Idk… Fuck.

I went on a date last night. Last minute thing, but I’ve been talking to a guy for like a week and he asked to buy me a drink.

He’s not a really hot guy, but he’s an interesting nerd. I’m all about interesting nerds, you know. In particular, he like to RPG. That’s cool, cuz I always wanted to learn D&D stuff. Remember the robot boy that was supposed to teach me? I’m totes down to become more nerd.

Anyways, long story short, we hung out for like three hours and than I took him back to his apt, cuz it was close by and he ubered there. I was confused because not once did he touch me. No hand shake, no attempted kiss or hug… and I wasn’t sure if he didn’t like me or if he’s just hella respectful.

So I sent him https://inspirobot.me today, because errybawdie needs that in their life, and he takes that opportunity to explain that he’s in a long distance relationship with a girl who will be moving out her to him as soon as she can, but in the meantime they have an open relationship.

I’m not devastated, but I’m mad.

I wasn’t in love or anything, but I would kind of like to have sex again before I die… I don’t do poly, so that’s not a thing that’s going to happen. At the same time, I’m trying really hard not to be TOO mad, because I could use a new friend who’s interesting… but we met under such false pretense, and now I’m mad.

I know I’m asexual and aromantic, but like… I’m lonely and I’d like to have sex. I’m getting too close to 30 to be the girl that gets wasted and goes home with a stranger… but no one really wants to date me. I’m discouraged. I’m pissed off. I’m generally unhappy about all of this.

What’s wrong with me?

The Nice Robot Boy

A while back, not really sure how long (roughly June), but a while back I met a guy from the internet. This isn’t new behavior for me. He seemed really nice and pretty interesting, so I agreed to meet him at a local goth bar for a drink.

Neither of us are real gothy. I don’t actually think he EVER was, but it’s a place he likes in Denver, and I always liked the look and feel of Double Daughters myself… so whatever. We were both early. We were both awkward. We got into an argument about whether baby would be best served with white or brown gravy… White… obviously…

It was a particularly strange time, but it was fun.

Then some time passed, and he asked me out again. During the passage of time, which might’ve been over a month, to be honest, we chatted on Facebook. We’re both introvert-y kinds of people, so it was really pretty fine. Also, I wasn’t ACHING to go on another date. I like having plans, but I’m still real unsure about the whole romantic thing at this point in my life… seems so unnecessary. Also I’m aromantic, so like… I’m okay with distance… We chatted regularly, though. He always gets my attention the same way, which is that he says, “beep.” I often reply with “boop.” Together we are strange as the day is long.

He’s a robot boy… I am an android girl. We are very awkward.

So we went to a Hawaiian place with the intent of getting Spam tacos (which are decided better tasting than they sound… Hawaiians really know how to cook Spam). We ended up eating Cuban sandwiches and playing Pokemon GO. I took my first gym that day. It was awesome.

Then there was time again.

He asked me and a friend to come up and play Pathfinder with him and some friends. They do it every Friday, I guess. It was a LONG MFing drive… and it cost me $21 because taking the toll road seemed faster than going around. It was a weirdly good time. Not a lot happened story-wise, but it was hilarious. I was an Orc Rouge… so that was neat. My friend was a Gnome Mage. That was hilarious.

Then more time… and then…

We, being overweight taco lovers, decided to get tacos for real this time. We went to Torchy’s, which I’d never been to, and it turns out he hadn’t been to it, either. It was a good time. Good taco. Then, we couldn’t decide what to do. His friends were one direction on Broadway, mine were the opposite. We went with mine, cuz I figured we’d make an appearance, then we could go hang out with his friends who were out drinking like monsters.

My friends were playing a 90s set at a lil bar/record store. Their band is a ridiculous acoustic cover band that incorporates the use of kazoo… so it’s a good time. We hung out till well after the set ended and talked and laughed. It was a lot of fun.

This time, there was no time in between. He invited me up to his place for a bad movie night. His apartment complex is 45 mins away from me. So there’s that. Also, it’s like a weird horror movie setup. It’s on top of this hill and it looks like an insane asylum or something. It’s huge. Nice apartment, though. We had a great time. I showed him The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera and Tusk, and he showed me The Room, which is awful…

We’re supposed to get together this weekend, too, but I don’t know what we’ll do.

