I’m having a hard day…
That’s not a new thing, it’s just how my day is panning out.
I woke up in a pool of sweat.
I almost threw up several times this morning.
I actually threw up twice this morning.
I want to dig a hole, curl up in it, cover myself with a large rock, and die.
That’s where I’m at today.
I am so fucking tired of feeling this way.
I’m glad that I have an appointment with my doc coming up, but I swear to god that I would kill a drifter to be able to see someone right now. I’m just over this feeling. I’m over being sad, and tired, and overthinking random people’s comments, and just constantly having a little voice in the back of my head that goes, “Wouldn’t it be easier if you were dead?” Because yes. It would be so much easier on me to just be dead.
Don’t hear me wrong. I don’t want to die. I am not suicidal. I’m often finding myself talking myself out of some kind of self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I just… am not doing well with existing at this exact moment. Also, I feel like it’s getting progressively worse. It’s not like it’s suddenly more frequent, because everyday is already super frequent, it’s just more consuming.
Metaphorically, my depression is like getting stray ink on you from a pen. It started as, oh shit, I have ink on my hand, and has now become something like, oh my god, my pen exploded and ruined my white clothing.
I don’t really have more to say, unfortunately, so I hope you enjoy my short, but depressing post.