It’s Gonna Be MAY

April 30th is “Obligatory Listen to NSYNC” day on the internet… because ramen.

It’s been almost a month since I started taking Effexor and Gabapentin. I can’t say that it’s solved all of my emotional problems, but there’s been marked improvement.

  • I don’t go home and cry everyday anymore.
  • I can’t sleep for 24 hours straight anymore.
  • My moods still swing, but the swings are shorter.
  • My panic attacks are fewer and shorter lived.
  • I can watch TV again.
  • I have the energy to go on walks with mom.
  • I had the desire to go get a pedicure this weekend.
  • I cleaned my room… which took 9 hours.

I think it might need to go up a little more, but the changes are noticeable and I have to admit that I feel better, emotionally, than I have in a long time. I’m still getting bouts of depression, and I’m still binge eating sometimes, and I’m still having some panic attacks… but overall I can’t say it’s not better.

The medication itself isn’t too bad, either. Non-sedative, and actually I think it gives me a little boost when I take it. I had some problems with nausea, but solved that by eating breakfast before I take the pill. The most annoying side effects are the dry mouth and compulsive yawning… lol. So, it’s not terrible.

My new diagnosis, btw, is Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar II, with an Eating Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. It’s definitely different from Bipolar 1 with Antisocial Personality Traits… but I asked for a rediagnosis, and I got one. At this point, I don’t care what they call it… so long as they treat it… and that seems to be what we’re doing.

Yesterday I cleaned my room, which is a thing I haven’t had the energy or motivation to do in like a year. Found a lot of shoes… I own a LOT of shoes…

So… Things are turning up. Mom is still on O2 at night, but we’re working on getting her levels up when she moves around. We walk at work and I walk her when we get home from work… It’s slow, but it’s getting better. Hopefully she’ll be off soon.

I have to see the doc for hypertension next week. She’s had me checking my blood pressure, and while I managed my fat diseases really well until now… apparently this is the year they all catch up to me. 140s over 100ish all the time… BUT she assures me that I might not need to be on hypertension meds forever… if I get my energy back and exercise everyday, maybe lose SOME weight, I might be able to get off them in the future. I’m choosing not to be upset over blood pressure, because… well… it was bound to happen. But there’s hope. Hope of energy and a better lifestyle. A hope I did not have for a very long time.

I’m not cured, but for the first time in a very long time I feel like things might be okay. I don’t feel like I’m despairing. I don’t feel like I’m alone. I don’t feel like everything is falling apart… I feel… okay.


The Hardest of Hard Weeks

Easter was last Sunday.

Mothership and I were tired Saturday, so we didn’t do much, but Sunday morning I got up, gave her flowers, and made her breakfast. We didn’t do a lot with the day, but we spent time together, away from work, and I made her a good lunch of pork ribs, spinach, and asparagus. It was a nice day.

Monday morning, she called to tell me she couldn’t got into work, though. Mothership was incredibly dizzy and throwing up. By the time I finished getting dressed and went over to check on her before I went to work, she’d googled enough to think she had vertigo. She was also stuck on the bathroom floor. Whenever she tried to move she’d get sick again. I got her to a sofa and scheduled a call with a nurse for her later in the day, to determine if we could ride this out or go to the hospital.

By the time I got home she’d SOMEHOW made it upstairs. The nurse said she needed to go to urgent care, but either didn’t specify why or mom forgot in her blur of vomiting. She’d taken a bath but was stuck in bed. I tried to wait for her to reach a point where we could get downstairs, but it never really came. I ended up calling the nurse back to assess what she’d said, and when I told my mother that the nurse thought it might be hypertension or a stroke, she pulled herself up and got downstairs. She then threw up more… which is to say she wretched. She’d emptied her stomach long before that.

