Am I depressed because I’m tired, or tired because I’m depressed?
I feel like this is the kind of question that a normal person doesn’t have to seriously ask themselves, but it’s a question I’m currently faced with.
I am perpetually tired. I wake up tired, I force my way through the day, and then I go home and go to bed early. It’s shitty. I don’t want to go to the gym, because I’m tired. I don’t want to go out with friends, because I’m tired. I don’t want to go to work, because I’m tired. I don’t want to get out of bed, because I’m tired.
I’m fucking tired, or being FUCKING TIRED.
It’s hard to live when you’re perpetually tired. Getting out of bed is the hardest battle of my day. On the weekends, sometimes I don’t get out of bed at all. Yesterday I got up at one in the afternoon. I only managed that because the dogs and I were hungry. When I do manage to get up, I can’t focus well. Work is hell, because it’s just me trying to focus and then having to redo whatever I was doing because I forgot what I was doing to start with. After work, I haven’t been able to make it to the gym much. I’m fucking tired. I look forward to going home, eating dinner, and sleeping. Consequently, I’m not enjoying my hobbies, because all I want to do when I get home is sleep. Also, my social life is suffering. I don’t have the energy to go out. I don’t want to be out. I want to be at home asleep. So, I’m not seeing my friends, either.
No hobbies, no socializing, no energy to exercise…. It’s no wonder I feel depressed.
Still, am I depressed because I’m tired? Or am I tired because I’m quite deeply depressed?
If I’m depressed, I’ve been depressed since about June… and that’s a problem, too.
I’m cut off contact with the friends I used to have. I talk to all of three people regularly, now. I tell myself it’s because they weren’t great friends… and maybe that’s partially true. They weren’t, but who really is? I haven’t had a real best friend since that girl that stopped talking to me because her boyfriend (who she eventually married and started a family with) didn’t like me. I don’t have someone I feel like I can talk to about anything important.
People always tell you that you can tell them things… but have you actually had someone open up to you? It’s awful. You like them, sure, but you can’t HELP them. What do they really think you can offer them in the way of consolation or advice? I think about this when the thought crosses my mind to tell someone anything. And then I don’t tell anyone anything.
I did go to the doctor, though. Since I’ve been tired since JUNE I decided that warranted a doctor visit. She asked if I’d been sick, and as polite as I could I told her I’d been sick a couple of weeks ago, but not since June. She did a depression survey, and I took time to mention that I’m bipolar, and how I couldn’t be sure if I’m tired because I’m depressed or depressed because I’m tired. We also discussed how I don’t seem to be cycling (I thought about that later and realized I am cycling, just not to the extremes I’m really used to since I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME). In the end, she ordered me a Pulse Oximiter to wear while I sleep to see if maybe I have sleep apnea, and ran a whole lot of blood tests (about six vials worth) and last night I got the call back on it.
I was honestly hoping that there was something wrong with my thyroid or liver. You see, I get really angry when they run all these tests and there’s NOTHING to explain why I feel bad. If they can’t find anything wrong with me, they can’t fix it. It happens a lot, and not just to me. My mom is notorious for thinking she’s dying and the doc not being able to determine why. I don’t, for a second, believe that there’s nothing wrong with me… but according to the blood tests, there’s nothing to explain why I’ve been incapable of being a proper human being since June.
My blood tests revealed I have a viral infection. They didn’t specify what KIND of viral infection, so I don’t know if it’s residual from being sick after going to hang with Bren when Michael was sick (I was so sick after that… and I didn’t even touch the kid) or like an Epstein Barr Viral infection… but they want to see me in a month to see if the infection is gone… Also, my vitamin D levels are REALLY low. They like to see people with a score above 30, but according to the internet a score of 20-50 is considered fine. Mine is 10. So, they want me to take 10k units of vitamin D.
Here’s the thing about vitamin D. When my mom came up with a vitamin D deficiency, the doc told her to take 10k units of it a day. That caused an overdose and she became weak and her whole body hurt. So when you’re deficient, it can cause brittle bones and MIGHT cause fatigue. When you OD you are subjected to pain and weakness. Vitamin D is scary.
So instead of following orders, I’ll be taking 5k units a day… assuming I can remember to take it. They also want to see me in a month to see if the viral infection is gone. So… I’m not real confident that I’m going to feel better any time soon.
I’m going to see if I can WILL myself to feel better.
Make myself go to the gym.
Make myself get back into illustration.
Make myself be social… maybe…
I feel exhausted and sad just thinking about it…