I guess I’m okay.

It’s been a weird few months in terms of love.

I joined Match.com 6 months ago, because my mother is scared that I’m going to end up like she is: LONELY. That was fruitless as hell. I sent out roughly 379 messages and only received 2 messaged. I officially declare Match.com as dead. Or… maybe I’m just boring, or ugly, who know? I like to think I’m lovely and interesting, but that doesn’t mean that I am. At the same time, I also re-joined OkCupid, and re-installed Tinder. Neither of those really worked out, either. I got lots of hits, but they were either for hookups, which I don’t do, or they were people that I, possibly unjustifiably, see myself as above.

There’s someone out there for everyone, if you’re willing to settle.

After all this weirdness of liking a person, and being depressed over them standing me up, and then wondering why they’re ignoring me for like a month, and then they turn out to be socially awkward and a little gross, and they keep secrets that I can’t overlook, not to mention all the time I spent worrying about what might happen if and when we got to the point where this got legitimately romantic… blegh…
After all of that, it’s overwhelmingly clear that I need to stay the hell out of the dating pool… So, I deleted all my dating accounts.

Thing is, I don’t want to date someone. Not really. I don’t want someone that can’t live without me. I don’t want someone to be obsessed with my existence. I don’t wanna Netflix and Chill. I don’t miss dick. I don’t want or need a boyfriend or husband. I’m not looking to get married. If I want kids, I don’t see a man as a necessity to have them. There’s literally no reason for me to date.

All I’m looking for is a new best friend.

It’s strange to me how my best friends come and go. I never really keep one the way they do in movies. They get wrapped up in a romantic relationship, or move, or they just move on from me. It used to really bother me, but I’m getting used to it. I understand that she cared more about landing a husband than keeping our friendship. I understand that he had to go to law school. I understand that she couldn’t pass up that career opportunity. I understand that we were never really as close as we pretended to be. I understand all the reasons they leave. I still talk to a lot of them, but mostly in passing.

At the end of the day, though, that’s all I was looking for. I just want someone that wants to do stuff with me. I want someone to go to shows with me, and play card games at breweries, and go to museums, and watch Steven Universe, etc.
That’s not dating. That’s friendship. WHICH I AM ALSO NOT GOOD AT.

I’m abrasive at best. It’s unintentional, but at some point I just decided that I don’t have time to be SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE as opposed to being genuine. A lot of people find me fascinating because I keep things a little too real, but I’m not necessarily someone they wanna spend a lot of time with. It was recently revealed to me that I’m the friend my other friends warn new people about. So… I guess being friends with me tends to look about as appealing as getting into a hyena enclosure after dark.
I’m okay with that in some respects. I like hyenas.

Still, I dunno where I’m going to try and look for friends. I’ve looked at places that I regularly go, but I don’t really make friends at shows or bars or museums…My mom says I should volunteer somewhere and maybe meet someone (a man… she wants me to meet a man) there. I’ve wanted to volunteer at the Dumb Friends League for a long time, now, but I have to be sure we are out of blizzard weather.
Spoiler: April is going to be hardcore blizzard weather.

I’ve tried MeetUp, but my personality doesn’t seem to fit the people in the groups of which I have interest. Introverts and gamers don’t really like me. Once, I went to a meetup for “professionals” and it turned out to be all people over 40, which I was totally cool with. But they were not, and they actually ended up making me cry, because they didn’t want me there at all. So, I’ve been avoiding that since then. My friend in Australia doesn’t know why that happens, since he’s a gamer and an introvert. He thinks there has to be a gaming group that I could join comfortably. I don’t know about that. I’ve tried to join several kinds of groups. I’m either too geek for people, or not geek enough.

So for now, I’m just going to binge watch Adventure Time and play video games.

In related news, I emotionally cleaned my room yesterday. It took all of my Sunday, but I it’s clean, and I’m pretty happy about it. I do the best labor when I’m angry… but disappointment in the human race is also good cleaning fuel.


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