Quality Time

This past weekend, I got Chris all to myself from Friday night to midday Sunday. It was SO NICE OMG.

As a rule, I try not to be a clingy girlfriend, but if we’re being honest I would spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man. That’s new for me. Even with Grant, who is probably my best ex, I would get up early after he spent the night and make him leave. I don’t feel that way with Chris. It’s gross. I’m in love. That being said, this weekend was great.

Chris had the whole weekend off, but it had been a rough week for him, so when he arrived on Friday night I offered to buy dinner. We got Casa Gutierrez, which turned out to be pretty good Mexican, and watched some Daniel Sloss. Chris was in top form: by that, I mean he was so… up. I couldn’t help it, I asked if he’d considered that he might be bipolar. He just said yes. He was so happy, though. He was bouncy and wanted to snuggle, and we danced in the living room, and he was just so excited to be with me. It was really nice. He was happy to play Fluxx with me (lost Adventure Time & Batman, but owned him in Cthulhu Fluxx), and we went upstairs and played some N64 (which I super lost), and then we were watching Food Wars when I passed out. I hate when I pass out early, especially during Chris time, but he didn’t mind. He turned off Food Wars and we snuggled up and I slept really well…. until Frankie figured out how to escape the sleep kennel. My brain wakes me up when I hear Bdo feet. I rounded them up, though.

Saturday morning we snuggled a lot. I like snuggling him. Sue me. I had to run off to a hair cut at 10am with Mothership, and originally he was going to sleep while I was gone, but decided to run home. I was only gone for like two hours with Mothership, but she was acting hella weird. It dragged my mood way down for some reason. We got our hair cut, and then went to Torrid because she wanted some leggings, but she also bought me a really cute sweater. I offered to do something else with her, since we were out, but she just wanted to go home. I can’t exactly explain what was wrong, but it was just how she responded. She seemed annoyed, but I’m not sure that she really was. Anyways, I got home and my mood crashed, but I let Chris know I was home and sad. He came over hellbent on A, making me feel better, and 2, to take me on an adventure. He hugged me and showed me his box of N64 games, that are going to live at my house, now, so we can play. Then he decided we were going to Black & Read and pushed me out of the house.

I love Black & Read, but it’s way up north, so I don’t get up there that often. So we embarked on an adventure! It was especially an adventure because we had no idea how to get to Black & Read. In the car, I drove and Chris navigated. We played with Spotify and introduced each other to so good music. We sang. We laughed. I honestly loved just being in the car with him for like an hour. I just enjoy his company. Inside Black & Read was no different. We started together, pouring over the board games, talking about games we like, ones he has, ones we wanted, and just being mesmerized by the chaos setup of Black & Read. We picked up some “escape the room” card games to try, since I was having people over that night for board games, and then ended up splitting up to wander around. I scoured the books and reveled in the disarray of the Black & Read system (literally it’s STUFF EVERYWHERE vaguely sorted by games, books, or music, and then vaguely by genre). I found a couple of books (Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys & Blade Runner), and we met back up in the vinyl section, where I was debating buying some Jefferson Airplane.

By that point, it was mid-afternoon. We were hungry, but unfamiliar with the area. So… I checked the travel time and asked if he wanted Cajun. Chris always wants Cajun. So we loaded up and it only took about 30 minutes to get to Littleton. I took him to Nono’s… because of course I did. I didn’t think about it at the time, but we didn’t lack on conversation. It just… flowed. It usually does when we’re out and about. I love that about him. Afterwards, he’d googled how late this other game store I wanted to visit was open… and since it was open we loaded up and headed to The Gaming Goat. It’s a lovely store, complete with tables for playing the house games, of which there are MANY. And you don’t even have to rent the table. It’s first come first play, but they have plenty of room. And they let you bring your own food, etc. We looked at all their games, and I, in my infinite wisdom, bought yet another game called Apocrypha. It’s a really cool sounding game, though.

So we went home, and Rob & Amber flaked on game night, and Bird plain forgot… so instead we broke out Apocrypha and watched a tutorial on how to play, followed by us trying to figure out how to play. It was pretty fun. A little involved, but that’s the point. I ordered pizza pretty late, and even though he said he wasn’t hungry, he helped me half a pizza and half an order of meatballs that were crazy good. Then out of nowhere I decided we should watch Saw 3, because Saw is my favorite horror series, and he’s only see one and two. So we popped it in, but when they got to the part where the doctor has to cut open John’s skull…. Chris bitched out. Which I gave him shit for. I then reassured him that I can watch my torture porn by myself, and he doesn’t have to watch it with me. In response, we went upstairs and were going to watch something funny, but ended up just making out a lot and forgot about TV… and… ya know…

In the morning, Chris offered to go buy stuff for breakfast and I offered to cook it. I made him chorizo cheese grits with eggs, while he watched and asked questions about how to cook stuff. I like teaching him things. He doesn’t historically like grits… but it’s my favorite breakfast, so he tried mine. The difference is, mine are hella fucking thick… and he loved them! He ate more than I did. It was impressive. Then we just hung out for a while. He had to go pickup Addison in Brighton that afternoon, so we just snuggled up and watched some first episodes of some shows he was interested in. I was so happy.