I got her in the car, and she was weirdly fine for the car ride. I laid her in the backseat and that seemed to work for her. Getting her into the urgent care was hard. I had to wheel her in, which she hated. Also, it was down a floor, so we had to take the elevator, which she had to be sick first for. Then we finally got downstairs and they got her to a room. Once they gave her IV fluids and something for the nausea she was a little better. They also put her on oxygen because her oxygen saturation was in the low 80s.

Christine came down, because without Rick around she’s taken to worrying about mom. That’s nice. It’s like having an aunt that cares.

We ended up just waiting for a long time. They did an EKG (cardiac event), chest x-ray (pneumonia), and CAT scan (stroke). Her blood pressure was fine. Her EKG was fine. The CAT scan was fine. The chest x-ray showed signs of pneumonia. They determined that she needed antibiotics and couldn’t be taken off oxygen, so we ended up waiting for them to get a bed at the hospital nearby, and for an ambulance to come take her, even though it’s a less than 5 minute drive.

Mothership was in the hospital for days.

While she was in the hospital, I was trying to close the month.
Over the years, we’ve made it a rule to not get sick at month end… she even conditioned her family to die when it wasn’t month end. Month end is how we judge our life calendars. Month end is sacred. Also, the first was the day mom entered the hospital.

I was hoping mothership was going to be in and out real quick. She was not.

While we’d often talked about me learning how to close the month, compile a statement, and pay the managers, we’ve not had time for me to actually learn it. So, I started by doing everything I knew how to do. We have a full office, but not everyone knows their job for month end. It became a lot of me redoing things just because it was faster than asking these girls to do them again.

I managed to push down the sadness, the worry, and the general bad feelings I had about the week. I did less well with pushing down the irritation I usually bottle up. I was very on edge all week. I visited mothership in the hospital everyday at lunch, which sucked because parking is a nightmare and I’d park really far away, hike all the way up the ward they had her one, then back, on a lunch break… I also swung by at night, and then spent my drive home agonizing about leaving her there.

At work, I just focused on what had to be done and little else. I blocked out the office and tried not to worry about or hate them for not understanding what kind of hell I was living in. When she was feeling a little better, mothership wrote down things she knew I needed to do to pull the statement together, and that was helpful. Christine, who is a retired controller, also came and was a big support and a big help to me. She’s a great teacher, but she managed to get herself all twisted in just two days of helping me.

Thursday mothership came home. It was a long day. I’d been trying to figure manager commissions all day, with the help of Christine, and I was fried. Then I had to go bring mothership home. She’s still on oxygen so they send her home with a tank. It was a trick to fit it in the car. Then we went to the pharmacy, where she waited in the car. Her PCP cancelled the antibiotic that the hospital doctor ordered for some reason. I hope it was a mistake. The hospital doctor had to be called and she put the order through again, but that took a while. Then we had to go home and call the oxygen people, because the tank she got sent home with was only good for five hours. They didn’t show up till around 10, and with an incomplete order.

To her credit, my mother came home that night, went to bed, then got up and finished manager commissions for me. She could see how stressed I was, I guess. She insisted, and she checked everything. I went to work that morning and just had to wrap shit up. It was still stressful, and I hated leaving her at home, but it was done. I managed to get the statement out and everything.

I also saw a shrink Friday.

Last time I saw a shrink it went poorly… Geodon is evil and sedative. So I saw a new shrink, because the sadness is eating me alive. She asked me a lot of questions, and I told her I didn’t think I was bipolar. To her credit, she listened to me, asked a lot more questions, and came out of it with, “you have a mood disorder, but I wouldn’t really call it bipolar.”

What does that mean?

Well, it means that I might be bipolar, but I’m on the functional side. I’m definitely depressed, and I still seem to exhibit mood swings, but since my mood swings aren’t MY top concern, they’re not her top concern, either. I like that. So, she’s decided to treat my depression with Effexor and Gabapentin, and actually said I might have an attention deficit problem. We have to fix the depression before I can be tested for that, though.