I like him. I don’t wanna have sex with him, though… that asexuality thing is a bitch… I don’t even really like kissing him… but I don’t like kissing anyone… so that’s not saying much. I’m worried that might be a problem later, though… We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… met me a robot boy.

Reception

Back in May I found out that my ex got married when his wife posted their wedding pics and tagged him in all of them on FB (they were actually married in April). I thought I made a blog entry about it, but I couldn’t find one. I think I just drank a lot, instead. I remember doing that, for sure.

Today my ex invited me to his wedding reception, which his wife is calling their “Happily Ever After Party.” That’s cute. I like it. I bet she’s really nice. I hope they’re happy. It’s also really nice he invited me. I don’t want to go, but it’s nice he invited me.

Don’t get it twisted, I am not still in love with my ex.
The thing is that A, I hate weddings and wedding kinds of things, and 2, I’m busy wallowing in my own misery and loneliness.

You see, I’ve been single for four years. I haven’t has a serious relationship since then, and I was totally fine with that until he got married. When he got married, I was reminded that I’ve been single for four years without even a serious INTEREST in another human being. Meanwhile, he was off cultivating a nice relationship with a nice girl and married her, just like he always wanted. It just made me feel like I’m not trying or something. Like, by movie rules I should at least have found a new boyfriend or discovered I was a lesbian or something.

I mean, I did reconcile with the fact I’m asexual and aromantic, and I guess counts since I got to deal with all those messed up feelings that I’ve been pushing down for the better part of 13 years, but we’ve gone over how that doesn’t really help me with any feelings of discontent. I’m still an insufferably lonely person, and all being aro ace adds to that is that it’s 99.999% harder to find someone. I mean, who wants to put in time with someone that doesn’t care for romance and doesn’t wanna fuck you? What am I bringing to the dating table here? Nothing. I’m bringing nothing.

If this were another person I’d be telling them to forget dating and really just enjoy their friendships, as well as them just going out and meeting people that do things they do. As we’ve also discussed, I don’t have friends and I don’t meet people when I go out. I recently realized that I’m so out of touch with the people that are supposed to be my friends, that I didn’t know that the group split because two of them aren’t talking to each other anymore. I can’t tell you what any of them are doing. I have totally cut myself off from them… and you know what? I don’t miss them.
Am I lonely? You bet your ass, but I don’t miss them.

I dunno why my ex’s marriage bothers me so much. I cut him loose because I didn’t want to get married and I knew he did. I still don’t wanna get married, like to anyone, but like in my head, all I can hear is my mom and her relentless insistence that I find someone so that I’m not completely alone when she dies. I finally got her to stop saying it in real life, but she’s said it so much in my life that it’s permanently ingrained on my brain that I’m going to be completely alone after she dies.

The closest I’ve gotten to dating recently is an extreme introvert that I occasionally get tacos with. I’m not romantically interested in him, but he’s nice. Neither of us really like being out on the town, though, and he lives way up north… so I never want to go see him. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but over an hour’s drive to get there is just a lot… and I have to go home after since I have the pets, so that racks up to over 2 hours of driving just to hang out for a minute with a guy that barely talks, and his equally introverted hermit roommates. It’s not my bag.

I guess what bugs me is that none of this bugged me till I found out that he was married, and I was once again okay with myself after I found out, until he invited me to the reception. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I dunno why his life has any impact on mine…

I just hate everything, I guess.

Mixed Signals

It’s occurred to me that I am sending out the most ridiculous mixed signals ever.

I’ve been single so long that any traditional signs of affection just register as needy and clingy to me. I realized this was a problem when SupaNerd left on Sunday… because after spending the afternoon making up excuses to get up so he couldn’t nap ON me, I put a chair between us when he was leaving so he couldn’t hug me or anything.
In response, he fist-bumped me and said: “Later.”
He may as well have called me bro… and that is hilarious, but also overwhelmingly my own damn fault. Lol.

I tend to greet him (and most other people I’ve known less than 10 years) with an awkward sideways hug, because I don’t like hugs… They feel like traps. Like he won’t let go and then someone else will pop out of a bush and bash me over the head and I’ll wake up in a motel bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney and a note that says CALL 911 taped to the toilet seat. I do know that’s crazy irrational, but that’s how hugs feel.

We’ve held hands when we’re out, but we haven’t kissed or properly hugged, even.
We obviously haven’t had sex (or is that not as obvious as I think it is?), but he hasn’t brought any of that up, so I guess he’s just playing it by ear.

