Reception

Back in May I found out that my ex got married when his wife posted their wedding pics and tagged him in all of them on FB (they were actually married in April). I thought I made a blog entry about it, but I couldn’t find one. I think I just drank a lot, instead. I remember doing that, for sure.

Today my ex invited me to his wedding reception, which his wife is calling their “Happily Ever After Party.” That’s cute. I like it. I bet she’s really nice. I hope they’re happy. It’s also really nice he invited me. I don’t want to go, but it’s nice he invited me.

Don’t get it twisted, I am not still in love with my ex.
The thing is that A, I hate weddings and wedding kinds of things, and 2, I’m busy wallowing in my own misery and loneliness.

You see, I’ve been single for four years. I haven’t has a serious relationship since then, and I was totally fine with that until he got married. When he got married, I was reminded that I’ve been single for four years without even a serious INTEREST in another human being. Meanwhile, he was off cultivating a nice relationship with a nice girl and married her, just like he always wanted. It just made me feel like I’m not trying or something. Like, by movie rules I should at least have found a new boyfriend or discovered I was a lesbian or something.

I mean, I did reconcile with the fact I’m asexual and aromantic, and I guess counts since I got to deal with all those messed up feelings that I’ve been pushing down for the better part of 13 years, but we’ve gone over how that doesn’t really help me with any feelings of discontent. I’m still an insufferably lonely person, and all being aro ace adds to that is that it’s 99.999% harder to find someone. I mean, who wants to put in time with someone that doesn’t care for romance and doesn’t wanna fuck you? What am I bringing to the dating table here? Nothing. I’m bringing nothing.

If this were another person I’d be telling them to forget dating and really just enjoy their friendships, as well as them just going out and meeting people that do things they do. As we’ve also discussed, I don’t have friends and I don’t meet people when I go out. I recently realized that I’m so out of touch with the people that are supposed to be my friends, that I didn’t know that the group split because two of them aren’t talking to each other anymore. I can’t tell you what any of them are doing. I have totally cut myself off from them… and you know what? I don’t miss them.
Am I lonely? You bet your ass, but I don’t miss them.

I dunno why my ex’s marriage bothers me so much. I cut him loose because I didn’t want to get married and I knew he did. I still don’t wanna get married, like to anyone, but like in my head, all I can hear is my mom and her relentless insistence that I find someone so that I’m not completely alone when she dies. I finally got her to stop saying it in real life, but she’s said it so much in my life that it’s permanently ingrained on my brain that I’m going to be completely alone after she dies.

The closest I’ve gotten to dating recently is an extreme introvert that I occasionally get tacos with. I’m not romantically interested in him, but he’s nice. Neither of us really like being out on the town, though, and he lives way up north… so I never want to go see him. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but over an hour’s drive to get there is just a lot… and I have to go home after since I have the pets, so that racks up to over 2 hours of driving just to hang out for a minute with a guy that barely talks, and his equally introverted hermit roommates. It’s not my bag.

I guess what bugs me is that none of this bugged me till I found out that he was married, and I was once again okay with myself after I found out, until he invited me to the reception. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I dunno why his life has any impact on mine…

I just hate everything, I guess.

Mixed Signals

It’s occurred to me that I am sending out the most ridiculous mixed signals ever.

I’ve been single so long that any traditional signs of affection just register as needy and clingy to me. I realized this was a problem when SupaNerd left on Sunday… because after spending the afternoon making up excuses to get up so he couldn’t nap ON me, I put a chair between us when he was leaving so he couldn’t hug me or anything.
In response, he fist-bumped me and said: “Later.”
He may as well have called me bro… and that is hilarious, but also overwhelmingly my own damn fault. Lol.

I tend to greet him (and most other people I’ve known less than 10 years) with an awkward sideways hug, because I don’t like hugs… They feel like traps. Like he won’t let go and then someone else will pop out of a bush and bash me over the head and I’ll wake up in a motel bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney and a note that says CALL 911 taped to the toilet seat. I do know that’s crazy irrational, but that’s how hugs feel.

We’ve held hands when we’re out, but we haven’t kissed or properly hugged, even.
We obviously haven’t had sex (or is that not as obvious as I think it is?), but he hasn’t brought any of that up, so I guess he’s just playing it by ear.

