Well, I got my crown put on.

It was awkward as shit… every time my lower teeth hit it my brain went

WHY IS THERE GLASS IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!

and my whole body would tremble with goosebumps. It was whack… but it’s better no. I might still need an adjustment, though, because that tooth is just a little too long and my front teeth won’t meet now. Gonna wait a bit, though. See how it changes my bite.

This was, by no means, a PLEASANT experience, but the dentist and the techs were hella nice. They tried really hard to prevent any pain, and were real understanding about my flinching at temperature changes… So, it’s nice to know that I have a place I can go for cleanings without having a panic attack. My last dentist office was full of assholes… but I wrote two entries on that, so I won’t dwell.

(See: The Worst Day of My Life and The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line for details)

In other news, I’m on countdown for going to Oregon!

Which means I really gotta get my house clean for when Mothership is taking care of the pets for me… >_> UGH…. The only problem with leaving.

Still, I’m super excited to see mah gurl!!! It feels like eternity since I saw her.

Today it is hecka snowy. (BTW I started saying hecka.)
It started yesterday around four, and hasn’t stopped since. What’s interesting is that it still hasn’t stuck to the roads. I was real worried about that because I went to David’s for his birthday, and I was worried about driving home, but nah: the roads are fine. I just got back from the grocery store (I wanted pizza) and the roads are wet, but not icy or snow-filled. I think it’s because we went from 70 degree weather to this, so the ground is still pretty warm. Plus, it’s a spring snow… those are always wet and heavy, but less icy.

I didn’t do a lot today. Watched Markiplier play Outlast 2, and took a nap… but I feel okay about it. What else was I really going to do, besides maybe clean my room?

My mood has been better. I dunno if it’s because I’ve started self-medicating on the daily, or if I just legit feel better, but both make me want to call and cancel that shrink appt in July. I don’t really like seeing doctors if I can help it. I’m still not HAPPY but I’m not bawling my eyes out and curled up in a ball on my bed anymore. Still, it was so hard to get a damn appt, I guess I should keep it.

I just don’t want them to ask me any more awful questions. The interview for it over the phone was hard. I don’t like talking about things from my past. Shit happened, I’m not that person anymore. I get that it’s necessary to assess how I got to my current mental state, but like… I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being out of the power role. I’m that kind of person. I’ll answer family history: my mom’s side tends to have depression and my dad’s side has addiction, oh and also my dad is bipolar. I’ll answer substance questions: I self medicate, but in very strict regulation because I don’t want to grow up to be my dad. I don’t want to answer questions that lead into memories of stupid shit I GOT MYSELF INTO when I had a mild drinking problem… I no longer have a drinking problem. I learned. That piece is no longer relevant to my life, and I don’t want to talk about what happened.

I dunno. I’m defensive about it. No one has a clean past, but mine is just a bunch of dumb shit I got MYSELF into and never told anyone about, and I like to keep it that way… but I don’t like lying to healthcare professionals, even if they DO work for the abomination that is Kaiser Permanente.

Anyways… I’m off to make pizza, and I think I’ll be putting up a 300 Days of Sunshine entry. I’m not sure on what, yet, but I think I should. It’s nice to have some good in your life.

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The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line

So I was flossing on Monday, as I try to do at least 3 times a week, cuz I’m a slacker but care about my dental health, and I pulled the floss out and my filling came with it.

I was scared in that moment, because the last time I had been to the dentist was when my wisdom tooth broke in half and they smashed all my wisdom teeth out of my head under local anesthetic: a process I do not recommend to anyone. (SERIOUSLY get knocked out for Wisdom Teeth Removal) I looked it up and I wrote about this experience already: you can read about the worst day of my life here. I’m sure that at least one person thinks that I was way over dramatic about it, but it really was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. So, that day had ruined the dentist for me, and I hadn’t been in since December of 2014…

So after a tearful phone call to my mom to let her know I’d need to take time from work to go get it fixed, I took a codeine and went to bed. The tooth didn’t hurt or anything, I just was incapable of calming down because I was fucking scared of the dentist. I made an appointment the next day, anyway. I did decide I was not going back to the facility that repeatedly told me, “there’s no way you can feel anything” and during my wisdom teeth removal to, “stop crying.” I made an appointment with a facility by work.

I was scared to go in, obviously. I’d never been scared of the dentist before having my wisdom teeth out, and while I know that there’s no possible way they could grow back for the dentist to remove again, that didn’t calm my fears of being tortured at the hands of an unfeeling, mean-spirited dentist. I tried to stay calm, though…

My dentist was actually really nice. Since I was a new patient, before they took me back she just sat and asked me a few questions. There were medical questions, and then she asked the last time I’d been to the dentist. I considered lying… but why lie? I had ACTUAL PSTD about the dentists. Dentists know that their patients dread seeing them, as a result of that they have one of the highest suicide rates for a career. (You can google that if you don’t believe me… I’m not linking a sad article about the top suicide rates of careers, though.) The dentist just went, “Oh! You had a bad experience. Okay, we’ll make a note of that.

