#Depression : How my life is currently blah

Hey guys, girls, and non-binary pals!
(Yes, I stole that from Thomas Sanders… but I don’t think he’d sue me for it, seeing as it’s the catchiest way to properly greet everyone.)

So it’s been a while…I’m trying to post this via email, so we’ll see how the formatting comes out.

I had to correct the last entry a little. I thought my step sister named her kid Anakin. My HALF sister named her son Anakin. My step sister named HER son Avi. Ani and Avi… Just like… Okay, family… Whatever. Fortunately, I’m estranged, so like… this is just information I get to have, as opposed to a piece of my actual life.

Let’s see. Updates in my life?

LIFE UPDATE A, I’m going to Oregon.
I finally booked a ticket to go visit my bestie in Oregon come May. She’s excited. I’m excited. We’re gonna play Injustice 2 with her husband, and see Singing in the Rain at this cool theater, AND she’s thinking of getting a beach house for a couple days so we can hit the beach. I am super stoked. I could really the use the vacation, but also I really miss her. I find myself in a lot of situations where I’m like, “I wish Billie was here to hang out with me.” So like, getting to see her and stuff is super exciting and I’m super happy about it.

LIFE UPDATE 2, I am horrifically depressed.
I’ve been depressed for a while. This isn’t new, other than I was originally thinking that I was depressed because I was tired, but I’m pretty much sure that I’m tired because I’m depressed. It’s been a bad couple of months. I’ve been sad. I cry for no reason. I recently discovered that if I listen to music that makes me happy I cry… so that’s a weird thing. Pretty much, at this point, I am just constantly pushing down the urge to cry at all times. Also, sometimes I want to cry, and nothing happens. It’s crazy.

So, being a rational human being (hahahahahaha…. right), I finally reached a place where I decided that I should see a doctor.

SKIP ALL OF THIS IS YOU DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT HOW FUCKED KAISER INSURANCE IS.

So, I called my local Kaiser Behavioral Center and asked for an appointment concerning severe depression. “Yeah…. we’re not gonna do that… we’re gonna schedule a psychiatric nurse to call you in a week, and if you can convince HER that you’re sad, we can schedule an appointment with a shrink for you in… like 2 months.”

Obviously, they said it more professionally than that, but that’s still what they said. They scheduled for a nurse to call and interrogate me, and then IF I seemed like I actually needed to see someone, they were scheduled about 2 months out… to which I just thought… Yeah, cuz it’s not like people kill themselves when they’re depressed or anything.

I am not suicidal, btw… not right now, anyways.

Anyways, so the day before this nurse is supposed to call me, I get a call and this chick is like, “So I was looking at your chart, and honestly, because of how far out the appointments are, maybe you should go through your primary… but I see you don’t have a Kaiser primary caregiver?” And yeah, I don’t. The facility close to my house, and pretty much EVERY OTHER KAISER FACILITY has no doctors accepting new patients. As a result, I’ve just been avoiding having to see the doctor. So this chick is trying to tell me that this other facility has some open spots and I’m trying to explain to her that the other facility is really out of my way… It boiled down to cancelling the phone call, because it wasn’t going to do me any good anyway…

In related news, my mother is on Kaiser, too, because we share an employer. She has a very bad cough, and can’t breathe. I accidentally gave her my upper respiratory infection. So, she called the appointment line at Kaiser and asked to see ANYONE at the facility by the house that could advise her. They really just wanted her to go to the ER. Uhm, no. Kaiser only uses certain hospitals, A, and 2, it’s $500 to go to the ER. She wanted a script for the cough. So after fighting tooth and nail for her right to be able to SEE A HUMAN BEING, she finally got in with someone. They couldn’t give her much for it, apparently, but they gave her an inhaler and some pills to suppress cough. Fuck man. Kaiser super doesn’t want you to actually see their doctors. They will do ANYTHING to deter you from actually seeing a doctor. Literally, they wanted to know why she didn’t have a primary that she could just email about it. I dunno about you, but in the event I actually get to the point where I want to see a doctor, I don’t want to email them about it. WHAT IF IT’S PNEUMONIA?! They can’t accurate diagnose you via email for shit like that… It’s just… ugh… so annoying.

I AM NOW DONE RANTING ABOUT KAISER

So, I called my doctor. On my insurance, I can see an out-of-network doctor 10 times. I have to submit a claim and stuff, but it’s an option, and I was so fucking fed up with the run around from Kaiser, that I made an appointment with my doctor. HERE IS THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO: I told the girl making the appointment that I wanted to see my doc about depression. My doc is booked up until the second week of April. She repeatedly tried to get me to see a nurse practitioner or another doctor this week. She was very insistent, because I was making an appointment for DEPRESSION.
I appreciated it, but if I’m going to pay to see my doctor, I want to see MY doctor, ya know? So, I see her the 2nd week of April, and I’m sure my depression will hold until then. Why not? It’s held this long.

