10 Years Out of Hell

Real Quick.
Before we get into this… I’ve fallen in love with this YouTube musician, Leo Moracchioli, and all his metal covers.
Click here for a a badass cover of Ex’s & Oh’s by Elle King.

This is going to be a long one, so I’ve conveniently separated it into sections for you.

So, it’s been 10 years, as of this coming May, since I was in high school.
A, it doesn’t feel that long.
2, I haven’t seen or heard anything on our potential reunion.
D, I probably wouldn’t go to a reunion anyway.

SECTION A: Why high school sucked/currently sucks/will suck for everyone…

I remember the first day of high school pretty vividly. Maybe it was the fact that I was scared out of my mind, or maybe everyone remembers high school like a nightmare that you relive every night for four years, but that was a day that I remember in detail.

Now, fortunately, my middle school was almost as big as my high school, so the size of the building wasn’t that daunting. What WAS daunting is that somehow I became even more hyper aware that the friends I’d managed to make in middle school were going to be part of a crowd with a target on their back.

Quick Recap of Middle School: I was a loser with no friends coming out of one year at an elementary school. I was a fashion ignorant, shy bookworm that liked to draw. I spent a lof middle school alone in the library. I did manage to make friends. We liked anime and drawing, and geeky ass weeab shit. At that time, it was not socially acceptable, but I didn’t really care until I realized that I was going to end up in the same position I was in when I started middle school… which was loser with no idea how I’m SUPPOSED to act to keep from being even more of a loser.

So, my middle school friends, either unaware they were going to be socially cringe-worthy or just not caring about it, quickly joined the corresponding group of table top gamers, thespians, and weeabos that my high school had to offer. Don’t get me wrong… they were good enough people. Most were pretty nice, and I held nothing against them.
I just didn’t want to BE them.

As a previous social outcast, I wanted more. I wanted to belong for once since leaving private school. I’m not sure it would have turned out better in private school, but that was the last time I felt like I really belonged to a social group. So I, being the clever girl I am, spent day 1 of high school observing the different social groups that my school had to offer. The school was huge, but there weren’t that many groups. The preppy population made up most of the school. We were supposed to be the rich school, and that’s just want we were for the most part. There was the gamer group, which included the table top gamers, most of the thespians, super awkward bookworms that still needed friends, and the weeabos. There was the hip hop club…. stereotypically this was the black group. There were black people in all the different groups, but this was the majority of the black kids. There were the Asians… most of the Asian demographic was Vietnamese, but any Asian was welcome, unless you were Indian. There were, of course, Asians in all the other groups, too, but the main group that spoke to each other in Vietnamese were prolly a good third or more of the school, and not terribly friendly. And then there was the goth group.

I will never forget looking at the goth group. They were a black spot in an otherwise bright common area. They hung out under the main stairs and just seemed pretty chill. There were no goths in middle school, so this was the first time I’d seen them outside of movies, but they just seemed alright. No one seemed scared, no one bothered the quiet kids, no one was crying… it was just a bunch hanging out. I watched them for a while, and decided.
I was going to be a goth.

I didn’t have a goth wardrobe, and we didn’t have much cash, so I had to find other ways to get myself into the group. I don’t know why I didn’t just walk up to them and be like, “Imma sit with you guys.” They probably wouldn’t have really cared. Still, I had to figure out a way in.

So, I dyed my hair bright red. It looked awful. But it worked.

Long story short, the goth group was great. I wasn’t REALLY a goth… I didn’t have the dedication to makeup, but I bought a lot of baggy black clothes, and was more of a grunge kid. We had punks, goths, grunge kids, stoners… people just hung around a lot. ALL WERE WELCOME! And while high school was still an insufferable nightmare, at least I had a place, and felt like I belonged to a social group.

This didn’t stop people from trying to make my life hell. Kids are fucked up assholes. You get harassed for everything, even if you don’t have a target on your back (or join a big group of black wearing sad kids).

