Rambling Regrets

I complain a lot.
I’m never sure if that’s a side effect of me being a Millennial, or Bipolar, or something I picked up from growing up with a depressed mother who continues to just try as hard as she can.

I mean, Millennials are KNOWN for being complainers… That’s our thing as a generation, apparently (aside from so many of us feeling worthless, not knowing what to do with our lives, being generally cynical and despondent because we don’t have a great starting place in life, debating if college is worth the life-long debt, and having an existential crisis that results in debating suicide a lot… we’re known for all that, too). I feel like it comes from having nothing else to focus on. Other generations had wars… we have troops in combat, but we’re not “at war” in a traditional sense. No one is going to draft us. We wouldn’t stand for such a thing. We aren’t a generation that collectively likes America enough to die for it, much less get bullied into dying for it. The military is seen as a way to pay for college in my generation… so mostly we worry about the future… like social security… and the president… and the crippling debt of going to college… and the sad career implications of not going to college… and where we can find housing… and so we try to push that down… and end up choking on it.

Being Bipolar impacts so many things in my life that it’s hard to say whether or not I’m just being overly Bipolar, or if this is a normal reaction for someone without a mood disorder. I know it’s a normal reaction for someone WITH one…

Then there’s learned behavior. You don’t get out of childhood without your parents imprinting something on you that you should probably work through in therapy. For me, even after years of therapy, the main things that my mom unintentionally and regrettably imprinted on me are 1, life is inevitably shit, and 2, only the threat of death should stop you from work. My mom’s clinically depressed. She used to take meds. They didn’t really do anything to stop the crushing depression, so she, like I, just deals with it as best she can. She’s not usually the hopeless kind of depressed, but the monotonous kind of depressed. You get up, you go to work, and you do that until you die. We don’t take sick days, and we don’t expect things to get better when we’re stressed out or everything has gone to shit. Unlike her, though, I don’t live in constant fear of someone firing me… I know my value, which is something she also imprinted on me. I wish she knew hers.
She also imprinted good stuff on me totally by accident… like being okay being alone and not needing anyone. She doesn’t see that as a good thing, because she’s so used to family being a big thing in her life, but since my family sucks, it’s really an overwhelmingly good thing. She also constantly worries about who I’ll have when she dies… which is not a concern I have. I’ve settled with the fact I’ll probably be alone in life after that, and I’m okay with it… Be miserable together or be miserable alone… what’s the difference?

So, the job’s going fine, I guess… but it’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I don’t do that well with first days. It’s not a lifelong thing. My first day of school was fine. I remember bits and pieces of it… and it was fine. I was excited. I made friends. It was a good day.

My first day of middle school was weird. I hadn’t made friends at my elementary school, since I only spent one year there (I changed schools twice in elementary school), so it was big and terrifying and lonely. It was topped off with the fact that I was a latch-key kid. So I’d go home and lock myself up in my house. I eventually made some friends with some anime fangirls, and aside from the barrage of kids that rode my bus that seemed to want to cleave my head open with rocks, for whatever reason (true story), middle school was mostly fine.

The first day of high school I knew that I would need to find somewhere to fit in. My middle school friends found their place pretty easily, because they were okay with what they were socially. I envied them for that, cuz I definitely was not. They were welcomed with open arms to the table top gamer/anime weebs/thespian/general nerdy geek group. I didn’t want to be part of that group. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my friends, I did, but I didn’t want to be part of a group that was one step above 1980s stereotypical AV club kids. I’d been bullied enough, and I was over it, so I picked out a different group of people thatI thought would give me some implied respect, and just forcibly joined their ranks. (Literally, I just started silently sitting next to them and wearing lots of black until someone talked to me… took like three weeks.) I also kept my old friends, though… My high school experience was a lot less like the movies I grew up watching and was more like a whole school of kids being unsure of themselves as a group and trying to make up somewhere they fit in on the fly. We all had friends in every social group. I guess it was nice, really.

My first day of college was a wreck. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t really understand how the classes worked. I got lost. I tore all my false nails off. My hands hurt for days.

The first week of this job was hell. I dealt with lots of heater customers that I couldn’t help, which did not make them happier. I went home and cried a lot. I pulled a lot of overtime… and of course, I’m not getting paid hourly anymore, so it doesn’t matter… At the end of the week, in tears, I purchased No Man’s Sky. The idea was that it’s a game with no objective than to explore… so it would be good for relaxing. Thankfully, it worked. I love the game.

I spent a lot of the past two weeks feeling like I’m in over my head here. I probably am, but I’m realistically treading water pretty well, but it doesn’t feel that way. It definitely didn’t feel that way when my Finance guy decided to put in his 30 day notice. It wasn’t because of me, but a lot of things… and he’s sad that we won’t get to work together longer, but you do what you have to for yourself and your family. I get that.

Here’s the thing though… I’m being paid to learn finance. In exchange for that, my job is to cleanup the paperwork. Most of the problems come from the finance guy. He’s a power seller, but he’s not great at paperwork. The finance girl pulls in half as much gross, but has perfect paperwork. So, if finance guy leaves… why would they continue to pay me to learn finance? They could hire two seasoned finance people. They’re everywhere, and it’s a very money-oriented position with a lot of earning potential…

So… been freaking out about that, and trying to learn everything I can as fast as I can, but I can’t learn what they’ve been doing for decades in a matter of weeks… I definitely don’t understand leases…. but I think I can fake my way through paperwork for cash and finance deals… I don’t know that I can sell anything… which makes me less valuable…

Yesterday I was trying to get bill out done for the office, which is also in chaos. As a result, I was here for eleven hours yesterday. I didn’t eat. I went home and went straight to bed… I couldn’t do anything else. Still not hungry this morning, either… and I thought I would be… I don’t know what’s happening to me… I don’t know that I made a good decision asking for this promotion…

All I know is that I have to keep going on. If they fire me, I’ll deal with it then… just gotta keep keeping on, I guess… In true family fashion, you keep going, even if it sucks your soul out…

In lighter news, I named a planet YumYumYum Human Hand in the system of Spoopy Demon Toaster in No Man’s Sky… Here’s a link to why that’s funny.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Rambling Regrets

    • I don’t mean to skip sleep and food; they are my two favorite things besides puppy snuggles. It’s just been a hard couple weeks. It catches up to me, eventually.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s