I’m not okay, but it’s not like it matters

Things are… hard… right now.

Mom still has pneumonia (since March) and she isn’t getting better, but insists on going to work anyways. My title gal is out on emergency surgery, so I’m covering for her, which means double duty at work, and doing a job that stresses me out anyways (titles means talking to a lot of people, and we know I hate having to talk to people). I’m sick with… something that makes my chest heavy and causes extreme fatigue. My moods are all over the place, we’re coming up on month end, I’ve made NO progress at getting my house ready to sell so I can focus on moving, and I’m losing summer….

Everything is awful and hard, and I can’t stick to my diet, and all I want to do is sleep, and my friend that SHOULD understand what I’m going through right now is too busy being selfish and wrapped up in his own life and it’s tiny social bullshit to actually listen to me. Meanwhile I have a friend that keep telling me I’d feel better if I worked out, which makes me wanna punch him in his stupid face, because if I had the energy to work out I fucking would. My other friend is really sweet but not really someone I’d ever want to talk about this shit with.

I just… Want to shut down.

I’m so tired, and I’m overwhelmed, and I’m sick….

My boss asked if I wanted to stay home today, but I can’t do that because month end is coming, and I need to be far enough ahead on titles to be able to stop doing titles for month end…. and I’m not there.

Today she was like, are you okay?

And the answer is no… but it doesn’t matter if I’m okay. The world doesn’t really care. I have shit to do and responsibilities. No one REALLY cares if you’re okay except your mother (if you’re lucky). Everyone else just wants to be sure you’re able to work, otherwise you can be replaced.

I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.

Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

OREGON IS SO GREEN

 

I spent the last week in Oregon!!!  And oh my gawd, it is SO GREEN!!!

Snapchat-198430322.jpgMonday morning I flew out to Portland to spend a week with my best friend Billie. She moved there about a year and a half ago, and I finally had money to visit. PDX was confusing… they have a lack of proper signage, but it’s still a pretty nice airport.

Since Billie lives about an hour south, in Salem, we spent the afternoon in downtown Portland. It was weird, because downtown Portland looks a lot like Downtown Denver… just smaller. We had lunch at a food truck (yay Gyros!) and then grabbed some Fraps at Starbucks before heading out to Salem.

When we got back to her place, her hubby was waiting for Injustice 2 to activate! They got it specifically because I was coming out. That was super nice. Billie made gumbo and we lost incredibly to her super skilled husband.

Snapchat-1847588434.jpgTuesday, we went into downtown Salem. It’s not much of a downtown, to be honest. It’s six blocks and most of it is mall, but we ate at Coin Jam and played House of the Dead! It’s like a less busy 1UP. I really liked it. After that, we went to Book Bin where I picked up a book on Einstein disproving the existence of Vulcan (cuz I’m a goddamn nerd) and a Twin Peaks novel for mom and I. It was great. I love me a good book store.

Wednesday we had lunch at a small brewery called McMenamins. It was cute. I taught Billie how to sample flights of beer. Then we strolled around downtown Salem and she showed me a store that flaunts a spooky ass haunted doll, amongst other weird antique kinda things.

snapchat-1618068878.jpg After that, we went to Starbucks, so I could pee, and I looked at the menu and ordered a “Hand-Shaken Iced Tea.” The clerk just looked at me and was like, “what… flavor?” So I glanced at the board, and they had black, green, white, and I think red tea. I assumed that was my bad and asked for black, cuz I love me some black tea. He was like, “That is the vaguest order I’ve ever heard.” So… attempting to remain calm, cuz I still really needed to use the bathroom, I was like, “Okay, but it’s on the menu above your head?” And he literally turned around, stared at the menu and was like, “oh my god it is… no one has ever ordered that…”

So, I confused the barista by ordering a basic iced tea… so that was a weird adventure I’ll never forget…

Thursday was my FAVORITE DAY.

20170518_142405_061.jpgBillie drove me to Newport. Now, you have to understand that Newport is NOT close to Salem. Also, she intentionally took some back roads to make it really fucking scenic. So, we were in a car for two hours. I played DJ, because I had music saved to my phone and she didn’t. Fortunately, the thing Billie and I like about each other the most is that we are VERY malleable in the preference department. So, she had fun listening to all my weird synth electronica and metal covers of 80s songs.

We drove through Dallas, OR, which was surprisingly cute. It has farms, and then just some random suburban looking homes. It also has a small business area with like, little local businesses, grocery store, and I think they had a Walmart. I couldn’t help but think how much it looked like a small southern town, and how much mom would love it.

Mom really misses seeing nothing. As Denver, and Colorado in general, grows, we tend to lose the nothing. It’s like the opposite of The Neverending Story.

She picked Newport because 20170518_114716_055.jpgthey have an aquarium, and that aquarium has a Giant Red Octopus, and I love octopuses… Especially giant red ones that are located in small coastal towns.

So we wandered around the aquarium. They had this ridiculous eel that was totally a ham for the camera. He was enormous! And I totally wanted to pet him… but they don’t let you do that.

