An Aromantic In Love

My new relationship has made me question my identity.

I spent a lot of years figuring out my identity. I didn’t have much of one in high school, and it took a while to build one and figure myself out. It was a journey of self discovery that ended in my identification as aromantic and asexual. And even after I determined that was me, it still took a while after that to embrace what those meant and what I was admitting to.

This much time later, I find myself in love with someone I look forward to having sex with… and that’s caused me some emotional distress.

I was in love once, a long time ago, with a cis hetero woman that didn’t love me back. She was the only person I’ve been able to say that I was in love with… and even now there’s a lingering ache when I think about her. After that I was jaded. I dated, and I told people I loved them, but I was never IN love with anyone.

My six year stint of single life was fine. I enjoyed it. I was happy with it. My failed attempts at finding a significant other, or a sex partner, just proved to reinforce my aromantic and asexual nature. I grew to cherish that identity. I grew to love myself and who I was, even though it was a hard thing to try and explain to anyone.

And then I met Chris.

I don’t know that WE are in love, but I am in love with him… which is admittedly terrifying and weird. I think about him all the time. I’m excited to see. I’m excited when he texts me. My heart jumps when I’m around him. I treasure every moment spent holding his hand while he gazes into my eyes. I love when we get together and do something. I love when we get together and do nothing. Whether having outrageously fun sex or watching Gravity Falls, I’m just excited to be with him. I’m intentionally overlooking things I previously said would be total deal breakers. He’s financially shot, living with his parents, has two kids, and is still married… but I’m not in it for financial stability, and I love Addison, can’t wait to meet his older daughter, and I don’t really care if he’s married, so long as they’re very separated. And that… that just proves my point.

I’m in love.

I’m not saying I want to get a house together next month and plan a marriage… cuz I don’t want that. I don’t have room in my life for that kind of thing. I love him and his daughter, but my home life isn’t ready for someone to be here all the time. I never want to get married. I want a future, but I’m not planning a future.

It’s weird to be in love. It’s foreign to me, and it scares me terribly. Still, it’s so addicting. I just want him around. I wanna plan fun days for me and his daughter to bond over and shit. It’s a weird new feeling…. b

But at the end of the day… I’m still aromantic and I’m still asexual. I’m in love with Chris and I wanna fuck Chris… but I still don’t wanna fuck anyone else and I still don’t want my life to be a Nicholas Sparks novel. This relationship doesn’t invalidate my identity. It just means right now he’s my exception. I’m on the far end of the spectrums, but it doesn’t mean I’m devoid. It just means they have to be really special.

I’m sure the day will come when this falls apart and I’ll regret all these feelings… but for now I’m just so happy. And I hope that even if this all falls apart I can always hold on to how happy I am right now.

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Idk… Fuck.

I went on a date last night. Last minute thing, but I’ve been talking to a guy for like a week and he asked to buy me a drink.

He’s not a really hot guy, but he’s an interesting nerd. I’m all about interesting nerds, you know. In particular, he like to RPG. That’s cool, cuz I always wanted to learn D&D stuff. Remember the robot boy that was supposed to teach me? I’m totes down to become more nerd.

Anyways, long story short, we hung out for like three hours and than I took him back to his apt, cuz it was close by and he ubered there. I was confused because not once did he touch me. No hand shake, no attempted kiss or hug… and I wasn’t sure if he didn’t like me or if he’s just hella respectful.

So I sent him https://inspirobot.me today, because errybawdie needs that in their life, and he takes that opportunity to explain that he’s in a long distance relationship with a girl who will be moving out her to him as soon as she can, but in the meantime they have an open relationship.

I’m not devastated, but I’m mad.

I wasn’t in love or anything, but I would kind of like to have sex again before I die… I don’t do poly, so that’s not a thing that’s going to happen. At the same time, I’m trying really hard not to be TOO mad, because I could use a new friend who’s interesting… but we met under such false pretense, and now I’m mad.

I know I’m asexual and aromantic, but like… I’m lonely and I’d like to have sex. I’m getting too close to 30 to be the girl that gets wasted and goes home with a stranger… but no one really wants to date me. I’m discouraged. I’m pissed off. I’m generally unhappy about all of this.

What’s wrong with me?

