I don’t get people that crave acceptance.
ALLOW ME TO PREFACE THIS WITH:
I know that I appear to be a white, cis, hetero female of middle class economic status.
I am actually a latina, aro/ace that would prefer to be genderless, but I can’t be open about that because I can’t bring myself to admit any of that to my mother. Our economic status is still pretty recent, as we have been so poor that we had to move into a single room in my grandmother’s trailer and my mother packed up all our belongs to sell on the side of the road just so that we eat. Also, I am incapable of having any link to my Mexican culture, since I am so overwhelmingly pale, and everyone from white people to my fellow people of Latin heritage invalidates me even being Mexican.
I am writing this as someone that is “passing” in many aspects that some people are not, that is closeted in many aspects of myself because of fear of rejection, and generally totally incapable of connecting to my culture because of my outward appearance. I’m not writing this to be a stupid white girl that doesn’t understand conflict and fear.
I am just writing this because I have to continuously push down all the sadness I feel about not being able to be myself.
So… I don’t get people that crave acceptance, and I don’t get people that have to have an opinion on EVERYTHING.
The idea of universal acceptance is unrealistic in practice. The majority of the population do not accept each other. You don’t accept you classmates, coworkers, or family members that are what you know to be “normal people.” Assuming you don’t hate them, you’re more likely to have no real feelings about them at all.
I, personally, am completely indifferent to most people, no matter who they are or what think or believe, unless they say something offensive about other people. I live in my nice little apathy bubble where everyone is collectively just a vague idea of a collective more than individuals. People don’t like that perspective. They think it’s A, heartless to be indifferent to everyone and their individual identities, 2, it probably means I’m somewhere on the Autistic scale (this is really something someone said to me once, and I was super offended that someone would compare my apathy to Autism, because autistic people are not apathetic or heartless, and if you’re gonna tell me that I’m abnormal you don’t need to tag it to a group of people you OBVIOUSLY have no idea about), and D, somehow my apathy about their own individual uniqueness somehow invalidates their uniqueness, and therefore I’m some kind of closet bigot.
Now look… I first considered this whole indifference things a while back when I realized that I was asexual, but not yet aromantic. Don’t get me wrong… being asexual isn’t anything like being a lesbian, a gay man, a trans person, intersex, etc. I wouldn’t dream of comparing it to that, I know nothing about that human experience and the trials and tribulations that go with it, and to be honest… hetero-romantic asexual people that call themselves queer kinda bug me, but one thing we do share is the concept of coming out. I originally thought that coming out as asexual to people wouldn’t be a big deal. When you think about it, it really SHOULDN’T be a big deal to anyone. I’m not going against my family’s religious stances on what constitutes love, or having to explain that the body I was born is in incorrect, or any of the things that people blindly and ignorantly use against every other kind of coming out. All I was saying is, “I don’t feel sexual attraction, so I don’t really ever think about having sex with people.” To my great surprise, a lot of people had a problem with this. To my greater surprise, it wasn’t just white hetero cis people, either… it was everyone.
I’ve never understood why people had issues with homosexuality, or trans people, or other races, or different cultures or different skin colors, or anything. I grew up with my very tolerant mom. She doesn’t always understand different lifestyles, or cultures, or sexualities, and she couldn’t imagine feeling like she was born the wrong gender, but she never had a problem with those things. Her stance has always been that people are different but different isn’t bad. As a result of being raised by her, even in my very Southern, very Catholic, very white family, I also grew up with the idea that differences in people meant nothing. She DID think it was weird that all my friends in high school turned out gay… but that whole thing is a totally different blog entry…
So, when I was experimenting with telling people that I was asexual, which is like the most boring coming out admission next to “coming out as straight,” I REALLY didn’t get why people were so upset that I didn’t feel sexual attraction. My reoccurring thought was…
WHY DO YOU CARE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
That’s often my thought on most things.
Why do you care who I’m having sex with?