Then he left… and I was going to do something with my afternoon, but I didn’t want to. I snapped him that I should have gone with him, and he said he was still at home if I wanted to come. So I did.I knew I should stay home and clean something or prepare for the week, but I just didn’t want to…

We left immediately, and it’s a long drive to Brighton, so we played with Spotify some more. It was fun! I was nervous, though. I was now showing up unannounced, and while Chris was obviously good with it, I dunno how the ex felt about it. The ex didn’t seem to mind, but she looked frazzled in general. She was fighting with Addi when they arrived, and I got the feeling that it was more or less an all weekend thing. I dunno, obviously, but I’ve seen many a frazzled mother. This wasn’t just “it was a long drive with a 5 year old” frazzled. But she said hello to me, hugged Chris (they’re trying to be friends), and passed Addi off.

What’s interesting is that I could SEE Addi fighting with her mom when they pulled up, but she got out of the car, caught sight of me, got in Chris’ car and proceeded to be calm, and even polite. My mom thinks that might be because I was there, since I seem to have a different relationship with her than other adults. Addison and I don’t have a long relationship, but the time we’ve spent together has had two things: clear boundaries and clear communication. I’ve setup a strong expectation of behavior since I started spending time with her and Chris, and that expectation is that if she’s well behaved we can have a lot of fun, as well as that if she throws a tantrum I don’t want to be around her anymore. I don’t know how accurate that inference is… maybe she changed because I was there and maybe not, but it was nice that she calmed down.

So, I thought after this we were going home, but I was wrong.

Chris has been trying to get me to go to dinner with his parents for a couple weeks now, so seeing his chance to force me into it by having driven us to Brighton, he then headed for Lakewood. We got to White Fence Farm and the place is a sensory overload. There were so many people, the wait time is 3 hours for a table, no reservations accepted, plus it’s part amusement park…. kind of like a Farm version of Casa Bonita. It was chaos, and Addi was not great at sitting still, so my stress went way up, but then we left. Chris got a table number, and when he was told there was such a long wait, he googled something else for us to do.

Much to my surprise, he took us to a 2nd & Charles. That was a great idea! Except that I spent money. He has to stop taking me to stores that want my money. He let Addi go mess around in kids books and toys while we looked at sci-fi and fantasy novels, and I picked up some books I definitely didn’t need. Addi came and found us with a basket filled to the brim with toys… and I had to laugh. She’d picked up two or three of things so she could give one to Isis (ex’s bf’s daughter) or her friend at school or her sister. Chris made her put everything back, but bought her a neon Freddy Fazzbear, since she’s obsessed with Five Nights At Freddy’s. I told her that if she found a book she liked I’d buy it for her, and she came back with three. If kids’ books weren’t so pricey I’d have gotten her all three… but instead I told her to pick one, which she did and put the rest back.  It was just nice to hang out with them in such a… me-friendly setting. We even found a table where we could play some games and taught Addi to play checkers. Then we loaded up and met his parents for dinner.

Kids are strange creatures. We met up with Chris’ parents at White Fence Farm and Addi turned into something of a brat. She seems to like her grandparents but she can flip on Chris’ dad in a heartbeat. I think she doesn’t like how he teases her, in that way that old men tease small girls. He threatened to toss her neon Freddy into a nearby fountain… at which point Chris did intervene and ask why his dad would continue to tease her knowing she was going to scream about it… which she did, and Chris had to haul her off for a conversation about behaving in public.

Dinner was great. I dunno how White Fence Farm has been operating in the red with that good chicken dinner they have. Crispy but fall off the bone tender… hard to do, but so tasty. Conversation with the parents was… good. I had a nice time, but I’m so fucking awkward. Chris was ever his reassuring self, though. We got through it. They did pick at Addi about eating, though. Chris, once again to his credit, told them to leave her alone. I really appreciate that he sticks up for his kid, especially when it’s an issue that he took my advice on how to resolve.

On the way home he and I played with Spotify while Addi played with her tablet. I just wallowed in the nice feeling of having had him for a whole weekend, and how I didn’t get sick of him or irritated with him once. That’s so rare for me. I’m a very lucky girl.

I’m so not used to being in love… but I like it more and more on the daily.

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Thxgiving, Kids, Cancer, Love, and I

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was, as usual, pretty uneventful. Mothership and I ate some shrimp, saw Bohemian Rhapsody, and watched Eli Roth’s History of Horror. No, I did nothing with the boyfriend this year. We agreed that next year we’d try to weave each other into our holiday plans. We’ve only been together since August, you know. Three months does not justify holiday chaos. He agreed.