The Nice Robot Boy

A while back, not really sure how long (roughly June), but a while back I met a guy from the internet. This isn’t new behavior for me. He seemed really nice and pretty interesting, so I agreed to meet him at a local goth bar for a drink.

Neither of us are real gothy. I don’t actually think he EVER was, but it’s a place he likes in Denver, and I always liked the look and feel of Double Daughters myself… so whatever. We were both early. We were both awkward. We got into an argument about whether baby would be best served with white or brown gravy… White… obviously…

It was a particularly strange time, but it was fun.

Then some time passed, and he asked me out again. During the passage of time, which might’ve been over a month, to be honest, we chatted on Facebook. We’re both introvert-y kinds of people, so it was really pretty fine. Also, I wasn’t ACHING to go on another date. I like having plans, but I’m still real unsure about the whole romantic thing at this point in my life… seems so unnecessary. Also I’m aromantic, so like… I’m okay with distance… We chatted regularly, though. He always gets my attention the same way, which is that he says, “beep.” I often reply with “boop.” Together we are strange as the day is long.

He’s a robot boy… I am an android girl. We are very awkward.

So we went to a Hawaiian place with the intent of getting Spam tacos (which are decided better tasting than they sound… Hawaiians really know how to cook Spam). We ended up eating Cuban sandwiches and playing Pokemon GO. I took my first gym that day. It was awesome.

Then there was time again.

He asked me and a friend to come up and play Pathfinder with him and some friends. They do it every Friday, I guess. It was a LONG MFing drive… and it cost me $21 because taking the toll road seemed faster than going around. It was a weirdly good time. Not a lot happened story-wise, but it was hilarious. I was an Orc Rouge… so that was neat. My friend was a Gnome Mage. That was hilarious.

Then more time… and then…

We, being overweight taco lovers, decided to get tacos for real this time. We went to Torchy’s, which I’d never been to, and it turns out he hadn’t been to it, either. It was a good time. Good taco. Then, we couldn’t decide what to do. His friends were one direction on Broadway, mine were the opposite. We went with mine, cuz I figured we’d make an appearance, then we could go hang out with his friends who were out drinking like monsters.

My friends were playing a 90s set at a lil bar/record store. Their band is a ridiculous acoustic cover band that incorporates the use of kazoo… so it’s a good time. We hung out till well after the set ended and talked and laughed. It was a lot of fun.

This time, there was no time in between. He invited me up to his place for a bad movie night. His apartment complex is 45 mins away from me. So there’s that. Also, it’s like a weird horror movie setup. It’s on top of this hill and it looks like an insane asylum or something. It’s huge. Nice apartment, though. We had a great time. I showed him The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera and Tusk, and he showed me The Room, which is awful…

We’re supposed to get together this weekend, too, but I don’t know what we’ll do.

I like him. I don’t wanna have sex with him, though… that asexuality thing is a bitch… I don’t even really like kissing him… but I don’t like kissing anyone… so that’s not saying much. I’m worried that might be a problem later, though… We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… met me a robot boy.

Reception

Back in May I found out that my ex got married when his wife posted their wedding pics and tagged him in all of them on FB (they were actually married in April). I thought I made a blog entry about it, but I couldn’t find one. I think I just drank a lot, instead. I remember doing that, for sure.

Today my ex invited me to his wedding reception, which his wife is calling their “Happily Ever After Party.” That’s cute. I like it. I bet she’s really nice. I hope they’re happy. It’s also really nice he invited me. I don’t want to go, but it’s nice he invited me.

Don’t get it twisted, I am not still in love with my ex.
The thing is that A, I hate weddings and wedding kinds of things, and 2, I’m busy wallowing in my own misery and loneliness.

You see, I’ve been single for four years. I haven’t has a serious relationship since then, and I was totally fine with that until he got married. When he got married, I was reminded that I’ve been single for four years without even a serious INTEREST in another human being. Meanwhile, he was off cultivating a nice relationship with a nice girl and married her, just like he always wanted. It just made me feel like I’m not trying or something. Like, by movie rules I should at least have found a new boyfriend or discovered I was a lesbian or something.

