The Nice Robot Boy

A while back, not really sure how long (roughly June), but a while back I met a guy from the internet. This isn’t new behavior for me. He seemed really nice and pretty interesting, so I agreed to meet him at a local goth bar for a drink.

Neither of us are real gothy. I don’t actually think he EVER was, but it’s a place he likes in Denver, and I always liked the look and feel of Double Daughters myself… so whatever. We were both early. We were both awkward. We got into an argument about whether baby would be best served with white or brown gravy… White… obviously…

It was a particularly strange time, but it was fun.

Then some time passed, and he asked me out again. During the passage of time, which might’ve been over a month, to be honest, we chatted on Facebook. We’re both introvert-y kinds of people, so it was really pretty fine. Also, I wasn’t ACHING to go on another date. I like having plans, but I’m still real unsure about the whole romantic thing at this point in my life… seems so unnecessary. Also I’m aromantic, so like… I’m okay with distance… We chatted regularly, though. He always gets my attention the same way, which is that he says, “beep.” I often reply with “boop.” Together we are strange as the day is long.

He’s a robot boy… I am an android girl. We are very awkward.

So we went to a Hawaiian place with the intent of getting Spam tacos (which are decided better tasting than they sound… Hawaiians really know how to cook Spam). We ended up eating Cuban sandwiches and playing Pokemon GO. I took my first gym that day. It was awesome.

Then there was time again.

He asked me and a friend to come up and play Pathfinder with him and some friends. They do it every Friday, I guess. It was a LONG MFing drive… and it cost me $21 because taking the toll road seemed faster than going around. It was a weirdly good time. Not a lot happened story-wise, but it was hilarious. I was an Orc Rouge… so that was neat. My friend was a Gnome Mage. That was hilarious.

Then more time… and then…

We, being overweight taco lovers, decided to get tacos for real this time. We went to Torchy’s, which I’d never been to, and it turns out he hadn’t been to it, either. It was a good time. Good taco. Then, we couldn’t decide what to do. His friends were one direction on Broadway, mine were the opposite. We went with mine, cuz I figured we’d make an appearance, then we could go hang out with his friends who were out drinking like monsters.

My friends were playing a 90s set at a lil bar/record store. Their band is a ridiculous acoustic cover band that incorporates the use of kazoo… so it’s a good time. We hung out till well after the set ended and talked and laughed. It was a lot of fun.

This time, there was no time in between. He invited me up to his place for a bad movie night. His apartment complex is 45 mins away from me. So there’s that. Also, it’s like a weird horror movie setup. It’s on top of this hill and it looks like an insane asylum or something. It’s huge. Nice apartment, though. We had a great time. I showed him The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera and Tusk, and he showed me The Room, which is awful…

We’re supposed to get together this weekend, too, but I don’t know what we’ll do.

I like him. I don’t wanna have sex with him, though… that asexuality thing is a bitch… I don’t even really like kissing him… but I don’t like kissing anyone… so that’s not saying much. I’m worried that might be a problem later, though… We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… met me a robot boy.

Reception

Back in May I found out that my ex got married when his wife posted their wedding pics and tagged him in all of them on FB (they were actually married in April). I thought I made a blog entry about it, but I couldn’t find one. I think I just drank a lot, instead. I remember doing that, for sure.

Today my ex invited me to his wedding reception, which his wife is calling their “Happily Ever After Party.” That’s cute. I like it. I bet she’s really nice. I hope they’re happy. It’s also really nice he invited me. I don’t want to go, but it’s nice he invited me.

Don’t get it twisted, I am not still in love with my ex.
The thing is that A, I hate weddings and wedding kinds of things, and 2, I’m busy wallowing in my own misery and loneliness.

You see, I’ve been single for four years. I haven’t has a serious relationship since then, and I was totally fine with that until he got married. When he got married, I was reminded that I’ve been single for four years without even a serious INTEREST in another human being. Meanwhile, he was off cultivating a nice relationship with a nice girl and married her, just like he always wanted. It just made me feel like I’m not trying or something. Like, by movie rules I should at least have found a new boyfriend or discovered I was a lesbian or something.