Chris took Addi up to her mom’s, and he spent Thanksgiving with them. People make weird faces when I say that he spent Thanksgiving with his ex, her family, and her boyfriend and his kids, but personally I find it nice that they get along and can spend holidays together for the sake of Addi. They might be exes but if they can stay friends Addi’s family won’t have broken up, it will have just gotten bigger. I wish that for them all.

I took some time off before Thanksgiving and spent some time with Chris and Addi. We took her to Mile High Comics, the big one in bumfuk nowhere, and while it wasn’t ALL pleasant, I think it was productive. You see, I’m still figuring out how to interact with Addi. I’ve seen how other interact with her, and kids her age, and I think it’s dumb. So, when we picked her up from school and she was in a mood… I mocked her whining, which made her cry and pout. Chris was fine with this. We let her cool off and she wanted Waffle House. We weren’t sure how to get to Waffle House on the way to the comic store, and she wanted to throw a fit about it…

Let it be known that I am not a parent. I would never tell someone how to raise a kid, because I don’t know how to raise a kid.

That being said, I was NOT fucking having it, for reasons I’ll get to.
I spun around in the seat and told her to stop. I didn’t yell. I didn’t threaten. I didn’t even tell her that if she didn’t stop that she wouldn’t get what she wanted. I just told her to stop, since we were TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FUN FOR HER, and that if she wanted to make pouty faces she could do it while looking down because I didn’t want to see it.

And you know what? She stopped.

We went to Waffle House and she was fine. We went to the comic shop and she was fine. We went to 2nd & Charles and she was fine. Any time she tried to make that high pitched whining noise I just said, “Hey, we talked about that noise.” She was great the rest of the day, for a 5 year old. It’s like no one had told her to stop before. It was crazy. We didn’t find any comics for her, but at 2nd & Charles I bought her the three Five Nights at Freddy’s novels. My hope was that since she wants someone to read them to her, maybe she’ll want to read.

The next night we went to dinner with Chris’ mom and Addi. I don’t like eating with Addi because the adults in her life have made food “a thing.” As a former (current) person with an eating disorder, I dislike when people make food “a thing.” So we’re at this restaurant and they get an appetizer and they expect her to eat some. They get a salad and they expect her to eat some. Then her food comes, and she’s five, and she’s not hungry because she had appetizer and salad. Your stomach is the size of your fist… she’s five: she’s got a small fist. You can’t expect her to eat a ton. Not all kids do. So, she’s fidgety and she drops her drink, and Chris wants to get mad, and I just couldn’t help it… I told him to calm down. He did. There was no scene, no reprimands, and no tears.

So they were trying to get her to eat, but then they went to get desserts. While they were gone I talked to Addi. I asked if she knew how to twirl her spaghetti. She was excited to show me, especially when I attempted to do it with penne (which you can’t, obvi). Then I was like, wow, that’s so much food…. you can’t really fit that in your mouth can you? Of course she could, and she was excited to show me that, too. She was bored! It was obvious. I get the feeling she doesn’t get treated like a part of the group very often… I’m going to work on that with her.

When we got back to their place Addi was excited to show me her room and how clean it was. Then she was excited for me to read Five Nights at Freddy’s to her. It was adorable. I had a coughing fit and Chris had to take over. Aside from that Addi asked when she can meet my monsters (dogs) and I told her it depended. She would have to prove to me that she won’t make that high pitched whining noise, because Kira hasn’t been around kids and I dunno what she’ll do with that. I don’t want Addi to get hurt. She said she’d work on not doing that.

I call the weekend a win, overall. I don’t think I interact with kids the way other people interact with kids, though. I kind of just treat them like adults… but also account for age. She’s 5, she’s not an idiot. She has thoughts and opinions and social needs. She can be reasoned with and explained to if you take the time. I’m working on showing Chris how I would interact with his kid. A, I want him to know in case I need to babysit, but 2, my big thing is not to make stuff “things.” We got pizza one night and she wanted to throw a fit over mushrooms… I literally snapped my fingers at her and went, “Hey… just pick them off. Pick your battles, kid.” And she did and things were fine. I’m no expert on kids, but I do think that the less “things” in kids’ lives, the more adjusted they’ll grow up to be.