I took the Gabapentin last night, as directed, and slept good. I don’t know if that’s because of the Gabapentin or because I’m completely exhausted, but this morning I woke up at 7, let the dogs, out, took the Effexor, and tried to go back to sleep. I wasn’t successful. I felt okay, though, so I picked up and went hunting for Banjo Kazooie.

I didn’t find the game, but I ordered it from Amazon… and that’s fine. I also went to a book store. Only bought one book.

I’m tired now… doc said I might be tired and my tummy might get upset the first couple of days… so it’s expected. I hope I can start to feel better. I’d love to feel better.

Purple Spots

Kaiser is so fucking weird. Last time I wanted to see a shrink it took THREE MONTHS before I could get in… and I was really worried I wasn’t gonna make it that long. Today I called to get in and they’re like, “we could get you in with the shrink you saw last time early next week, but if you wanna see a new shrink we can get you in first week of April.” Really? Just two weeks? And it’s only that long because I didn’t want to see the same shrink I saw last time (as she is dead to me after her blatant disregard of my disdain for sedative medication).

Anyways… I get to see a new shrink! So… that’s fine. I mean, life’s been bad, and getting worse, but I’m having a weirdly good day for someone who didn’t sleep last night. I tried really hard, but yesterday was super hella blue.

Let’s backup.

I made it into work, but on the way home I was just… defeated as fuck. We’re still down a biller, I’m training three new people, and the title gal went on vacation this week because she’s moving. I cried all the way home, and my mom encouraged me to go to my book club even though I was super blue. So, I bought some cigarettes, chain-smoked the whole way there, and actually had a really good time. I really enjoyed the book this month: Annihilation. It was really Lovecraftian, and I flew through it. I started book two when I got home from book club, and it’s really different, but I think I’ll finish the series anyways.

For the first time in my life I found getting out of bed almost impossible. I’ve had low days, but Tuesday is one of the lowest days I’ve had since all this mood swinging like a wrecking ball started in eighth grade. I managed to get out of bed, and even shower, but then I couldn’t imagine leaving the house. It was 100% outside of the realm of things I was physically capable of doing. So, I called bosslady and told her I had a cough and issues breathing, and asked if I could work from home. I wasn’t opposed to working, but I just… couldn’t leave the house. I actually got a lot done from home, and it was fortunate I’d brought stuff home anyways. #YayRemoteAccess

Hump Day was hard. I woke up, and I was determined to get into work, but I ended up about an hour late. I informed bosslady, obviously, and she knows I’m having problems, so she said that was fine, and that I could leave early. I did not leave early. I had some kind of mixed episode where I was pretty much hysterical but channeled it into trying to do EVERYTHING at once… and it literally startled bosslady. She tried to get me to go home at four, and I ended up staying a full eight hours “because there’s too much to get done.” But like… I was breaking…

So I went home. Mom had me try on some clothes she got me for Easter, to be sure they were the right size. I went home and refused to eat dinner… meditated on the idea that maybe I just wouldn’t eat again… and how last time I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time no one was concerned, because when you’re a fat girl that stops eating, or exercises herself to death, or binges and purges, people think the weight loss is great and no one asks how you lose 30 lbs in a few weeks. With my head spinning and my stomach feeling familiarly vacuous, I couldn’t focus on TV, so I played a few rounds of Star Realms before heading to bed with a book. Figured I’d wind down for an hour and be asleep by ten.

I was not asleep by ten. I was very awake. I put on white noise and laid in the dark for an hour. When the white noise shut off, I was still awake. So I turned on all the lights, got up, did a few things, turned on a fan and the humidifier, and then laid back down with some soft lo-fi hip hop to relax to. An hour later I was still awake and I had this pop song called RIIICH stuck in my head. It was annoying.

