Baby, It’s A 1940s Cultural Miscommunication

We’ve all heard it. Maybe you’ve heard the 1940s original recordings and you associate it with Dinah Shore and Buddy Clark, or maybe you’ve heard the popular 2014 Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé cover, but you’ve probably heard Baby, It’s Cold Outside at some point in your life. I, personally, associate it with a light A Capella version I saw on the Drew Carey Show back in the 90s, where he and his girlfriend sing it quietly before falling into each other’s arms. It’s a wintry duet that can be a lovely background soundtrack for a romantic evening with someone.

OR IS IT A TALE OF DRUGGING, COERCION, AND DATE RAPE?!

It’s not. I’m just gonna let you know that upfront. It’s not that.

If you’re alive and on the internet or in America right now, you probably know about the controversy surrounding the 1944 popular Christmas song, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” by Frank Loesser. It’s not surprising that something from the 1940s does not translate well into 2018. A 74 year old PERSON does not translate that well into 2018, much less a song based on a culture that’s since been dragged into the street and beaten to death. While many find the tune timeless, it definitely has the mark of its time period on it. It’s only recently, with the rise of the #MeToo Movement and women generally being sick of the shit they’ve taken for… ever… that the song has come under scrutiny. It’s because the lyrics are based in a culture very foreign to today’s social politics.

What is 1940s culture?

The biggest contributor to America culture in the 1940s was World War II, but a lot was going on. It was a terrible time to be alive, really. Kids were still dying of Polio. Boys went to war and didn’t come back, or men returned with blood in their eyes and without their hearts. The Holocaust claimed 11 million to 17 million lives. Gandhi was assassinated. Atomic warfare is no longer a threat, but a real act of global terrorism that the US launched on the sovereign nation of Japan.

From this turbulent time in history we got things like Casablanca: classic romantic wartime film featuring leading man Humphrey Bogart, Meet Me in St. Louis: a Judy Garland musical spectacular set in 1903, leading up to the World’s Fair, Fantasia: a musical adventure in animation that has its own problematic features, and It’s a Wonderful Life: a heartwarming Christmas story about suicide, featuring James Stewart. Musically, crooners were in and swing dance was all the rage. Fashion wise, we saw the rise of business look for women, as they entered the work force, and a generally utilitarian and modest look with sharp angles.

The Plight Of Reputation

Don’t let the women entering the workforce fool you; this wasn’t a great time to have a vagina. This is before the cliche 1950s housewife in heels pushing a vacuum and serving her husband a martini after he gets home from work. So what is life like for a woman in the 1940s?

Well, outside of wartime culture, we have wholesome American values in the 40s. Nuclear families of a man that works, a woman that is a homemaker, and a slew of children she’s responsible for raising and he’s vaguely responsible for beating. Also, any unhappiness in that nuclear family is FAMILY matter, and don’t you dare tell your friends, because you’ll bring shame on the family… and you’ll get whipped for it.

But Baby, It’s Cold Outside isn’t about a married couple, as we know, because the woman has to leave. It’s about a single man and woman having a nice evening with some drinks. So, we get into 1940s dating culture, and hookup culture. Contrary to what people would have you believe, hookup culture is not new. My mother had hookups. My grandmother had hookups. Going all the way back to whatever gross fish-monster dragged itself out the sea, we’ve been fucking people we don’t love. It’s fine. There’s nothing terrible about that, unless it’s the 1940s and people want to pretend that promiscuity is a sin and a disease.

Now, I cannot say whether the couple in the song are dating or if he brought her home from a bar in the hopes of a one night stand, but regardless we’re addressing a couple who are willingly together sharing a nice evening. The disconnect between the 40s and the 2010s is easy to identify, but hard for people to grasp because the language is different.

In the 2010s, if a single woman goes home with a man and decides to stay the night, we don’t really think about that. Did they have sex? We don’t know. It’s not our business, and that’s the way it should be. Maybe she’ll go home the next morning and text all her friends about this great guy she hooked up with last night and banter about how to ask him on a second date, or maybe she’ll keep it to herself and never call him again, or some mixture of the two. Most of us don’t care, do we? No. A select few, however, like to hold onto those classic, wholesome, American values.

