Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was, as usual, pretty uneventful. Mothership and I ate some shrimp, saw Bohemian Rhapsody, and watched Eli Roth’s History of Horror. No, I did nothing with the boyfriend this year. We agreed that next year we’d try to weave each other into our holiday plans. We’ve only been together since August, you know. Three months does not justify holiday chaos. He agreed.
Chris took Addi up to her mom’s, and he spent Thanksgiving with them. People make weird faces when I say that he spent Thanksgiving with his ex, her family, and her boyfriend and his kids, but personally I find it nice that they get along and can spend holidays together for the sake of Addi. They might be exes but if they can stay friends Addi’s family won’t have broken up, it will have just gotten bigger. I wish that for them all.
I took some time off before Thanksgiving and spent some time with Chris and Addi. We took her to Mile High Comics, the big one in bumfuk nowhere, and while it wasn’t ALL pleasant, I think it was productive. You see, I’m still figuring out how to interact with Addi. I’ve seen how other interact with her, and kids her age, and I think it’s dumb. So, when we picked her up from school and she was in a mood… I mocked her whining, which made her cry and pout. Chris was fine with this. We let her cool off and she wanted Waffle House. We weren’t sure how to get to Waffle House on the way to the comic store, and she wanted to throw a fit about it…
Let it be known that I am not a parent. I would never tell someone how to raise a kid, because I don’t know how to raise a kid.
That being said, I was NOT fucking having it, for reasons I’ll get to.
I spun around in the seat and told her to stop. I didn’t yell. I didn’t threaten. I didn’t even tell her that if she didn’t stop that she wouldn’t get what she wanted. I just told her to stop, since we were TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FUN FOR HER, and that if she wanted to make pouty faces she could do it while looking down because I didn’t want to see it.
And you know what? She stopped.
We went to Waffle House and she was fine. We went to the comic shop and she was fine. We went to 2nd & Charles and she was fine. Any time she tried to make that high pitched whining noise I just said, “Hey, we talked about that noise.” She was great the rest of the day, for a 5 year old. It’s like no one had told her to stop before. It was crazy. We didn’t find any comics for her, but at 2nd & Charles I bought her the three Five Nights at Freddy’s novels. My hope was that since she wants someone to read them to her, maybe she’ll want to read.
The next night we went to dinner with Chris’ mom and Addi. I don’t like eating with Addi because the adults in her life have made food “a thing.” As a former (current) person with an eating disorder, I dislike when people make food “a thing.” So we’re at this restaurant and they get an appetizer and they expect her to eat some. They get a salad and they expect her to eat some. Then her food comes, and she’s five, and she’s not hungry because she had appetizer and salad. Your stomach is the size of your fist… she’s five: she’s got a small fist. You can’t expect her to eat a ton. Not all kids do. So, she’s fidgety and she drops her drink, and Chris wants to get mad, and I just couldn’t help it… I told him to calm down. He did. There was no scene, no reprimands, and no tears.
So they were trying to get her to eat, but then they went to get desserts. While they were gone I talked to Addi. I asked if she knew how to twirl her spaghetti. She was excited to show me, especially when I attempted to do it with penne (which you can’t, obvi). Then I was like, wow, that’s so much food…. you can’t really fit that in your mouth can you? Of course she could, and she was excited to show me that, too. She was bored! It was obvious. I get the feeling she doesn’t get treated like a part of the group very often… I’m going to work on that with her.
When we got back to their place Addi was excited to show me her room and how clean it was. Then she was excited for me to read Five Nights at Freddy’s to her. It was adorable. I had a coughing fit and Chris had to take over. Aside from that Addi asked when she can meet my monsters (dogs) and I told her it depended. She would have to prove to me that she won’t make that high pitched whining noise, because Kira hasn’t been around kids and I dunno what she’ll do with that. I don’t want Addi to get hurt. She said she’d work on not doing that.
