Left Only to My Own Devices

Well, the Geodon my shrink prescribed knocked me out and caused violent tremors in my hands. The Abilify before that gave me wicked hot flashes, which don’t sound terrible until you have them. So, I decided, since neither the Abilify nor the Geodon worked for me, to give up the medication hunt.

I just don’t have time for the adjustment periods. I don’t think that shrinks really comprehend that SOME people that see them are NOT on disability and have to go to work. I complain about side effects and I just get told to wait them out for a month or two? My falling asleep at my desk, having violent tremors, and melting on a daily basis is unacceptable for a workplace. I can’t take something that will cause me to lose my job.

At least unmedicated I know I’ll get out of bed and go to work. It’s routine. I can stick to a routine. I know lots of people can’t when they’re in a very deep depression, but it’s a skill that I learned from my mom: how to do the minimum.

You get up, you look presentable, you go to work, and when you get home you can fall apart, so long as when the alarm goes off you get up again.

That’s what I watched through my childhood. It’s not so terrible an existence if you can pop in some diversity: a forced social interaction with friends here, a reluctant date there. The hard part is those little bits of diversity, because you don’t WANT to do them, but if you don’t it gets real monotonous and further depressing. Fortunately, I’m pretty good at annoying myself with the company of others, which I fully enjoy but not until I actually get there.

My shrink was disappointed. That’s okay, because I was disappointed in my shrink. I explicitly told her that I wanted to treat JUST my depression and that it had to work with my job and NOT be sedative. We discussed this upfront, and the things she gave me had terrible debilitating side effects and sedation! It’s not right for a shrink not to listen to my wants….

Geodon treats MANIA not DEPRESSION. A quick google search turned that up. I was going to overlook it, because maybe the cost of stifling my depression is a little bit less mania, but then I fell asleep at my desk at work and the tremors started. So I took the weekend to get back off the Geodon… and decided I’m better on my own.

I dunno that things will get any better, but at least I’m awake and in control of my body movements.

In other news, much to my dismay the guy from Friday night has texted me a few times since the event. I definitely thought that the disappointment would be on both ends, but apparently not. I’m trying to be distant without hurting his feelings. I just don’t know how to kindly tell someone you don’t wanna see them because the sex was bad… Seems like a thing you don’t say… You bottle it up and push it down with all your other feelings, adding to that tight little ball in your chest that will someday become cancer.

I could lie. I have considered lying… telling him some elaborate excuse to not see him involving my bipolar and shit… but I feel like he wouldn’t care if I were a crazy person… which makes it worse. I really wish this guy had some bad quality besides being lousy in the sack… It’s a shitty thing to shun someone for, but OUR GENITALS DON’T LINE UP… so it’s not really something we can work on or something I care to overlook. I refuse to fuck missionary position the rest of my life… or any part of it if I can help it.

I’m just conflicted about how to proceed. He’s a really nice guy and if we could fuck better I’d be down… but Darwinism has spoken, and we can’t… so what the fuck do I do? I could try to friend zone him, but honestly I find that worse than telling him he’s bad in the sack.

I dunno. I’ll meditate on it more. I just feel like he deserves something more than me being weird and eventually not speaking to him, but at the same time I have no idea what else to do…

Suggestions welcome.

I went with the crazy meds fucking me up. He was nice about it. I hate that he was nice about it.

Advertisements

Is it needy, or am I cray?

What is “needy” defined as?
Well… Urban Dictionary defines it as:

image

Okay, so then what is a normative amount of attention?

I don’t fucking know.

So, SupaNerd and I went out on Saturday and he came over Sunday. There’s whole entry about it. Monday he wanted to hang out again. I didn’t give it much thought because I was laid up with a migraine that I was convinced was going to split my head open and Athena would pop out. (Greek Mythology for the win.) Yesterday he asked me to dinner.