My friend that broke up with his significant other the night I got trapped in an elevator while on a date laughed out loud at the fact that the night he went through a break up, his aromantic asexual friend was on a fairly successful date with someone. It was right then I realized that at some point I’m going to have to address to this guy that I’m not really just playing hard to get.

I’ve been happily single for three or four years, now and I’m an aromantic asexual. This makes me the specialist of snowflakes in the standard dating world… because why the fuck am I even dating? The answer is simply that I’m looking to pin someone down that likes my company. Some have said that me initiating a romantic relationship on that premise is abuse, because I’m never going to love someone the way I’m supposed to…

SupaNerd’s last relationship was a failed engagement… I don’t actually know how long ago that was. I do know that he’s accustomed to a certain level of physical contact that I’m totally rejecting. He’s trying to figure out the common ground.

I guess I’ll prolly have to address that if I keep seeing him…

I question if I wanna keep seeing him, though. It’s progressively more clear that he’s more traditional than I ever gleamed myself to be… He wants to take care of women in his life. He wants to move his sister out here and take care of her because she’s a single mother. Also, the fact she is a single mother somehow made her an idiot… I have a problem with that. We didn’t get that far into it… but I’m not looking for someone to take of me… at all. If that’s what he’s seeking in a woman, this ain’t gonna work. I’m not needy, I’m not delicate, and I don’t need a man to take care of me.

So…. we’ll see where this goes, I guess…

Super Don’t

So I was talking to this guy on OkCupid back in November and December. He wasn’t really that interesting but these days I try to give everyone a proper shot. Our schedules never lined up for a real meeting, and then he went radio silent in mid-December.

I wasn’t about to lose over it. It’s not uncommon for internet conversations to die out.

About a month later, he sends me this at 9pm on a Wednesday:

“Hey, so we were talking and I enjoy chatting with you. The thing is I was…. I was curious if you remembered me. I thought maybe you did? Or maybe you would? We were already together. And by that I mean we dated slightly and had sex a couple of times. It was 7 yrs ago. I never forget a face. Especially a beautiful one lol. I immediately knew your name. I even remember basically where you use to live. As far as what happened? Idk your not sexual or you seem kind put off by everything then, and you just disappeared. I guess I’m telling you because I just wanted to be honest.”

So let’s start with, I super don’t remember this human being at all.
I drank a lot when I was 20. I also got around. The ages of 17 to about 23/24 are a blur of alcohol and dick. They all blur together and I don’t remember anyone in particular outside of the people I actually had a really real relationship with. I used to keep track, because when I get a pap-smear sometimes the nurse asks me how many partners I’ve had, and it’s always an awkward moment when the fat chick in the room just looks at you and says, “I dunno.” Once, when I was 18 she told me to count real quick and I was like… it’s over 30… do I tell her it’s over 30? I refuse to answer the question, now. I tell the nurse that I’ll discuss it with my doctor.

I don’t regret that, just to be clear.
I’m not ashamed in the least. If I were a dude I’d get a trophy for the amount of sex I’ve had in my life, but because I’m a chick it’s supposed to be shameful. Fuck that. I regret nothing. I was the queen of hit it and quit it. Mostly I used a lot of them for free food… but my ulterior motives don’t diminish my bitchin’ dick score.

Anyways.
I ended up being honest… I debated lying and pretending to remember, but I was worried he might ask follow up questions, and since that whole part of my life is just a blur, I would prolly fuck that up. I never lie if I doubt that I can follow through with it.

I asked him how we even met, trying to spark a memory… Just for the sake of remembering if he’s one of the ones that had a weird kink, or was really bad at sex, or maybe he was just boring as shit…
Apparently I picked him up at a club, proceeded to take him to a gay club, then took him home and after about a week I ghosted him.
I’m so class. (please note the sarcasm) Sounds like me, though!
I remember nothing.

So, obviously shit is different now… I’m an aromantic asexual that would rather punch you in the throat than let you get your dick near me. I don’t blame that on being over-sexed. It’s just who I am at the moment. Shit changes. People don’t changes, but everything else does.

He still wanted to talk to me, especially knowing that I wasn’t messing with him and seriously didn’t remember him. Apparently… I’m gorgeous. (duh). Also, I seem to have left a good impression in spite of being the female embodiment of every douche college guy that picks up girls in nightclubs. He remembers me as spunky, funny, Invader Zim loving chain smoker.

I guess that’s nice.