The reason I finally snapped at Addi, by the way, is because just a little while before we picked her up from school, I got a phone call informing me that my cervical biopsy revealed per-cancerous cells. They wanted to do a LEEP procedure, which entails essentially carving out the part of my cervix that has the cells. It sounds painful because it will be. I lost it. I started crying at this woman on the phone about how my reproductive system has been trying to kill me since I was 12, and how I refuse to have to do this every single year for the rest of my life when the cervical biopsy hurt so much already, and the dysphoria about the whole thing…

I got lucky the woman I was talking to was someone who had a hysterectomy already. She was very kind. She ran off to NP Slaughter and consulted with her, and NP Slaughter, refreshed on my history, decided I should have a consult with a doctor. We postponed the LEEP procedure until after my consult with a doctor, who will discuss all my options, including a preventative hysterectomy. I will probably still have to have a LEEP, to see what’s in my uterus and determine how best to remove it, just in case it’s something that could break up and spread to the inside of my abdomen. I’m not thrilled.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom crying about it all, and trying to deal with how scared and anxious I am over it…. but the consult is in late December, so I chose to put off worrying until then. I just pushed it down into a little ball that will probably give me cancer… hopefully not new cancer, though. Let’s stick to organs I can remove.

I thought I pushed it down, anyways. I put it out of my mind as much as I can. Aside from snapping back at Addi, though… I’ve had… symptoms of stress. My lips are raw meat from chewing on them. My picking habit is out of control. I’m binging or not eating at all. Little things can get under my skin and throw me into a completely inappropriate rage. I pushed it down, but the anxiety isn’t gone. I probably think about it several times a day… and just try not to acknowledge it. So today I bit the metaphorical bullet and scheduled a talk therapy session.

It’s so hard to pry apart what’s being caused by new medications and what’s just a response to stress… I thought if I could get in with someone now, I could be sure to have an appointment lined up after my consult… cuz no matter what, that’s gonna be a bad time. So… working on that self care, I guess.

Chris has been really great about this whole cervical cancer thing, too. He doesn’t “get it” but he’s there if I need him. That’s really all you can ask for.

In unrelated, happier news, I played matchmaker and found someone a match. A month ago I hooked up Chris’ friend Rob with my friend Amber. I dunno Amber well, but she’s awkward and best friends with Robot Boy, so I guessed she might like Rob. Holy hell was I correct. They are attached to each other like crazy glue. She started by spending four days there, only coming up for air when she had to go to work. She did Thanksgiving with his family. They’re thinking about moving her in. I mean, I thought Chris and I moved fast, but damn. Still, I’m happy for them and I’m happy that I brought them together.

Their speed kind of made me question where Chris and I are… but it’s two very different scenarios. Chris and I are happy. Rob and Amber are happy. They don’t have to be the same happiness to be happiness. Chris and I have things to consider that Rob and Amber don’t. Kids, finances, wives… but we’re fine where we are. Conversely, I always think Bird and her man should be “farther along” since they’ve dated on and off for like 10 years, but they’re not. And they’re happy. So… why argue with that?

Speaking of Bird, this past weekend we went to a concert for Spiral Cell and Nordic Daughter, followed by playing Mario Party at my house. It was a blast! I lost so hard… but it was so much fun. The next night I made Chris dinner and we watched comedy specials. It was really nice. I loved our weekend. I love us. I love being happy. I do not love that he takes his steak medium, though… I’m a rare girl, and I’ve never cooked a medium steak… so I totally ended up with well done… but the potatoes and asparagus were good. Lol.

Anyways. That’s all for me. And really… that’s enough.

My Colposcopy With NP Slaughter

So back in October, I went in for a well woman exam, because I promised my doctor that I would do it. I hate well woman exams. I find them gross and somehow degrading. Plus, historically I’m always face to face with some nurse that insists she need to know the total number of people I’ve slept with ever, which is an answer I cannot provide. Kaiser doesn’t seem to care who I have slept with, though. I dunno how I feel about that, really… cuz they should care a LITTLE… but I digress. I hate well woman exams for a number of reasons, but the top reason I hate well woman exams is because I always, ALWAYS, bounce the pap smear.

Now, if you’re unfamiliar with a pap smear, lemme give you the quick and dirty summary of events. They jam a spreader (speculum) in you, which my doc says they can’t use lube with because it taints the specimen, and crank your vag open, and then they use this brush to scrape cells off the cervix and put it in a vial, and then some lab technician looks at it to see if your cells look normal or fucked up. If they’re fucked up, you might have cancer. Now, that might not sound super awful to you, either because you don’t have a cervix or because your pap has never hurt you, but for some of us this feels like someone took tweezers, grabbed some tissue inside our lower abdomen and tore it off like a piece of monkey bread. So… never really enjoyed the process. 

I’ve been getting pap smears since I was 12, because my reproductive organs have been trying to kill me since I was 12. Doctors are always horrified to hear this, since they don’t recommend paps until you’re 21 these days, but when you have fucked up organs you have fucked up organs, man. This means I know the drill. I know I’m going to fail. I know they’re going to repap. I know I’m going to get a coloscopy after that. It’s how it’s been for the better part of the past 18 years of my life, except the 3 years I took off because I was god damn sick of it. So, I wasn’t surprised when I bounced my pap. I was surprised we jumped straight to the colposcopy, though. 

