13/365/2015

So I’ve been looking for a job.

I thought you liked your job?

Yeah, I do, but I can’t keep coming here with all this ridiculous bullshit. It’s so unpleasant to come to work and know that the bitch in front you, that you trained, has tried to get you fired. She has. Since Christmas this crazy bitch has launched an assault on my BossLady Mothership and myself. So, that’s made work real fucking unpleasant.
Also, I’m getting tired of working with the Mothership. I love her. She’s not a bad boss. She just… doesn’t treat me like an employee. I am her daughter, so I have to work harder, fly higher, and never be wrong. And I’m sick of it. I’m not opposed to hard work, but this is a double standard. That maniac bitch is allowed to go out and socialize on the showroom floor because Mothership doesn’t want to correct her, but I miss getting up for break and it’s a big thing.Everywhere I’ve applied is unimpressed with my resume, though. Apparently my 9 years of work experience means nothing without a CPA… which is depressing as fuck. So, I’m looking into college again… which is frustrating in itself, because it’s just going to add to my student loan debt that NEVER FUCKING GOES AWAY. So… that’s fun. I’m depressed. I hate everything. I’m lonely. My life is not going well. Earlier today I had a thought… “Well, bitch, maybe you should have just killed yourself back on the 1st. I mean, it’s not like shit seems to be getting better.” I never said it was a positive thought.I’ve been trying to be vegan, but I’m not good at it. So then I decided to be vegetarian and eat cheese, but that really just resulted in my binge-eating cheese. So, I had to drop that shit. I like food, but I hate cooking every single night. I hate that eating meat now makes me tired, as realized when I ate some this weekend. I hate that I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. But I have 18 days left… and maybe I’ll just keep doing it. Or… close to it.I’m not gonna lie to you, I have a whole chicken thawing in my fridge right now… and I fully intend on cooking it tonight. Last night I had rabbit… I am eating LESS meat, overall. I feel good when I don’t eat meat. I don’t necessarily feel bad when I do eat meat, but not as good as I do after a non-meat meal. I recognize and appreciate the effects a meat-less diet offers. I’m attempting to eat more kinds of grain (tried quinoa last night… weird but good), and I have main veg staples that I eat, now… but vegetables are not good for binge eating.

Then don’t binge eat?

Yeah, that’s how I cope with stress, so that NOT DOING IT thing really isn’t going to work for me. Also, no one tell me to exercise to relieve stress. Exercise makes me think about suicide. There are no endorphins, there is only me and my brain doing something mindless, so it wanders off into why my life is worthless and how I should just kill myself. So save your breath, because I cannot exercise to relieve stress. Recently, since vegetables are SO BAD for binge eating, I’ve been eating cookies… and ice cream. I hate that. I don’t really like sweet shit… but it’s all I have to play with, here… I just… I am miserable… and lonely… but at the same time anyone that would want to see me I can’t stand being around right now… I’m hoping that it’s a phase that I blow out of, like all my moods… but it’s a persistent and very upsetting phase…

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