My friend that broke up with his significant other the night I got trapped in an elevator while on a date laughed out loud at the fact that the night he went through a break up, his aromantic asexual friend was on a fairly successful date with someone. It was right then I realized that at some point I’m going to have to address to this guy that I’m not really just playing hard to get.

I’ve been happily single for three or four years, now and I’m an aromantic asexual. This makes me the specialist of snowflakes in the standard dating world… because why the fuck am I even dating? The answer is simply that I’m looking to pin someone down that likes my company. Some have said that me initiating a romantic relationship on that premise is abuse, because I’m never going to love someone the way I’m supposed to…

SupaNerd’s last relationship was a failed engagement… I don’t actually know how long ago that was. I do know that he’s accustomed to a certain level of physical contact that I’m totally rejecting. He’s trying to figure out the common ground.

I guess I’ll prolly have to address that if I keep seeing him…

I question if I wanna keep seeing him, though. It’s progressively more clear that he’s more traditional than I ever gleamed myself to be… He wants to take care of women in his life. He wants to move his sister out here and take care of her because she’s a single mother. Also, the fact she is a single mother somehow made her an idiot… I have a problem with that. We didn’t get that far into it… but I’m not looking for someone to take of me… at all. If that’s what he’s seeking in a woman, this ain’t gonna work. I’m not needy, I’m not delicate, and I don’t need a man to take care of me.

So…. we’ll see where this goes, I guess…

Super Don’t

So I was talking to this guy on OkCupid back in November and December. He wasn’t really that interesting but these days I try to give everyone a proper shot. Our schedules never lined up for a real meeting, and then he went radio silent in mid-December.

I wasn’t about to lose over it. It’s not uncommon for internet conversations to die out.

About a month later, he sends me this at 9pm on a Wednesday:

“Hey, so we were talking and I enjoy chatting with you. The thing is I was…. I was curious if you remembered me. I thought maybe you did? Or maybe you would? We were already together. And by that I mean we dated slightly and had sex a couple of times. It was 7 yrs ago. I never forget a face. Especially a beautiful one lol. I immediately knew your name. I even remember basically where you use to live. As far as what happened? Idk your not sexual or you seem kind put off by everything then, and you just disappeared. I guess I’m telling you because I just wanted to be honest.”

So let’s start with, I super don’t remember this human being at all.
I drank a lot when I was 20. I also got around. The ages of 17 to about 23/24 are a blur of alcohol and dick. They all blur together and I don’t remember anyone in particular outside of the people I actually had a really real relationship with. I used to keep track, because when I get a pap-smear sometimes the nurse asks me how many partners I’ve had, and it’s always an awkward moment when the fat chick in the room just looks at you and says, “I dunno.” Once, when I was 18 she told me to count real quick and I was like… it’s over 30… do I tell her it’s over 30? I refuse to answer the question, now. I tell the nurse that I’ll discuss it with my doctor.

I don’t regret that, just to be clear.
I’m not ashamed in the least. If I were a dude I’d get a trophy for the amount of sex I’ve had in my life, but because I’m a chick it’s supposed to be shameful. Fuck that. I regret nothing. I was the queen of hit it and quit it. Mostly I used a lot of them for free food… but my ulterior motives don’t diminish my bitchin’ dick score.

Anyways.
I ended up being honest… I debated lying and pretending to remember, but I was worried he might ask follow up questions, and since that whole part of my life is just a blur, I would prolly fuck that up. I never lie if I doubt that I can follow through with it.

I asked him how we even met, trying to spark a memory… Just for the sake of remembering if he’s one of the ones that had a weird kink, or was really bad at sex, or maybe he was just boring as shit…
Apparently I picked him up at a club, proceeded to take him to a gay club, then took him home and after about a week I ghosted him.
I’m so class. (please note the sarcasm) Sounds like me, though!
I remember nothing.

So, obviously shit is different now… I’m an aromantic asexual that would rather punch you in the throat than let you get your dick near me. I don’t blame that on being over-sexed. It’s just who I am at the moment. Shit changes. People don’t changes, but everything else does.

He still wanted to talk to me, especially knowing that I wasn’t messing with him and seriously didn’t remember him. Apparently… I’m gorgeous. (duh). Also, I seem to have left a good impression in spite of being the female embodiment of every douche college guy that picks up girls in nightclubs. He remembers me as spunky, funny, Invader Zim loving chain smoker.