So today was my colposcopy, but yesterday I freaked out about it. Why? Because we’re dealing with the C-word… not cunt… well… kind of cunt… but Cancer. I meant cancer. You see, everyone in my (maternal) family gets cancer. My grandma. My grandad. My great aunt. My cousins. My great grandparents. Just everyone. We’re all gonna get cancer. So I was freaking out yesterday because I don’t want to get cancer and die. Last time someone told me they thought I had cancer I freaked out for a whole weekend and cleaned my whole house and started dividing up my things to leave to people… like I was just prepping to die in the next month. It was insanity. You’d think I’d develop a coping mechanism. You would be correct.

When I freak out about something that makes me think I might die, I do this thing where I obsess over something completely unrelated, and set in the future. Yesterday I decided I wanted to buy a new house. I’m not in a position to buy a new house, but that’s what I decided to obsess over so I didn’t have to think about dying. I picked the house (the Polygon is up for sale still) and started trying to figure out how I’d buy it and who I could move in with me. So I was running numbers and figuring the best rate we could maybe get on Mom’s credit, since mine is still low, and asking Chris if he’d wanna move in (which was the point when someone should have asked if I felt okay). And then the crying started. I just couldn’t get far enough into this obsession to block out the idea that I was going to have someone tell me if I had cancer or not….

Joke’s on me, cuz I still don’t know.

So after a terrible day and evening of freaking the fuck out over this procedure, I go from denial to angry numbness. I was just mad when I woke up this morning. I got up and I just didn’t care. I dared god to give me cancer because I am just sick of dealing with this infinite problem hanging over my head. Chris made sure he was up in time for me to panic text him through my appointment… and that’s what I did. I snapped him through the rude reception nurse and the nurse assistant taking my vitals and the long wait in the waiting room because they were behind. It was all nonsense, and being numb I wasn’t even scared anymore. I was just angry this was eating up my day… but I don’t know what would have distracted me without him. 

The BucketEven when they took me back to the procedure room, I had a good fifteen minutes to dick around before I had to strip from the waist down or anyone came in. Now, I’m an adult, and I know you shouldn’t dick around with medical equipment… but I whipped out my Snapchat and took snaps of me investigating EVERYTHING including a suspicious bucket that I could not devise the purpose of. I always marvel at how in spite of our medical progress an examination room and its equipment still looks like the American government could dissect and analyze an alien there. 

When NP Slaughter (my nurse practitioner was named Slaughter… classic) came in, I was ready and looked very calm, even though on the inside I was burning with unbridled, frenzied rage, the likes of which I don’t even have a word for. Like, I was so irate that I was giggly. You ever been so angry you laugh? You ever been so angry at GOD and your cervix that you laugh? I have. Anyways, NP Slaughter, brought the vitals nurse to assist, as well as a Czech NP from another department who was learning how things are done in Gynecology. (I know she was Czech because we were talking about schools at one point and she went, “I went to communist Czech school…”) She went over what would happen, and who was in the room. I’d done a colposcopy before, so I wasn’t that concerned. 

A colposcopy is a lot like a pap smear, in the sense that someone is going to jam a speculum into your vag and crank you open. I mean, if you’ve been cranked open once, you’ve been cranked open a million times. Where it differs is that instead of taking tissue samples, they coat the cervix in vinegar and iodine and then stare deep into your cervix to see what it tells them. Why? Because cancer cells absorb vinegar faster than normal cells. The iodine helps you see what’s going on, as well as sterilizing the area. So, they swab me up, and NP Slaughter is staring deep into my womb, when NP Slaughter, the nicest NP I’ve ever met in my life, asks if the Czech NP can view my cervix for educational purposes. I agreed on the grounds that I could take a snap of all of them peering into my vagina. They thought I was kidding, but I definitely took and have that picture.

I used Snapchat to distract me from most of the procedure. I have a deep set cervix and a narrow pelvic bone opening… Meaning getting the speculum jammed that deep in there hurts, and cranking me open hurts. The whole fucking thing hurts. They do their best, but you can’t really prevent most of it. So they’re looking around and identify the probably problem area, and that’s when something happened that’s never happened to me in a colposcopy before. She took biopsies. I know that in reality it was like a 10 minute procedure, but it felt like she was in there digging out tissue forever. It hurt. It felt like I was being stabbed deep inside myself. It’s a Lovecraftian kind of pain; I would not have flinched if suddenly a door to another dimension had opened inside me and I was swallowed up into eternal pain or something. 