But he’s boring as shit…. I know that’s awful… but he is… he really is.

But… I shall try not to judge till I see him in person… whenever that might be, since he’s got a whack work schedule.

Why is this my life?

Totally Not My Business

So I’ve mentioned previously that I am friends with what I would call “An Inordinate Number of Poly People.”
Is it REALLY an inordinate number? I have no idea, but I know a lot of them.

Anyways, one of the primary couples are splitting up.

Of course, that’s none of my business, so I was excited to hear about it.

I don’t even understand how poly relationships really work, anyways, because even though I’m aromantic and asexual I am also a crazy possessive, jealous psycho. So the idea of sharing just doesn’t work with me. But, just because I don’t like relationships myself doesn’t mean I don’t like watching one deteriorate.

I never understood this couple, even if you remove the poly element. The guy is quiet, reserved, doesn’t like people to touch him, and doesn’t care for parties. He doesn’t say much in a crowd, and I have no idea how he’d manage to score multiple women, just because he’s so quiet. The girl is the opposite of that. She’s loud, outgoing, and tends to be too touchy-feely for my taste. I know that relationships aren’t for me to pick apart, but I never got this one.

A while back I was in a Facebook group for asexuality, because sometimes it’s nice to have that sense of community. I have since left, because communities are full of idiots, but before that the guy in this couple joined. He expressed surprise that I’m asexual and we chatted about it. He’s just coming around to the idea he probably is too, and he wanted to get together and talk about it sometime. I was not opposed, but we just never scheduled a time for it.

So when I saw that the girl was looking for a place to live, I had to ask why. The response was one of those big blocks of text you get when someone upset is telling you something. It breaks down to this:

  • Stuff’s been bad for a while
    • I already knew there was poly drama
  • He’s been trying to sabotage the relationship
    • Touches on that he’s autistic and depressed, but how that’s no excuse for his behavior
  • He wants to cuddle, but nothing sexual
    • She relates this to him just wanting a friend and not a relationship
  • He suggested them being “just friends” and how painful that was for her

Okay, so she’s equating love to sex. That bugs me, but I guess that’s how she sees it. Some people do. My mother doesn’t understand a romantic relationship devoid of sex, either. It’s a common kind of perspective. I can’t fault her for having a common and accepted perspective of love, even if my view differs greatly.

What I’m wondering… is whether she knows he’s venturing into identifying as asexual. I mean, that’s a weird, confusing thing for people to deal with. I just did that last year, and thank fuck I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time.

That kind of revelation… That moment when you realize that your feelings that you’ve been dealing with and suppressing aren’t necessarily strange and even if they are you’re not alone in feeling them… That’s a big fucking moment. You’re relieved, but you wonder if this is even a real thing. You like the sense of community and belonging, but wonder what this means for the future if you accept the label. You inevitably get depressed trying to think of a person you know that would be okay with a sexless relationship and coming up with NO ONE.

I don’t know what it’s like to accept that you’re homosexual or bisexual or trans. I would never try to explain that feeling and all the emotions that come with it. When you’re homosexual, though, even if everyone you personally know is some kind of terrible bigoted, hatefully religious, probably republican fear monger, we’ve reached a time in first world countries where you are aware that there’s a big, raging, beautiful LGBT community out there that will help you pick up the pieces of your shattered world and push you to just be overwhelmingly yourself. While they can’t put your life back together and they can’t fix the people in your life that might be shitheads about it, at least they are there and it’s relatively common knowledge that they are there. It doesn’t make everything better, but I would imagine it makes you feel just a little less alien during a time in your life when you think the world might end.

Being asexual is not like that at all. First, most asexuals just assume they’re probably hetero, and that sex is just over-hyped bullshit. Somewhere during puberty asexuals will feel out of place because all your friends talk about is which of the rest of your friends they wanna bump uglies with. (Puberty is revolting.) You justify it by thinking you’re a late bloomer, or maybe you sit down and seriously think if you might not be hetero and that’s why you don’t have those thoughts, or maybe you react like I did and jump on anything with a pulse because overcompensating totally works (it does not, but I thought it did). We had an LGBT Alliance at my school. All my friends from freshman year turned out to be gay (spoiler alert: not all of them are still gay… but that’s an entry for another day), so I was in that club. We talked a lot about lesbians, gay men, homophobia, hate crimes… not once did we talk about asexuality. We also didn’t cover that in health class, and I didn’t hear about the word till I was 26 and playing around on Tumblr.

