I’m Back To Blue

I cancelled my shrink appointment in October, so I’m definitely on my own for mood management again. I hate the med trials, and the very nonchalant way shrinks are just like,

“You have to try shit till it works… that’s all we can do.”

Why is that all they can do? If I have a lung infection they don’t give me random meds until something works. They isolated the likely cause of of lung infections and prescribe antibiotics accordingly. So if I’m having symptoms, why can’t they take those symptoms and give me the BEST option for the most likely culprit of my symptoms?

I’m sad.
You’re bipolar.

Maybe, but I’m only worried about the sad?

We’re gonna treat the mania.

I don’t care about the mania.
Nah, we’re gonna treat the mania.

Will that help the sad?

In theory it might. If not, we’ll add more meds later.

I don’t want more meds. Can we just treat the sad?

No, we’re going to treat the mania and later we can treat the sad.

BUT I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE MANIA!!! I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE GOD DAMN IT! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!

This is why we have to treat the mania… you’re irritable.

Literally my experience with the psychiatric community.

I sometimes worry about my future, as the only thing I can predict about it is that I’ll think about suicide. I already do that a lot, so it’s not a far fetched idea to think that will persist. I worry about reaching a place where I’m in between pets, mom has died, and I feel alone… cuz that’s when it could definitely happen. I don’t have a resilient force of will with suicide, it’s just always been inconvenient. If it were suddenly less inconvenient, I’m not sure what I’d do. I only tried the once as a teenager, and that was a complete failure I never tried to repeat again.

I dunno. I just feel hopeless about everything. I wanna move us to Oregon for a change of scenery, but I have no reason to think that will improve my depression. I’ll just be depressed around a lot of trees instead of in the ‘burbs of Denver. It’s worth a shot, I guess. It’s got Mothership motivated to try and get shit done, at least. A light at the end of the tunnel… just hope it’s not a train.

Aside from being really tired and crying in the bathroom at work, I seem pretty normal, though. I’m even supposed to go see that guy again on Saturday to get my bangles back from him. He’s really nice. I’m still sad that isn’t gonna work out. I don’t really think that subjecting a normal human being to my bipolar sociopathic ass is really good for either of us, though. People like me are what Lifetime movies are trying to warn you about.

Randomly, I keep thinking about my ex… the one I’d like to drag into the street an beat to death before setting his body on fire… I’m not sure why. It’s been almost 8 years since the breakup, and I’ve ever dated since then, but I can’t let it go. I still wanna hurt him. I guess that’s from the lack of meds. All the emotions that swirl underneath my calm demeanor are bubbling over cuz they can. It’s just a random thing to feel so angry about this much time later. Some hurts never go away, I guess….

Anyways, I’m depressed…. but I think it’s okay right now.

I’m gonna try to start hitting the gym… I hate the gym, but I do sleep better if I can get all the rage out… and I’d like to lose some weight if that’s possible (like a whole person worth of weight, tbh).

Better Kind of Weekend

So, Friday night was a bust… I dunno if you read that entry, but I was really fucking depressed. I ended up NOT going to my Halloween in July party, and slept for 14 hours instead. I regret not going. I bet it was a hella good time, but I was too depressed to be out somewhere… not because I couldn’t have gone, cuz I could have, but because in a mental state of depression I get really…. impulsive. If I’d gone, I’d have paid for the Lyft to and from, then the $20 at the door, and then proceeded to drink myself into massive debt. I drink a couple hundred bucks worth of tequila in a pretty small amount of time, so while I regret not going, I do not regret not going in the mindset I was in… It wouldn’t have been any fun, anyways, and I saved a good $300 I didn’t need to spend (assuming I didn’t start buying drinks for rando people cuz I was wasted… also a thing I do).

I didn’t really feel better when I got up the next morning, but I clawed my way out of the bed and went to get a hair cut with Mom, anyways. I kept apologizing for being sad. She just pat me on the back and said it was okay. She’s so much better about my mood swings these days than she used to be, but I was still sorry. I get so overwhelmed sometimes and I can be really short with people. She used to take that personally, but over time we are doing better at it.

After the movie we tried a new theater to see Despicable Me 3. We will be going back to Movie Tavern instead. The whole experience was meh. The movie was cute, especially for a third installation of a series… I didn’t expect it to be GREAT, but it was cute. I liked it. Also, I now want a goat.

Saturday evening I had a bbq/party to go to at the Polygon. The Polygon is a communal living home full of poly people. I’m not poly, but they always invite me to stuff, so I go. They’re nice people.

