Diary Entry Epsilon Upsilon Theta Pi

Dear, dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets.
You’re the only one that I know will keep them.

Let’s see… what’s happened since Easter.

I went to my 6 week post op appointment, got cranked open and everything looks fine. I expected as much. I haven’t had any pain or anything in a couple weeks. I did ask her about the lingering fatigue, though. I feel like I’m always tired… But she just said I’m still healing inside, so maybe that’s it. I think it could also be dealing with my own hormones again. I’ve been on the Nuvaring so long that it was my normal. Now I have to deal with whatever my ovaries send out. It’s been annoying, but I’ve also been hella stressed, so it might NOT be my ovaries. Guess I’ll just see if it gets better. She did check my thyroid for abnormalities. As usual, it’s fine… which is good, but also disappointing. They can’t fix something if they can’t find it.

Friday night Chris had Amber babysit Addi so he could go with me to meet my cousin for dinner. I haven’t seen Ryan in like 15 years, and when he got offered a fully paid for vacation to Colorado for some book he wrote a story for (he got 3rd place) he jumped on the chance. I’d forgotten this, of course, and failed to properly plan. SO. I had them train into Union Station, and then Chris and I trained into Union Station. I met Ryan’s lovely wife of roughly 4 years, Colby, and we ventured out to explore.

Mostly we wandered around for a while, and then settled on BD’s Mongolian BBQ for dinner. I figured it was a safe bet, because you make your own stir fry, so everyone could get whatever they wanted. Over dinner we chatted. Ryan (33) grew up to be a librarian. I don’t know how that happened, but that’s what happened. Lol. He’s always liked to write, so I guess it suits him, really. I asked him about his brother, Jason, as he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2015. I guess he’s currently in remission, but he’s not getting his hopes up too high, as he’s been in remission before and it just comes back. I wish there was something I could do for him and his wife, but Ryan donated marrow to him, so all we can hope is that he stays in remission. Colby (21) is a nursing student, and asked me about my surgery (because in my haste to explain why I sucked at planning I blurted out that I had had cancer). She’s actually very knowledgeable and explained to us why I had to shoot myself in the tummy with Lovenox instead of something like taking it orally. (I guess stomach acid breaks it down and makes it less effective.)

Now, if you, like I, have done the head math, you will have noticed my cousin is 12 years older than his lovely wife, and that they’ve been married for 4 years… I guess when she was 18 they literally ran off and got hitched. When I did that head math I just went, “well, Ryan, that’s a very southern age gap.” We are a southern family, to be fair. My mom was 13 years older than my dad, got an aunt 15 years younger than her husband, got an aunt 20 years older than her hubster… you get it. I, personally, always found those age gaps gross and weird, but to each their own. Ryan and Colby are happy, and they’re a cute couple, and both sides of the family are on board with it. So, whatever two consenting adults do is their business. Lol.

After dinner, we headed over to the Dairy Block and got ice cream, trying to show them around my favorite part of LoDo, and then it was time to go home. I told them to come back any time, and they said to let them know if we ever wind up in Georgia. Lol. Ryan, being some of the only family I like, was a real treat, and I was really glad to see them.

Amber and Addi had a great time. Amber even did Addi’s makeup, which Addi loved. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. I’m not… great with kids… or Addi. I feel like I end up being a disciplinarian, because I tell her to behave. Other than that she likes my dogs, but I’m not 100% sure she really likes ME. She likes Amber, though. Amber is a really real life cartoon character that likes art. What more could you ask for in a babysitter? I wish I had that kind of… knack for children. I’m working on it… I’m just not… great at it.

Addi was supposed to go to her mom’s for the weekend, but had a birthday party in Aurora on Saturday afternoon that she REALLY wanted to go to… and she doesn’t have a lot of friends, so Chris thought it might be good for her. Meanwhile, Chris worked Saturday, and I went to meet my new boss lady.

MH is a lot closer to home, but it’s no high end dealer. That being said, I really liked the layout. It’s a small showroom sitting on a large plot of land. Actually, there’s multiple buildings, and it’s under construction for a remodel, so who knows what it’ll look like when they’re done. It’s… no Mercedes dealer, though. I felt very out of my element as a Mercedes employee for 13 years.

I met new boss lady. She’s actually really nice, it seems. She showed me the office. It looks like an office. She did say no green hair, so I’m thinking wine tones next color?