We also played with the petting pool… and I felt bad about that, because of that scene in Finding Dory where they all scream and hide, but it was just sea cucumbers, sea anemones, and starfish. Sorry. Sea stars… the lady in charge made it REALLY clear that they are not at all fish and that we are in charge of being sure the younger generations do no refer to them improperly.

20170518_105446.jpgWe got hugged by the anemones. We pet the sea cucumbers. We pet coral sea stars, leather sea stars, and… something else that felt more like leather than the leather stars. The leather stars felt slimy and gross…

After the aquarium we had lunch at a little brewery that was right on the coast. Like, it’s so much on the coast that there were fishermen in rubber coveralls having lunch there, and cleaning fish out back. Oddly, they did not serve seafood. I guess when you live on the coast it’s nice to have pulled pork and burgers, since you deal with fish every single day. We both got flights of beer, and chatted, and it was really nice. We thought of doing a tour, but didn’t. Instead, we hit the beach.20170518_141510.jpg

Here is a picture of me running toward the beach… I was REAL excited. It was a nice overcast day, and the whole week was in the 50s and 60s, but I was still hecka excited to be at a beach and smell salt water, and see dogs running in the surf!

We went to Nye Beach, and it was hella fucking cute! It reminds me of home, back in Pensacola, but with less weird hick locals… Billie insists Oregon has hicks, but I didn’t see any. The houses were adorable, everything was hecka green right up to the cliffs, and the sound of the waves was everything.

20170518_142405_061.jpgI’ve never been to a Northwestern Beach before, and it was interesting, because I’m used to dunes. Pensacola has a protected dune habitat that I grew up walking. It’s squishy and makes your legs tired, but is great for that classic beach aesthetic. Northwestern Beaches are dramatically different. For one, there’s the cliffs. Ain’t got cliffs in Pensacola. Also, the sand is hard, hard as concrete under your feet. It was weird! But the beach was nice. We checked out some tide pools and sat on a log to watch the waves for a while. It was a great way to end the day and prep for the long drive back. We decided to head back to the apartment a little early so we could rest up before going to a movie.

That evening she and her hubster took me to Cinebar, which was really nice for little Salem. It’s just a movie theater that serves really real food items… we didn’t eat there, though. We saw Alien Covenant! And it was great. I mean, it’s not the first or second movies, but it was a great sequel to Prometheus, if you ask me… and this is my blog, so you kinda did… 20170518_181346.jpg

There were some other storylines that went on while I was visiting. A, I managed to art! Billie let me use her colored pencils, and for the first time in months I managed to produce some good pieces. They’re just little illustrations, but they’re good, and making them made me feel good. Here is one of them. I really like the expression on this one.

20170515_072906.jpg2, I read a book. I brought a couple of books with me, because I assumed I’d be awake before everyone (I was correct) and I needed something to do on the plane rides. I managed to kill Fahrenheit 451 pretty early in the week, and I started The Never-ending Story before I left. I got some Snapchat-282850064.jpggood reading in, and I felt really good about it, because I haven’t been great at reading consistently. It takes a lot more concentration power than I’ve been able to manage most of the time. While I was bummed that my flight to Denver was delayed 40 minutes, it did give me more time to put into reading. So I guess that wasn’t too bad.

D, I was on a mission for Billie’s cats to love me. Billie’s had Galaxy for years, but Galaxy is a very small, declawed, black cat that hates people. At least, that’s who she used to be. While I was visiting, it was amazing! She was out and yelled at people to pet her… It took a couple of days, but she warmed up to me pretty good. The real Everest was Tara. She’s new, and she’s weird. She’s real skittish, and doesn’t even really like Billie or Aaron that much. I pretty much stalked that cat the whole time I was there, because I wanted her to love me. When she kept clawing the carpet, I volunteered to hold her while Billie clipped her nails. Then I held her while she made sad cat noises… Lol. She didn’t really LIKE that, but afterwards, she didn’t really run from me anymore. I wouldn’t say we bonded, but Thursday she let me pet her on the head for a good long while. So… it was pretty successful… Lol.

I’m not looking forward to going back to work. While I was gone, things just got…worse. I’m so tired of my job and the ridiculous people there who can’t follow procedures, or think for themselves. There’s some borderline shifty shit happening, that I will refrain from explaining for possible legal reasons. But… I put in some resumes for some Oregon dealerships. I would love to move to Newport. I even found a super cute home that I think Mom and I could live mostly comfortably in (can’t leave her here). My resume went to a lot of places not in Newport, though. I gotta find a job first. I can catch up on housing after I maybe secure income… But I want out. Out of my job. Out of Denver. Out of Colorado. I want something new, something different. Billie being a couple hours drive away is a real motivation to move, too. I miss her so hard, and she hasn’t made any friends yet…

So… that’s where I’m at. I’m in love with the idea of leaving. I miss Billie already. But I had a really good time.

Also, I’m starting a diet tomorrow. It’s the 21 Day Fix. I wanted it to be pretty easy. I won’t be doing the home workouts, but I figure I can walk in the evening… that’s a good start, cuz I am SO FAT.