In the 1940s, an unchaperoned woman staying the night at a man’s house is a fucking SCANDAL. She’s a whore! A WHORE I TELL YOU! I bet she has syphilis. I bet she’s had abortions. I bet she pisses on the cross and reports everything back to the Soviets or the Japanese! And as you’re reading that, I hope you’re either offended or laughing at the ludicrous nature of those accusations: both are correct responses. In the 1940s, that was a woman’s reality, though. As a result, “putting up a fight” or “playing coy” was not just an art form used to flirt with men, it was a necessity to maintain your reputation as a good girl.

It’s here, in this scope of reality that many a woman lived through, that we set the scene for this classic Christmas song. A woman likes a man, maybe they’re dating and maybe not, but she’s having a nice time and she wants to stay. The problem is, as the song details, a lot of people are going to talk about it. Her mother will worry, because she’s out and people will talk. Her father will pace the floor, because no one can deflower his daughter without a white dress and a legal document. The neighbors might think— that’s right, they’re gonna think she’s a whore. Her sister will suspect, her brother will be waiting for her like some kind of disciplinarian, her aunt’s mind is vicious and she’s a fucking gossip because she’s a spinster with nothing better to do. All this weighs on her mind, because there’s bound to be talk, but maybe she’ll have half a drink more. 

THE DRINKING! Let’s talk about the drinking. Prohibition ended in 1933, and if there’s one thing Americans are great at, it’s drinking, doing something stupid, and blaming it on being drunk. The 1940s and women are no exception, but in the 1940s it was a running joke to say “what’s in this drink” when you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you’re sitting around with your gal pals later and gossiping about something you shouldn’t have done, you blame it on the drink, they giggle, and everyone knows you didn’t need to be drunk to do it. We have jokes like this now. I, personally, accuse everyone I work with of being on crack every single time they do something stupid. Do I think they’re on crack? Nah. Will people know that in 74 years? Maybe not, because I come from a time when crack was a thing, so why would I joke about it? Because it’s fun to accuse people of using crack, obviously.

So let’s put this all together. Someone out there thinks Baby, It’s Cold Outside is a song about possibly drugging a woman, then coercing her to stay and have sex against her better judgement and/or will. No. It’s a song about a sexually repressed woman, who’s having a nice time, and in spite of all the gossip and possible repercussions of the act, she says she must go, in the most long, drawn out and flirty way possible, and then stays…. but at least she can say she tried, and blame it on maybe having too much to drink, whether they even drank alcohol or not.

This song is from 1944… and if you don’t recognize that so many things have changed in terms of women and sexuality, and what they’re allowed to want and do in 2018 that they would have been scorned, judged, and persecuted for in the 1940s. Yes, the wording is deceiving when taken at face value, but it’s not hard to sit for a moment and think about the context.

By the way… this song was written by a married man for he and his wife to perform, predominantly at parties, not by a single dude trying to figure out a way to coerce women into becoming another notch on his bedpost, like so many songs today….

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Zombie Crawl

Okay, let’s backup to Wednesday.

Wednesday I went to dinner with Chris and Addi. We didn’t do anything fancy, just Panda Express, but I had a hard month-end and it was nice to see my boyfriend. Chris makes me incredibly nervous with his daughter, though. Like at Panda Express he let her go pick a table while we checked out. I kept my eyes glued to her, and he just nonchalantly paid and stuff like it was no big deal. Granted the whole place only allows her to be like 50 ft from us at any time, I just never let a kid in my care go do stuff like that before. Especially at 5. Aside from that, Addi doesn’t like to eat. She only wanted white rice, and she didn’t want to eat much of that, either. I guess it’s a common thing with her.

When she decided to show me the food in her mouth, I couldn’t help it… I told her that her dad might spank her, but if she showed me food in her mouth again I was going to drag her off and feed her to one of my monsters. Now… this was not the best idea I’ve ever had, but Chris backed me up on being a witch with a slew of monsters at home.

After dinner, Chris texted how sorry he was that Addi isn’t a great diner. I told him the truth: Addi is a 5 year old whose parents split up this year. Both parents have new love interests and her whole life got up-ended in about 6 months. She’s going to act out. But all things considered, she’s fine. To ease his mind I suggested we do dinner with Addi every Wednesday, so she can get to know me and practice eating in different kinds of restaurants. He appreciated that.