I mean, I did reconcile with the fact I’m asexual and aromantic, and I guess counts since I got to deal with all those messed up feelings that I’ve been pushing down for the better part of 13 years, but we’ve gone over how that doesn’t really help me with any feelings of discontent. I’m still an insufferably lonely person, and all being aro ace adds to that is that it’s 99.999% harder to find someone. I mean, who wants to put in time with someone that doesn’t care for romance and doesn’t wanna fuck you? What am I bringing to the dating table here? Nothing. I’m bringing nothing.

If this were another person I’d be telling them to forget dating and really just enjoy their friendships, as well as them just going out and meeting people that do things they do. As we’ve also discussed, I don’t have friends and I don’t meet people when I go out. I recently realized that I’m so out of touch with the people that are supposed to be my friends, that I didn’t know that the group split because two of them aren’t talking to each other anymore. I can’t tell you what any of them are doing. I have totally cut myself off from them… and you know what? I don’t miss them.
Am I lonely? You bet your ass, but I don’t miss them.

I dunno why my ex’s marriage bothers me so much. I cut him loose because I didn’t want to get married and I knew he did. I still don’t wanna get married, like to anyone, but like in my head, all I can hear is my mom and her relentless insistence that I find someone so that I’m not completely alone when she dies. I finally got her to stop saying it in real life, but she’s said it so much in my life that it’s permanently ingrained on my brain that I’m going to be completely alone after she dies.

The closest I’ve gotten to dating recently is an extreme introvert that I occasionally get tacos with. I’m not romantically interested in him, but he’s nice. Neither of us really like being out on the town, though, and he lives way up north… so I never want to go see him. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but over an hour’s drive to get there is just a lot… and I have to go home after since I have the pets, so that racks up to over 2 hours of driving just to hang out for a minute with a guy that barely talks, and his equally introverted hermit roommates. It’s not my bag.

I guess what bugs me is that none of this bugged me till I found out that he was married, and I was once again okay with myself after I found out, until he invited me to the reception. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I dunno why his life has any impact on mine…

I just hate everything, I guess.

Mixed Signals

It’s occurred to me that I am sending out the most ridiculous mixed signals ever.

I’ve been single so long that any traditional signs of affection just register as needy and clingy to me. I realized this was a problem when SupaNerd left on Sunday… because after spending the afternoon making up excuses to get up so he couldn’t nap ON me, I put a chair between us when he was leaving so he couldn’t hug me or anything.
In response, he fist-bumped me and said: “Later.”
He may as well have called me bro… and that is hilarious, but also overwhelmingly my own damn fault. Lol.

I tend to greet him (and most other people I’ve known less than 10 years) with an awkward sideways hug, because I don’t like hugs… They feel like traps. Like he won’t let go and then someone else will pop out of a bush and bash me over the head and I’ll wake up in a motel bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney and a note that says CALL 911 taped to the toilet seat. I do know that’s crazy irrational, but that’s how hugs feel.

We’ve held hands when we’re out, but we haven’t kissed or properly hugged, even.
We obviously haven’t had sex (or is that not as obvious as I think it is?), but he hasn’t brought any of that up, so I guess he’s just playing it by ear.

My friend that broke up with his significant other the night I got trapped in an elevator while on a date laughed out loud at the fact that the night he went through a break up, his aromantic asexual friend was on a fairly successful date with someone. It was right then I realized that at some point I’m going to have to address to this guy that I’m not really just playing hard to get.

I’ve been happily single for three or four years, now and I’m an aromantic asexual. This makes me the specialist of snowflakes in the standard dating world… because why the fuck am I even dating? The answer is simply that I’m looking to pin someone down that likes my company. Some have said that me initiating a romantic relationship on that premise is abuse, because I’m never going to love someone the way I’m supposed to…

SupaNerd’s last relationship was a failed engagement… I don’t actually know how long ago that was. I do know that he’s accustomed to a certain level of physical contact that I’m totally rejecting. He’s trying to figure out the common ground.