Honestly, it went great, and they’re gonna pay 75k-ish (based on gross) instead of the 70k I asked for. But seeing the place and meeting boss lady and everything made it so real… and I’ve been having panic attacks ever since. I had one today, even. Just thinking about… It’s bad. I know it’ll be okay, but right now it’s really not.

With Addi gone to her mom’s, Chris and Koopa came over. We played some video games and watched some stand up, and went to bed. Sunday morning we got up and after hanging out in bed till like 11, we invited Billie & Aaron to brunch at our Jewish deli. They came! It was great. Afterwards Chris and I went to Goodwill, cuz it was there, and got some random stuff. He found Addi a Five Nights At Freddy’s backpack, and I got some teacups from Japan, and we both got books… because books. It was just genuinely fun. Then we came home and played more Resident Evil.

This weekend I’m taking Addi to some comic shops for free comic book day, since Chris works. I’ll let you know how that goes. I tried to wrangle Sarah or Bren & Shaunna into coming and bringing THEIR spawn, but I ended up with Bird… who loves kids and comics and will prolly outshine me with Addi. Lol. But that’s okay. I’m excited.

Might grab pho with Billie & Aaron Sunday. Might see Endgame. Might sleep. Who knows.

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p4n1c!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???

Here’s what happened.

  • Todd = My soon to be new boss & controller
  • Cathy = Controller at a different sister store
  • Linda = Controller before Todd

So Todd is friends with Cathy. Todd got canned this morning and called Cathy to tell her that, as well as that Linda is coming back. So Linda is now going to be my new boss next month.

A, What the actual fuck is happening with this store I’m supposed to be going to?

2, What if Linda doesn’t want me there and just finds a way to get me canned?

D, I knew what I was into with Todd… with Linda, who is a great controller with lots of experience, BUT… like I have no idea what I’m in for with her.

So. I’m having a panic attack. That’s cool.

Go With It

So… Corporate is making me take that job at the sister store that I turned down. Apparently, after 13, going 14 years, my boss being my mother is finally a problem. I find this funny coming from our CFO, because prior to being the CFO, he was a controller and his dad was a head honcho at corporate. But… nepotism… I get it.

I wish they had presented it that way, though. Like, just tell me. “Hey, we can’t have you and your mom in places of management at the same store, but we want to keep you both. So, we’ve arranged for you to move to another store, which we know is struggling with office management, and to compensate you, we will be working out a raise, as well as a title change.” Oh, okay. When’s that happening so I can make all the arrangements?

I’m also a little ticked that no one has actually talked to ME about it. The CFO talks to the GM, and the GM talks to my mom instead of me. My new GM talks to me, though. So… maybe things will work themselves out.

I know I can do the job. I have no qualms about that. I am not excited to pull those hours and get everything in order… but I’m kind of excited to start somewhere new. And it’s closer to home, so maybe I’ll be able to go home at lunch, which the dogs would love.

Just… don’t feel great about it, right now. I cried about it. I was pissed off about it. Now I’m just trying to get the office in order so I don’t leave mom in a lurch. I’m also kind of excited to not be the go-to tech person anymore… that’s gonna be fun… till I mess it up and end up the go-to tech person again… I know too many things.

I was all anger and tears Friday evening, so Chris put Addi to bed and came over to just listen to me vent. Somehow, that boy always seems to make everything okay. I love that about him, but also I worry I’ll come to rely on that. We talked over how this is going to affect us and our plans… and really it just kind of speeds some stuff up. So, I guess it’s gonna be alright. We’ll figure it out.

This weekend I had a nice time, though. Chris and I took Addi to a used board game sale, and then we had a picnic in the park with Bdo and Frankie. Bdo loves Addi, so she was excited to play with him. Frankie wasn’t sure about the park… but we got her to have some fun. We tied Bdo and Frankie together, because Bdo doesn’t want to do anything and Frankie likes running… So she dragged him, and he kept her from running off. Addi played with some neighborhood kids. She was holding onto this new kind of merry-go-round and I saw her legs flying out, and was like, “that looks danger-OH NO.” She FLEW off. And I got to watch it. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was awesome. She cried. Chris pushed down his giggle to go check on her. Little bit of road rash, but she’s fine and went back to playing after she told Bdo she was okay.

