My new relationship has made me question my identity.
I spent a lot of years figuring out my identity. I didn’t have much of one in high school, and it took a while to build one and figure myself out. It was a journey of self discovery that ended in my identification as aromantic and asexual. And even after I determined that was me, it still took a while after that to embrace what those meant and what I was admitting to.
This much time later, I find myself in love with someone I look forward to having sex with… and that’s caused me some emotional distress.
I was in love once, a long time ago, with a cis hetero woman that didn’t love me back. She was the only person I’ve been able to say that I was in love with… and even now there’s a lingering ache when I think about her. After that I was jaded. I dated, and I told people I loved them, but I was never IN love with anyone.
My six year stint of single life was fine. I enjoyed it. I was happy with it. My failed attempts at finding a significant other, or a sex partner, just proved to reinforce my aromantic and asexual nature. I grew to cherish that identity. I grew to love myself and who I was, even though it was a hard thing to try and explain to anyone.
And then I met Chris.
I don’t know that WE are in love, but I am in love with him… which is admittedly terrifying and weird. I think about him all the time. I’m excited to see. I’m excited when he texts me. My heart jumps when I’m around him. I treasure every moment spent holding his hand while he gazes into my eyes. I love when we get together and do something. I love when we get together and do nothing. Whether having outrageously fun sex or watching Gravity Falls, I’m just excited to be with him. I’m intentionally overlooking things I previously said would be total deal breakers. He’s financially shot, living with his parents, has two kids, and is still married… but I’m not in it for financial stability, and I love Addison, can’t wait to meet his older daughter, and I don’t really care if he’s married, so long as they’re very separated. And that… that just proves my point.
I’m in love.
I’m not saying I want to get a house together next month and plan a marriage… cuz I don’t want that. I don’t have room in my life for that kind of thing. I love him and his daughter, but my home life isn’t ready for someone to be here all the time. I never want to get married. I want a future, but I’m not planning a future.
It’s weird to be in love. It’s foreign to me, and it scares me terribly. Still, it’s so addicting. I just want him around. I wanna plan fun days for me and his daughter to bond over and shit. It’s a weird new feeling…. b
But at the end of the day… I’m still aromantic and I’m still asexual. I’m in love with Chris and I wanna fuck Chris… but I still don’t wanna fuck anyone else and I still don’t want my life to be a Nicholas Sparks novel. This relationship doesn’t invalidate my identity. It just means right now he’s my exception. I’m on the far end of the spectrums, but it doesn’t mean I’m devoid. It just means they have to be really special.
I’m sure the day will come when this falls apart and I’ll regret all these feelings… but for now I’m just so happy. And I hope that even if this all falls apart I can always hold on to how happy I am right now.