I guess I’ll prolly have to address that if I keep seeing him…

I question if I wanna keep seeing him, though. It’s progressively more clear that he’s more traditional than I ever gleamed myself to be… He wants to take care of women in his life. He wants to move his sister out here and take care of her because she’s a single mother. Also, the fact she is a single mother somehow made her an idiot… I have a problem with that. We didn’t get that far into it… but I’m not looking for someone to take of me… at all. If that’s what he’s seeking in a woman, this ain’t gonna work. I’m not needy, I’m not delicate, and I don’t need a man to take care of me.

So…. we’ll see where this goes, I guess…

Super Don’t

So I was talking to this guy on OkCupid back in November and December. He wasn’t really that interesting but these days I try to give everyone a proper shot. Our schedules never lined up for a real meeting, and then he went radio silent in mid-December.

I wasn’t about to lose over it. It’s not uncommon for internet conversations to die out.

About a month later, he sends me this at 9pm on a Wednesday:

“Hey, so we were talking and I enjoy chatting with you. The thing is I was…. I was curious if you remembered me. I thought maybe you did? Or maybe you would? We were already together. And by that I mean we dated slightly and had sex a couple of times. It was 7 yrs ago. I never forget a face. Especially a beautiful one lol. I immediately knew your name. I even remember basically where you use to live. As far as what happened? Idk your not sexual or you seem kind put off by everything then, and you just disappeared. I guess I’m telling you because I just wanted to be honest.”

So let’s start with, I super don’t remember this human being at all.
I drank a lot when I was 20. I also got around. The ages of 17 to about 23/24 are a blur of alcohol and dick. They all blur together and I don’t remember anyone in particular outside of the people I actually had a really real relationship with. I used to keep track, because when I get a pap-smear sometimes the nurse asks me how many partners I’ve had, and it’s always an awkward moment when the fat chick in the room just looks at you and says, “I dunno.” Once, when I was 18 she told me to count real quick and I was like… it’s over 30… do I tell her it’s over 30? I refuse to answer the question, now. I tell the nurse that I’ll discuss it with my doctor.

I don’t regret that, just to be clear.
I’m not ashamed in the least. If I were a dude I’d get a trophy for the amount of sex I’ve had in my life, but because I’m a chick it’s supposed to be shameful. Fuck that. I regret nothing. I was the queen of hit it and quit it. Mostly I used a lot of them for free food… but my ulterior motives don’t diminish my bitchin’ dick score.

Anyways.
I ended up being honest… I debated lying and pretending to remember, but I was worried he might ask follow up questions, and since that whole part of my life is just a blur, I would prolly fuck that up. I never lie if I doubt that I can follow through with it.

I asked him how we even met, trying to spark a memory… Just for the sake of remembering if he’s one of the ones that had a weird kink, or was really bad at sex, or maybe he was just boring as shit…
Apparently I picked him up at a club, proceeded to take him to a gay club, then took him home and after about a week I ghosted him.
I’m so class. (please note the sarcasm) Sounds like me, though!
I remember nothing.

So, obviously shit is different now… I’m an aromantic asexual that would rather punch you in the throat than let you get your dick near me. I don’t blame that on being over-sexed. It’s just who I am at the moment. Shit changes. People don’t changes, but everything else does.

He still wanted to talk to me, especially knowing that I wasn’t messing with him and seriously didn’t remember him. Apparently… I’m gorgeous. (duh). Also, I seem to have left a good impression in spite of being the female embodiment of every douche college guy that picks up girls in nightclubs. He remembers me as spunky, funny, Invader Zim loving chain smoker.

I guess that’s nice.

But he’s boring as shit…. I know that’s awful… but he is… he really is.

But… I shall try not to judge till I see him in person… whenever that might be, since he’s got a whack work schedule.

Why is this my life?