I mean, I did reconcile with the fact I’m asexual and aromantic, and I guess counts since I got to deal with all those messed up feelings that I’ve been pushing down for the better part of 13 years, but we’ve gone over how that doesn’t really help me with any feelings of discontent. I’m still an insufferably lonely person, and all being aro ace adds to that is that it’s 99.999% harder to find someone. I mean, who wants to put in time with someone that doesn’t care for romance and doesn’t wanna fuck you? What am I bringing to the dating table here? Nothing. I’m bringing nothing.

If this were another person I’d be telling them to forget dating and really just enjoy their friendships, as well as them just going out and meeting people that do things they do. As we’ve also discussed, I don’t have friends and I don’t meet people when I go out. I recently realized that I’m so out of touch with the people that are supposed to be my friends, that I didn’t know that the group split because two of them aren’t talking to each other anymore. I can’t tell you what any of them are doing. I have totally cut myself off from them… and you know what? I don’t miss them.
Am I lonely? You bet your ass, but I don’t miss them.

I dunno why my ex’s marriage bothers me so much. I cut him loose because I didn’t want to get married and I knew he did. I still don’t wanna get married, like to anyone, but like in my head, all I can hear is my mom and her relentless insistence that I find someone so that I’m not completely alone when she dies. I finally got her to stop saying it in real life, but she’s said it so much in my life that it’s permanently ingrained on my brain that I’m going to be completely alone after she dies.

The closest I’ve gotten to dating recently is an extreme introvert that I occasionally get tacos with. I’m not romantically interested in him, but he’s nice. Neither of us really like being out on the town, though, and he lives way up north… so I never want to go see him. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but over an hour’s drive to get there is just a lot… and I have to go home after since I have the pets, so that racks up to over 2 hours of driving just to hang out for a minute with a guy that barely talks, and his equally introverted hermit roommates. It’s not my bag.

I guess what bugs me is that none of this bugged me till I found out that he was married, and I was once again okay with myself after I found out, until he invited me to the reception. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I dunno why his life has any impact on mine…

I just hate everything, I guess.

Mixed Signals

It’s occurred to me that I am sending out the most ridiculous mixed signals ever.

I’ve been single so long that any traditional signs of affection just register as needy and clingy to me. I realized this was a problem when SupaNerd left on Sunday… because after spending the afternoon making up excuses to get up so he couldn’t nap ON me, I put a chair between us when he was leaving so he couldn’t hug me or anything.
In response, he fist-bumped me and said: “Later.”
He may as well have called me bro… and that is hilarious, but also overwhelmingly my own damn fault. Lol.

I tend to greet him (and most other people I’ve known less than 10 years) with an awkward sideways hug, because I don’t like hugs… They feel like traps. Like he won’t let go and then someone else will pop out of a bush and bash me over the head and I’ll wake up in a motel bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney and a note that says CALL 911 taped to the toilet seat. I do know that’s crazy irrational, but that’s how hugs feel.

We’ve held hands when we’re out, but we haven’t kissed or properly hugged, even.
We obviously haven’t had sex (or is that not as obvious as I think it is?), but he hasn’t brought any of that up, so I guess he’s just playing it by ear.

My friend that broke up with his significant other the night I got trapped in an elevator while on a date laughed out loud at the fact that the night he went through a break up, his aromantic asexual friend was on a fairly successful date with someone. It was right then I realized that at some point I’m going to have to address to this guy that I’m not really just playing hard to get.

I’ve been happily single for three or four years, now and I’m an aromantic asexual. This makes me the specialist of snowflakes in the standard dating world… because why the fuck am I even dating? The answer is simply that I’m looking to pin someone down that likes my company. Some have said that me initiating a romantic relationship on that premise is abuse, because I’m never going to love someone the way I’m supposed to…

SupaNerd’s last relationship was a failed engagement… I don’t actually know how long ago that was. I do know that he’s accustomed to a certain level of physical contact that I’m totally rejecting. He’s trying to figure out the common ground.

I guess I’ll prolly have to address that if I keep seeing him…

I question if I wanna keep seeing him, though. It’s progressively more clear that he’s more traditional than I ever gleamed myself to be… He wants to take care of women in his life. He wants to move his sister out here and take care of her because she’s a single mother. Also, the fact she is a single mother somehow made her an idiot… I have a problem with that. We didn’t get that far into it… but I’m not looking for someone to take of me… at all. If that’s what he’s seeking in a woman, this ain’t gonna work. I’m not needy, I’m not delicate, and I don’t need a man to take care of me.