Not experiencing sexual attraction just wasn’t a thing when I was growing up; so, my lack of feelings obviously indicated I was broken.

Not to go too deep into it, but high school was one big banner of me realizing I was broken in a myriad of ways. So, I just racked this up to, “more shit you need to learn to fake.” Also on that list was emotional stability, confidence, non-violent thoughts, and happiness.

This guy is older than me. So it’s been longer for him than it was for me to find out that there are other people in the world that have been faking sexuality. On top of that, he IS autistic and depressed. That wasn’t just hateful shit that comes flying out of a hurt person during a breakup, that’s actually his reality. So, while I feel for the girl, because I’m sure being broken up with hurts (I’ve never been broken up with in a really real relationship… because I’m the one that freaks out and leaves when shit gets weird), I have to look at this from all sides.

Not that it’s really any of my business.

Purpose.

Purpose

I never understood this image.
You see this a lot if you hang out on the internet as much as I do. It pops up as some kind of random motivational thing for people who might be feeling bad. I guess that’s nice, but I still don’t understand the text.

My heartbeat isn’t purpose. It’s not beating out a secret to me in Morse Code that tells me why I’m alive. As far as I can tell all life is a fluke. It’s just basic Chaos Theory… anything that could happen will happen. Life exists here because it could, and that’s it. Nothing that I do in my life will change the universe. Nothing any of us does will really impact the world. Once in a while someone catches a lucky break. They fight for a cause, they discover something important, they kill a large number of people… and history will remember them. The rest of us will be forgotten in the ravages of time… probably by the time our grandchildren are grown, really. I know a bit about my great grandparents on my mom’s side, but not as much as I maybe should. When I’m gone, all memory of them will be too. Isn’t that sad?


Anyways… I am depressed today. I dunno why. I slept well, I have a date tonight, I haven’t abuse caffeine in a while… Just a Bipolar spike, I guess. Wonder if I’ll get to be manic later. That’s always way more fun… until it’s not… #crazybitchproblems

I’m decided NOT to write a book on being AroAce… because who is really going to fucking read it? No one. What is there even to write about other? Not every AroAce feels as uncomfortable as I do with themselves. A lot of asexual people feel just fine with themselves. A lot of aromantic people feel just fine with themselves. No one really wants to read about my stupid insecurities and how I spend like 40% of my time wondering why I’m so broken. It’s like reading about my mental health… it’s novel the first time, and then it’s just whining. Everyone has problems and mine are not special.

I’ve also decided not to start a YouTube channel… because who would watch it? Hardly anyone even reads this blog. It’s not going to be better just because it’s me with a camera. It’s still going to sound just like this, but you’ll be looking at a narcissistic, fat, crazy broad spouting it all at you. Plus, I suck at video editing… I think long silences are funny. So… just gonna give up on that.

I’ve been looking into getting a PS4… but today I can’t really tell you why. Yeah, they’re gonna remake Final Fantasty VII for the PS4 with epic graphics, but I don’t really play video games that often… so I can really survive with my retro consoles. Also, I was like, it streams TV! I deserve TV! But I’ve lived without a real source of TV for like 9 years now… so what the hell do I care about TV? I’m surviving just fine… It’s just an impulse buy I wanted. I definitely don’t need it.


Details about tonight’s date?

Just a nerd I met on OkCupid. He’s not particularly interesting or special. Has a car, which is fun and new. From Arizona, which doesn’t really interest me at all. He’s nice, though, and he’s not terrible to look at, and I want a fucking date.

The last nerd from the internet I was supposed to go out with cancelled on me, and then deleted his OkC profile… so that was a blow to the ego. Before that, I went out with a guy, had a lot of fun, and then he never called… Before that… it’s just a lot of first dates that I either didn’t go well or that I thought went well but then they don’t call. So… I have no hopes for this at all, but at least it’s an excuse to go drink some beer.


Okay, so that’s it… that’s my day…

Updates: All Crammed Together

I keep saying that I’m going to make a YouTube channel… but I just can’t figure out how to start. I’m thinking of just posting videos with the air of, “Yeah, I’ve been making videos for years. If you like it, you should subscribe and be part of the cool kids that follow me on YouTube. New videos every Sunday.” Essentially just fake it until I get any kind of real following. I’m not sure if that’s a good approach or not, but it’s what I’m thinking of doing.

