Virginity (Or The Lack Thereof)

There are so many things I wish I’d known before I lived.

I keep reading these articles that all have the same title:
“Things I Wish I’d Known Before Having Sex.”

I guess, for a lot of people, sex is a really big thing that happened in their lives. It marked the end of their childhood, or… something…

I have a hard time relating to people that see having sex for the first time as a really big major thing. To be honest, I don’t even remember the first time I had sex, except that the bleeding wouldn’t stop, which made me really scared and generally upset, and it turned out that was because I also got my first period that day. It was a big day for me all around.

The guy was not significant. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, and he wasn’t at all special, unless you count that about a month prior to me letting him stick in I told the school counselor that he was suicidal and got him thrown in the looney bin for a week. He was, literally, suicidal. He even detailed it out for me how he planned on doing it. Apparently, he had a lot of problems, because the counselor was aware of who he was and didn’t even flinch at the idea he might shoot himself. So…
I made such poor life choices in high school.

What did I wish I knew before I let a large half-Egyptian-half-Irishman violate me?

The articles address a lot of things I understand but can’t relate to, such as the concept of “losing” something by having sex. I never saw it that way, and even though no one had ever really told me that virginity was special or that having sex out of wedlock makes you less valuable as a person, I knew a lot of people that WERE told that. For me, having sex was just a thing that had to be done, and that most people did in high school. I wasn’t good at fitting in with my classmates, since I was a year younger than them all and completely lacked normal social skills. It was for this reason that I dove head first into having sex freshman year. I was 13 and historically a late bloomer, so I just got it out of the way. Was I ready for it? I dunno, prolly not, but I don’t think it left any lasting effects on my psyche.

They also tackle things like, “it wasn’t like the movies,” and “I thought we’d be together forever.” I’m consistently baffled by the number of people that really thought anything in life would ever be the way they thought it would be. I went into it knowing that A, it would prolly be gross and painful, 2, that we would NOT be together forever, and D, that it would probably be laughably short on top of not being very fun. I knew that. I’m a realist, and it lived up to every single one of my sad, sad expectations. It hurt, it was brief, he sweat a lot, and we broke up within the month. Honestly, he should have been a LITTLE better, since he was three years older than me and a giant fuckboy (man-slut, for those of you not up to date with the lingo). I would later find out just how terrible he was, along with how much worse he could have been.
I wonder if thinking about the past is this disappointing for everyone….?

Real talk: I wish I’d known that I was asexual before I had sex. I’d still prolly have had sex, because why not, but maybe I wouldn’t have spent the next decade plowing my way through everything with a pulse trying to figure out why sex was so boring to me.

It’s a little bit fitting that my first time was with a crazy person, seeing as how I was on the fast track to being crazy myself. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t upset when that relationship ended at the four month mark. I WAS an idiot 13 year old, after all. I don’t look back and miss or desire that terrible crap, though. Like, some people look back on their first time with fond memories, like making love on a blanket next to a lake, surrounded by the lights of fireflies at the end of summer… and then they had to return home from wherever they were, but they’ll never forget that night for the rest of their lives! Then there’s me. I just went through a period where I wanted a happy ending… and Hallmark slash Disney promised me that I could find those with a high school love. They are dirty, dirty liars. This is why I’m so fucking cynical.

None of my high school boyfriends were worth a damn. Actually, none of my boyfriends, short of the most recent (who I should make a post on, because there was really nothing at all wrong with him) were REALLY worth a damn if I’m honest with myself. A lot of my romantic and sex life is made up of me seeing a man (or woman) and my brain going, “Maybe that one can fill the gaping hole in your life where a sense of security and well-being should be.
Spoiler: They did not.

If you’re reading this, I’d love to hear what YOU wish you’d known before you had sex, or if you have a particularly lovely or horrible first time story, I’d also love to hear that.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s