I guess that’s nice.

But he’s boring as shit…. I know that’s awful… but he is… he really is.

But… I shall try not to judge till I see him in person… whenever that might be, since he’s got a whack work schedule.

Why is this my life?

Sometimes Aro Sucks

I don’t know why sometimes shit bothers me more often than other days. I’d kill for something constant in my emotional spectrum.
Today being aromantic bothers me.

I’m a special kind of nothing. I’m asexual and aromantic.

Part of me wishes I was just a little more agender so I could claim that and complete my all around absence of characteristics… but I don’t think just generally being uncomfortable as a human being in the gender binary counts, for me, as a valid reason to identify as agender. I just buy the chick clothes and let it go.

Being asexual is often frustrating because people don’t understand the concept… but sooner or later you get lumped in with abstinence or celibacy and they just kind of brush it off.
I’m fine with that, myself. I’m all about people being apathetic about my little uncommon traits.
I think apathy is better than acceptance, because people don’t have to accept it. It’s just more of a, “You don’t feel sexual attraction? Okay… I don’t really get that, but whatever. Let’s get a burger.” I feel like that’s a normal, healthy response to things, and requires significantly less from the person you’re speaking to. I mean if someone came out to you as straight… unless they have some VERY unique personality characteristics, you’re not gonna care. It’s just whatever…

Being aromantic is different. An asexual is still probably looking for their soul mate, and trying to figure out how to make relationships work, and they’re still on that journey that all people are on to find their other half to complete, or compliment, them (depending on how codependent they are). They could still be in a romantic comedy released on Valentine’s Day, with their asexuality being part of the laughs… and then prolly totally disrespected by them finding THE ONE that makes sex great and they were never really asexual in the first place… and they ride off into the sunset while fucking on the back of a white horse.

Aromantics, to many people I’ve spoken with, sound like Psychopaths. We don’t want a relationship. We don’t believe we need another person to complete us. We can have great friendships, but we don’t want that to develop into something romantic… and if it starts to, there’s a chance we’re gonna have to cut you loose. That’s not to say all aromantics are opposed to relationships, just like not all asexuals are opposed to sex, but wrapping your brain around someone not wanting to find someone to spend their lives with sounds crazy about 90% of the time.

So if you take this, and apply it to my interactions with people, either my friends are married (mixture of happily and unhappily) or they are single as fuck. Apparently, being single as fuck drives people insane.
I hang out on dating sites because it’s fun to make fuckboys cry and because it makes my mom feel better when I occasionally get a date. (It makes her feel like I’m trying.) I guess other people are actually trying to find love on these sites. You can’t.

It severely depresses people to scroll through all the available singles in their area only to see that everyone is awful.
My matches, for instance, are all overweight, balding, introverted mega nerds with poor social skills. I’m not super picky about looks, cuz let’s be real… I’m probably not going to fuck you anyways… but even I have a line. That line is, “strikes me as a potential pedophile obsessed with young Asian girls as a result of watching too much anime alone in a dark room instead of speaking to human beings.”
But I know that all my matches are going to be awful. I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m just dicking around on the computer.

I’m the queen of internet dating. I’ve been doing it since before other people really latched onto the concept and began toying with it. My first “relationship” was with a kid halfway across the continent. I didn’t meet him till way later. It was a weird time.

Anyways, so when people I know get on these websites and complain, I just look at them like, “yeah, duh, that’s what’s on a dating site…” If these people were really datable, they wouldn’t be on a dating site. Are there potentially datable people on a dating site? In theory, yes, but the chances you’re going to meet those people on a dating site are so slim that it could model high fashion during the heroin chic 90s.

I, personally, just don’t get it.
I, also, don’t feel the need to even really sustain friendships at this point, though. Yeah, I have some people I go see at karaoke… but I have no idea what’s happening in their lives. We don’t associate if I don’t show up. Yeah, I have some people I go to shows with… but we don’t associate unless we’re going to the same concert. I haven’t seen Bird in months. Besties 1 & 2 live out of state. I have a coworker that I’m friends with and we do stuff, but it’s a pretty artificial relationship. She wouldn’t call me for dating advice or to help her move. She’s got better friends for that.
That shit used to bother me, but now I totally embrace it. People come with baggage and shit… and I don’t have time for that.

