I Need To Make Myself Busy

I successfully did nothing with my weekend… which is sometimes good, but this time felt like depression. That scares me, because I JUST pulled myself out of my depression. It’s far too early to go back; I don’t know that I’d survive going back this soon.

I’m hoping maybe it’s just because the weather is whack. In Colorado, you see, September weather can be in the 90s (record high 100* in 1990), or the teens (record low 14* in 1985). As a result, the days can be really weird. We’ve been starting mornings in the low 50s and then by 3pm they’re in the mid 70s. That’s a big temp jump. Not only does it make trying to dress for the day totally ridiculous, but it confuses nature. Plants try to bloom and die in the same day. My dogs are cold at night, but also trying to blow their coats during the day. I feel like it super effects my allergies, as well, since everything bounces between life and death. I have fall allergies anyways… Allergic to death.

Because the weather has been weird and the sun comes up later it’s just nice to stay in bed, or at least that’s what I tell myself. In reality, laying in bed hurts my back, my neck, and generally my being. Sitting in my chair in the living room also hurts my being. I need a new chair, but more than that I need to move around and be active and do things. I’m not doing myself any favors, and it’s not like my time spent in bed is ACTUALLY spent reading… I just sleep a lot.

This weekend, I need to make a to-do list and actually do it. I have work in the backyard to do, even though I hate the backyard. I have work in the house to do, even though I hate chores. There’s PLENTY to do. Also, I need to socialize with SOMEONE.

If I’m honest, that last bit is the hardest. I’d LIKE to socialize, but I don’t actually want to socialize with anyone I know. They all make me tired.

To start, I’m still kind of mad at D2. I think I already touched on this, but in a quick rehash, here’s why. I’ve been depressed for… ever. This time last year my depression brought me D2, and we started watching AHS together on Friday nights. It was good for me, because I got out of the house and did some minimal socializing. This went on for months, and it was nice to have a friend, but then my depression got worse and I started making up reasons I couldn’t come over. We were out of things to watch anyways. So I pulled away, holed up in my house, and generally spent a lot of time thinking about why I couldn’t kill myself, even though everything was worthless and life meant nothing. It was a dark time for me. D2 didn’t seem to notice. BUT his friend from work goes on a bad trip, decides she’s in love with her best friend, he doesn’t reciprocate, and she spirals out and he literally goes to her house to check on her after like a week of unusual behavior. Just a week… I’m glad she’s okay, don’t get me wrong… but where was he when I was sad? He was the only person I saw or spoke to for months, but he doesn’t notice when I withdraw and hole up? Is it because mine was more gradual? Is it because he didn’t care? I don’t know, but I resent it. When I needed a friend, I had no one. That’s a hard place to be.

Bird has been depressed. I love Bird, but she’s one of those people who won’t be her own advocate and get some help. I tried being there for her for a long, long time, but honestly she just drug me down. It’s unfortunate that I’m not stable enough to be the solid ground she needs, but that’s reality. I have a hard enough time keeping myself afloat and I have actively sought help. I can’t be responsible for other people. It’s better to be selfish than to self-destruct for someone else.

And… that’s the end of people I active socialize with… ever.

I could use some new friends… but I’m not good at meeting people, as we well know.

Recently I’ve wanted to get into RPGs, like D&D or Pathfinder. I always shied away from groups of nerds that play because they were previously kind of mean to me, since I don’t know how to play. I’m turning 29 this year, though… and I think I’m bitter enough to tell them to eat shit if they give me a hard time. I’ve been thinking of trying to find an RPG group on MeetUp, but I haven’t gotten my ass in gear and done it yet.

Also on the list of things I have talked about but haven’t done include looking into the new gym by my house and seeing how much individual classes at the community college are so I can put in some Gen Ed credits while I decide what I might wanna go back to college for. I’ve considered accounting, because being a CPA could be helpful, but I hate accounting. I’ve considered business management, but I don’t really know what that means. I just know I want a BA. I think that would really be useful to me. But in what?

Lastly on what I’m gonna rant about today is that I finally thought of an art project to work on. I’ve been out of my slump for like a month, but I haven’t felt creative. Now, I have an idea… but I’m at work… this full time job thing really gets in the way of being an artsy, free-spirited hippie person. But at least I have the idea. It’s a comic book I was once working on… and I think I have a better concept of it now. I think I’ll try to start character work when I get home tonight.

Anyways.

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