I have a number of friends that were pretty preppy, and they HATED high school just as much as I did. EVERYONE caught shit. Even… okay, so my friend has two daughters. In high school they were thin, pretty, blonde… like cheerleader Barbie… and they WERE cheerleaders. One was REALLY good at it, so all the older cheerleaders hated her for no real reason at all. She’s a great girl. She’s fun. She parties like a demon. She’s the girl I secretly wanted to be… and she still caught so much shit she’d sometimes cry about it.

I guarantee that pretty much every girl has gone home and cried about being treated like shit in high school. If you didn’t, I DEFINITELY guarantee that you made some girl go home and cry about high school. I kind of hold that against you. That is a shitty person to be. I hope you changed.

Kids are especially cruel if you love something. I don’t know how my friends in the gamer group coped with this kind of shit… but real quick, here’s how I did.

I hated gym class. I still have weird PTSD about exercise because being the fat kid in gym class is a traumatizing experience that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. I tried to take classes I might like. I hated them all. Except… I really liked weight training. I was legitimately good at it. There wasn’t a lot of cardio, so I couldn’t fail at running. I felt good when I did it. That is… until the girls in my class made me hate myself for it.

I’m a big girl. I was a less big, but still large girl in high school. As a result, I had a good bit of muscle. You carry around more weight, so you have to be able to move that weight. I could out-bench most of the boys in my class, and all the girls. So, they made that a thing. I don’t know how they took my ability to achieve at something and made it something that I hated myself for. Being good at a thing never felt so much like dying… So, I stopped going. I picked up chain smoking. I never looked back.

I still regret that. I wish they hadn’t gotten to me like they did, but I HATED myself for being good at something. I have never tried to be athletic again. And when I join a gym, even though no one has ever made me feel weird at a gym, I just think about how much I hate myself. It’s never left. That’s insane! But it’s totally true. If you see me on an elliptical, all I’m thinking is, “You’re a fat piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to live.” If you see me lifting weights, my only thoughts are, “You should just kill yourself….” I wish I could get that happiness back… Maybe if I do drugs first… then lift. I used to do shots of tequila before doing the elliptical…. helped…

SECTION 2: Are we even having a reunion?

I really don’t know. I know that older people who’ve gone to reunions get notified like 6 months in advance, at least. I’ve heard nothing about ours…

Do we not do 10 year reunions anymore?
Fuck if I know.

Am I just not someone that would get invited?
No one else I know from high school has been invited, either…

How do reunions even get planned?
I don’t know that information, either…

I live next door to my house from high school. My mother would tell me if I received reunion mail… and then she’d want me to go, but totally understand if I didn’t, because all her reunions were awful.

SECTION D: I probably wouldn’t go to a reunion anyways.

Look, maybe some people loved high school. I don’t know anyone that did, but I’m sure those people exist. I hated high school. It was turmoil and it ruined any self esteem I might have had. I had to rebuild myself from scratch in college. It was asinine.

In this day and age, though… do we need a reunion? Isn’t this what Facebook is for?

I mean, really, if I wanted to talk to you, I could find you via internet. I Facebook stalk all kinds of people from high school. I’m not really behind on anyone’s life.

The lesbian couple that was together for like 6 years? Broke up, both are now seeing men. One is married with a baby.
Scary lesbian that I always admired? Still gay, and wears pink polo shirts now.
Girl we all thought prolly WAS NOT a lesbian, but prolly had an eating disorder? Seems, from an observational stance, to be pansexual and is working retail… also still VERY thin.
Girl who dated almost exclusively Mexicans? Got knocked up by one, who got deported, but now she seems quite happy with her family, so I guess he came back.
Boy my mom always thought needed a mommy? Still needs a mommy, but also doing kind of okay.
Super crazy smart guy that also smoked pot? Mostly into house music now, and doesn’t seem to have done ANYTHING with his intellect.
Stoner with a mohawk? Been to jail a lot… Recovered drug addict…Tried to off himself… Doing much better and got a dog.

I know what happened to almost everyone. What would I even need a reunion for? To relive the awful of high school? To find out what happened to the people that made my life hell? Don’t care.


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