She noted that, and then proceeded to be the nicest dentist I’ve ever met.

She explained everything she was going to do in detail (cuz I’ve never gotten a cap before), and when we determined that I’d need a cap, she set to work numbing me up before she even did the exam. Fortunately, even thought I hadn’t been to the dentist in 2 years, there were no additional cavities, and the only unpleasant part of the exam was scraping off the tartar behind my lower front teeth.

That’s not to say there wasn’t pain, however. No, there was a lot of pain, as they had to grind down my tooth to be able to fit in the cap. So they gave me another shot… still hurt. So they gave me a third…. still hurt… And another, but it still hurt. Eventually, they just tried to do it as quickly as possible, because four shots of anesthetic is quite a lot and it was doing nothing. I did my best not to move or flinch or show signs of pain, but I couldn’t push my head back into the chair hard enough, and my body would tremble, and my eyes leaked. I didn’t bawl, like I did with my wisdom teeth, but I was crying. The dental tech felt bad and wiped away my tears while she set the cap.

I apologized a lot, but they just explained that I was hard to numb up. It happens, especially with people who are nervous. So, they made a note in my chart that next time they’d start with gas, to relax me, and that should help the needle sticks be more effective. No one was mad, just frustrated they didn’t manage to get me numb enough.

The tech set my temporary cap and warned me that it might fall off because they couldn’t control my bleeding… and I believe that, because they FUCKED UP my gum line. My mouth hurts a ton today, and my gum line around the tooth is incredibly raw, but the cap hasn’t popped off. I get my permanent cap in a couple of weeks. I accidentally booked myself for my vacation… but I guess that’s okay, really. Maybe not… I might reschedule.

Everyone was really nice to me, though, and while it definitely wasn’t a GOOD day, I’m not scared to go back to them. Which means I can get regular cleanings again, so that’s exciting.

Anyways… Kindness goes a long way. It makes a difference.

An Open Window

For the past month and a half, I have been miserable. Every single day has been harder than the last. I’ve tried to ride it out. I’ve tried to be recklessly optimistic about it. I’ve tried push it down into a tight little diamond, which has just resulted in me getting an ulcer. The past month and a half I have narrowly dodged a complete nervous breakdown, and last night while wide awake at midnight, it came to a head.

I am not an overwhelmingly clean person. I collect junk, I don’t dust very often, and there is so much pet hair in this house, my lungs are probably coated in it. Irony is aware of this, and that is why when I am very anxious and can’t sleep, I clean. Last night I was awake panicking about going to work today. It was a bad panic attack and I decided to clean the bathroom. I stepped in a puddle. I have a very old dog, coming up on 15 years old, so accidents happen. I cleaned it up, but just minutes later I stepped in it again. The dogs avoid me when I stress clean, because I cry and make strange noises when I panic, so in my tiny bathroom I knew this was some kind of leak. I found it. The toilet was leaking from the base.

With my last bit of rational mind, I turned the water off and drained the bowl and tank. I called my mom to let her know I’d need a plumber, and to ask her to help with the cost. I hate admitting that, but as someone fortunate enough to have a parent that will still help my ass, I’m also not above asking for the help. I’d needed to call one before winter, anyways, because my water wasn’t getting as hot as it should… She agreed they could look at both, to which I thanked her and then had a complete breakdown on the phone. She told me to go to bed.

So a couple plumbers came out today and fixed me up. It took most of the day and cost $800. The long and short of it is that my hot water heater needed new heating elements because of the mineral deposits in the water, and the toilet… Well, the guy that installed it didn’t use a wax seal or seal it correctly, so it’s been leaking into my downstairs ceiling for a while. Also, there was shit under my toilet… Because the seal wasn’t lining up, so these nice men got to clean up my human waste and I got to pretend that this didn’t make me want to die.

Meanwhile, my mom was at work pitching an idea to the boss. She needs help, but no one in the office can help her. I am a rare gem, I guess. So, without telling bossman that I wanted to die and hate my new position, she pitched to get me back. She succeeded and I will now be the office manager.

Few things have ever made me happy cry. In fact, I can’t name something that has until today. I, on the brink of mental breakdown, cried with happiness at the news I was being released from the fallout of my choices. Fortunately, it’s not a move backwards, but even if it was I would take it. I would sit next to the printer I hate more than spiders and gladly listen to it slowly drive me insane just to be back to what I know. Fortunately, it’s a move up, really. I’m very excited.