Why do you care what that guy’s religion is?
Why do you care if that guy is now a lady?
Why do you care if people pierce their face?
Why do you care of they people cover themselves head to toe in tattoos?
Why do you care about all these things that literally don’t affect YOU at all?
Often, these things can be traced to misguided or out of date interpretations of religion. I don’t care if you have a religion, but I do care when you use that religion to be cruel to someone else. I could go on for a while about why religion ruins society, but it comes down to the religious people that blindly follow. Religion was a great method for controlling people in a time when access to knowledge was limited. Without knowledge you can’t trust people to make informed decisions on right and wrong or even general health. So a book written by a god figure that outlines what is acceptable, what is not, and oh by the way, here is some basic hygiene and dietary guidelines so you don’t die, that’s a great idea! It’s hard for people to dispute a god figure… I mean… he’s everywhere and controls everything.
In the current age of free information (at least in the first world) following a book written so long ago seems extremely misguided to me. A lot of things have changed from medicine, to science, to social structure. How is a book written by so many people centuries ago who couldn’t actually agree, even then, so much that the Church actually removed books they just couldn’t get behind (and yet they left Leviticus… that will always kill me…) supposed to dictate the way to live in a world that those people couldn’t even have dreamed of? It’s like humans in 2016 writing a book on how to survive on Jupiter in 300 years. You can’t trust people from the past who have never seen the place to know how to survive there.
Another reason people seem to get so worked up about things that don’t even remotely affect them is that whatever it is makes a person feel icky. Men not liking gay men because they don’t want to get hit on. Men not liking trans women because they’re scared of getting “conned” into having sex with what is really a man (btw, this is not how trans women work… they’re women… liking one doesn’t make you gay… unless you’re also a woman… in which case, you might be gay, and I wish you and your trans woman wife a very happily ever after). Men not liking women breast feeding in public because they don’t like seeing babies sucking on boobs they want to also suck on. I’m not going to lie to you, most of my examples are men being dickwads about things. There are dickhead women, too, of course. Women that say butch lesbians should just become men if they’re gonna like women and dress like a man. Women that don’t accept trans women as actual women and don’t want them to use the same bathroom. Women that press on their sons the “correct” way to be a man and that deviation from that means you’re gay, and that gay is wrong. Women that do the same thing to their daughters and use the phrase “men don’t like it when girls __________” and force the idea that their daughters only exist to get married and please their man. Women that actively look for a “sassy gay friend” like it’s a novelty accessory that all women should have.
Here’s a list of things that make me feel icky:
- Couples in general
- Breastfeeding (I don’t know why, but it does make me uncomfortable… I guess cuz I haven’t been exposed to it hardly at all)
- Being in a room where I only know one person and they’re talking to someone else
- Any time a guy mentions his dick
Here’s what I do with those icky feelings:
- Cover my house in mint and other strong scents to deter spiders
- Play with my phone to avoid having to look at couples when I’m out
- Play with my phone or leave the room
- Play with my phone, go get another drink, smile and hope someone talks to me
- Block him from OkCupid after taking a screenshot for my Tumblr
Notice how none of my things actually interfere with the thing that icks me out? I’m not protesting their existence, or physically causing them harm. I’m not demanding that the situations be conformed to fit my specific feely feels, just because I feel a little uncomfortable. BUT I AM ALSO NOT ACCEPTING IT. I’m not giving my undying support and caring about these things in a positive way. These things all still make me feel really uncomfortable and I don’t like them.
People always miss this nice middle ground of indifference. There are always going to be things that are against your personal beliefs, but cause no actual harm. There are always going to be things in like that make you feel icky. Just because you can’t accept those things with open arms and joy, doesn’t mean you have to hate it. I don’t need acceptance. I don’t need you to be oh so excited that I’m whatever I am. I just need you to not be a cunt about it… and that shouldn’t be such a big request to make.
The problem is that people like to talk more than they like to listen. They all have an opinion, and it’s obviously the right one, no matter what we’re talking about or what the facts are.
