I’ve been depressed.
I think it’s because I’m lonely… or maybe I’m lonely because I’m depressed… but I was seeing this guy, and he stood me up…. and I think it made my depression worse.
Now, I’m not a naturally forgiving person, but he’s super nice and we get along, and I genuinely like him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said that he didn’t feel good and fell asleep. So he asked me to dinner the next night, and then his work called, I guess, and he cancelled.
So that was two nights I got all dolled up with nowhere to go. The first time I sat at home, cried, and drank an entire bottle of wine. I don’t even like wine, but it was there. The second night, I had already left the house. I was headed downtown, I was excited, and I looked good. I thought of going downtown anyways and getting wasted, but I didn’t want the DUI. Instead, I turned the car around and went to karaoke. It was adequate. My friends can really step up when they want to…
I gained back half the weight that I lost earlier… so… that was no good… but I now need to lose EXACTLY half my body weight to be “happy.” Really, that’s how much to get well within a healthy BMI range… but in theory that should make me happy. In reality… I’d be happy to lose 70…. I’d still be “overweight and borderline obese” but that would be my high school weight… What more can a fat kid ask for?! Seriously, though, I’d be happy there… and then after being sure I can maintain that weight I could lose the rest….
So I’m back on 1200-1500 cals a day… aiming for 800 cals a day… If I aim for 800 and I hit 1200 I’m fine… if I allow myself 1200, and then sometimes I hit 1500… Whatever! Really if I’m under 2100 cals, it’s a good day for me. Lol. I’ve been binging. SO MUCH BINGING. So… I aim low, and then just don’t worry about it if I’m over. It’s a mind trick thing.
Anyways… that’s me.