I tried thinking STOP STOP STOP or SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP, I counted sheep, I tried sleeping on the floor, I tried sleeping sitting up, I tried meditation, I took a 30 mg temazepam, I opened the window, I turned everything off… I got up and went downstairs, and in the dark biked on the hardest setting until my legs ached in an attempt to wear myself out. I was still awake… and all I wanted to do was sleep… and it broke me.

I’m not new to self harm or various creative ways to do it, but this was the first time I got so angry that I pretty much beat myself into submission. I slapped myself in the face, hit myself upside the head, punched and smacked my thighs till they burned, screamed, cried, and when it was all said and done I took to this weird game I’d played as a kid. I don’t remember why, but when we were kids there was some game where the punishment was someone hitting you with two or three fingers on your wrist or forearm. Every time my brain tried to think, after I laid back down, I’d hit myself on the arm. By the time I had calmed down, my arm ached like I’d slammed it in a door. This morning I woke up and thought it would be all kinds of colors, cuz it still hurt. Fortunately for me, it was just splotched purple. Still hurts like a bitch, though. There’s a definite swollen spot, but it’s not noticeable to anyone except me.

I never did sleep, I don’t think. I just managed a general nothingness till the alarm went off this morning. The dogs were concerned, but they are regrettably used to this kind of behavioral outburst. I hate that they’re used to it…

For someone that went totally batshit crazy and didn’t sleep, I’ve had a weirdly good day. I put on a nice purple sweater and cute boots. I’ve been very pleasant at work. I had a breakfast burrito and then meatloaf for lunch, in case you’re worried I didn’t eat today. I’m planning on Schlotsky’s for dinner, and I’d really like to maybe finish one of my books I’m reading tonight, but also get in some Star Realms time. I bought a ticket to a concert for tomorrow night, too.

Am I manic? I dunno. I’m terribly unfocused, but I’m not hyper, optimistic, or particularly chatty. I’ve just been enjoying my new playlist (and I took RIIICH off all but one playlist) and having a moderately pleasant day. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fine a little bit of happiness in every time my arm taps something and I get a small shock of new pain amidst the constant ache. I’m sure that’s some secret to my good mood… some messed up bipolar thing.

I’m not even tired… I’m just disinterested in work today. It’s super weird, and all of this isn’t LOST on me. I can only hope that I sleep tonight and the mood continues.


I’m gonna go see this pdoc and see what she says in a couple weeks. I don’t wanna take anymore antipsychotics, though… and I have always said I didn’t want to take Lithium… so I don’t know what they might give me. I’m willing to negotiate, but I really want a shrink to listen to me. There are side effects I can’t tolerate (like falling asleep at work), and I need to be respected when it comes to that.

So. We’ll see.

Can’t Sleep

Life has been hard… for a while now…

I want to be better…

I try to be better…

But I just don’t feel like it’s getting better…

The distractions are less distracting.

The hobbies are hard to do so I can’t fill the void.

People want to see me, but I don’t want to see the people.

I hate wishing it was different…

That I were different…

Life is hard.

What happens when the optimism runs out?

Upcoming Remakes/Reboots

My thoughts on some of the upcoming remakes/reboots coming soon, according to IMDB.

  • Pet Cemetery
    • more King book needed bigger budgets when they got made to movies, so here’s hoping this gets some
  • The Crow
    • why? o rite, bcuz Jason Momoa is a god sent to earth
  • The Orphanage
    • liked the original, but hesitant on the remake
  • American Werewolf in London
    • obvi reasons if you know me

