotten a good response; they’re good people. Still, I don’t like how Bird reacts to things and I don’t like bothering Hippie. So, when I was sitting at home last night being overly dramatic and wallowing around in despair, I text Cali. I don’t like bothering him, either, but with how depressed he’s been recently I thought he could at least commiserate with me. He did more than that, and I can’t thank him enough. It’s amazing how much easier life is when someone just understands, at least partially, where you’re coming from.

So, I binge-watched Friends, cuz that’s available on Netflix now, and I love Friends… and I ate the last of my chicken casserole in two ridiculously portioned servings.

This morning I didn’t feel better. I mean, I didn’t feel as bad, either, but I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed and renewed and super good about my life. I woke up in a sense of malaise. I’ve decided to just start over today, though. I can’t fix the past shitty year of shit. I can’t go back… but I can implement some better work practices, get on my vegan month train for real, and just truck along.

I’m thinking of purging a bunch of things… Reducing the clutter in my house would make my home more enjoyable, anyway. I feel like all I do is throw things away, though. It’s like there’s a junk generator in the pit of my house and it’s just working its ass off all the time… But I can get rid of some books, and some movies, and my old TV, and this and that… some clothes, I’m sure… Blankets… It would also make my house easier to reorganize.

We’ll see what happens.
The important thing, right now, is to get through year end at work… then I can use my weekends and evenings to focus on my home…

I’m not positive. I’m not upbeat. I’m not seeing the bright side of anything. I’m just doing the best with what I have right now… and hoping that’s good enough to get me through.

This is a hard year for me. When I was 13 I decided that if I made it to 26 without a husband, kids, or a really great career that I would just kill myself and save myself the shame of living a life of regret. I don’t have a husband, or even a boyfriend. I don’t have kids, just way too many pets. I don’t have a good career, just a decent-paying job that’s trying to crush my soul. So maybe I should have killed myself on my birthday, like I’d planned 13 years ago. That thought’s always in the back of my head.

I can’t, of course, kill myself. Not until all my pets have died and I have a clean house… Based on how lazy I am and how old my youngest dogs are… I’m gonna be around at least into my late 30s… Which is oddly depressing, but at least it’s a fail-safe. I’d hate to regret killing myself. You can’t take that one back, can you?


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