Totally Not My Business

So I’ve mentioned previously that I am friends with what I would call “An Inordinate Number of Poly People.”
Is it REALLY an inordinate number? I have no idea, but I know a lot of them.

Anyways, one of the primary couples are splitting up.

Of course, that’s none of my business, so I was excited to hear about it.

I don’t even understand how poly relationships really work, anyways, because even though I’m aromantic and asexual I am also a crazy possessive, jealous psycho. So the idea of sharing just doesn’t work with me. But, just because I don’t like relationships myself doesn’t mean I don’t like watching one deteriorate.

I never understood this couple, even if you remove the poly element. The guy is quiet, reserved, doesn’t like people to touch him, and doesn’t care for parties. He doesn’t say much in a crowd, and I have no idea how he’d manage to score multiple women, just because he’s so quiet. The girl is the opposite of that. She’s loud, outgoing, and tends to be too touchy-feely for my taste. I know that relationships aren’t for me to pick apart, but I never got this one.

A while back I was in a Facebook group for asexuality, because sometimes it’s nice to have that sense of community. I have since left, because communities are full of idiots, but before that the guy in this couple joined. He expressed surprise that I’m asexual and we chatted about it. He’s just coming around to the idea he probably is too, and he wanted to get together and talk about it sometime. I was not opposed, but we just never scheduled a time for it.

So when I saw that the girl was looking for a place to live, I had to ask why. The response was one of those big blocks of text you get when someone upset is telling you something. It breaks down to this:

  • Stuff’s been bad for a while
    • I already knew there was poly drama
  • He’s been trying to sabotage the relationship
    • Touches on that he’s autistic and depressed, but how that’s no excuse for his behavior
  • He wants to cuddle, but nothing sexual
    • She relates this to him just wanting a friend and not a relationship
  • He suggested them being “just friends” and how painful that was for her

Okay, so she’s equating love to sex. That bugs me, but I guess that’s how she sees it. Some people do. My mother doesn’t understand a romantic relationship devoid of sex, either. It’s a common kind of perspective. I can’t fault her for having a common and accepted perspective of love, even if my view differs greatly.

What I’m wondering… is whether she knows he’s venturing into identifying as asexual. I mean, that’s a weird, confusing thing for people to deal with. I just did that last year, and thank fuck I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time.

That kind of revelation… That moment when you realize that your feelings that you’ve been dealing with and suppressing aren’t necessarily strange and even if they are you’re not alone in feeling them… That’s a big fucking moment. You’re relieved, but you wonder if this is even a real thing. You like the sense of community and belonging, but wonder what this means for the future if you accept the label. You inevitably get depressed trying to think of a person you know that would be okay with a sexless relationship and coming up with NO ONE.

I don’t know what it’s like to accept that you’re homosexual or bisexual or trans. I would never try to explain that feeling and all the emotions that come with it. When you’re homosexual, though, even if everyone you personally know is some kind of terrible bigoted, hatefully religious, probably republican fear monger, we’ve reached a time in first world countries where you are aware that there’s a big, raging, beautiful LGBT community out there that will help you pick up the pieces of your shattered world and push you to just be overwhelmingly yourself. While they can’t put your life back together and they can’t fix the people in your life that might be shitheads about it, at least they are there and it’s relatively common knowledge that they are there. It doesn’t make everything better, but I would imagine it makes you feel just a little less alien during a time in your life when you think the world might end.

Being asexual is not like that at all. First, most asexuals just assume they’re probably hetero, and that sex is just over-hyped bullshit. Somewhere during puberty asexuals will feel out of place because all your friends talk about is which of the rest of your friends they wanna bump uglies with. (Puberty is revolting.) You justify it by thinking you’re a late bloomer, or maybe you sit down and seriously think if you might not be hetero and that’s why you don’t have those thoughts, or maybe you react like I did and jump on anything with a pulse because overcompensating totally works (it does not, but I thought it did). We had an LGBT Alliance at my school. All my friends from freshman year turned out to be gay (spoiler alert: not all of them are still gay… but that’s an entry for another day), so I was in that club. We talked a lot about lesbians, gay men, homophobia, hate crimes… not once did we talk about asexuality. We also didn’t cover that in health class, and I didn’t hear about the word till I was 26 and playing around on Tumblr.

