Today I start a lactose and gluten free life. I’m not excited.

A, I’ve known I was lactose intolerant since I was a kid, but I chose to torture myself because cheese and ice cream are delicious.

2, No I haven’t 100% confirmed I’m gluten intolerant with a doctor… BUT a few years ago I was trying to actively pursue WHY I am violently ill every single time I eat. They did a blood test for Celiac, and it was inconclusive. She was pretty sure that was the issue, though, and wanted me to get an intestinal biopsy to confirm. That sounded terrifying and painful, so I never did it. Now I’m on Kaiser, so going to the doctor is pretty much pointless, so I’m just grasping at the straws of incomplete data.

D, If this doesn’t work, I can always go back to eating gluten.

I’m not excited. As it is, I already miss cheeseburgers… and I don’t even eat cheeseburgers that often. I’m just not into the idea of not eating things I like for the rest of my life. It feels unfair. It feels incredibly unfair, and it makes me depressed and angry. Still, I’m at a point where I’m just tired of being sick every single fucking time I eat.

In 28 years and 10 months, I feel like I’ve spent more time in the bathroom than anywhere else. It ruins eating out with friends. It wakes me up from sleep. It’s something I have to plan for before any meal so I can be sure there’s a bathroom I can get to. Cutting out gluten and lactose really just means that I won’t ever eat out again… but maybe when I eat something I won’t have to worry about where the nearest bathroom is.

I don’t know that this will work. I’ve been known to get sick from eating just vegetables, and vegetables don’t have gluten or lactose… essentially my gastrointestinal tract just fucking hates me. I have to try something, though. I’m tired of the pain and the embarrassment and feeling shitty every time I eat.

If this doesn’t work… I’ll go back to gluten and cut out corn… I’ll cut out everything if it means an end to the bullshit… I’m unhappy about it, but I’m also unhappy being sick all the time. So… fuck it.