But yeah… PICTURE OF AWESOME FRIENDSHIP!

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Mothership

I’m abnormally close to my mother. Not in a gross way, just in an uncommon way.

After my dad left, things were bad. We were broke. People kept breaking into our house. She lost her job. All kinds of shit just rained down on us from the sky like some cataclysmic plague sent by god. Things got worse and worse, to the point that my mother was selling off our possessions on the side of the road to make ends meet. I even setup my own little stand, at 2 years old, and sold my toys, but I remember it feeling like some kind of game than something dire. Things were bad, really bad, but my mother is the kind of person that made shit work. I never knew things were so bad until I got older.

Things got a little better later. Mom somehow managed to afford my tuition for private school, and a little duplex home. I had a happy childhood, really, but eventually things were bad again. We were strapped.

We moved to another state so that she could get a job and we could have a better life where we didn’t sell all our things to strangers or cut corners on anything and everything. It was a rough start. I remember that we lived in a motel room for a while. That didn’t bother me so much, because after my dad left I started sleeping with her anyways. We eventually found an apartment, but it wasn’t in a good part of town, so I wasn’t allowed to play outside. Instead, I got the master bedroom so I had room to play inside.

Things got better, but not without consequence. Mom finally made enough money to buy a really real house, but landing the sale nearly killed her. Then the overtime she had to work to pay for the house nearly killed her. Also, taking me out of private school nearly killed her. She felt incredibly guilty about the fact that I became a latch-key kid and spent tons of time alone. She’s spent most of my life feeling guilty. Guilty for picking the wrong dad, for not being able to make time, for working too much, for not providing enough, for this, and that, this thing over here…

When I turned seventeen and graduated from high school, she helped me buy the house next door to her, as it was a foreclosure and I kept threatening to move up where the druggies lived: it was all I could afford. The house she’d bought was far too small for me and her to co-habitate (not a word, btw)… At a puny 750 sq ft, we just tripped over each other and got under each other’s skin. We tried to make the house nice, but it never really got there. While it was the most economic thing she ever did for me, I’m not always sure it was our best choice.

I had a house, so I filled it. I filled it with things and pets, and at one point people. In recent years, what was a thing to fill was just became something to hold me back from doing anything. I have too many things. I have too many pets. Somehow I ended up with no people, though. No room for them with all those things and pets.

I never felt like I could move. Moving four dogs and a cat is daunting. Going through all my shit and getting rid of a bunch of it is daunting. More than anything, if I left, I’d leave my mother alone. Most people don’t think twice about that kind of thing, but my mother is single with no family in the state. Really, no family in the world, as the family doesn’t really stay in touch. Her sister is worthless and doesn’t even call to check on her. Mom does have an uncle around her age that checks in on her, but I don’t think she’d like to hang out with him ALL the time.

So leaving would literally leave her here alone. What if something were to happen? It would be my fault. I wouldn’t be here to do anything for her.

But what do you do when you’re not happy?

It’s not a recent thing, but I feel like whenever I talk, my mother gets mad at me. She doesn’t like when I explain thing. She doesn’t like when I tell her fun facts. She seems happier when I don’t know, like she just wants to say something without having things explained to her. It makes me feel like shit, to be honest. I don’t know how to be another way, but my nature seems to irritate her. She’s always accusing me of being agitated just because I’m explanatory and saying I’m getting upset, but I only get upset when I try to tell her something and she just goes, “I dunno.” I AM TELLING YOU. NOW YOU KNOW. WHY DO YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME?!

I’m not sure what to do when I think I’d be better mentally if I were away from her, but can’t bring myself to leave her here alone…

One Week

One week from today I’ll be with my Billie in Oregon.
I’m very excited about it. I’ve missed her so much.

Billie and I met by happenstance. Her boyfriend had posted a Craigslist ad for someone to hang out and watch horror movies with. Billie was a lot more interesting than her boyfriend. It cracked me up, because when they split Billie didn’t want to tell me they broke up; I dunno why. When push came to shove, though… I helped Billie move out and she got me in the breakup. Lol.

I couldn’t have known how much I’d like Billie. She was just so… HER… all the time. Whether she was a goth or a hippy, she was overwhelmingly her, and I loved that. I’m not sure I’ve ever just been me, so I guess that’s why it’s such an admirable quality.

When she moved away with her new boyfriend, I wrote her everyday until she broke up with him and came back to live in my basement for a while. Her boyfriend sold everything he owned in an “I Love Billie” yard sale, and hopped a flight to come back for her. It was super cute. They lived with me for a bit, but then got their own place, and eventually her job took her away from me again, this time to Oregon.

It’s been sad not having her around, because no matter what I want to do, Billie would do it with me. Band she’s never heard of? Let’s go. Alt punk fashion show? Totes in. Video games and pizza? No hesitation. Billie is just that kind of person…

BUT I GET TO SEE HER NEXT MONDAY!!!!!!!

So… yay countdown.