Not experiencing sexual attraction just wasn’t a thing when I was growing up; so, my lack of feelings obviously indicated I was broken.

Not to go too deep into it, but high school was one big banner of me realizing I was broken in a myriad of ways. So, I just racked this up to, “more shit you need to learn to fake.” Also on that list was emotional stability, confidence, non-violent thoughts, and happiness.

This guy is older than me. So it’s been longer for him than it was for me to find out that there are other people in the world that have been faking sexuality. On top of that, he IS autistic and depressed. That wasn’t just hateful shit that comes flying out of a hurt person during a breakup, that’s actually his reality. So, while I feel for the girl, because I’m sure being broken up with hurts (I’ve never been broken up with in a really real relationship… because I’m the one that freaks out and leaves when shit gets weird), I have to look at this from all sides.

Not that it’s really any of my business.

The Ex. Again.

I ran into him again!

I went to a show last night. It was six local bands, a burlesque troupe, and a fashion show. Sounds fun, right? I thought so. I invited Cat and she brought her friend with her, but they aren’t “show” people. They’re more club people. So they didn’t stay that long. In the meantime… I fucking saw my ex again.

It’s baffling, really, the emotion that sweeps over me when I see him. It’s not remorse, or longing, or heartache, or any of the things NORMAL people usually associate with an ex…. It’s a lot of rage and the feeling of being invaded. I haven’t seen him in years, aside from passing him on the street when I went to the museum with Billie, so you’d think that I’d just let it go. No. I can never let it go. All the rage, wrath, injustice, and general loathing that I ever had for him is still there, floating just underneath the skin, ready to boil over at any minute like unwatched ramen noodles set too high. If I look in the mirror long enough I can see the contempt swirling around beneath my face.

I’ve heard of people seeing red and losing themselves in their rage, but that never happens to me. Everything stays quite clear, except that my brain is rushed with thoughts like, DRAG HIM INTO THE STREET AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AS WITNESS TO HIS EXECUTION. I haven’t done it, yet, but if he keeps popping up at places I’m at, it might be the winning argument. This is my world, those were my bands, my show, my scene, my haunt. If he’s going to invade my territory, eventually we are going to tangle.

I was doing okay with his appearance, as okay as one can when every fiber of your being is screaming for you to murder someone, at least, until Cat and her friend left. I was then left relatively alone. Shows are weird for me that way, because it’s not that I don’t know anyone, but I know the bands… and the bands are there for business, so it feels like I don’t know anyone since they get busy. In poor judgement, as I tend to have under strained thoughts of homicide, I started drinking pretty fast… too fast… somewhere in there I tapped him on the shoulder and said hello and that he looked great (and he did, which pissed me off… I wanted to like kill him while fucking him in that moment, which is weird for me for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that I don’t experience sexual attraction…), and then pretended I had people to go talk to… Now, it seems really pathetic, but honestly I felt better afterward. I showed I didn’t need to avidly ignore him. It might pay off in the long run…. Shortly after that, though, I threw up vodka in a trashcan on the patio and left…. I should have waited, but people saw me, so I got in my car and left. I did stop at an all night diner and eat, though. I know that doesn’t make me less drunk, but it did make me a safer driver, since it gave me something to soak the booze up with and I didn’t feel drunk and disoriented afterward. So… made it home.

I wish I could will myself to let my grudge go. It’s like a poison in my chest. Makes me sick to think about, even. I just can’t, though.He ruined two rooms in my house that I’m JUST NOW getting back, because I couldn’t afford to fix the flooring.He took away my sense of safety in my house when he got attacked by drug dealers and MY address was the one on his license. He wouldn’t fucking get out. He couldn’t pay rent. He cut his thumb off because he went to work high, but then they didn’t test him so he got to keep his job and he walked out on it. Like… It’s just so much offense, and I can’t let it go.