In the past, my doctor has looked at my cervix and told me I’m fine before sending me on my way. This time I was told we’ll know if I have cancer in 5-7 days and sent on my way in pain. I was told that I’d probably bleed from the biopsy for about 7 days, and that the stuff they use to help stop the bleeding was also gonna come out and look like coffee grounds. It was revolting to hear… later it would be worse to see…  I made it to my car before I broke down crying in pain. I called my mom and told her about the biopsy and how much it hurt. She said to take my time coming back to work, maybe get lunch, but I just didn’t even feel like playing hookie for a few hours to recoup. I made it back to work, but as the pain increased I realized I couldn’t stay at work. It was too painful. So, since I drove both mothership and I to work… I called Chris.

This man, my suspiciously supportive, thoughtful man, drove out to my work, picked me up, AND HE BROUGHT COCA COLA FOR ME. Then he let me hold onto his arm the whole way home. He didn’t even blink at coming to get me. To his credit, he’d also offered to go to the appointment with me. If I’d known we were taking biopsies I’d have let him. He took me home and I went to bed with a Percocet. 

So it wasn’t a great day. I might have cancer. I’m in pain. I had to miss work. My coworker and friend who took me to Vegas, Cat, has noticed I’ve been to the doc a lot recently. She’s now worried I’m dying, and going home in visible pain today did not help that. But… I have Chris… and he’s great. I love him.


In other news, my meds have changed again. I felt okay on 20 mg Cymbalta and 1/2 a Wellbutrin, so we decided not to get rid of the Wellbutrin. With that, I’m now on Ritalin. As my doc put it, I’m the dosage for an 8 year old. So it may or may not do anything. I FEEL like it’s doing something, but I can’t be sure yet. 

A Magic (TG) Weekend

It’s been so long since I dated that I have forgotten WHEN THE FUCKING ANXIETY GOES AWAY, but I hope it’s soon.

I had a wonderful weekend. It was full of Chris.

Chris had plans to be at a Magic the Gathering tournament Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with his best friend Rob and his friend from out of state, John. His other plans were to see me in the evening.

So, Friday night after the tournament he came over and we went to see 90% Nineties, because I just wanted to get out. I’d had a terrible week: auditors and phones going down and HR problems and employee chaos, oh my. I guess that’s why I ended up drinking too much. I kept apologizing, to which he just replied I deserved to have some fun. We hung out. We played some cards. Bird & Dom came and hung out. We danced. It was a good time. Then he drove me home. I challenged him to Snowboard Kids 2 on N64, and totally kicked his ass. He got stuck. It was great.

Saturday I mostly slept off the hangover, and then hung out with Mom. We had to catch up on some TV. Saturday night, we hung out with Rob and John. I really like Chris’ friends. They’re interesting and fun, and I got to harass Rob about talking to my friend Amber. John is weird, in the sense he reminds me exactly of my friend Lo, except with a beard. They look the same, talk the same, and even move their mouths similarly. It’s fascinating. But we had a good time, played some board games, ate some Chinese. Then they wanted to play a new game, and for some reason we played King’s Cup. No one drank the cup, because we didn’t finish the game. Chris got tired and he was gonna fall asleep on Rob’s sofa, which we’d have to share with John, so I loaded him up and took him home. We were up a while after that, though. We were watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2, and laughing, and talking, and generally having a nice time just enjoying each other.

Sunday morning was nice. I got up and let the dogs out, and then I read for a while. I let him sleep till about 1130, and then he got up and went to cash in his prize tickets for the tournament. He saw more of Rob and John while I did NOTHING. I love doing nothing. Lol. Later he came back and we ate Indian food while watching The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It was a lovely time, really.

Chris came over last night, too. We were being flirty via text and he came over, and while we had a nice sexy time, we also talked about the fact that sometimes our minds wander. I told him that’s okay, and that sex is not the best part of our relationship. He agreed. It was awkward to talk about, but it was nice to kind of get it out there. I’m so used to being the only one that’s got that kind of prob. It’s nice to commiserate. Then we just hung out until he had to leave and go back to his dad life.

It was nice. I like nice.

Zombie Crawl

Okay, let’s backup to Wednesday.

Wednesday I went to dinner with Chris and Addi. We didn’t do anything fancy, just Panda Express, but I had a hard month-end and it was nice to see my boyfriend. Chris makes me incredibly nervous with his daughter, though. Like at Panda Express he let her go pick a table while we checked out. I kept my eyes glued to her, and he just nonchalantly paid and stuff like it was no big deal. Granted the whole place only allows her to be like 50 ft from us at any time, I just never let a kid in my care go do stuff like that before. Especially at 5. Aside from that, Addi doesn’t like to eat. She only wanted white rice, and she didn’t want to eat much of that, either. I guess it’s a common thing with her.

When she decided to show me the food in her mouth, I couldn’t help it… I told her that her dad might spank her, but if she showed me food in her mouth again I was going to drag her off and feed her to one of my monsters. Now… this was not the best idea I’ve ever had, but Chris backed me up on being a witch with a slew of monsters at home.

