Another Let Down

I have determined, through much experimentation, that my main problem when it comes to dating is that I refuse to beg for attention. My information on this front is purely anecdotal, obviously, but it would seem that men (and women, tbh) find my lack of need for attention to be off-putting. And so, my dear readers, I am once again just going to give up trying to date… cuz I’m not good at it, apparently.

I can’t argue against the fact that when you get to know me I’m fairly cold, calculating, and operate much like a computer simulated personality. To start with, I document and log information you give me so as to determine the “correct” response to whatever you’re talking to me about. I’ve been known to do research on things so as to better acclimate myself to being associated with people. Most of my responses at the beginning of a social interaction are artificial. I’m very much fake, and I know that. Still, it takes time to notice, if you even notice ALL of that. Once you get to know me, if that isn’t enough to make you turn tail and run, I will tone it down and be more myself, but part of being myself is also being slightly fake anyways. People who’ve known me for a long time might know this without putting a name to it, but it’s just something people adapt to or run from. I can’t help it. I’m incapable of natural interaction.

Dating is weird, though. Everyone seems to want you to crave them like heroin. I’m not that kind of person. I’m totally fine with not talking to someone everyday. I have my own life and it doesn’t have some gaping hole in it because I’m alone. I guess it’s uncommon for a person to be totally whole and complete by themselves? That sounds condescending as shit, but the successful relationships I witness aren’t two totally complete people that happen to like associating, they’re two people that seem to need each other. Once they don’t need each other anymore they fall apart; there’s no room for the other person anymore. By that logic, I don’t have room in my life for another person… and maybe I don’t but I would never know, since no one gives me a chance to make the room.

I got a phone number of a guy two weekends ago. Bird and I were at a show, and this guy was funny, seemed nice, and I ended up getting his number because he asked for mine. Well, I hadn’t heard from him by Wednesday, and I like to make plans. So, I hit him up, because I’m a strong, independent woman and don’t need no man to make the first move. The conversation was nice enough, and drug out over two days, but he didn’t ask to see me and I haven’t heard from him since. I debated texting him again… but if he wanted to talk to me, I feel like he would. I’m not going to beg for attention. I have shit to do. I’m just irritated because if he were to ask me on a date, I’d like to have the time left open for him, but my weekends fill up pretty quick. If you’re not on the schedule, you don’t get to see me.

Based on all this info, I’m just going to forget that I got his number. I don’t have the patience to wait on him…

Also… it kind of hurts my feelings. I was excited that someone in really real life had picked me out to have interest in. I was excited to get to know someone knew. I was excited to maybe get laid. I was just excited for things to be different and interesting. I’m asexual and aromantic, but I’m not dead. I could use someone new in my life… We didn’t seem to have a lot in common, but we could have. I could have learned some new stuff and developed some new hobby. That’s what I like about new people in my life… It’s a chance to expand with purpose, not just for the sake of being the smartest person in the room.

I hate when I do this to myself…
I get my hopes up for something new and fun and different before it’s certain that it’s even going to be a thing… but then I feel like when I’m not excited about something new I end up wrecking it by NOT being excited…

So I dunno how I’m supposed to feel…

But mostly I feel disappointed.

Paris and Boomerangs

It all started the day that Paris closed.
I was sitting at home, doing nothing of particular interest and very blatantly avoiding my chores, when I read the article. ‘Denver’s oldest coffee house closes its doors.’ After 28 years, the owner of my beloved Paris had decided to call it quits and do something else with their life. A new coffee shop would move into its place later that month, but something about it was still devastating.

Perhaps for most people a coffee house wouldn’t hold such impact on their life, but for me it was like someone had just officially closed the gates to my adolescence. Even now, I can see my 15 year old self huddled around a table with my friends. All of us making a large black mass in the back of the smokey cafe full of chain-smoking young people with laptops and table games. I laugh and sip my quad-shot of espresso with chocolate, hellbent on never sleeping again. We smoke clove cigarettes, and the vanilla flavored ones we bought before the government outlawed flavored tobacco. Flash forward and I’m still there, sipping wine and talking about how there used to be a wall here, and once upon a time we smoked in the back room. I had spent the last eleven years, on and off, at Paris. Through menu changes and remodels, through high school and college, through celebrations and devastation, I always knew that Paris would be there for me with a hot cup of coffee, a glass of wine, and a French dip with jalapeno cream cheese and sprouts. Now, it was gone.

I immediately sent the article to my best friend in California. We’d just gone to Paris recently, when he came to visit for the holidays. “This distresses me more than it should.” It was nice to have someone to commiserate with on this.

It’s like the end of an era.

I don’t know when other people feel like they become adults, but yesterday was the tipping point for me. Paris was the one thing I could still grip tightly to myself when I felt like being an adult was too much. Now it’s not there. Yes, there will be a new cafe. Yes, I will be able to sit in it and look around and see my past self sitting in the same places. Still, there’s a sadness that creeps in, for nothing will ever be the same again.

In completely unrelated news… I have a date.
I think his name is Chris. He’s a boomerang, meaning I’ve dated him before. We dated for like four months. It was nice. He’s shy and very sweet. He even changed my tire on the side of the highway… and never once tried to get in my pants. The latter freaked me out at the time, because I thought there was something wrong with me, but now I’m kind of excited to know that he’s not going to try anything.