I was looking forward to this party, in particular, because of a party I went to there a few years ago when I was really into binge drinking. I drank a lot and hooked up with this guy. It was not a memorable hookup, other than by the time we actually got somewhere to hookup I was tired and didn’t really wanna… and I lied about being religious as a reason not to give him a bj (“I pray with this mouth… I can’t.” hahaha). By the Polygon standards it really shouldn’t have been a thing, anyways, as I was REALLY drunk, and didn’t give ENTHUSIASTIC consent… it was more that I gave in… but whatever. I remembered him because he spent like 30 minutes telling me about how he was Jewish, and then made this comment about a chick not asking to have one of the beers he brought for the party… so I told him not to be a Jew about it… because… I’m me, and I thought that was funny. He did too, and I think that was when he decided he’s like to bang me. The fun part of the hookup was that afterwards I immediately went home while he put himself back together. I said goodbye to no one. I just ninja’d outta there and booked it home.

So a couple of months ago I was over helping one of the housemates make a YouTube video, and after we got done she was like, “This is where (dudebro) puked after you fucked him. He’s still mad you left after that, by the way.” I was like, Really?! It was 4 years ago… But I just filed that information away.

CUT TO THE PARTY.

I’ve been there for a while, having a lovely time, and I go to pee. No one is inside the house because the Polygon has no air conditioning, but the doorbell rings. There’s a sign that says to just come in, but the doorknob is a lil wonky and I guess they couldn’t get it open. So I wash my hands and go answer the door. AND IT’S THE GUY of course. Lol. He’s there with a lovely woman he brought as a date, and I let them in and say hi. He looks at me, his get huge, and then he puts on a straight face and goes, “I think… I know you right?” Like he legit couldn’t remember, which I knew was false since the housemate had told me he was still pissy. So I just start laughing maniacally. I couldn’t help it. So I’m laughing like some kind of insane person, and all I can do is choke out, “Yeah, hi (dudebro’s name)” and left them both there at the front door. I probably laughed for like 20 minutes. The rest of the party Dudebro avoided me. I made a point to chat up his chick friend, though. She was alright. Little… aloof… but she was also high as a rocket, so I didn’t think too much about it.

The rest of the party was good, though. I talked to lots of people, I got electro stimulation on my back, and I ate a lot of these crackers someone brought. When my feet hurt, I went home, though. People were getting too drunk or twisted to make conversation, so I just ninja’d out again. Most of the housemates had retreated to the depths of the house anyways, so I’m not sure anyone particularly would’ve noticed. I was home before midnight, but I’d had a good night.

Sunday I got up and made vegetable korma in the crockpot and clean before taking Mothership to pickup her new car. Really that just meant I got to play with the broker’s dog… his name was Bowser, and he was some kind of poodle mix looking thing that liked to play fetch. We played lots of fetch while she chatted with him. He used to be our GM, so they talk shop a lot. I didn’t do too much after I got home after that. Watched Planet of the Sharks (Waterworld meets Mad Max meets Jaws… it was awful).

Monday morning has been less pleasant.

I already wasn’t looking forward to today because I’m going to see a shrink today about my bipolar depression, and I have no faith that she has anything she can prescribe me that I would be interested in taking. I considered cancelling the appointment several times, but it takes SO LONG to see someone (made the appt in March) that I figured I’d just keep it and see what she has to say.

To make matters worse, my GM threw a fit over the cameras over the weekend. He had this camera system installed without consulting me, the outside IT company we use, or the corporate IT guy. So it’s never quite worked right. He got all upset that it’s not working right, and somehow it’s MY fault it’s not working right. No. Just no. I am doing the best I can with what limited knowledge I know about the cameras to just make it work at all.

He also went off about not having the password to install shit on his work laptop… which I know I gave him. And he was bitching about his PERSONAL MAC AT HOME which I am in no way responsible for. He didn’t include me, so I’m fucking out. I passed it off to the outside IT guy, and that’ll be what he does when he gets here while I’m at the shrink. I don’t WANT to know about the camera system. Not even a little bit.

I’m so over this GM, tbh. He’s an overzealous, disorganized, piece of hipster trash, more concerned with his tight suits and the line cut into his part than doing anything around here correctly. He just does shit and then piles figuring out the details on whoever is available, and I’m fucking over it. Do it right, or don’t fucking do it.

I’ve got to put real effort into my liquidation… so I can get the fuck out of here. I’m also putting real effort into my debt consolidation. I’ve got a decent credit score, but when we jump ship and run away to Oregon, I really wanna be able to take a lesser job… I could happily be a biller if we can just get together enough money to flat out buy a house without a mortgage payment… and since we’re selling here, and buying there, the economic difference MIGHT allow that. Here’s hoping.

Anyways. Feeling okay today… we shall see what shrinky dink lady says… I’ll listen to her, but I’m not going to get my hopes up that she’ll listen to me.

I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.