After dinner, Chris texted how sorry he was that Addi isn’t a great diner. I told him the truth: Addi is a 5 year old whose parents split up this year. Both parents have new love interests and her whole life got up-ended in about 6 months. She’s going to act out. But all things considered, she’s fine. To ease his mind I suggested we do dinner with Addi every Wednesday, so she can get to know me and practice eating in different kinds of restaurants. He appreciated that.

Thursday I wasn’t supposed to see Chris, but he had a really bad day at work. He seems to be the kind of person who wants to have a purpose in life, above him raising kids. While I support that, I’m not really that kind of person. I’m just sliding through life, but I’m good in times of panic. So he had a panic attack at work, and I talked him down, and then that evening I offered to buy him dinner or something so he could just relax. I ended up buying him frozen custard from Good Times, and we sat in a shady parking lot and ate it and talked like teenagers. Turns out Chris, like me, eats when stressed. Also, he stops eating when it gets too hard. Noted. I reminded him that he might not like where his life is, but that his life isn’t awful. He’s treading water, and he should give himself a break. It’s been a hard year for him. He listened to me, and I think he felt better by the time he went home.

Friday I went to Chris’ place to watch Batman vs Jack the Ripper (Gotham by Gaslight). It was weird, but mostly I just enjoyed hanging out with him. That’s… the big thing I’m a fan of. Lol.

Saturday was Zombie Crawl. We took Addi. So we took the train down, because Addi loves the train, and who really wants to drive and park in downtown Denver? So we get downtown, and I took this adorable picture.

ZombieCrawl

Daddy-Daughter Day

When we found the zombies, Addi decided she was into being dead, but not bloody. So we did some dead but not bloody makeup. I was slightly disappointed. I am good at blood. Oh well. Maybe next year. We wandered around and I took lots of pictures. Then we had pizza and zipped home.

Chris was supposed to come over, but decided against it when he discovered he opened the next day, so I decided to go to bed…. but could not.

My mother ventured to our work’s Oktoberfest event. My coworker promised she’d get her back to her car, but at 9pm my “always home before she turns into a pumpkin” mother was not home. So… come to find out that true to form, everyone at the party got hammered. My coworker conned her friend into driving my mom back to her car instead of letting her take the train or Lyft. Then his car overheated. Then they finally made it back. Mom got home around 11.

It turns out that a whole lot of shit went down with my drunk ass coworker. I’m no gossip… so I’m not gonna repeat the hearsay I definitely heard, but damn it’s juicy shit. OH MAN. That tea so good. You don’t even know. But, that’s exactly why I don’t go to the parties. I have no desire to get wrecked and lose credibility with my coworkers or bosses. I was much happier at home.

Last night Chris came over after work and we finished Hereditary. Then we watched Irish people drink bourbon and several other random YouTubes, because unlike me, somethings still creep Chris out. It was a pretty uneventful evening, except for one thing… we were going to sleep and were fooling around when Chris goes “I want to stop.” So, of course we stop, and I’m like, “are you okay?” And he proceeds to tell me how he was panicking because he thought he was telepathic for a minute. That boy can’t hold his MK Ultra… but who can? Lol. So adorable.

This weekend Chris has a Magic tournament, but maybe I’ll get him to see HellFest or Venom with me. 😛

Already looking forward to the weekend.

But not Wednesday. I have to get a pap smear Wednesday. Not excited.

Puddle of Mudd with Saliva!!! (woo)

So let’s see. It’s been a week.
Not a lot happened during the week, but the weekend was fun.

Saturday I got my hair done. I changed it from teal to orange for autumn. I also whacked off the sides, so instead of a fade I just have the sides super crew cut short and it’s long and orange on top. Mom hated it, but I think it will grow on her.

I also got new glasses! Because I needed to see.

Orange

Sunday was an adventure.

So we’d already arranged for Chris to meet my mom at The Nun. Because what other way would you introduce parents to your boyfriend than at a horror movie? He was late, because he and his dad had to go get his sign from his shop. (It never occurred to me that people purchase those signs and then have to figure out what to do with them after the shop goes under.) So his dad dropped him off. He managed to say hello to Mom, but they didn’t get to like… interact that much.

The Nun, btw, wasn’t a BAD movie. It was disappointing only because I expected it to be as good as I felt The Conjuring and The Conjuring 2 were… It’s more of Annabelle territory… like… fun but not outstanding.

After that, he invited me to go meet HIS parents and have lunch.
So.
Let me preface this with, I was dressed in black, wearing skulls, with my new orange hair, and heavy eyeliner. Like I was dressed for a concert, not to meet my boyfriend’s Episcopal parents….