Okay, so I don’t know what the normative amount of attention is, but I am of the mind that wanting to see someone every single day is bordering on needy. Like, we’re not even dating in an official, exclusive capacity. He is a guy I’ve been out with under the pretense of a date four times. He’s not my boyfriend, and I’m not even really sure if I want him to be. I’m still working it out…

Was I mad he ignored me for a month?
Yes, but flipping a 180 and wanting to see me every single day isn’t what I’m looking for, either.

Is it okay that he texts me everyday?
Sure. I have no problem with that. I’ll text anyone every single day. Not constantly, but I’ll get back to you. Text me all you want.

But isn’t it nice he wants to see you?
Yeah, sure, but I’m not the kind of person that abandons their entire life for a significant other… you become part of my life, not the center of it.

If you like him, why wouldn’t you want to see him?
I have shit to do. I have hobbies. I have four dogs and a cat to hang out with. I have video games to play, things to draw, crafts to make, cakes to bake, laundry to do. I like time with myself. It’s a me thing.

You need to put in some time with a person or they won’t wanna see you at all.
I did put in time. I put in two consecutive days. One of which I spent partially trapped under his lifeless body in the most non-sexy way ever.

Aren’t you just trying to self-sabotage because you like him and he likes you back?
I don’t think so, no. I’m all for seeing him… Thursday through Saturday. I like being alone during the week. It’s the same as when someone stays the night and then they sleep in. I fucking hate that. Get out of my house. I have things to do. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to wake up… and no I don’t wanna go to breakfast.

How did this turn into a third person conversation when you started out talking to yourself rhetorically?
I don’t know… it happens.

So look. Here’s the thing. I like a certain amount of privacy. I’m not a needy girl (as I have previously stated a number of times). I am a strong independent woman that doesn’t need a man. If I’m choosing to spend time with a guy, it’s because I find them interesting as a person. That’s me. At no point do I want to see ANYONE every single day, though. I kind of wish that I got to see completely different people at work everyday. Like… These people get too friendly.

Still, I’ve been single for a long, long time… so I turned to other people in my life to determine if I’m overreacting or if it’s legit weird. My lawyer bestie totally thinks it’s needy. He, like me, thinks seeing someone on the daily is needy. Like… get a hobby. My AU friend doesn’t really seem to think that’s needy… But low-key think he’s prolly the kind of guy that would be super needy… I’ve also taken to calling him a sexual deviant, because he mostly talks about sex. He’s obsessed… and not getting any. It’s weird.

I asked my mom, and she flipped shit on me for it.
No, apparently wanting to see someone on the daily isn’t needy. Also, why haven’t I kissed him yet? How’s he supposed to know I’m interested if I haven’t kissed him? What if he lived with me? Then we’d see each other daily. That’s not weird. I need to stop blowing him off right off the bat. I was all upset he didn’t talk to me for a month and now I’m all upset that he wants to see. What’s wrong with me? How am I supposed to get married if I treat people this way? Why do I have to be so abrasive? He seems fine, so I need to give him a chance. I don’t want to end up old and alone like my mother. She didn’t think about that when she was younger and now she regrets being all alone. She should have focused more on real relationships. She was worried when I used to be away from the house all the time and staid at my boyfriend’s place in my early 20s. Now she’s worried because I stay holed up in my house and don’t talk to real people. Talking to people on the internet isn’t really socializing, you know. It’s not healthy. She just worries. All the time. What will I do when she’s dead? Have I considered that? One day she’s gonna die, and if I’m not married, then what will I do? I’m gonna be all alone like her if I don’t stop being so damn abrasive to people and tied one down. Being independent is overrated. It would be better if I found a man to take of me.My mother totally low-key wishes I’d just fall madly in love with someone and get married. Actually… it’s not at all low-key. She tells me all the time.

Mostly to appease my mother I arranged to see him Thursday night. It gets him off my back for a few days, and makes my mother shut up. Win-win.