One thing bothers me, though… I know I didn’t love after him…. I liked Grant, and he was a sweet guy, but I had to cut him loose because I didn’t love him. My question is whether I loved before him? Did me make me Aromantic? I don’t know. But if did, if he took my ability to care about people in a romantic way, and a generally platonic way, because I can’t trust anyone… doesn’t that kind of offense deserve a punishment? I mean, I know that drug dealer set him on fire and everything… but… that wasn’t MY punishment.

Infatuation

So a weird thing happened to me.

I got invited to a poly party, which is where a group of polyamorous people get together. The ones I’ve been to previously were based on a lot of poly play… lots of hooking up… As an asexual, and someone that isn’t keen on sharing, either, these parties fascinate me. I tend to go just to people watch and see what happens, and people tend to invite me because… I have no idea. Cuz I’m pretty? Maybe?

Anyways, so my IT guy is what the 1950s housewife community would call a sexual deviant. He gets around, and whatnot, so I invited him along. It seemed like it would be right up his alley. I also invited my friend that goes through men like tissues, and a few of my regular friends. They’re always curious. I feel like they think these parties turn into orgies… which isn’t what happens. It’s more like all these people gather in an area, and then they pick who to hook up with…. while I sip vodka and take mental bets on who picks whom.

This was actually an unusually tame poly party, though. It ended up being a lot of Cards Against Humanity in the living room, and Truth or Dare out back. I kinda kicked off the Truth or Dare… I started with Never Have I Ever, as a conversational device, and the it naturally escalated into Truth or Dare… but the thing is, even though it was a poly party, and most everyone there is sexually free and has low inhibitions, no one really knew what to dare people. There were only a few good ones… some streaking, but it was weird because it just tapered out since everyone was too weird to actually say anything interesting.

So I was there to observe, and there was this guy, who was pretty cute, outgoing, and seemed fun. He stood next to me in Truth or Dare, and he was really nice, and he kept doing this thing where he’d wink at me. I dunno what’s with that, but he’s got these gorgeous hazel eyes, and the winking just did it for me as a human being. I was like, I MUST KNOW YOU RIGHT NOW. He’s about 5’11”, hazel eyes, dark curly hair with sun bleached highlights that he hid under a cowboy hat made from truck tarp most of the night, with a big worn leather jacket, worn out jeans, and a cowboy boots. None of that fits what I ever see myself picking up somewhere. He looked a little country, a lot of blue collar, and GOD DAMN IT HE KEPT WINKING AT ME WHEN HE TALKED TO ME. My friend dared us to kiss and we more…. made out a little bit… then somewhere over the course of the party we ended up talking a lot.

So, I’m an asexual at a poly party, which sounds unheard of or like the plot from a weird indie movie. It’s not actually THAT weird, though, since being asexual doesn’t mean I’m sex repulsed or something. It just means that when you’re looking at me like I’m a steak, I’m looking at you like you’re a book. (I really enjoyed that metaphor, so I hope you all got it.) I mention that I’m asexual right out of the gate to people with any kind of interest in me at these parties. It’s only fair, since they’re usually there to find a new person to connect with sexually, and I’m not. So I just get it out of the way that I don’t wanna bang anyone at these parties. Half the time they find that interesting, and half they find it a little whack. Either way, it usually puts me off the table, and if it doesn’t then I also mention my complete disdain for sharing. I’m not poly. I don’t share well. What’s mine is mine and if you touch what is mine, I will fucking kill you in your sleep. One or both of those can deter almost anyone at a poly party.

So imagine my surprise when I’m talking to the winking cowboy and it turns out he’s not poly. Nope. He just came with a friend, easy as that. Also, he thinks I’m quite lovely, and he’d love to take me out on a date. WEIRD. Also, quite flattering.So we chat, and while he makes the clarification of “do you ever have sex” the asexual thing doesn’t even seem to phase him.