So his parents live in a nice neighborhood, on a nice block, in a nice house with kids playing in the street and green lawns everywhere. We walk in, and the first thing you’re greeted with is “Through God all things are possible…” on the wall right inside the doorway. I was aware there was a startling number of crosses in this house, but that was… odd… for me. Having just seen The Nun, I was already like, “This many crosses in one place definitely means there’s a demon here.”

crosses

Anyways, Addi pops out to say hello, and she’s 5, so she’s excited to see anyone and everyone. It was reassuring. She liked my hair.

So I’m looking around and this is one of those houses with like a sitting room, a dining room, and a living room. The sitting room is full of just… stuff. Like they have a floor, but every flat surface has papers or stuff sitting on it. Same with the formal dining table they don’t seem to use. We move to the living room and kitchen, and it’s much the same. There’s just… stuff. Toys, which were expected, but also the kitchen counter was overloaded with stuff. There was nowhere to like… cut things. The tops of the cabinets were covered in roosters and chickens (which I later found out his mom collects). The table in the kitchen, because this house is big enough for that kind of thing, was also pretty much fully covered in papers and stuff. THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF.

So that’s when it hits me.

I’ve been agonizing and torturing myself over the state of my home, now that I have someone to invite into it. He never cared. I found that odd. NOW IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE.

Honestly, it’s nice to see a home that looks lived in. I’m so used to people taking me to meet their parents and their house looks like some kind of show home. But like… it also took the pressure off. Do I want my house cleaner? Of course I do… but like, not for Chris. Now I don’t have to worry so much when he comes over that he’s judging me.

Anyways…
Lunch was weird. I didn’t really like it but I ate it. They took Hawaiian rolls, basted them with mayo, dijon mustard, sesame seeds, and then put ham on it and put it in the oven… I would have skipped the mayo, and added cheddar or something… Like, I dunno, it just wasn’t my thing, but I ate it because I like Chris and I wasn’t about to scoff at food his mother made.

Then we hung out for a while. His mom watched the football game, his dad was outside doing something with the lawn mower, and I played with Chris and Addi till it was time to go let my dogs out.

We were going to a concert, you see. I bought us tickets to see my friends in Scarlet Canary open for Saliva and Puddle of Mudd. We ended up having a lot of fun, after I overheated, almost passed out, had to go throw up, and ended up running into a coworker who let us sit at their table under a fan. If we go back to Herman’s for a big event, we will be buying a table. It’s worth the money. Plus both Chris and I aren’t good at standing. I guess he’s got angry knees, and between my shite heels and knee missing a ligament, we just need to accept that we’re old. Lol.

I wanted to introduce him to Hannah straight off, because how cool is it that I have my own personal Joan Jett? But she was so busy we didn’t manage to get to intros till the headliner, Puddle of Mudd, was up there. She was excited to meet the guy that got through all my off-putting bullshit. Lol. I was incredibly flattered that she was aware how hard it is to get through all my off-putting bullshit. Hahaha. It was a good time, though.

  • The first band, a local band, had a great sound instrumentally. I was less of a fan of the vocals… but still. Good sound instrumentally.
  • Scarlet Canary was next, and Hannah rocked her face off, as she does. I love her stage presence.
  • After that was a band called Tantric. I had to google them, because I knew nothing about them. Apparently they were originally the empty shell of what used to be Days of the New, and then the new lead singer kept the rights to their songs as Tantric, and now he has a whole new band setup…
    • He was a trip. After his gig I kept seeing him escorting many a thin blonde to the back where I assume he was storing them in his tour bus for later. I swear he was up to like six. I mentioned this to Hannah and she laughed when I said I was memorizing their faces in case they showed up as missing on the news the next day.
  • The Veer Union was a surprise. They were AWESOME. I will be listening to lots more of The Veer Union. And the lead singer was so freaking nice. I saw him greeting fans and selling merch and he just seemed like a stellar guy.
    • They also did a compilation cover of Linkin Park songs that gave me chills.
  • Saliva was interesting. So I guess in 2012 they got a new lead singer who looks like my friend Rob in another life. It was trippy. They put on a good show. I was happy with it. I’d see it again for sure.
  • Puddle of Mudd… I’m not saying they were super high… but Wes Scantlin seemed high as fuck. He forgot lines, and missed verses, and all his notes were off… but like… it was still fun. I had fun, even if he was high as balls.
    • Saliva was better. Go see Saliva.

Afterwards we went home, watched The Orville, and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning sick… Chris went home and took an Emergen-C packet… I spent Monday and Tuesday in bed sick. I read a book called In The Shadow of Lakecrest that was an unexpectedly great historical gothic fiction. I definitely thought it would be a horror novel… it was not.

Also, this weekend I decided to name Chris’ penis… because why not? I decided it should be the name of the horse that won the Kentucky Derby the year he was born, but “Spend a Buck” is clunky… so I’m calling it Buck. Lol. Oh man I’m a nerd.

As a closing note… I think I’m in love, guys… it’s fucking weird… but like… I’m so happy.