Mean Kids

I don’t want kids.
If anyone comments that I’ll feel different when I meet the right man and settle down, A, I’d like to remind you that I’m an aromantic asexual, 2, no one asked for your comments, and D, shut up, because saying shit like that to impressionable minds ruins generations of kids that think they’re fucked up for not feeling what people told them they would be feeling. JUST LET ME FEEL WHAT I FEEL.

Anyways, I read an article on some website about reasons Millennials aren’t having kids.
Apparently, I’m not the only one… Reasons for this include:

  • Student loans making financial stability impossible
  • Passing along crazy
  • World already feeling overpopulated
  • Fertility issues
  • Pregnancy being shitty, in general (if not potentially dangerous)
  • Fear of not parenting correctly
  • Lack of maternal instinct
  • The world being seriously fucked up
  • Careers being more important than starting a family
  • Wanting to have a lifestyle that a kid doesn’t fit into, like being a nomad
  • Just not wanting them

I fall into the “mental illness” camp, amongst others.

At this point, whatever is wrong with me, I sure don’t want to pass on to kids. Being a kid was shitty, and being a fucked up kid was hard. More importantly, though, I don’t want to be a mentally ill person raising a kid. I don’t think we mentally ill people really do kids justice when it comes to parenting. People are already just doing the best they can on that front, as it is. When you throw mental illness in there… Things get tricky, and very quickly it can get very unhealthy.

My dad is bipolar. I didn’t grow up with him, but all my shrinks have agreed that I prolly get most of my mental illness from him. My mom has clinical depression. I didn’t used think that her depression effected me much, but I’m beginning to think otherwise.

When I was in high school, I went through puberty, as ya do, but I also started being volatile, self destructive, having mood swings outside the scope of PMS and normal teen girl feelings, and it was the start of my love story with suicide. It was terrible. Long before that, though, I can remember things being wrong.

Growing up, I was adorable. We were broke, but my mom found the best dresses and shit, and made sure I looked great, and that I was happy. I never knew we were poor till way later… like maybe late middle school, early high school. I would say that means she did quite well with me. I was a well-balanced little nerd child with high grades and not a foul thought floating around in my head.

Middle school was hard on me. I’d swapped out of private school to public school when we moved the previous year, so I’d lost all my friends, the curriculum was literally so easy that I didn’t understand it for like a month, and I just wasn’t really fitting in that well. I liked my after-school care, because the adults were cool (the kids weren’t terribly fond of me), but middle school is the end of when you can put kids in after-school care… So, I felt quite alone.

I learned to be a latch-key kid, take the bus home to an empty house and lock all the doors… never answer the phone till it goes through to voicemail and mom says it’s her… But I still had problems. The overwhelming problem was that a lot of people wanted to pick on me. I WAS a little fat girl with no fashion sense and overdeveloped social skills that kids didn’t get…. so… I guess I was asking for it. It got really bad, though. I’d come home and cry a lot. One day a kid hurled a rock bigger than my fist at my head. It hit me on the back of the skull, knocked me down… there was blood. I went home and cried. I did not go home and tell my mother anything about it.

Here’s the thing. My mom was a great mom. She still is. The thing about my mother, though, is that she’s great at making me feel like my own problems don’t matter. When I was a kid I was hyper-aware that my mom was very busy and very depressed. She went back to work two weeks after I was born, and even when she ended up unemployed she found work to go out and do (selling our stuff on the side of the road in a shit town in Florida). She’s worked everyday of her life to try and give me a great life. Not once have I ever intentionally taken that for granted.

So when I had problems in middle school with shitty boys trying to break my skull open, I went home and cried it out before she got home. When I entered high school started thinking about how much I hate myself, I went home and cried it out before she got home. When I made bad choices and wanted to tell someone about it, I went home and cried it out before she got home. When I felt like I was going crazy and couldn’t control what I was thinking or feeling, I went home and cried it out before she got home. When I thought about killing myself, I went home and stared at my method of choice for hours, and then put it away before she got home.

I didn’t manage to hide everything. She was aware of my failing grades from not going to class. She was aware that I would binge eat. She was aware that I didn’t ask to go hang out with my friends much, which is apparently abnormal. She watched as I spend more and more time plugged into the computer. She was the one that bought me all my goth wear. She was often who took the brunt of my anger when I flew into a rage that I couldn’t explain.

I guess she was just too busy to put all those pieces together.

I told her about the rock incident recently, in passing, and she asked why I didn’t tell her, then. I couldn’t tell her that it was because I didn’t feel like I could tell her most things. My problems haven’t been something I wanted to bother her with for a long time. I like to say that made me independent. I think it’s really made me distant to people.

In high school, when I was slowly losing my mind, I remember us getting in a fight one day, and her telling me that I say terrible things to her. I still don’t think I did. I mean, I knew what my friends said to their parents and I wouldn’t dream of ever saying shit like that to my mother. In retrospect, I think it was the bad mix of a volatile bipolar (amongst other things) teenage girl and a clinically depressed woman. I would yell or be upset and she would take everything to heart. Every word engraved on her fragile psyche, forever.

I’m better now… in the sense that I’m trained to act relatively normal, and then go home and blow up or shut down or whatever in the privacy of my own home, where no one can hear me scream but the dogs. I still go home and cry a lot. I also sometimes go home and drink, or smoke, or take a percocet, or maybe all three if I’m feeling particularly like life is meaningless. I have gotten better about going home and eating, though… so… improvement.

Yesterday I caught myself self-harming. Back in the day I was cutter. Being so pale, as I am, you can’t see most of the scars, though. I’ve since learned that things like that make people aware… so I took a can of air duster, held it upside down, and sprayed it at my arm. I’ve done it before. It hurts, because the fluids inside are cold to keep the air compressed. It’s a biting kind of pain that it comparable to putting your hand on a hot stove. You lurch away from the immediate feeling, but it lingers… spiking now and then. So long as you don’t do it too long, there’s no lasting evidence you did anything. Your skin will get a little red… if you do it often you might get some blistering… Two weeks ago I did it WAY too long and I developed first stages of frostbite. Even now, the skin that took the most damage is just a little scaly. You can’t really see it anymore, but I can feel it when I run my fingers over the spot.

I guess until yesterday I didn’t think of this game as self harm, to be honest. I’ve always like the cold from canned air. I used to play with it all the time. It’s only in the past few years I’ve taken it farther than I used to… pushing my cold limits.

I think I’d be a mostly great mom, just like mine was… but with these habits of mine… with these mood swings and necessity to decompress once a day in a blaze of emotional turmoil… I can’t subject a kid to that. It’s bad enough I subject the dogs to that…

Related/Unrelated: Got the new Ghost Town album today! Here’s a song off of it that’s kinda related to this entry.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s