Just imagine it… I get some followers who freak out, because I’m perpetually referencing things that happened in videos that were never actually made…
“So as you might recall from last year…”
What? You only have four videos…
WHAT DID I MISS?!
And then if/when I get any kind of actual following I can do flashback skit vids, in which I dress like a scene girl or a goth or something, and pretend I’m 12… and just say something a retarded kid would say in a YouTube vid. Yes… I kind of like that idea. And my real vids will be shot with my nice Nikon camera… and I’ll shoot my throwback vids on my laptop cam, or ipad cam… yes… that could be a lot of fun, and it can be a running theme of my vids to do flashback skits… hrm… ideas.

Is it sad that that’s almost all I have to talk about right now?
Yeah, kinda.


Let’s see… so I had a three day weekend. Thursday when I got home, though, the ceiling panel to my attic space had fallen out. That’s spooky. That’s how god damn horror movies start, for fuck sake. So I was paranoid as hell about that… That was really the perfect topping on my good day gone disappointing, for you see, I was supposed to go on a date. Date cancelled last minute… and actually, when I looked at their profile this morning, they’ve deleted themselves from the site entirely. So… that was shitty. Friday, after NOT being murdered by the chick from the Grudge, who I was certain prolly lived in my attic…

Grudge

This is exactly what I envisioned waking up to in the middle of the night.

I didn’t really do much Friday, to be honest with you. I wanted to. I’d love to accomplish all kinds of thing with my days off, but I suffer from a complete lack of motivation to do anything unless it relates to me being able to keep living… That’s literally the only reason I get up in the morning for work. So I pretty much did nothing…

AND THEN THE TORNADO SIRENS STARTED.

If you don’t know, we have weird weather in Colorado. April blizzards, give way to May thunderstorms, which cause floods, and then trigger June tornado season, which will, in turn, evolve into high temperatures and the whole state being on fire during July and August… It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s the accurate analysis. So there I was, I was at home, deciding to do the only thing I’d done all day, which was to get Chipotle for lunch, when the sirens started to go off. I am terrified of tornado sirens. I don’t know why. I’ve never been in a tornado. I’ve been in hurricanes, when I lived in FL, but not tornadoes. We’ve seen tornadoes here, living close to the plains, as we do. We’ve seen one nearly touch down on our street, though it didn’t do damage to anything. Mostly, though, the ever steady march Eastward makes the chances of getting legit hit by a tornado in my area smaller every year.

Still, the fucking siren is god awful. I guess it’s because no one associates that noise, which I refer to as an air raid siren, with good thing. They never sound a siren when you’re winning a house, or when candy is going to fall from the sky. Sirens mean that we are under attack or that mother nature herself is debating if she’s going to murder you today. Also… SILENT HILL.

I joke about Colorado being a lot like Silent Hill, all the time. We get weird fog. We have air raid sirens. We catch on fire a lot, so it can rain ash. Plus there’s that whole mountain terrain thing. All in all, Colorado isn’t nearly as terrifying as Silent Hill, but we have many discomforting parallels.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters... Like I said... Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters… Like I said… Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

Anyways, I ventured out in spite of the sirens and got my beloved burrito bowl. When I got home… there were more sirens. The sirens probably went off every 30-45 minutes for the rest of the day. Even if you aren’t scared of the sirens, that’s REALLY FUCKING UNNERVING. It didn’t help that the weather and radar apps on my phone would go off right after the sirens to confirm the tornado warning, nor did it help that the only person I managed to get a hold of was my terrified friend 2 miles away who was locked in her house drinking wine and sending me SnapChats of “YES, IT’S FREAKING TERRIFYING. I SHALL LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE ARE GOING TO DIE.”

Fortunately, the panic attack about dying passed as I got closer to when I needed to get ready to go to derby. I hadn’t been to a Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby bout in a long, long time. I was really excited! But I also hate going to the venue. Lol. The Fillmore, while lovely on the inside and definitely historic as it opened in 1907, has really shitty parking in a shitty part of town. There is NO WHERE to park in that area. It’s insane. But I found a spot 2 blocks away, and I thought that would be good. The bout was great. Here are some pics.

