I’ve already reconciled that one day I’m probably going to kill myself.
It’s quite depressing, but probably true. One day, I’m not going to have anything left to live for. When mom goes, when all the pets move on, I’m going to have nothing to hang out here for. It’s not like I have a love life or a booming social structure to fall back on when everything has gone to shit. No, when the world feels like a cold, shitty place with nothing in it worth existing for, I have my mom and my pets. One day those will be gone, and so will I.
I got a promotion at work, and it really just made me want to cry. I got a raise, but I jumped into a higher tax bracket, so it’s not really that significant… I think I’m taking home almost exactly the same amount of money. Which is shitty. I don’t’ understand tax brackets, but they essentially make getting a raise feel completely pointless. Also, the job isn’t hard, but it’s a lot of cleaning behind the last person that had the job, and a lot of her mistakes pretty much make me want to curl up under my desk and just cry. When everything you touch is wrong, it really takes everything out of you.
I bought a PS4, because I thought my raise would be better news. I suck at playing Batman: Arkham Knight. Fuck the Batmobile. It’s so god damn hard to drive. I like Mortal Combat. It’s violent and mindless. I like streaming Netflix to my TV, too. It’s been nice not to have to watch TV on my laptop.
I’ve been thinking of taking up drinking. As a rule, I don’t keep alcohol in the house. I’ve been scared of turning into my dad for a long time, now. I think I’ve reached a point, though, where I don’t give a fuck anymore. Everything feels awful, and I feel very alone, so why not drink until I potentially feel better? Davy drinks almost daily. I dunno if he feels as lonely as I do or if he just likes to drink, though.
I haven’t seen my friends in weeks. It’s not that I don’t know where they are every single Friday, I just don’t care to see them. I don’t like karaoke, and I definitely don’t like Pitcher’s. I was invited to go to RenFest with them this weekend, and while I would like to go to RenFest… I don’t really want to go with them. Between shitty jobs, shitty men, and the melancholy of adult life, in general, I don’t feel like hanging out with people.
In particular, I don’t want to see my friend that just broke up with her boyfriend. The whole world knew that he was a worthless piece of shit. He just was and he aspired to be nothing else. It’s not our fault that she wasted two years on him. It’s not our fault that somewhere in all that time she didn’t look at her life and wonder why after a failed marriage she was dating someone ten years younger than her with no future. That’s not my god damn fault, and I don’t want to hear about what a shit he is, when I already knew that. It’s not news to anyone except her.
I think I might just stop having friends… I already do most things alone anyways… Friends just disappoint me and irritate me… I can’t rely on them. I can’t be sure I’m going to even enjoy their company… so what’s the point?
Maybe I’ll snap out of this. Maybe I’ll wake up some day this week and realize that life is beautiful… but i doubt it.
Life is pretty meaningless.