We had a good time, and then we all went to take a nap. Chris picked me up for a game night Amber and Rob invited us to. I didn’t realize it was in Westminster when I insisted he drive. Lol. But we went, and he let me torture him with my Top Songs of 2016 playlist. We were supposed to go to some Italian buffet thing, but when we got there the wait was 2 hours… so we ended up going to CB & Potts, which was fine. I had Ahi Tuna Nachos, and they were bomb.

Amber has nice friends, and I think Chris is enjoying her dragging Rob out to do things. She took us to this cool gaming arena. You check in and pick a side. One side has a liquor license, the other is a coffee shop. Then you sit down, order, and you get your own e-hookah. I haven’t hookah’d in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

What was not fun was sitting on a folding chair and it collapsing under my weight. Talk about fat girl nightmares… I got lucky I didn’t crack my head on anything, but as I lay there, I gave up for a second. I reached a “this may as well be my life” moment. I must’ve laid there too long because a girl frantically asked if I was okay and helped me up. She turned out to be Malina… my ex-bestfriend Rachael’s sister. That was nuts. Small world syndrome is nuts. She was sweet, though. She whacked off her hair and I think she was on a first date… It gave me feelz I wasn’t into having… but I didn’t let it ruin the night.

We all got seated, I drank some tea and sucked on a hookah, and even though I brought 2 games, and Rob & Amber brought like 6, we ended up playing one of the house games called THINGS. It was a good time. Chris and I got home around midnight, and we watched standup for a bit before passing out. Since Addi goes to church with his mom, we had a lovely Sunday morning in bed just being gross and romantical. As we do.

Then I went out, got my car detailed, bought new windshield wipers for both vehicles, took mom to see Dumbo, and then hit the grocery store. It felt very productive. I liked Dumbo, btw. It was a more adult version of the story, though. I’m not sure it has much appeal for young kids. Maybe like… pre-teens. Mostly it appealed to people who grew up with the 1941 animated cartoon. They did a good job, but they changed a lot of it.

In other news, Chris’ oldest, Brinley, is coming down for her Spring Break next week. I told Chris to ask her what she wanted to do, and she wants to laser tag. Girl… we gonna laser tag! I also tried to think of some other things. Figured in a movie, and maybe we can do dinner somewhere fun one night. I’m excited to meet her, but also pre-teen girls are the meanest people on the planet, so… that should be fun.

Life is… still okay. I’m not happy about the job thing, but I can embrace this as an opportunity and go with it. I’m worried that I won’t get the house finished quick enough, but in reality we have a year to get Chris and Addi in and settled, since she’s going to be with her mom for the summer and next school year. My health is pretty good. We even managed to have sex and it was not unpleasant. It’s different, though.

It’s just a lot of change… I have never been very good at change… but I’ll be okay… cuz I have to be.

Surgery Day!

3am – Alarm went off… spent the next 30 minutes drinking apple juice and taking the meds I was allowed to take today.

330am – Took shower with terrible antimicrobial soap they gave me at the pre-op appointments. I got it nowhere close to my eyes, but the fumes coming off of it were pure alcohol. So burny. It also left my skin feeling like plastic, very dry, and unpleasant. I longed for LOTION BUKKAKE. All over my life.

430am – Head to hospital for 530 check in. Mom was obviously nervous. Her driving showed it pretty evidently. Also, it was dark, and she has mild night blindness, so the drive to the hospital was NOT great. And we got there super early, so we had to wait for 30 minutes before the doors actually opened. But her being SO nervous meant my mom-friend instincts kicked in and I was incapable of being nervous for myself. Handy personality quirk.

6am – I had to strip down and pre-op started. I was kind of really uncomfortable with so many talking to me while I was wearing neither pants or panties, but I was soon distracted by the pre-op process. They put this GIANT needle in my arm to take blood, and then they push this button on the device and the needle pops out, but leaves flexible plastic tubing in my arm for administering fluids, drugs, and antibiotics during surgery. It was pretty cool, tbh. During this time I also met all my doctors. They all seemed very nice. I also got a shot of heprin for blood clots in the back of my arm… the needle didn’t hurt, but FUCK that burned. Not looking forward to administering my blood clot shots once a day for the next two weeks…. @_@

730am – They wheeled me into the OR. The sedation meds weren’t really taking effect on the way in, but I was still pretty calm all things considered. They adjusted the IV and I felt them before the anesthesia actually started, though. First time I remember seeing the OR in spite of this being the fourth surgery of my life. It was less terrifying to me than I thought it would be. Nice and cold, though. I love a good cold room. Then they said they were administering the knock out drugs, and I was out in like 20 seconds.

