“Wow, this transgender person is more attractive than I am.”

Here’s why this statement upsets people:
“What you’re saying is that this person wasn’t born this way, so it’s somehow unfathomable that they could ever surpass me, a born this gender person, in attractiveness, but they do, so that like double crazy impressive, but weird and unnatural. Also, it negates all the non-cis passing trans people in the world.”

I get that…

Here’s why I think this statement pretty much every time I see a trans person:
“Holy fuck… I have been this assigned gender my entire god damn life and I am incapable of attaining the level of amazing that this other person has managed in a shorter amount of time. I will never look as good as this person, and I’m suddenly feeling really shitty about my appearance and life choices. I was given this gender, accepted it as what I am recognized as in society, have no real qualms about being this gender, but never bothered to embrace it like this transgender person has fought to do. I take no pride in my gender, nor do I emphasize it with my outward appearance in any way, or if I try to emphasize it with my outward appearance I look so flawed and messed up that I give up trying that again for at least 6 months. Like… what am I even doing with my life that I haven’t realized my full potential with what I didn’t even have to fight for? It’s always been there as something I have and I just never cared enough to use or deal with? What else in my life am I totally taking for granted that was freely handed to me from birth? How worthless of a human being does this make me, since I can’t even be the best version of myself?”

And that…  guess is just a projection of my own insecurities and problems with myself, even this far into life.

When I see Laverne Cox, or Caitlyn Jenner, or just a trans person on Tumblr or something and my brain registers how amazing they look and how non-amazing I look… it’s not making the comparison because they are transgender; it’s making the comparison because I have never felt woman enough to be that amazing, and I have never felt man enough to be trans. I don’t feel like anything.

When I see that person that has really embraced the gender they wanted and needed to be on the outside to match their insides…
When I see that chick that has worked so hard at the gym to have the body they wanted to fit into that dress, and they worked really hard to master winged eyeliner, and they can walk in heels without falling, and they know things females are supposed to know…
When I see that guy that worked really hard to cultivate himself into his ideal image of a man, and they groom that facial hair just right, and they’ve spent a lot of time figuring out what makes them look exactly perfect…
It doesn’t matter what their gender was assigned at birth. They’re impressive and magical and all I can sit her and do is think to myself, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t pull it together to fit ANY gender? Why don’t you even care? People are fighting to be something, for fuck sake.”

So is this what agender feels like? Or am I just a lazy female? How am I supposed to know?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s