Once I got the news, it was like the weight of all my mistakes were lifted. I was mostly useless after the plumbers left. I was just so relieved. I cried, I laughed, I got Chipotle, and I took a nap, after scrubbing my bathroom floor enough that you could eat on it. I had to get the feces bacteria to die. I am still unsettled and I’ve washed the floor about fifteen times…

I’m sad that I didn’t make it in finance. I wanted to, but even if so,eine had shown me what I was doing and I’d gotten proper training, I’m just not comfortable selling. I understand having to make a profit, but I feel bad about it. Lol. I also hate interacting with customers. Our customers are often unpleasant.

Once we get me a desk and a computer, it’s all in place.

They are hiring an experienced finance person to replace me. With Carlos gone there’s really no reason for me to babysit paperwork, and the two folks we have are very meticulous, so I don’t think we will have problems. I’m just so happy to be going back to my desk with my list of duties and organization. I can listen to music and help people, and really I’m very good at that.

I’m fortunate enough to have seen the floor and how it is. The people were pretty okay, except Carlos, who I still want to punch for leaving me with so much shit work to do. While this has been one of the worst experiences in my eleven years of working for the store, I’m glad I got to see another perspective. I think it will help me later in.ife and often when trying to communicate with the sales floor. I never thought it would be so different.

So yes, today was terrible, but tomorrow will be better. It has to be, and there is so much hope now. Hope for a better future. I’m really looking forward to all the things I will learn and showing that this is where I really shine.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear the GM expressed concern that he was taking away the opportunity I asked for. I don’t agree with his whole look on things, but it’s nice to know that he wanted to be sure I knew about the negotiations before he said yes.

My ego is a little hurt that I didn’t cut it, and that I had to have my mom help me out of my choices. It feels really juvenile. Still, I think a big part of growing as a person is knowing when to deal with the consequences of your choices, and knowing when to throw in the towel. It’s ok to ask for help, and I often forget that. People might be made to suffer, but you are in more control of that than you realize. Life is not short, but it’s also worth not wasting.

As I close this door on my sales floor experience, I am reminded what people of faith often say: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Idunno about God, but I found me an open window, and I’m going to throw myself from this burning building and see if I can fly. If I can’t, at least I know who is there to catch me when I fall.

Hellbent on a Better Year

NYE Mothership and I went to see The Hateful Eight. It was good. I don’t think it was what Mothership was expecting, and it wasn’t my favorite Quentin Tarintino movie, but it was good. I liked it.
#BloodyMess

When we got home I was a tad depressed that I didn’t have anywhere to go for NYE. I really didn’t wanna try to fight my way downtown, and all my friends were at this crap-ass dive bar they live at for karaoke. I don’t like karaoke and I don’t like the general population of people that attend that bar. It’s just not my scene. I decided not to dwell on it, though. Next year I’ll make better plans and do something. It’s already been decided.

Instead, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean and sketched till I got sleepy.

This year I’m going to try and sketch daily. My assignment, as decided by taking suggestions and picking my favorite, is to do something with a circle every day. It was Billie’s idea! She’s a genius that one. I can do a lot with a circle a day, and it makes the days when I’m not feeling creative easier. Last night I made it a porthole and sketched a pirate ship in it. It’s not very good, but I think I’ll do it with colored pencils tonight. I like the concept, but I’m not actually very good with black and white drawings. I’m significantly better with a color medium… Lol.
Maybe I can sell some work this year.

Also, I’m going to try and stay off Facebook for a while. I’m not actually sure that social media is good for you… I’ll only be logging in to check events. If I really wanna post something, I still have Google Plus or Tumblr… I should prolly not be on Tumblr so much, tbh… but baby steps. Lol. I love Tumblr. I’m gonna stop being on it at work, though. It’s not conducive to getting my work done.

After reflecting on everything I did NOT like about 2015, I’m trying really hard to do positive things. It’s hard for me. I’m not positive. So I’m starting small. Today at work I’m listening to some of my favorite electro-pop (Carley Rae Jepsen’s Emotion album) and enjoying wearing jeans to work.

Today I start being vegan for a month. I always forget how hard that is… they put eggs in fucking everything. I tried to buy a bag of cookies this morning… eggs. Protein bar? Eggs. Eggs fucking everywhere. Lol. Hopefully when we order lunch today I can find something acceptable from wherever we go. Fingers crossed.

And… I dunno what else. I should really get to work, though. I’ve killed an hour on the internet writing this and deleting everything off my FB. Lol.

Here’s to having a good year. If it kills me, I’m going to be happy this year, god damn it.