What really irritates me, is that I’ve explained to him more than once that I don’t eat in public… or with people. I have a GI problem. It’s awful. We went out Saturday, he got pizza, and I watched him eat it. I wanted some. I wanted some REAL BAD. I can’t eat it in public, though. On Sunday I took pills so I could eat Chinese food with him without doubling over in extreme pain 20 mins later. I still got sick, but he was passed out, so that was fine. If I eat, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to be violently ill. VIOLENTLY ILL. I’ve explained this, but he keeps trying to get me to do food-related things. I’m like… fucking stop and listen to me.

Tuesday he wanted to make me dinner. It’s a nice gesture. It’s very sweet. I appreciate it… but I prolly can’t eat it. I could take a pill, and then it won’t be painfully violent, but I’ll prolly still be extremely sick. I need to see GI specialist. It’s on my list of shit to do, right after get Kyrie’s glaucoma eye removed and see a bariatric specialist. We’ve been over this. I don’t like when people don’t listen. It drives me fucking insane. I’m not gonna cave and eat just because you keep asking. I’m going to dodge it at every single turn. We are never going to have a really real food date. We’re not doing breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, or apps. I’m not going to eat your food. I dunno how you cook, and being violently ill isn’t a thing I like. THINK OF ANOTHER FUCKING ACTIVITY THAT HUMANS DO TOGETHER… FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE HOLY IN THE UNIVERSE.

I just… I dunno.
Is it just me? Do I give off the vibe of, prolly needy and loves to eat?
Like, yeah, I’m a fat girl that brought up the fact it felt like I was being ghosted, but that doesn’t mean I’m needy. It means I fucking see you trying to ghost me… be a fucking man and tell me why you’ve been ignoring me for a month!!! And also, I have a larger mass than other people!!! That’s all it fucking means.

I dunno. Someone tell me if I’m being irrational. Please. Please do.

Rant: Binge Eating & Addictions

If you have never had an addiction, I don’t want your god damned advice.

Seriously. Not to be rude, I’m sure your advice is great and magical, but with no frame of reference for what it’s like to have an addiction problem, you have no idea what I’m going through. Also, on the same vein, if you’ve never had a FOOD addiction, I still don’t want your god damned advice. Smoking and binge eating… totes not the same, bro.

People without these kinds of problems just don’t get it. It’s not their fault they don’t get it, either. It’s like trying to imagine a new color… you can’t do it, because your world has never given you the kind of stimuli to do so. You’ve never been a heroin addict, so you can’t imagine what it’s like to crave heroin, in spite of it “ruining your entire life.” You’ve never been addicted to cigarettes, so you can’t imagine why it’s so hard to “just not buy them.” You’ve never had a food addiction, so you can’t understand what it’s like to not be able to “just eat less.” You don’t know, and no one can fault you for that. At the same time, though, you are not the person that needs to be advising people with these problems on how to overcome them, and you should know that people, like me, take offense when you try… because… YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

I happen to have a food problem… and, if we’re being totally honest a cigarette problem, a mild alcohol problem, and an addictive personality coupled with an impulse control problem. I already know this; I get it from my dad, along with all the crazy that festers inside me like an infected bullet wound.

Now, if you happen to have an impulsive friend in your life, you know we can get REALLY IRRITATING. I know we can. We end up in trouble a lot and we can very easily drag you into trouble with us. That gets old pretty quick when you’re not an impulsive person yourself. If you have a person with an addictive personality in your life, you know we can be REALLY IRRITATING, as well, because there’s nothing you can do to keep us from getting weird obsessive about things… God help you if you show a person with an addictive personality a party drug, because that is going to be their new thing for-fucking-ever, and they’re going to get baffled when you don’t think you need to do it all the time. That’s just facts. It’s life.

