Party Girl Social Slut

I miss when I was a huge slut.

That sounds weird, I know, but I really do.

It’s not that I miss having a lot of promiscuous sex with people, not that there’s anything wrong with that so long as you’re safe about it (BANG WHOEVER YOU WANT! JUST USE A SCUM BAG {condom}), but I miss who that girl was. Slutty me was a completely different person than I am now. She was outgoing, adventurous, and prone to making poor life choices that should have, but rarely, resulted in bad consequences. It’s really strange for me to think about how different I was, just a few years ago.

I admit that I don’t remember my early 20s very well. I spent a lot of it blackout drunk. I wasn’t away at college, like a lot of people are when they talk about drinking excessively in their early 20s, I was just blackout drunk here in Denver and I’d either find a way home or wake up in weird places. I had a habit of waking up inside the Tabor Center. This was especially strange when I hadn’t started drinking anywhere CLOSE to downtown Denver, much less 16th St Mall. Surprisingly, I never woke up at a person’s house after binge drinking, though. I’d get wasted, and bang someone, but apparently I was never a “stay the night” kinda girl. Maybe I was subconsciously avoiding the walk of shame? More often than not, I think it’s that I didn’t want to set a premise… Staying the night might mean I like you. I don’t. I’m outtie, bruh.

By the way, I WAS in college, but I went to a local art college (#achiever). I remember so many mornings where I’d been out binge drinking the night before, and in the middle of my morning class I’d go to the bathroom and throw up black stuff that looked like coffee grounds and tasted like burnt bile. I, of course, googled this and found out that it was blood, and that I was very close to alcohol poisoning… and for whatever reason, young, stupid me thought that was so interesting. Not scary, because it meant I could have died, but just interesting.

I was a such an outgoing person, then. I was down for any adventure, with anyone, for whatever purpose. I talked to people: anyone. I loved being out and socializing, and drinking a lot, and generally having a good time. I wanted to be a wild child, I guess, even if it wasn’t always a good time. There were a lot of times that weren’t good.

There was the guy that was obsessed with bikes who wanted me to act like a cat after constructing me a cat collar from bike parts… That was unpleasant.
There were the MYRIAD of guys that really wanted to choke me into unconsciousness and generally sought to do me bodily harm.

There was the boyfriend that was married, and a severe alcoholic, who just berated me for NOT being white trash like he was. God forbid I didn’t choose meth over nice teeth and had managed to secure a desk job from an early age.

There were multiple stalkers who wouldn’t leave me alone after a one night stand.

There was the miscarriage.

There were downsides…

Still, I like who I was. I didn’t like myself then, but I don’t like myself now, so that’s nothing new. I just feel like that version of me had more potential and lived life more fully. I was never the wild child that my mother was. I didn’t do drug. I didn’t even leave my hometown. Still, I had a lot of fun collecting minions and partying.

I was recently reminded that I COULD go back to that life. I could do anything. You’re never too old to go back… but I’m not that person anymore. I still like being drunk, but it’s different. I babble, but I’m not necessarily social. I like being out, but I always want to go home at the end of the night. I don’t mind talking to people, but I wouldn’t go home with anyone. Also, I could never have sex in a car again… I’ve come too far to fold the seats down and hope I don’t get caught.

So how do you go back to being LIKE a party girl without being a party girl?

I don’t know.

I’m currently just trying to figure out how to meet some new people.

When all my friends kind of aged out of partying, I started going out alone. I’d go to concerts, car shows, whatever, by myself and try to meet people. It was a mixed bag of success. I met David 2, and I had a lot of fun going to concerts. I’d see a lot of the same people all the time, but we weren’t really friends. I’d also still drink a lot… which is why I never had booze at home (fear of becoming my dad). I also lamented that I was doing so much alone, though. Seeing someone over and over doesn’t mean that you’re friends with them, and I knew that, since I would usually go home alone, and not even have anyone to talk about the night with the next day.

I feel like so much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of friends and relationships. I’ve talked about how I spent a lot of time alone as a kid… and how changing schools was hard for me… and how I spent so much time trying to be just like the people I was attempting to befriend that I often lost myself in the minefield of other people’s interests.

As an adult, I don’t mind new hobbies. I have so many hobbies from collecting them over the years. Still, some things are just mine, things not stolen from people I was trying to be just like. I love SciFi, for instance, and horror for another. I like to draw, even though it’s been hard for me to do, and I hope to get back to a place where I can draw and I’d like to write a scifi horror comic.

In pursuit of people I could share this with, I’ve re-signed up for MeetUp. It’s a neat little site that essentially just tells you where people are and what their theme is. People who like beer are here on this day. People who knit are here on this day. People who like horror movies are here. And you go, and hopefully you meet some people that like things you like.

I’m putting off my first MeetUp… It’s April 10th… And I say that I’m waiting till April because I’ll be really busy till then, but in reality I’m scared that it will end up like time. I was on MeetUp a few years ago, and… it was awful. Mid-20s Sam went to a lot of MeetUps for all kinds of things.
I did trivia nights at bars, but no one actually talked to me… I was just like an extra in a movie. I really thought I’d shine there because I’m so filled with worthless facts that show up in trivia games, but I usually just ended up drunk and sad.
I tried an Introvert Group, because my social anxiety was getting worse… and they were uninterested in socializing with me. I’m not sure why.

I went to a professional MeetUp and didn’t realize everyone there was supposed to be over 50. If you were ever bullied as a kid, and for some reason you are nostalgic for it, be a young 20-something at an over 50 event. Those people were so fucking mean, and I literally left the event in tears, on the phone with the mothership, just crying and wondering why they were so mean about it. I was professional. I was happy to talk to them, and they just… ripped me to pieces.

I tried an Asexual group, and it turned out to just be one really nice trans woman in a wheelchair. I liked her, but I was hoping to meet MORE people than one other person.

I almost went to a Magic: The Gathering group, because I knew how to play and everything, but after these and other failed MeetUps, and increasing anxiety, I sat outside the place they were meeting for about 30 minutes and drove myself home…

I went to a car show, which was NOT a MeetUp group, and I just ended up running into this guy I only know as Tastee Freeze or Koolaid, because I picked him up in a bar when I was 18 and illegally drinking. I faked that I had a boyfriend there, because my married, alcoholic ex was wandering around with his kids somewhere and I hoped I could pretend we were still a thing to make Tastee Freeze back the fuck off… but I never saw the ex, nor did I talk to anyone else the whole day.

I’m just scared of it all going bad again.

Still, I’m a different person now…

Maybe people will like me better.

Maybe I’ll know what to say or not to say.

I dunno…

But I do want to try and channel SOME of that slut I used to be…

But just the good parts.

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