The thing is, though… My distant stance on interpersonal relationships makes me… not… relatable. That’s not so bad when you’re avoiding contact with people… but when you’re legitimately trying to understand someone or give some comforting advice… I just end up sounding like a heartless freak. And maybe I am, but there’s that feeling.

It’s a feeling I get a lot, in a lot of different kind of situations… but it’s where you’ve said something that you feel is relevant or interesting… and people just side step you. Happens to me all the time, not with just romantic or sexual things. I’ll bring up an interesting fact, and no thinks it’s interesting. I’ll make a comment on my interpretation of something, and no one thinks it’s worth talking about anymore. My mother literally just talks over me sometimes… Like me saying ANYTHING is probably the wrong thing to do right then….

And that’s why being aro today sucks. I’m being side-stepped because I’m incapable of relating. Makes me feel stupid.

The Ex. Again.

I ran into him again!

I went to a show last night. It was six local bands, a burlesque troupe, and a fashion show. Sounds fun, right? I thought so. I invited Cat and she brought her friend with her, but they aren’t “show” people. They’re more club people. So they didn’t stay that long. In the meantime… I fucking saw my ex again.

It’s baffling, really, the emotion that sweeps over me when I see him. It’s not remorse, or longing, or heartache, or any of the things NORMAL people usually associate with an ex…. It’s a lot of rage and the feeling of being invaded. I haven’t seen him in years, aside from passing him on the street when I went to the museum with Billie, so you’d think that I’d just let it go. No. I can never let it go. All the rage, wrath, injustice, and general loathing that I ever had for him is still there, floating just underneath the skin, ready to boil over at any minute like unwatched ramen noodles set too high. If I look in the mirror long enough I can see the contempt swirling around beneath my face.

I’ve heard of people seeing red and losing themselves in their rage, but that never happens to me. Everything stays quite clear, except that my brain is rushed with thoughts like, DRAG HIM INTO THE STREET AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AS WITNESS TO HIS EXECUTION. I haven’t done it, yet, but if he keeps popping up at places I’m at, it might be the winning argument. This is my world, those were my bands, my show, my scene, my haunt. If he’s going to invade my territory, eventually we are going to tangle.

I was doing okay with his appearance, as okay as one can when every fiber of your being is screaming for you to murder someone, at least, until Cat and her friend left. I was then left relatively alone. Shows are weird for me that way, because it’s not that I don’t know anyone, but I know the bands… and the bands are there for business, so it feels like I don’t know anyone since they get busy. In poor judgement, as I tend to have under strained thoughts of homicide, I started drinking pretty fast… too fast… somewhere in there I tapped him on the shoulder and said hello and that he looked great (and he did, which pissed me off… I wanted to like kill him while fucking him in that moment, which is weird for me for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that I don’t experience sexual attraction…), and then pretended I had people to go talk to… Now, it seems really pathetic, but honestly I felt better afterward. I showed I didn’t need to avidly ignore him. It might pay off in the long run…. Shortly after that, though, I threw up vodka in a trashcan on the patio and left…. I should have waited, but people saw me, so I got in my car and left. I did stop at an all night diner and eat, though. I know that doesn’t make me less drunk, but it did make me a safer driver, since it gave me something to soak the booze up with and I didn’t feel drunk and disoriented afterward. So… made it home.

I wish I could will myself to let my grudge go. It’s like a poison in my chest. Makes me sick to think about, even. I just can’t, though.He ruined two rooms in my house that I’m JUST NOW getting back, because I couldn’t afford to fix the flooring.He took away my sense of safety in my house when he got attacked by drug dealers and MY address was the one on his license. He wouldn’t fucking get out. He couldn’t pay rent. He cut his thumb off because he went to work high, but then they didn’t test him so he got to keep his job and he walked out on it. Like… It’s just so much offense, and I can’t let it go.

One thing bothers me, though… I know I didn’t love after him…. I liked Grant, and he was a sweet guy, but I had to cut him loose because I didn’t love him. My question is whether I loved before him? Did me make me Aromantic? I don’t know. But if did, if he took my ability to care about people in a romantic way, and a generally platonic way, because I can’t trust anyone… doesn’t that kind of offense deserve a punishment? I mean, I know that drug dealer set him on fire and everything… but… that wasn’t MY punishment.