I’m still not like… good. I’m better, knowing that I can see my doc in a couple weeks, but like… pretty much anything makes me want to cry right now. It’s crap ass as fuck.

LIFE UPDATE D, I went on the worst date I’ve ever been on.
So, I was seeing the Robot Boy for a while, but I have since just stopped talking to him all together… and I will tell you why.

He was supposed to come to a game night my friend was having, because we all wanted to play a D&D type game. Cool. We are nerds. The night before was his actual D&D night with his own nerds. That got cancelled, and he seemed real bummed about it. I wasn’t doing anything, so I asked if he wanted to do a thing. This was my mistake. I should staid on script. We had plans for the next night. We didn’t need to see each other.

Anyways, he invited me over, told me to bring some movies, and said he’d order pizza. Cool. Great. I am not high maintenance. Movies and pizza are great. The drive to his place was ridiculous, though.

I don’t like to go far to see people. It’s a thing. If you’re more than like 20 minutes away, you’re kinda far… especially in winter. It was a nice evening, though, so I made the trip. It’s 45 minutes if you have good traffic and about an hour in normal traffic. I find that REALLY far, but I was trying REALLY hard to socialize and get to know a person.

On top of all that, I had to look like a people for this person I’m dating, so I put effort into my clothes, and I had to find some movies I thought he’d like. That’s hard. I own mostly horror movies. Lots of people don’t find watching a film crew get horribly murdered and eaten by a tribe in South America to be a good time. So I dug around in the basement and pulled some good ones.

So I load up, I make the drive, and when I get there…

Okay, I’m not high maintenance. I don’t need fancy. I don’t even need to go out once I’m relatively sure that you’re either not a serial killer, or at least not going to kill me. I don’t need to be wined and dined. I don’t need name brand. I don’t need gifts. I’m just looking for someone that I enjoy hanging out with. I need you to understand this before I tell you about the date. I don’t think I’m being high maintenance here. Yes, we’d been talking since last June, but in actual dates, we were on date five, maybe. If it’s the 5th time you’re seeing someone in person, this is not how I recommend acting.

So I show up, and he’s wearing sweatpants and a ratty shirt. Not impressed, especially after I legit put on makeup, since it’s the fifth time we’ve seen each other in person. I rationalize it, though, because I’m not a high maintenance gal. I get it. He’s at home. He’s comfortable. Fine. Clothes don’t make the man. We ate some pizza and I let it go.

So, I ask what movie he wants to watch, and he decides he doesn’t want to watch a movie. He just wants to watch Bojack Horseman. I’m kind of miffed,since I went to a lot of effort to try and find movies, but I’m adaptable. I haven’t watched Bojack, but I hear good things. He’s in the middle of Season 2, though, and no, we are not starting over. So I watch it. I dunno what’s going on, but whatever. I try to ask a couple questions, like why Todd lives with Bojack, since I don’t know what’s going on, and he gets kinda irritated about it, saying he didn’t put that much thought into cartoons… so I just sit there. Meanwhile, he really wants to do that touchy-feely-cuddle shit, and I’m just not about it. I’m not a cuddler on a normal day, but I’m super not one when I’m irritated with people. I’m trying to be cordial about it, but I’m irritated. This whole night seems to be a vague, uninspired attempt at Netflix and Chill. If you’re gonna Netflix and Chill me, put some fucking effort into it.

I guess at some point he noticed I was irritated… or maybe not. He went to his room, got a blanket and a pillow, and burrito’d up on the couch. And I’m just like, “Why am I even here?” And that was my queue to leave. He didn’t seem to mind… and I’m like… well fuck… what a ruined Friday night I could’ve devoted to anything else.

Here’s why I’m mad: If he didn’t want to do anything, we didn’t need to do anything. I didn’t need to drive that far. I was not lonely. I was planning on seeing him the next day anyways. I was totally happy staying at home playing video games. HE invited ME over.

Anyways, I cancelled him coming to game night, by blatantly lying (I said that Bren’s kid was Exorcists vomiting so it was cancelled). I just… wasn’t having it. Bren, and other people I’ve told about the night, agree that it was strange. So, I still don’t think it’s me.

But yeah. That was god-awful. And it sure as shit didn’t help my depression.

In unrelated to me news, David 2 is seeing someone. We went out with a girl I know and her gay friend, and the gay friends hooked up. That’s nice, I guess. I try not to be envious about it, but…

I manage to get him to go out to a bar one time, and he ends up dating someone. I couldn’t pull that off if my life depended on it. I’m fucking lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him. I am. I hope it works out and that they end up being boyfriends, fiances, and live happily ever after with a fantastic wedding, but I’m still envious.

Maybe I’m just envious because of the depression. That’s a totally valid kinda thing. Maybe if I can wrap my arms around this depression thing and haul myself out of this dark place I’ll be less… resentful. I dunno. We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… I’m out for now.

Hope this formats right.

TTYL Silent Audience.

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