So…. we’ll see where this goes, I guess…

Super Don’t

So I was talking to this guy on OkCupid back in November and December. He wasn’t really that interesting but these days I try to give everyone a proper shot. Our schedules never lined up for a real meeting, and then he went radio silent in mid-December.

I wasn’t about to lose over it. It’s not uncommon for internet conversations to die out.

About a month later, he sends me this at 9pm on a Wednesday:

“Hey, so we were talking and I enjoy chatting with you. The thing is I was…. I was curious if you remembered me. I thought maybe you did? Or maybe you would? We were already together. And by that I mean we dated slightly and had sex a couple of times. It was 7 yrs ago. I never forget a face. Especially a beautiful one lol. I immediately knew your name. I even remember basically where you use to live. As far as what happened? Idk your not sexual or you seem kind put off by everything then, and you just disappeared. I guess I’m telling you because I just wanted to be honest.”

So let’s start with, I super don’t remember this human being at all.
I drank a lot when I was 20. I also got around. The ages of 17 to about 23/24 are a blur of alcohol and dick. They all blur together and I don’t remember anyone in particular outside of the people I actually had a really real relationship with. I used to keep track, because when I get a pap-smear sometimes the nurse asks me how many partners I’ve had, and it’s always an awkward moment when the fat chick in the room just looks at you and says, “I dunno.” Once, when I was 18 she told me to count real quick and I was like… it’s over 30… do I tell her it’s over 30? I refuse to answer the question, now. I tell the nurse that I’ll discuss it with my doctor.

I don’t regret that, just to be clear.
I’m not ashamed in the least. If I were a dude I’d get a trophy for the amount of sex I’ve had in my life, but because I’m a chick it’s supposed to be shameful. Fuck that. I regret nothing. I was the queen of hit it and quit it. Mostly I used a lot of them for free food… but my ulterior motives don’t diminish my bitchin’ dick score.

Anyways.
I ended up being honest… I debated lying and pretending to remember, but I was worried he might ask follow up questions, and since that whole part of my life is just a blur, I would prolly fuck that up. I never lie if I doubt that I can follow through with it.

I asked him how we even met, trying to spark a memory… Just for the sake of remembering if he’s one of the ones that had a weird kink, or was really bad at sex, or maybe he was just boring as shit…
Apparently I picked him up at a club, proceeded to take him to a gay club, then took him home and after about a week I ghosted him.
I’m so class. (please note the sarcasm) Sounds like me, though!
I remember nothing.

So, obviously shit is different now… I’m an aromantic asexual that would rather punch you in the throat than let you get your dick near me. I don’t blame that on being over-sexed. It’s just who I am at the moment. Shit changes. People don’t changes, but everything else does.

He still wanted to talk to me, especially knowing that I wasn’t messing with him and seriously didn’t remember him. Apparently… I’m gorgeous. (duh). Also, I seem to have left a good impression in spite of being the female embodiment of every douche college guy that picks up girls in nightclubs. He remembers me as spunky, funny, Invader Zim loving chain smoker.

I guess that’s nice.

But he’s boring as shit…. I know that’s awful… but he is… he really is.

But… I shall try not to judge till I see him in person… whenever that might be, since he’s got a whack work schedule.

Why is this my life?

Totally Not My Business

So I’ve mentioned previously that I am friends with what I would call “An Inordinate Number of Poly People.”
Is it REALLY an inordinate number? I have no idea, but I know a lot of them.

Anyways, one of the primary couples are splitting up.

Of course, that’s none of my business, so I was excited to hear about it.

I don’t even understand how poly relationships really work, anyways, because even though I’m aromantic and asexual I am also a crazy possessive, jealous psycho. So the idea of sharing just doesn’t work with me. But, just because I don’t like relationships myself doesn’t mean I don’t like watching one deteriorate.

I never understood this couple, even if you remove the poly element. The guy is quiet, reserved, doesn’t like people to touch him, and doesn’t care for parties. He doesn’t say much in a crowd, and I have no idea how he’d manage to score multiple women, just because he’s so quiet. The girl is the opposite of that. She’s loud, outgoing, and tends to be too touchy-feely for my taste. I know that relationships aren’t for me to pick apart, but I never got this one.

