Well… I mean… I don’t know if it’s impossible for EVERYONE, but I’m a 27 year old, overweight, creepy introverted female with too many pets, zero social skills, zero girly skills, and no descernible qualities that people look for in a friend.
I only fit into two niches for friends.
The Fat Friend.
Girls love fat friends. Girls love fat friends even more when the fat friend is really bad at the classically feminine stuff… such as makeup, walking in heels, picking out clothes, doing hair, etc. Why? Because having this girl in your life means two things: 1, you’ll always look better than her, and 2, you’re obviously not at all shallow since you condescend to be her friend.
I make an excellent fat friend… until I figure out that’s what I am… This usually happens when the 115 lb friend in question starts telling me that they are fat and how they’re so hungry from their juice cleanse, or they take me places to assist them in meeting men (because, as I said… you’ll always look better than your fat friend). At that point I either scream at you about fat friend etiquette (which is essentially not telling me about you feeling fat, since I’m sitting next you weighing well over 100 lbs more than you and already have to push down the self destructive hatred eating at my soul every time you wanna go somewhere), or I slowly just remove myself from your life because while you’re not a bad person, I literally want to die just hanging out with you.
I’ve been the fat friend a lot. I don’t really mind it unless the other friend makes it a problem. I know I’m fat and not remotely feminine, and that’s fine so long as you’re not a cuntwaffle about it.
The Novelty Friend.
More often than being a fat friend, I have been a novelty friend in recent years. Everyone has one. Either you accidentally pick them up when you’re drunk, or you just can’t tell people like me to go away, or maybe we were once your normal friend but got weird with age and you just can’t cut us loose after 10 years, everyone has a novelty friend. This is the friend you warn new people about before introducing them. This is the friend that you don’t invite to things that could tarnish your public appearance. This is the friend that you call when you wanna do something that none of your other friends would wanna do.
In recent years I’ve been grown into a novelty friend. I just think differently than other people, I guess, because they always seem surprised by what comes out of my mouth. It didn’t used to be so bad, but I’ve grown increasingly aware of this characteristic about me and it’s made me extremely self conscious about even talking to people anymore.Like, it seems neat that when you talk to someone they become really interested in whatever you’re going to say next, until you realize the rapt enthusiasm is because this person would never have any of these thoughts themselves. Like I’m from another planet, it’s a very lonely realization.
There’s nothing wrong with being a novelty friend from an objective standpoint, but people don’t really invite you to hangout and they can’t relate to you very well. I haven’t had a friend that I felt comfortable really talking to in a long time. Like, I couldn’t call people who keep me as a novelty friend and cry or ask for real advice. We don’t relate on that level. The novelty friendship is always a superficial friendship.
I have tried a myriad of things to make friends as an adult. Before it was quite as creeptastic as it is now, I used to place lots of Craigslist ads for friends. It’s how I met Billie, actually. I tried joining groups on MeetUp.com, but that ended LITERALLY in tears. I ended up at a MeetUp that was full of people age 50+. That didn’t bother me, but it bothered them. They didn’t want me there, at all, and no one would talk to me. I left and cried in my car on the phone with my mom all the way home. I tried a few other groups, but the introverts didn’t like me, and the gamer groups didn’t think I was geek enough for them, and the hiking groups always meet on Tuesdays at 11am (and I’m at work, obvi), so after it all just not working out, and proving that I’m too introverted for extroverts and too extroverted for introverts… I stopped. After that, I started just going to things I enjoy by myself in the hopes of meeting someone there.That’s my current method of going out, but that really just ends up with me being out at a concert, museum, festival, or a car show by myself. I never meet anyone at things. I’m either too shy to talk to people, or they just aren’t picking up what I’m laying down.
Sometimes I tell myself it’s the area. I’ve been here for 19 years, so I kind of know what happens around here. I like to imagine that if I moved to California, or Canada, or Spain that I’d be forced to make new friends, and since there would be no chance of them knowing me, I could project a different persona. Truth is, I’d probably just end up not making new friends. I’d be stuck in a place where even the grocers have strange faces.
You never realize how familiar people are until you’re in a new place. Grocers, the people at Chipotle, the people in your neighborhood that shop where you do…. Your brain knows them, even if you don’t.
Anyways, that’s where I’m at in social activity.