Me: “Yeah, I have sex with people I date. I’m just picky and wait till like date 3… which is apparently off-putting.”
Him: “You can wait till date 10 if you like. I’d just like to take you out.”

So we talk. Everyone I invited starts to filter out of the party. I’m intrigued, and he’s adorable, and he thinks I’m adorable, which is correct, and…
I don’t really know when I broke up with my last boyfriend. It’s been a few years now, but I didn’t manage to write it down or anything, so I don’t know exactly how long it’s been since I had a relationship. I do know that it’s been about 4 years since I really had anyone over the house. I just kind of barricaded myself into my house and kept everyone outside of it… So I decided to take him home, and then had a ridiculous panic attack about it the whole way there, as well as after I got there and he was meeting the dogs and drinking a beer.

It was an awful experience, but he was totally cool about it… he liked all my dogs, even. He was great.

One of the stipulations for him coming over was that we weren’t going to have sex.

WHY WOULD YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE FROM A PARTY IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM?!

I have no idea. The plan was just to have him over. He had said he’d mow my lawn in the morning and that he was handy, and it kinda made sense at the time. We would just cuddle and he was so nice, and then he’d mow my lawn and I’d buy him lunch. It was a cute idea and he was totally down.

And that’s almost what happened, but he asked if I wanted to make out before we went to sleep… and I did… so, being the impulsive and completely unpredictable even to myself person that I am, and… also really wanting to make a surprising but positive impression… we just went for it. I couldn’t help it. The winking. He’s so damn cute.

Sex is more fun than I remember, and maybe that’s just because it’s been so long since I had it. Last time I had sex before this past weekend was about a year ago, with a guy at a poly party I went to… but I didn’t like it. It was awkward and I didn’t really want to be there, I’d just been too drunk to really put all that together into a thought. This wasn’t like that. It was fun, there was laughing, I didn’t fee like I was under any kind of obligation or anything… I just got to enjoy it, mostly….

FUN FACT: If you go like a year without having sex, your vagina shrinks.

He was great about that, too, though. Like… he listened to me and didn’t make anything a big deal, and we both went to bed exhausted.

I never know what to do when I wake up with someone. It’s weird, because I wake up early all the time, and the people I bring home never do. They always sleep till forever unless I wake them up and throw them out. I got up, took the dogs out, took a shower, watched some Parks & Rec… and then went back to sleep… because it sounded nice. He was still cute in the morning, and when he actually came to he was still a sweetheart. Our Sunday broke down to lots of laying in bed, more sex, Chipotle, HE MOWED MY LAWN AS PROMISED, and we cuddled up and watched Dale & Tucker VS Evil with the dogs.

It was the cutest day, and I was really excited about it. It was just nice. Previously it’s taken me months for that to be a day I can spend with someone… new relationships tend to feel like we need to be out doing something….

I made him laugh because overnight I went from a constantly apologizing panic attack back into the catty, smart mouthed, teasing kind of person I was at the party. That’s me. So he something about “if this works out” and I went, “I’m committing to nothing, right now,” only to be thwarted by dogs, cuz they definitely committed. But it was really nice and I think I like him.

I had to take him back to his car… which was sad. I wanted to keep him tied up in my house forever, instead… but he had to go help his friend with her car… which is neat. I like a man that can do things. The thing is that all I wanted to do was text him… but I didn’t. I waited, and he actually ended up texting me. So I guess he likes me. He actually wanted to come back over and hang out, but I was doing all my neglected chores… and I felt like I’d been assaulted….

Drinking three days in a row and having a bunch of rough sex is a young girl’s game… I’m no longer equipped to handle that without consequences.

He might come over tonight. I would like that.

TBH I really kind of want to hope this could work out into a really real thing… For a while now it’s felt like I’m not IN the world… I’m asexual, I’m aromantic… and no one has even been aesthetically pleasing to me in ages… I would love to feel again.