I say that I hate Christmas… but I don’t really.
In fact… I love Christmas…
I love Christmas carols. I love Christmas trees. I love how pretty presents look, even just wrapped in brown paper and twine. I love pomander balls and garland made of popcorn. I love the idea of a white Christmas. I love Santa. I love Nativity scenes. I love old Christmas movies. I love holly and mistletoe and ugly sweaters and the excuse to eat all kinds of ridiculously caloric foods. I love watching people open presents and that people go home and see their families. I love that people come together over food and that if you have nowhere to go for Christmas there are people who will open their home to you and treat you like family. I love Christmas miracles and the idea of kissing in falling snow on Christmas Eve.
I say that I hate Christmas, not because it’s true, but because of what Christmas represents as part of my life.
I don’t really have family anymore. I have my mom and some people I send some cards to. I don’t really have friends, so I don’t have friend Christmases to attend. I don’t have religion anymore, so the stories aren’t as meaningful as they once were. I’m tired every year. Mom is tired every year. As a result, and me not having kids, we don’t do much for Christmas. We barely plan food.
The problem with Christmas is me.
I want it to mean so much more, like it used to, but I’m so jaded now… and so disillusioned. I just don’t know how I’d turn that view point around without some major life change.
Maybe if I found a good life partner and we celebrated together.
Maybe if I had a kid Mom and I would pull it together to make that kid’s Christmases magical, like people do when kids are involved.
But in happier Christmas news, I found out my sister is either very pregnant or has had a little boy. It’s an important development, as her last son was born December 20th, and he passed away before he even made it to a year. The doctors say it was SIDS. I don’t really know for sure.
I don’t talk to my sisters, either of them, but I watch them as best as I can via social media. I don’t know that our lives would be better together, but as it is we are very much estranged. Still, I’m going to send her a card and some kind of gift card. It’s nice that she’s at a place where she’s kind of moved on. Moon’s death (she named her first son Moon… which I was against, but whatever) was really hard for my sister. It was hard for the whole family. She never got the right after care for it and she spent a lot of time at his grave… maybe she still does, but I’m hoping that with the birth of a new child she might spend more time with the living.