930am – Came to in recovery and panicked. I didn’t feel pain or anything, but waking up with people in your face asking you questions is jarring. I asked the time and when I could see my mom. I guess I was on the brink of tears, cuz the 68 year old recovery specialist was concerned I was in pain. Really, my pain was like a 3. She gave me just a little pain medication, which probably also helped me calm down. Once I got them to sit me upright, though, I started to feel better. I was only in the phase 1 recovery room for about an hour. I got real coherent and chatty pretty fast. I was also PARCHED so I sucked down ice chips and water like a pro, even though my throat hurt from the breathing tube, and still hurts right now, actually. When the recovery specialist said she was gonna go talk to my mom, I asked her to tell her my Pulse Ox, because I was pulling 98%. Many a time we’ve had problems in this family with people being unable to keep their pulse ox up, so I thought it would be the best way to reassure her I was doing well. Shortly after, I asked and was allowed to go to the bathroom and put my clothes on, which… nothing makes you feel better than wearing pants… Swear to god.

11am – Taken out to recovery stage 2, which is essentially just a holding room where Mom sat with me till they got my discharge papers ready. Everyone was SUPER impressed with my recovery. I wasn’t in pain, didn’t ask for medication, and was pretty chatty and overall happy. They predicted this meant I would have a pretty easy recovery, but warned me I’d prolly feel like someone beat me up tomorrow… looking forward to that!

1215pm – Released to go home.

1pm – Mom picked me up some Chik-fil-A for lunch and helped me get inside and get the dogs outside. Then, she left me to eat and get some rest. They put this thing behind my ear for nausea that’s good for 3 days, and it causes WICKED dry mouth. The fries went down great. The nuggets did okay. I killed two sweet teas trying to eat my sandwich, though, because I didn’t have enough saliva to breakdown the bread. Lol. After that, I went up to bed and napped on and off for most of the afternoon. I also listened to a book.

5pm – Chris came over. He’d texted me all morning, intentionally getting up even earlier than usual to reassure me everything would be fine. When he showed up his face was nothing but concern, though. He was actually really worried and was really glad I seemed to be doing mostly okay. We snuggled, and chatted, and watched The Orville. Then he had to go home since he’s got Addi this weekend. He setup a TV and a Wii U in her room, though, so she didn’t mind him coming over for a little bit. He promised to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and he’s spending all day Monday with me. I feel very loved.

630pm – Fed dogs and grabbed some dinner. It’s now 814pm, and I’m still working on dinner because it’s hard to swallow…. but I feel mostly okay.

OTHER NOTES:

  • The girl next to me in recovery was NOT doing very well. They did some kind of investigative surgery on her uterus for endometriosis and some other things I don’t remember the name of. She was actively crying and in a lot more than me. I hope she does well and gets relief for her problems. She seems like a sweet girl.
  • My surgeon came in to talk to me post-op and told me that in spite of being told I probably had endometriosis and poly-cystic ovaries since I was 12, there were no signs of either. This has made me very curious as to what the fuck caused my periods to be SO BAD. All the material, except my ovaries that I got to keep, was sent to pathology, though. Maybe they’ll be able to tell me what was up, as well as whether we got it out before it turned into cancer.
  • My surgeon showed my mom pictures of my insides. She was grossed out. I see this as payback for when she had her uterus cauterized when I was like 15, and her doc came out and this smol Asian woman named Doctor Sun showed me her burned and blackened uterus… and then went “See! You came out of there!” With a thick Asian accent… it was hilarious later, but freaked me out at the time. I derive pleasure from knowing mom felt similarly. Lol.
  • Chris signed divorce papers! I guess his ex got everything together after she filed their taxes, and he’ll be a free man, soon. I am very excited about it, especially with plans to move him in come May. I’m nervous what my hairdresser will say, since she’s already asked if I’d marry him… so now I feel like she’s gonna badger me to marry him forever now. Lol.
  • Both mom and I have been running off anxiety this week, and it shows. We both felt exhausted on the way back from the hospital, and we predict we’ll be out like a light tonight.

