Mania & Sobriety

I don’t know why, but MY DEPRESSION HAS FINALLY LIFTED! I’m sure it’ll be back, of course, but it’s been such a wonderful week since I last felt sad. I’ve been mad, happy, content, even giddy! It’s emotions I forgot existed. It’s a brightness in my life that I had forgotten how to feel. It’s been really nice.

With my new mood are lifestyle changes. I’m reading more (currently got three books going), I’ve developed a weird affinity for Electronica for some reason, I’ve been trying to draw again, and for the first time in months I’m sober. Not to say that I was going home and getting totally wrecked alone, because that’s inaccurate. I did develop some bad daily habits to drag myself out of the deepest depths of the blue, though. I am not a fan of anything I use to improve my mood on the daily, whether it be drinking, smoking, binging, or some new self-destructive habit I can come up with. I’d been trying NOT to do those things and trying NOT to immediately go to bed when I went home, and one day last week I was just… not sad anymore.

I was just angry for days. It’s not really unusual, because most of the time my mania is extremely narcissistic rage, but I noticed that I was rapid cycling, and then the rage just stuck around for a couple of days. Being angry sounds awful, but it was really a welcome relief from the blue. Red is, at least, a different kind of oppressive. Plus I got that nice top-of-the-world feeling! Because why just be mad when you can have self-righteous indignation? Eventually the rage would lift and I’d be in the white for a while, and after a bit the white just staid.

Mania, even hypo-mania, comes with its own problems. I’ve been binging. It’s happy binge eating, at least, and I’m enjoying all the Chipotle I cram into my face, but it’s not any healthier than depressed binging aside from knowing that I’m not going to try and purge it later. I’m sure I’ve gained weight from it. I’ve been trying not to spend money since I bought my brightly colored dresses, but I took a bunch of books and video games to 2nd & Charles to sell, and ended up going home with twice as much as I got for them in books (horror anthologies for Halloween). I have virtually NO attention span, so watching TV is out. In general, I feel better, but I’m not really LIVING better. Lol. Although, it’s nice not to sleep 12 hours a day and spend the rest at work.

I dunno what triggered the change, but I’m grateful for it. I also hope the inevitable crash isn’t really bad… and that I get some time in the white before nose-diving deep into the blue again.

This afternoon, work has put me into the red, but just a little… in the pink maybe… I’m mad, but it’s with reason, and I’m not raging… just irritated mostly.

Still… it’s nice to be sober… and it’s nice to not be sad. ^_^

Now if I can just wrangle in the manic habits, I could maybe be a really real human being for a while. Lol.

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