We’re going to a restaurant by his house, as he lives near Coors Field, now.
I hope he shows up… I have this fear he won’t… I dunno why I feel that way, but I do.

Post-Christmas, Whatnot, & Crazy Bitches

So to follow up from last time, that guy never met me. He just randomly stopped talking to me at all the night before we were supposed to meet up… So that was a fun disappointment. But, I had a lot of fun that night. I went to Scruffy Murphy’s and partied my ass off with my darling hippie bestie. (I have 3 besties… the cali bestie, the bird bestie, and the hippie bestie.) It’s hard to feel bad about it, since he was just some internet guy, and I totally had a blast listening to 90s music and drinking beer with my hippie… and we got pizza at the Marquis… so what more do I really need?

Christmas has come and gone. It was actually pretty nice. Mom and I just hung out at the house, as we do every year. Every year I’m always amazed how many things she gives me. My mom goes above and beyond the call of a 26 year old’s mother. This year I got a Ninja Blender, an organization cube, kitchen knives, potholders, measuring cups, jewelry, an Adventure Time video game, the Deathnote series, and a slew of other things I didn’t even know I wanted until I opened the presents… including a microwave grill, which is really cool. I gave her some premium pedicure products, a new coffee maker for work, some pecan pie coffee, and a blanket I made for her. She cried cuz I made her a blanket… and I’m just sitting there like, OH GOD DON’T CRY!!! You’re not supposed to cry!!! And she was very grateful for the blanket, because I made it… meanwhile I’m going, I was seriously just trying to replace the not as good blanket I made you last year… >_>

For Christmas food we had chips, dip, salsa, boiled shrimp, and ice cream. We also made a pie… but that… did not turn out well.. We were kind of winging it anyway, but then we let it cook WAY TOO LONG… Pumpkin pie doesn’t really burn… it just… tastes… not… great… Lol. It still tasted like pumpkin, but it wasn’t very good. Mom liked to have died laughing at our failed attempt at pie making… And then I tried to make little apple pie things… and they turned out alright, but I totally burnt my arm… and it looks gross today. We are not baking people.

At work… there has been… conflict.
So Christmas Eve we were open. The billing clerk that was friends with my mom/boss 15 years ago didn’t come in. She didn’t call in, either. She texted the mom/boss at 11, when the mom/boss was in the GM’s office having to explain she had no idea where the billing clerk was. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t show up to work on Friday, either. She did call that time… but, she has a real problem with being absent. The reason this is a problem is because A, she has no PTO or vacation time left, and B, because it appears that she intentionally feigned illness to get Christmas Eve and the day after off.

Quick Recap: This is the woman whose crazy ass fucking daughter I went to Vegas with in March, against my own wishes. This is the woman whose oldest is in jail, daughter is so many shades of crazy that she’ll never recover, and youngest is generally fucked up and depressed. This is the woman whose husband died this year, so she was off a lot taking care of that, and prior to that because he was in and out of the hospital. She’s also only worked here since, maybe February. The significance being that mom/boss has given her more than her fair share of time off to deal with all of that.

This bitch lost her mind over the weekend. I went to a movie with the mothership (we saw Big Eyes… see it) and she got this message SO LONG that even after converting it to a large message format, the message STILL cut off. That message was full of things that the billing clerk can never take back. She said shitty things about the mothership and she said shitty things about me. She’s the last human being that should be giving out parenting advice, A. Can we just address THAT for a moment? Her golden child is in prison for armed robbery and assault. Her darling daughter, until recently, beat the shit out of her if there was a disagreement, including ramming her car into her garage. Her youngest doesn’t leave his room, is totally conditioned to people just dying in the house and people being arrested… I hate to say it, but he’s a prime candidate for potentially shooting up a school, because he officially feels nothing anymore. And then she wants to tell the world that her and the mothership have been friends for 30 years, but then pull this shit? No, bitch. No. You were gone and silent for 15 of those years… and now you’re just a fucking psycho.

So… that’s a lot of fun. Mom/Boss is going to have to write her up. I’m waiting to see if she walks. I’d love it if she walked. I hate her, as of right now. I didn’t much care for her to start with, but it’s full blown hate, now.
What’s important about that, is that I have a very poor grasp of self-control. I’m impulsive, I’m volatile, and I can be dangerous if the situation gets too far out of hand. So, the fact I’m sitting here, writing this, instead of bashing this woman’s face in with an object randomly chosen from the office until she apologizes to my mother… that’s a fucking accomplishment, and it should be recognized and rewarded…

In 2015 related news…
I’m not going out for New Year… I was going to go see my friends’ cover band play at an Irish pub I like, but I hate driving on New Year, I work New Year’s Day, I’ll probably be at work really late New Year’s Eve, and since I work and would be driving myself around I wouldn’t be able to drink… so, since I hate drunks when I’m not drunk, I’m going to stay in. Maybe I’ll catch up on my reading or some shows.

Next month, I’m going vegan… So that’s going to be fun. Fortunately, I’m pretty good with vegetables, and my vegan friends have sent me a few recipes and things to pick up so I don’t miss cheese. Because, really, at the end of the day, I’m mostly just going to miss cheese. I love cheese.

I have no resolutions. I’m just trying to make some positive life style changes, but I’m not making goals…