Overall, today was less epic than I thought it would be. If someone told me, right now, that I’d be going back to work Monday, I’d ask to wait till Wednesday. As it is, I’m off for two weeks! So, I plan on doing a lot of reading and gaming and hoping that the pain continues to be minor. I have no regrets now that it’s over.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Me: “So, are you sad I won’t even be having an oops baby now?”
Mom: “No, I’m glad you’re not gonna die. If you want a kid later, we’ll buy you one.”

I love my mom, and her borderline rude but in a caring kind of way bluntness.

3… 2… 1…

Tomorrow is the day. I get my hysterectomy at 730am tomorrow…

A, not excited to be up that early (530 check-in)
2, not excited about surgery (weirdly nervous about it)
D, everyone I’ve told has been so great (see below)

When this became part of my reality, I decided not to tell most people. I told my mom so she could come to the doctor with me, and I told Chris because he’s very important to me, and I told David (1), Billie, and Robyn, because they’re my besties. I also told Cat, because she’ll be covering some of my duties at work. But mostly I’ve kept it under wraps until recently. I’m not posting it on social media, but I’ve left little clues for people who are paying attention.

Well some people noticed. Shaunna and Bren are super sweet and offered to stay with me a day, as well as bring me Chipotle. Melanie offered to bring me Chipotle AND Boss (her dog) while I’m off. Baker offered to bring me Chipotle. David 2 offered to bring me dinner and watch a movie… Literally everyone has offered to come hang out and bring me Chipotle. It’s been… really nice. It’s nice to feel cared about. And David (1) went so far as to buy me the Resident Evil 2 Remake Deluxe Bundle so I have something to play while I’m off, since he’s not here to come see me. I was super in shock at that one.

I haven’t decided if I’ll make it super public, but it’s been nice to see an outpouring of support. Everyone who’s ever had surgery has reassured me that I’ll be fine, including Baker telling me about her C-Section. I often feel like I’m kind of a loner, but moments like this, where I could use people, people always show support. I have a unique kind of relationship with people, but we’re still friends. It’s important to remember that.

Yesterday I met my new med shrink. Dr. Patel is a young man with obvious Indian roots, but no accent. He’s also very nice. He helped me, via email, to get my meds straightened out after Dr. Major left. Our meeting was predominantly me telling him that I feel like I’m doing well in spite of all the stressors I have right now, gushing about Chris and how great he is, and just going over some “get to know you” questions. He let a few of Dr. Major’s notes she didn’t share with me slip, like how she suspected I might have Asperger’s. I don’t think I do, but at this point I don’t care what you call my crazy so long as we treat it. At the end of the hour we essentially agreed I’d come back in April or May, depending on if I take the job on the other side of town. It was really nice to see a doctor and not have anything be wrong.

I was a bundle of nerves yesterday, but I’m pretty calm today. I dunno why. Exhaustion, maybe? It’s hard to be anxious ALL THE TIME. I feel like at some point you just have to let it go. I won’t have time to be anxious at 5am tomorrow… I won’t hardly be awake. So I guess that’s good.

I dunno why I feel anxious about the surgery…. I’ve been under the knife several times…. gall bladder removal, ACL repair, skin removal…. Never had a reaction to anesthesia, or had to stay in the hospital longer than predicted. Never had a ton of pain, cuz I keep up on my meds. I don’t actually even think I can die, because I’m nicely deluded. I really have no reason to worry. Mom says it’s because I’m older now, and you just tend to get that way. The older you get the less you like the idea of surgery, because when you’re younger you don’t really think about it; it’s just a thing you do because someone tells you it needs to be done. She might be right.

Anyways… I guess I’ll check in during recovery. Hope it’s not too brutal.

Countdown

It’s Monday morning, and on Friday I have my hysterectomy. On top of that, it’s day 2 of month end, and I’m very tired already. It’s going to be a hectic week.

I had a great weekend, though.

Friday night I was going to get drinks with Cat and Robyn to say bye-bye to my uterus… but it was the first day of month end and I was tired, and I really just wanted Chris time. So, I cancelled that.

When Chris got there, we spent what I would consider an inordinate amount of time just hugging and kissing in my living room. We do that a lot when we see each other. I didn’t get to see him at all last week, and I missed him. I missed SOOOOO much, and thankfully he felt similarly. We are… very addicted to each other. It’s a weird feeling. I’m getting used to it, though. After we got over the wave of affection, we decided to get Chipotle and Goodtimes Custard for dinner, and watch some Umbrella Academy. It wasn’t an eventful night, but it was nice.