Fillmore 20150605_181151

After the bout we went to the Wendy’s next door. Here’s the thing about that… this is all on Colfax: a notorious street in Denver famed for housing meth heads and prostitutes (who are assumed to also be meth heads). In spite of the work they’ve done to try and revitalize Colfax, mostly by turning parts of it into an art district, this particular area is still pretty much a lot of meth heads. So the Wendy’s had a bunch of them sleeping in the front… and one woman wandering around trying to score more meth… She could have been 30 for all I know, but she looked like the Crypt Keeper with boobs. It was awful.

So my friend convinced me to hit karaoke, and I convinced her husband to take us to my car, since he wasn’t gonna go to karaoke and I didn’t wanna walk 2 and a half blocks past that many meth heads. They come out at night like some kind of nightmare creatures. I can only assume they live in the sewers, as I never see them during the day. They are not to be confused with the masses of homeless that live on Colfax, either. Those are two VERY different groups of people.

Karaoke was a bore. I don’t even actually like it anymore, but I like seeing my karaoke diva friend, so I staid for like an hour.

Saturday I got woken up by a text from the Saturday receptionist at work. She was headed to the ER, so that meant someone needed to cover her and help train the new Saturday receptionist… I called boss lady and told her, so boss lady went into work, and finally managed to get two office girls to come in and split the day with the new woman. That was good, because before that it was looking like it was going to be me… and I was so bummed about it, since I was supposed to be on vacation.

Mom and I saw Insidious 3 that afternoon. I can’t say it was GOOD, but I didn’t feel like I wasted my money. I’ve never been that fond of the Insidious franchise, but it was the only thing that sounded interesting. It wasn’t too bad, which is all you can ask from most horror these days.

Sunday, Mom came over to assess the hole where my attic panel should be. Then we went to Lowe’s without measuring it… eventually decided on a fix that didn’t require ANYTHING from Lowe’s… and then we hit the pharmacy and the grocery. I thought I was gonna overdraw my bank account at the grocery… I’m always so broke this time of month… but I didn’t! And that’s what’s important.


Today boss lady proposed a raise and job change to me.

Our old title clerk left for a better job a while back, and her replacement, for lack of a better word choice, sucks. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Everything gets rejected, and while they write ON THE RETURN FORM why the title got rejected, she’s incapable of correcting it, noting the error, and not doing it again. She’s also terribly disorganized, and has no idea how basic and easy this job could really be. It’s been infuriating for the boss lady, and annoying to me, because I have to hear about it.

So… boss lady suggested to me that I learn titles. Then we’d train some other people to do my job.

I’m pretty sure I can do it. It’s very repetitive work… I’m uniquely organized at work… and, hell… I could use a raise.

So… that’s exciting. I’m really happy about it.


I am NOT happy about my dating life. Every time something fails it just feels more and more like I’m never going to find anyone. Also, I get grossed out every time someone wants to fuck me. It’s just gross. Like, can we get to know each other before I compromise my comfort level to accommodate what you think is a basic human need? I understand normal people like sex. It’s supposedly very fun, and great… but like… I don’t. I want someone to hang out with and drag to metal shows, and lay around with me on a Sunday while we play old video games and order Thai food…

No one is into that idea… And it’s totally devastating.

I think dating was easier before I realized that not feeling sexual attraction and not liking sex is a thing with a name and a community. Sex was just part of the deal. You put out to lure them in… and… it’s just something you do in exchange for their time. Now I’m like, “No… why would I want to fuck you? Can’t we NOT do that, but do everything else in a relationship? Why am I the one that has to compromise? Also, while we’re at it, can you NOT be a clingy, sappy, totally grosstastic mess over me? Like can I just live?”

Being asexual and aromantic, as interesting as it is, and as nice as it is to have words for my feelings…. is fucking terrible. I mean no one wants to die alone… but the only way to get someone to stay with you is a relationship, and the only way you seem to be able to entice people to a relationship these days is by letting them fuck you… and I’m just plain grossed out by all of it. In the event I could land a relationship, I’d figure out the sex part… but like… do we have to start there? Do we? Cuz I fucking veto that. It’s unacceptable.

I actually had someone tell me today that sex is basic human interaction.
NO. No it is not.
Think of all your friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people you meet on the bus. If you have fucked all those people… then sure, maybe sex is basic human interaction. If you have not, then you’re like me and can relate to people without slapping your genitalia together in a sweaty repetitive motion. Like… what is the world like for that person? Have they fucked their parents, grandparents, school teachers, and grocery cashiers? I need to know.