I call the weekend a win, overall. I don’t think I interact with kids the way other people interact with kids, though. I kind of just treat them like adults… but also account for age. She’s 5, she’s not an idiot. She has thoughts and opinions and social needs. She can be reasoned with and explained to if you take the time. I’m working on showing Chris how I would interact with his kid. A, I want him to know in case I need to babysit, but 2, my big thing is not to make stuff “things.” We got pizza one night and she wanted to throw a fit over mushrooms… I literally snapped my fingers at her and went, “Hey… just pick them off. Pick your battles, kid.” And she did and things were fine. I’m no expert on kids, but I do think that the less “things” in kids’ lives, the more adjusted they’ll grow up to be.
The reason I finally snapped at Addi, by the way, is because just a little while before we picked her up from school, I got a phone call informing me that my cervical biopsy revealed per-cancerous cells. They wanted to do a LEEP procedure, which entails essentially carving out the part of my cervix that has the cells. It sounds painful because it will be. I lost it. I started crying at this woman on the phone about how my reproductive system has been trying to kill me since I was 12, and how I refuse to have to do this every single year for the rest of my life when the cervical biopsy hurt so much already, and the dysphoria about the whole thing…
I got lucky the woman I was talking to was someone who had a hysterectomy already. She was very kind. She ran off to NP Slaughter and consulted with her, and NP Slaughter, refreshed on my history, decided I should have a consult with a doctor. We postponed the LEEP procedure until after my consult with a doctor, who will discuss all my options, including a preventative hysterectomy. I will probably still have to have a LEEP, to see what’s in my uterus and determine how best to remove it, just in case it’s something that could break up and spread to the inside of my abdomen. I’m not thrilled.
I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom crying about it all, and trying to deal with how scared and anxious I am over it…. but the consult is in late December, so I chose to put off worrying until then. I just pushed it down into a little ball that will probably give me cancer… hopefully not new cancer, though. Let’s stick to organs I can remove.
I thought I pushed it down, anyways. I put it out of my mind as much as I can. Aside from snapping back at Addi, though… I’ve had… symptoms of stress. My lips are raw meat from chewing on them. My picking habit is out of control. I’m binging or not eating at all. Little things can get under my skin and throw me into a completely inappropriate rage. I pushed it down, but the anxiety isn’t gone. I probably think about it several times a day… and just try not to acknowledge it. So today I bit the metaphorical bullet and scheduled a talk therapy session.
It’s so hard to pry apart what’s being caused by new medications and what’s just a response to stress… I thought if I could get in with someone now, I could be sure to have an appointment lined up after my consult… cuz no matter what, that’s gonna be a bad time. So… working on that self care, I guess.
Chris has been really great about this whole cervical cancer thing, too. He doesn’t “get it” but he’s there if I need him. That’s really all you can ask for.
In unrelated, happier news, I played matchmaker and found someone a match. A month ago I hooked up Chris’ friend Rob with my friend Amber. I dunno Amber well, but she’s awkward and best friends with Robot Boy, so I guessed she might like Rob. Holy hell was I correct. They are attached to each other like crazy glue. She started by spending four days there, only coming up for air when she had to go to work. She did Thanksgiving with his family. They’re thinking about moving her in. I mean, I thought Chris and I moved fast, but damn. Still, I’m happy for them and I’m happy that I brought them together.
Their speed kind of made me question where Chris and I are… but it’s two very different scenarios. Chris and I are happy. Rob and Amber are happy. They don’t have to be the same happiness to be happiness. Chris and I have things to consider that Rob and Amber don’t. Kids, finances, wives… but we’re fine where we are. Conversely, I always think Bird and her man should be “farther along” since they’ve dated on and off for like 10 years, but they’re not. And they’re happy. So… why argue with that?
Speaking of Bird, this past weekend we went to a concert for Spiral Cell and Nordic Daughter, followed by playing Mario Party at my house. It was a blast! I lost so hard… but it was so much fun. The next night I made Chris dinner and we watched comedy specials. It was really nice. I loved our weekend. I love us. I love being happy. I do not love that he takes his steak medium, though… I’m a rare girl, and I’ve never cooked a medium steak… so I totally ended up with well done… but the potatoes and asparagus were good. Lol.
Anyways. That’s all for me. And really… that’s enough.