Saturday morning we spent about half the day in bed with a mixture of sexy time and snuggling, which was super nice. When we finally did get up, I made him some eggs and me some grits, and we watched more Umbrella Academy. Then we loaded up and headed to Englewood. The Englewood Library has a bunch of stuff in it, including an art exhibit called Natura Obscura. Originally, Rob was going to take Amber, but they ended up going to Whimsy Con instead, and he gave the tickets to Chris. (The great thing about both Chris and Rob is that Amber and I are art nerds… what works on one of us will likely work on the other one. I’m a bit darker, and she a bit more whimsy, but you can’t really go wrong with an art exhibit.)

We had no idea what to expect, really. I’d briefly googled the exhibit to see what it was, but I didn’t really get into it, if you know what I mean. So we go and we’re given black light flashlights. I’m immediately intrigued. There’s also a phone app to go with it, and when you find these little placards with these little animals on it they talk to you via app! So we go in and it’s like a black light forest scene. You shine the light around and there’s secret stuff in black light paint everywhere… it’s SUPER COOL. Then you go into this area that looks like the inside of my head. Just STUFF everywhere. Fascinating clutter jammed together to represent different stories. Alice in Wonderland, of course, Beauty and the Beast, Little Red Riding Hood… the three blind mice was my favorite because it was just 3 rat tails in jars in a shadow box with silhouettes of the mice. It was cute. It made me wanna art. I took tons of pictures. Then there were some other rooms with interactive stuff: a 30 minute meditative experience, a room that had tubes that light up and play sounds when you touch them, a swing in the middle of a cloud room that plays thunder noises and flashes lights like lightning when you swing, a room full of weird inflatable things, and a room that was all black with a molecular diamond structure in it… I didn’t like that last one because one whole wall was motherboards and it would randomly light up like it was struck by lightning, but I couldn’t figure out what kind of timer it was on, so it startled me every time. Lol. It was super fun, though. I loved it. He loved it. Then we went to get pho.

Chris picked the pho, but come to find out he’d never actually eaten pho. So we got in and ordered and they brought out the plate of garnishes and he was just like, “I have no idea what that is…” So I explained pho to him, and lip synced some ridiculous old love songs that they were playing overhead. There’s nothing more fun than dramatically lip syncing My Heart Will Go On in a public place, and I will physically fight anyone that says otherwise. Lol. We only managed about half the pho and had to take the other half home. We had fun, though!

When we got home we watched some Umbrella Academy and then went to Mom’s for pizza and a movie. We got pizza and wings, and we watched Isle of Dogs. I didn’t know that movie was an adult movie. It looks like a kid movie, but it absolutely is not. We pretty much laughed through the whole thing, because that is the driest, hilarious movie I’ve seen in a long, long time. It was a really good time. Sal and Garner love Chris, and even Ava and Guy got in on his snuggly personality. My mom just laughed. We ended up staying up for a while when we got home so the dogs could eat and stuff. We finished Food Wars (Shokugeki no Soma) and watched some stand up. It was SUCH a great day. I was just happy to be with him, and he said the same.

Sunday morning the dogs tried to wake us up early, and I got mad about it and ended up locking everyone in the kennels and going back to bed… but of course I couldn’t sleep, so while Chris slept I drank pumpkin tea, read, and listened to some lo-fi hip hop. When he started waking up we switched to a new playlist I’m curating that’s got Orgy and Nine Inch Nails, and other mainstream Industrial Dance artists on it. It’s a good mix of stuff I can dance to and stuff he peripherally listened to in high school. We both kept going, “I haven’t heard this in FOREVER.” We played phone games and snuggled, and eventually snuggled up with the dogs, too. When we got up we watched the end of Umbrella Academy, which is KILLER by the way, and then went to the bedroom for some… sexy time.

After that he had to go pickup Addi. I ended up taking a nap.

What I left out was some news I got.