Even my most sex positive, totally promiscuous, polyamorous friends don’t fuck EVERYONE THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN. A lot of people, sure, cuz that’s their lifestyle and it’s great that they can have those kinds of open relationships with people… but like, they haven’t fucked me, or their relatives, or our mutual friends… which implies to me that FUCKING IS NOT BASIC HUMAN INTERACTION.

So… yeah… I’m gonna die alone… and everyone in the world that wants to fuck me is apparently is terrible.

Apparently I’m Gonna Write A Book? (Maybe…)

So, a wonderful, beautiful thing happened last night. I went to see Eddie Izzard at the Paramount, and rekindled my deep seeded crush on him. Not only did I laugh to the point I was crying, but it was just nice to feel something relatively normal. My last entry, if you missed it, was about how uncomfortable it is to not feel attraction towards people. It is, and I hate it, and I find myself hating me because I feel so broken (It’s a good entry… go read it), and I don’t like hating me: me is awesome. So it was a really magical kind of moment to see Eddie Izzard get up on stage and feel my heart flutter with the distant memory of what a crush feels like. I was almost giddy with it.

FAQ:
Did you feel sexual attraction toward Eddie?
I don’t think so, but I felt romantic attraction, as well as platonic. Maybe even a little sensual attraction… Like, I would cuddle with Eddie Izzard if he brought me hot tea and then told me stories.
Does this crush change anything about you? No. I’m still Aro. I’m still Ace. I just caught a glimpse of a crush and it’s better than heroin***.
(***Author has never tried heroin… but assumes it is fantastic in a life-ruining kind of way)

Do you think this will trigger you to have crushes on other people in really real life? I’m not counting on it. I mean, to find a witty, intelligent, attractive, British transvestite comedian in Denver is a pretty lofty goal. Finding someone that’s any of those characteristics is hard, really.

I know that to most people, aro or otherwise, it will seem really childish to be so excited about having a crush. To those people I say, “I’m glad you’re so comfortable with yourself, and I hope to be like you one day.” For me, though, this isn’t just feeling a crush. It’s like gaining sensation back into a dead limb. It’s a moment of normalcy in a world where nothing about how I relate to people is normal. I’m distant, cold, rarely attracted to no one in any kind of capacity, and prefer the company of my dogs to most people. But last night I was normal. I was just a fangirl, sitting in a theater, swooning like an idiot over a person that made me turn to glitter. If you can’t understand what a relief and a beautiful thing that was for me… I dunno. I envy you, I guess.

In the wake of my my moment, I got an idea. I’ve decided to TRY to write a book. It’s a novel. It’s about an asexual aromantic, and what that’s like. Will she end up finding out that she was never aromantic or asexual and that she just needed to find the right person to show that to her? FUCK NO. I hate when books end like that. Will she end up in a QPR? Maybe. I haven’t thought that far. I really want to write it, though.

My goal with the book is to highlight what I’ve felt in my adventures, thus far, being aromantic and asexual. The ups, the downs, the failed attempts at dating and relationships. I’m going to make the main character less hermity than myself, though. Like yeah, she’s AroAce like me, but she’ll have closer friends and be a little more human and a little less cyborg. Lol. There’s going to be fighting, self-doubt, pain, self hatred, loneliness, confusion… I want it all in there. I want the narrative to make you feel things, beautiful and wretched… and I want people to realize that being Aro or Ace, or both, doesn’t mean you don’t feel those things.

So… I’ve already started on the first entry for that. If you’re interested in it, the new blog for it will be here. I should have the first entry up sometime this evening, I think. The entries will prolly jump around… I have never been good at writing in a linear pattern… more like a stream of consciousness… and then I’ll have to reorganize later… but there it is if you’re interested.

Other Random Stuff:
My car is broken… drive shaft is coming apart… shop is gonna fix it… Mothership is gonna help me pay for it… I hate that I have to ask for help… UGH… I get to go see JULY TALK tomorrow with Billie. That’s exciting because A, I love July Talk, 2, I love Billie, and D, I found someone to go to that show with me.
Been playing a lot of Final Fantasy X on PS2… avoiding real social interaction…

And yeah. I guess that’s all for now. ^_^