When I tell people that I’m Mexican they always come back at me with, even if that’s true I’m too white to ever be a part of the Mexican community and to just resign myself to being white. When I try to explain to people that I don’t feel like I’m a woman, they have laughed in my face and told me that if I didn’t think I was trans by the end of high school, then I’m just upset that I’m fat and can’t wear things from Express (real conversation) and that there’s no such thing as being genderless. When I tell people I’m asexual the conversation becomes a debate about if my hormones are in balance and if I’ve seen a shrink about that because asexuality is against human nature. When I tell people I don’t want kids and that I’m not really into the normal romantic relationship, it’s always that I’ll find the right guy and my mind will change. When I tell people that Spam was a luxury in my house as a kid, they just tell me I’m gross without ever wondering why we couldn’t afford food. When I try to explain to people that my eating problems and relationship to food, and therefore my weight problems, come from the fact that as a very poor child, it was literally more cost effective for my mom to get us three Whoppers to split (back when they were like fifty cents a piece) instead of trying to save enough money to be able to buy food for healthy meals at the grocery store, because we were pretty much homeless when she was out of work, they just want to tell me about Beach Body workouts and how you get addicted to the gym.
NO ONE IS LISTENING AND EVERYONE HAS TO BE RIGHT.
No. You don’t have to be right.
Yes. You can keep your opinions to yourself.
Indifference. Why do you care? Unless it’s directly affecting you… shut up and ignore it.
And after some exposure to it, and the people involved, maybe you won’t even have a negative opinion anymore… but maybe not, and you just save yourself stress by not worrying about other motherfucking people.
Along with that, though… why do people INSIST on being accepted. Why does me literally not caring either way about your individual thing both you? I’m not excited about it, but I don’t hate it. You’re not my gay friend, you’re my friend. You’re not my trans man coworker, you’re just this guy I work with. You’re not the black guy in our group of friends, you’re just part of the group. You’re not the Muslim guy at my gym, you’re the gym that spots me on the bench.
Do I have an opinion on these things? Maybe. Am I vehemently excited about whatever subgroup you fall into? No. But I’m also not vehemently opposed. Your specific demographic doesn’t have any effect on our relationship to each other, most of the time. Exceptions being, if you’re hyper sexual we prolly can’t date because I am pretty non sexual, if your beliefs ban you from associating with me for some reason then I respect your beliefs and won’t bother you anymore, if your beliefs cause you to vehemently hate another group of people just because they are that group of people (unless it’s the KKK, NeoNazis, Meninism, those Feminists that ruin feminism with wanting to enslave men, or Westboro Baptists) we can’t be friends because my beliefs dictate that you can’t hate a group of people just because.
I really, truly feel that a little more apathy and indifference toward people in the world could bring the world a step higher and a little closer to . Should you care people are starving around the world? Yes. Should you have any opinion on who your neighbor likes to have sex with? Not unless it’s children or your spouse that you’re in a monogamous relationship with. Should you be outraged at human trafficking and actively try to stop it if you can? Yes. Should you be outraged that your daughter Felicia has come to you that she was born the wrong gender and he would now like to be known as James and be free to live as the gender identity he feels he is? No. Should you care that your neighbor is being beaten by their spouse, regardless of which gender is being physically abusive? Yes, and you should off the victim what help you can. Should you care that your other neighbors are a polyamorous household of adults of consenting age and state of mind? No. Should you care that an immigrant family moved into your neighborhood? No, but it would nice to go say hello to them. Should you care that your friend is of a completely different religion than you? No, but if for some reason your beliefs can’t be put aside enough to maintain a friendship you may want to consider parting amiably.
Acceptance is great if you can get it… but not being accepted is only a problem if someone hates you. Don’t push away indifference because it’s not the ideal response. It’s the silver, not the gold, but it’s not getting ejected from the games… People can come around.
I dunno where I was going with this.