A while back I was in a Facebook group for asexuality, because sometimes it’s nice to have that sense of community. I have since left, because communities are full of idiots, but before that the guy in this couple joined. He expressed surprise that I’m asexual and we chatted about it. He’s just coming around to the idea he probably is too, and he wanted to get together and talk about it sometime. I was not opposed, but we just never scheduled a time for it.

So when I saw that the girl was looking for a place to live, I had to ask why. The response was one of those big blocks of text you get when someone upset is telling you something. It breaks down to this:

  • Stuff’s been bad for a while
    • I already knew there was poly drama
  • He’s been trying to sabotage the relationship
    • Touches on that he’s autistic and depressed, but how that’s no excuse for his behavior
  • He wants to cuddle, but nothing sexual
    • She relates this to him just wanting a friend and not a relationship
  • He suggested them being “just friends” and how painful that was for her

Okay, so she’s equating love to sex. That bugs me, but I guess that’s how she sees it. Some people do. My mother doesn’t understand a romantic relationship devoid of sex, either. It’s a common kind of perspective. I can’t fault her for having a common and accepted perspective of love, even if my view differs greatly.

What I’m wondering… is whether she knows he’s venturing into identifying as asexual. I mean, that’s a weird, confusing thing for people to deal with. I just did that last year, and thank fuck I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time.

That kind of revelation… That moment when you realize that your feelings that you’ve been dealing with and suppressing aren’t necessarily strange and even if they are you’re not alone in feeling them… That’s a big fucking moment. You’re relieved, but you wonder if this is even a real thing. You like the sense of community and belonging, but wonder what this means for the future if you accept the label. You inevitably get depressed trying to think of a person you know that would be okay with a sexless relationship and coming up with NO ONE.

I don’t know what it’s like to accept that you’re homosexual or bisexual or trans. I would never try to explain that feeling and all the emotions that come with it. When you’re homosexual, though, even if everyone you personally know is some kind of terrible bigoted, hatefully religious, probably republican fear monger, we’ve reached a time in first world countries where you are aware that there’s a big, raging, beautiful LGBT community out there that will help you pick up the pieces of your shattered world and push you to just be overwhelmingly yourself. While they can’t put your life back together and they can’t fix the people in your life that might be shitheads about it, at least they are there and it’s relatively common knowledge that they are there. It doesn’t make everything better, but I would imagine it makes you feel just a little less alien during a time in your life when you think the world might end.

Being asexual is not like that at all. First, most asexuals just assume they’re probably hetero, and that sex is just over-hyped bullshit. Somewhere during puberty asexuals will feel out of place because all your friends talk about is which of the rest of your friends they wanna bump uglies with. (Puberty is revolting.) You justify it by thinking you’re a late bloomer, or maybe you sit down and seriously think if you might not be hetero and that’s why you don’t have those thoughts, or maybe you react like I did and jump on anything with a pulse because overcompensating totally works (it does not, but I thought it did). We had an LGBT Alliance at my school. All my friends from freshman year turned out to be gay (spoiler alert: not all of them are still gay… but that’s an entry for another day), so I was in that club. We talked a lot about lesbians, gay men, homophobia, hate crimes… not once did we talk about asexuality. We also didn’t cover that in health class, and I didn’t hear about the word till I was 26 and playing around on Tumblr.

Not experiencing sexual attraction just wasn’t a thing when I was growing up; so, my lack of feelings obviously indicated I was broken.

Not to go too deep into it, but high school was one big banner of me realizing I was broken in a myriad of ways. So, I just racked this up to, “more shit you need to learn to fake.” Also on that list was emotional stability, confidence, non-violent thoughts, and happiness.

This guy is older than me. So it’s been longer for him than it was for me to find out that there are other people in the world that have been faking sexuality. On top of that, he IS autistic and depressed. That wasn’t just hateful shit that comes flying out of a hurt person during a breakup, that’s actually his reality. So, while I feel for the girl, because I’m sure being broken up with hurts (I’ve never been broken up with in a really real relationship… because I’m the one that freaks out and leaves when shit gets weird), I have to look at this from all sides.

Not that it’s really any of my business.