Being impulsive with an addictive personality means that I have to practice a certain level of control. It also means that I don’t always have that control, and that things are gonna spiral and get weird real fast. It’s just the nature of the beast. It’s my nature. Over the years I’ve managed to reign in the smoking. I smoke on weekends… maybe a couple at night if I am drinking or I ate too much. I’ve also learned to more or less curb the drinking habit. I drink Fridays and Saturdays… and sometimes I go dry just to keep an eye on it. The eating, however, I’ve never quite gotten a grasp of… because it’s different.

You can quit smoking and never touch another cigarette again. You can quit drinking and you can never touch another alcoholic drink, or step foot in a bar, again. You cannot quit eating. You can fast, sure. I’ve gone a good month without solid food (lots of juicing and smoothies), but sooner or later, you have to eat… or you die. Even the most dedicated anorexics have to eat a little something sometime… even if it’s just for the appearance of NOT being anorexic.

Okay, you have to eat, but you don’t have to eat until you’re sick. Just stop eating so much. It’s not that hard.

Yeah, I can hear that thought pulsating in your brain. What you’re not understand is that… I can’t.
What can I equate this to that is universally recognized?

It’s like breathing. You can hold your breath. Some people can hold their breath for a really, really long time, even… but sooner or later you have to breathe, and people that have a problem with breathing cannot hold their breath very well. In this example, people with a food problem are equivalent to people with emphysema.

I go to some extreme lengths to try and not binge eat. I don’t keep much food in the house, I avoid places with a drive thru, and I try to eat in public a lot, because I am self-conscious about people watching me eat. Still, there’s no precaution I can take for when I’m struck by impulse. All those things are great for bored-binging. If there’s nothing on hand to munch on, I can let it go. If I’m under a lot of stress, though… or I’m sad… or it just hits me, it triggers the impulse part of my brain, and I go buy too much food, and I eat all of it.

This happened last night. I went to Chipotle, bought two burrito bowls, ate them both. Made myself actually nauseous, because I haven’t been binging, so my stomach shrank a bit. I, as usual, immediately regretted it, but I gave up purging when my body started trying to do it after every single meal. So, instead, I smoked a lot and took two of my PM diet pills. I was still up 2 lbs this morning… it was discouraging, but not unexpected.

So what am I trying to say?

I dunno. My doctor wanted to talk about my binging on Friday when I saw her… oh btw, if you’ve been following all the posts, I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!! I didn’t want to hear it. There’s nothing my doctor can say that I haven’t heard from shrinks, teachers, parents, and friends 100 times over the years. I’m 25 and I’ve been fat since I was born… I got it.

Eat below 1500 cals, exercise for at least 20 minutes a day, and avoid trigger foods.

I know, but saying that and doing it are two totally different things. I can tell you how to do a lot of things… I can read an article on how birds fly and tell you exactly how to do it, but you will never be able to fly. I try every single day to eat less and try to be more active, but the thing in my life that I associate with happiness the most in this world is eating.

Given the choice, I’d rather binge eat than have sex. I don’t have to be pretty to eat. I don’t have to be funny, smart, interesting… I just have to get my hands on some food… Food doesn’t cheat. Food doesn’t leave. Food doesn’t ask when you’re going to lose weight. Food doesn’t ask you for money. Food doesn’t give you an STD. Food is great. All around. It does make you fat… but since food doesn’t care if you’re fat, it doesn’t matter.

Food does make me cry. It makes me cry because I can’t control myself with it. It makes me cry when I decide it’s okay to binge for a day, and it’s not as good as I wanted it to be. It makes me cry because I know that I’m never going to 100% overcome my problems with it. It makes me cry because my love of food might be the thing that kills me one day. It makes me cry for a lot of reasons.

I want to lose over 100 lbs. It’s been my only goal that was actually mine in my entire life. This weekend I thought I was closer to death than I ever have been in my life. And I didn’t binge eat. Yesterday I found out that I’m fine. And I binged like hell last night. Why?

I can’t tell you. I can’t even tell anyone that it happened, for fear of being bombarded with advice that is completely useless.

Oh my life.