This is how my morning started at 230am. I went to bed around midnight.
I’ve never been so mad at Serj Tanikan and Daron Malakian in my entire life…

As a result of not sleeping, I just finished reading Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded by Hannah Hart. Hannah Hart is one of my favorite YouTubers, and it’s not just because her show My Drunk Kitchen revolves around getting wasted and making snacks (although, that IS a terrific selling point). What I like about Hannah is actually that she actively tries to be a good person, spread a good message, and use her position to do something meaningful while still having a good time. She seems to care, and I find that really appealing in my late-night YouTube adventures that end with watching foxes on a trampoline.

Buffering is a great book. It’s just a conglomeration of stories from Hannah’s life. You get into her parents, and her family, and how she dealt (or rather, dodged) her sexuality. I found it a great insight into her life, especially her formative years.

The problem with that… is that I then started thinking about my own life.

More than once I’ve touched on school and how the social pressure changed me as a person. I’ve expressed to you a number of instances in which I felt personally betrayed or confused by motivations of people. I have a habit of dwelling on the past and meditating on things that have long since come and gone.

I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m sure I can keep myself from thinking about past events permanently, but I can try to stop dwelling on them.

Hannah’s book was fascinating because the Hannah I know is a well-adjusted young woman with a bright outlook on life and a smile for everyone. Without spoiling anything, her life has been hard; parts of it still are. If you told me just her background story, I would not expect Hannah Hart to have turned out the way she did. Her ability to take her life and turn it into something that brings so much joy to so many people is truly a gift. What I learned from reading that book and seeing that stark contrast is that your past will always contribute to who you are… but it doesn’t have to dictate what you do with the rest of your life to come.

I’m really bad about dwelling. I dwell and I rehash. I try to find how things could have been different, what I could have done different. I’m torn up with anxiety and self doubt about 90% of my social interactions going all the way back to 5th grade, and there’s no reason to be. It’s over and I can’t fix it, no matter how many times I go over it in my head.

I’m never going to make friends in 5th grade.
I’m never going to be less of a geek in middle school.
I’m never going to be more important to my high school and college friends.
I’m never going to be able to go back to high school and either actually go to class or take that academic probation with Regis University and see where I end up going to a GOOD college.

I can’t undo the poor life choices I made.
I can’t un-date the people I’ve allowed myself to be scarred by.
I can’t make my dad love me the way dads love their kids in 50s TV shows.
I can’t change the past.

All I can do is try to make today a day I won’t want to change.


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