      • #allthehorror
  • Drop Dead Fred
    • plz don’t fuck it up… it’s a favorite
  • NeverEnding Story
    • hella stoked… bcuz… duh…. but I want the WHOLE book
  • Akira
    • i can’t be mad about anime reboots till after they happen
  • American Psycho
    • can they really do better than Christian Bale?
  • The Birds
    • LEAVE ALFRED’S WORK ALONE. IT IS PERFECT but I’ll still watch it
  • Creature from the Black Lagoon
    • a bigger budget could go a long way for this classic
  • Escape from New York
    • if it were any director except Robert Rodriguez, I’d be hella pissed, but I’m mostly just intrigued
  • Heavy Metal
    • doesn’t need a reboot, but I’ll watch it
  • Highlander
  • Little Shop of Horrors
    • Hella fucking mad… you can’t improve on that
  • Romancing the Stone
  • Scarface
    • Sure… I’ll see that
  • Videodrome
    • ha
    • good luck trying to get anyone except me to see that
  • Weird Science
    • not to be all sjw about this or anything, but outside of the 80s the premise of this movie is terrible
  • Gremlins 3
    • stop… just stop…
  • Logan’s Run
    • intrigued, as it’s one of my favorites, ever, but there’s a lot of room for disappointment… so…
  • Suspiria
    • I’ll watch it, but I bet it’s terrible…
    • the first one was already a little too high brow of a horror movie for most people to understand
    • long live the original
  • 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea
    • is it original? no, but it could be fun, and i’m here for fun
  • Voltron
    • Netflix already rebooted a Voltron series didn’t they?
    • i’m not opposed… tbh… i’ll see it
  • The Thin Man
    • how the fuck does on update a PI movie from the 30s without ruining what us fans loved about it?
  • Perry Mason
    • not thrilled about it, but i’ll give it a chance bcuz Robert Downey Jr is gonna be Perry Mason
  • Angel Heart
    • this movie was already weird and lots of people didn’t get it
    • will this be more or less true to the book?
    • i’m not really happy about this but i wanna see it
  • Battle Royale
    • assuming this isn’t a Japanese remake of their own movie
    • i mean, i like watching kids fight to the death…
    • unsure
  • Fire Starter
    • again, more King books-turned-film really needed larger budgets… so if it gets one i’ll be interested to see it
  • Hellraiser
    • it’s the same guy playing Pinhead… so that’s kinda neat…
    • i will see it because horror
  • Spawn
    • it’s Spawn… yes i will see this
  • Leatherface
    • i can’t resist a good Texas Chainsaw remake
    • or a bad one, for that matter…
    • bring it on
  • A Nightmare on Elm Street
    • they just can’t recreate Robert Englund’s character…
    • but i’ll probably see it because Freddy is everything
  • The Craft
    • high school goth me has to see this, because it’s who we aspired to be, and never were because we weren’t that cool
  • Big Trouble in Little China
    • i wanna be mad, but The Rock is gonna be in it
    • i like a good ridiculous action movie
    • i’m more in than i’d like to admit
  • The Blob
    • a classic
    • you can’t really fuck it up
    • the first was so bad
    • kinda excited tbh
  • Charlie’s Angels
    • i mean… fine…
  • Clue: Presentation Short
    • you can’t replace TIm Curry and i’m continually insulted whenever they remake or reboot something he did on principle alone
  • Dungeons & Dragons
    • never saw the first one
    • will see this one
    • because dragons
  • Flash Gordon
    • i mean… i have to…
  • The Grudge
    • Ju-on = great Jap horror
    • The Grudge = honestly, a fun American remake
    • 2019 The Grudge?
      • i mean we’ll see

The Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea

I found a new band / song that I must listen to until I hate it.

I’ve been hanging out in the blue a lot… things haven’t gotten better at work… things aren’t better in my life, either… I can’t always keep up the optimism… and that really just adds to the feeling that I’m failing, even though I’m working as hard as I can on things in life.

I started writing a book. Scifi novel. I gotta get back on it before I’m away from it too long. I think it’s gonna be a good one if I can get it all down. Writing is a new hobby for me… but I think it could be therapeutic. I got a lot of feelings… maybe I can get some out via my novel.

I put my stationary bike together! But I haven’t ridden it yet… maybe tomorrow… I’d like to do it. I’m just so tired…

I dunno… life is hard right now… but… when is it not?