A, Addi is going to school in Greeley next year. That means that she’ll be moving up there when school ends and we’ll get her every other weekend. I think that’s going to be good, because it gives us time to see if he likes living with me, but also to redo the house, and time for Chris to figure out if he’s going to trade school. He wants to be an electrician, he thinks. It’s really important to me that even though she’ll only be coming weekends, that she has a room and it is HER room. I didn’t have a room at my dad’s. It was a spare bedroom they did laundry in. Nothing I owned lived there. It wasn’t MINE. I want to be sure she knows that’s HER room and she’s welcome to it whenever she likes. Hopefully, in the future, we can get a slightly bigger house with another bedroom so we can have a room for Brinley, too. But that’s a ways off. She only visits every few months… but as she gets older he might wanna come more, and I want to make the house welcoming for her.

2, The GM of the store I got offered a promotion to called. We had lunch last Monday to discuss it, and I spent the time emphasizing I could definitely do the job, but that it has to be worth it, and that I value family time with my partner and his daughter, etc. I also asked for a pretty substantial raise to even consider it… and he called me Saturday before we went to Natura Obscura and let me know they’re interested. He said to call him when I’m back from FMLA so we can talk actual money and how the move will go down should I accept the position. It would be closer to home, and it’s a great opportunity. I just… have to make sure I’m getting what I’m worth. I’m sad about leaving mom alone, but also I know she’s not going to work in the biz forever. It’s important I do what’s right for me and MY plans. This move and raise would be good for me, but also helps establish that I can help mom in the future. So.. If they stick to the pay I asked, I think I’ll end up taking it.

I had a panic attack about everything… because I worry I’ll make the wrong choices… but Chris is right… you just have to make a choice and ride it out. And he’ll be there to hold me when I’m overwhelmed, and we’ll make whatever happens work. #SuspiciouslySupportive I love that nerd…

Everything In Transition

So I spent the past two days in bed with flu. Fucking sucked. Still sucks. I’m not sick anymore, but my throat is WRECKED from coughing incredibly hard. Like there’s something in my throat that pops every time I swallow. That’s not natural…. (but Oak Express is…)

So, I spent two days alone at home in agony and hell, mostly sleeping and hating being alive.
And then the unthinkable happened.

Corporate offered me a promotion.

They want me to move to a sister store as an Assistant Controller.

Now, that sounds like a good thing, and it kind of is, but also that dropped a major bomb on my already revved up anxiety about my life. I’ve already had my existential crisis, so I can’t just go with the flow anymore. I know I’ve got one life to live, and that if it’s gonna be good life I have to MAKE it a good life. So, obviously, I had to start thinking about ALL my life choices. A lot of the beginning ones weren’t great, but they’ve gotten progressively better, I think.

So right now, I’ve got some big life changes happening.

  • Hysterectomy
  • Chris Moving In
  • Possible New Job

It’s tense.

Should I be getting the hysterectomy? It’s gonna be hella expensive, but I still think it’s better than dying of cervical cancer. Also it means I won’t have any unplanned pregnancies, which is good but also the only way I was probably ever going to have a kid. So, I reconciled the kid thing, but it’s still a looming transition. Imma be broke, out for two weeks, and it’s not something I can go back on.

Should Chris be moving in this summer? Debatable. I want him there, for sure. I don’t know that I’m ready to be a step mom, or that I’ll be a good one. It’s not like he’s going to be able to help that much with finances, seeing as he doesn’t make that much and he’s swimming in debt. He’s not going to pay rent at the moment… so… it’s just taking on two people with the hopes that more chores get done, really. And, of course, that I like having him around. It’s not a financial move. It could turn out worse than when Mike moved in. I’m still not sure about it… but it’s something I don’t have to focus on till this summer… so I’m kind of putting it on the back burner, for now.

Should I take the job?

That I can’t answer at all. I don’t know how much it’ll pay, or any of the details, really. I meet with the GM on Monday to discuss what he’s offering, since he seems desperate, but I wouldn’t take the job till we talk terms and I see the office, and meet the controller, meet the office manager, and know how the store is doing. Since it’s a sister store, it’s not like I’m oblivious to what’s been going on there. I’m well aware. Also, since I’m not unemployed it’s not like I HAVE to take the job. I’m quite comfortable where I am… but I’m interested.

Unfortunately, I just can’t DO anything about these worries right now. I hate life in transition, but I can’t really blow these things off or speed them up. It’s frustrating, but I’m just going to have to see how thing play out and make decisions as the time line allows….

I wish I could jump to May… I’d know what I did.