Purpose.

Purpose

I never understood this image.
You see this a lot if you hang out on the internet as much as I do. It pops up as some kind of random motivational thing for people who might be feeling bad. I guess that’s nice, but I still don’t understand the text.

My heartbeat isn’t purpose. It’s not beating out a secret to me in Morse Code that tells me why I’m alive. As far as I can tell all life is a fluke. It’s just basic Chaos Theory… anything that could happen will happen. Life exists here because it could, and that’s it. Nothing that I do in my life will change the universe. Nothing any of us does will really impact the world. Once in a while someone catches a lucky break. They fight for a cause, they discover something important, they kill a large number of people… and history will remember them. The rest of us will be forgotten in the ravages of time… probably by the time our grandchildren are grown, really. I know a bit about my great grandparents on my mom’s side, but not as much as I maybe should. When I’m gone, all memory of them will be too. Isn’t that sad?


Anyways… I am depressed today. I dunno why. I slept well, I have a date tonight, I haven’t abuse caffeine in a while… Just a Bipolar spike, I guess. Wonder if I’ll get to be manic later. That’s always way more fun… until it’s not… #crazybitchproblems

I’m decided NOT to write a book on being AroAce… because who is really going to fucking read it? No one. What is there even to write about other? Not every AroAce feels as uncomfortable as I do with themselves. A lot of asexual people feel just fine with themselves. A lot of aromantic people feel just fine with themselves. No one really wants to read about my stupid insecurities and how I spend like 40% of my time wondering why I’m so broken. It’s like reading about my mental health… it’s novel the first time, and then it’s just whining. Everyone has problems and mine are not special.

I’ve also decided not to start a YouTube channel… because who would watch it? Hardly anyone even reads this blog. It’s not going to be better just because it’s me with a camera. It’s still going to sound just like this, but you’ll be looking at a narcissistic, fat, crazy broad spouting it all at you. Plus, I suck at video editing… I think long silences are funny. So… just gonna give up on that.

I’ve been looking into getting a PS4… but today I can’t really tell you why. Yeah, they’re gonna remake Final Fantasty VII for the PS4 with epic graphics, but I don’t really play video games that often… so I can really survive with my retro consoles. Also, I was like, it streams TV! I deserve TV! But I’ve lived without a real source of TV for like 9 years now… so what the hell do I care about TV? I’m surviving just fine… It’s just an impulse buy I wanted. I definitely don’t need it.


Details about tonight’s date?

Just a nerd I met on OkCupid. He’s not particularly interesting or special. Has a car, which is fun and new. From Arizona, which doesn’t really interest me at all. He’s nice, though, and he’s not terrible to look at, and I want a fucking date.

The last nerd from the internet I was supposed to go out with cancelled on me, and then deleted his OkC profile… so that was a blow to the ego. Before that, I went out with a guy, had a lot of fun, and then he never called… Before that… it’s just a lot of first dates that I either didn’t go well or that I thought went well but then they don’t call. So… I have no hopes for this at all, but at least it’s an excuse to go drink some beer.


Okay, so that’s it… that’s my day…

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