Thursday I wasn’t supposed to see Chris, but he had a really bad day at work. He seems to be the kind of person who wants to have a purpose in life, above him raising kids. While I support that, I’m not really that kind of person. I’m just sliding through life, but I’m good in times of panic. So he had a panic attack at work, and I talked him down, and then that evening I offered to buy him dinner or something so he could just relax. I ended up buying him frozen custard from Good Times, and we sat in a shady parking lot and ate it and talked like teenagers. Turns out Chris, like me, eats when stressed. Also, he stops eating when it gets too hard. Noted. I reminded him that he might not like where his life is, but that his life isn’t awful. He’s treading water, and he should give himself a break. It’s been a hard year for him. He listened to me, and I think he felt better by the time he went home.

Friday I went to Chris’ place to watch Batman vs Jack the Ripper (Gotham by Gaslight). It was weird, but mostly I just enjoyed hanging out with him. That’s… the big thing I’m a fan of. Lol.

Saturday was Zombie Crawl. We took Addi. So we took the train down, because Addi loves the train, and who really wants to drive and park in downtown Denver? So we get downtown, and I took this adorable picture.

ZombieCrawl

Daddy-Daughter Day

When we found the zombies, Addi decided she was into being dead, but not bloody. So we did some dead but not bloody makeup. I was slightly disappointed. I am good at blood. Oh well. Maybe next year. We wandered around and I took lots of pictures. Then we had pizza and zipped home.

Chris was supposed to come over, but decided against it when he discovered he opened the next day, so I decided to go to bed…. but could not.

My mother ventured to our work’s Oktoberfest event. My coworker promised she’d get her back to her car, but at 9pm my “always home before she turns into a pumpkin” mother was not home. So… come to find out that true to form, everyone at the party got hammered. My coworker conned her friend into driving my mom back to her car instead of letting her take the train or Lyft. Then his car overheated. Then they finally made it back. Mom got home around 11.

It turns out that a whole lot of shit went down with my drunk ass coworker. I’m no gossip… so I’m not gonna repeat the hearsay I definitely heard, but damn it’s juicy shit. OH MAN. That tea so good. You don’t even know. But, that’s exactly why I don’t go to the parties. I have no desire to get wrecked and lose credibility with my coworkers or bosses. I was much happier at home.

Last night Chris came over after work and we finished Hereditary. Then we watched Irish people drink bourbon and several other random YouTubes, because unlike me, somethings still creep Chris out. It was a pretty uneventful evening, except for one thing… we were going to sleep and were fooling around when Chris goes “I want to stop.” So, of course we stop, and I’m like, “are you okay?” And he proceeds to tell me how he was panicking because he thought he was telepathic for a minute. That boy can’t hold his MK Ultra… but who can? Lol. So adorable.

This weekend Chris has a Magic tournament, but maybe I’ll get him to see HellFest or Venom with me. 😛

Already looking forward to the weekend.

But not Wednesday. I have to get a pap smear Wednesday. Not excited.

Beer Fest

 

 

 

 

 

So Friday night I went to dinner with Cat. We got tacos, and margaritas, and then went to Movie Tavern for more drinks, and then we saw Army of Darkness with Robyn. It was even worse than I remembered… but it was a good time!

Saturday, was beer fest day, but first Chris and I went to breakfast at Le Peep. I was slightly hungover and he was really nice about it. Afterward, we had to kill some time before an appointment he had, so we went to the park. I always forget how good of a workout swinging is. We just hung out on the swings. I tried to get him on the merry-go-round, but he didn’t fall for it. Afterwards, we took this ridiculous selfie and went off to his appointment. It took like 5 minutes, and then we had time to kill before we headed downtown.

So, we took a nap before going to his friend Rob’s place. Rob got tickets to the Great American Beer Festival, for his family, but I guess they bailed on him. So, he asked Chris if he wanted to go. I presume that’s when Chris asked if I wanted to go with them. I was obviously nervous, since this was the first time I was meeting one of Chris’ friends. Turns out, though… Rob’s a cool dude. He hadn’t been to the beer fest before, either, but he knew people made pretzel necklaces for it. So we made some while we rode the train down to the festival.

20180922_1751292977867474436706085.jpgSo the way it worked was you got a 1 oz glass, and your ticket gets you in to taste ALL THE BEER. Over 400 brewers, at 2-6 flavors a stall… we drank for like 3 hours. Here is my favorite booth we saw. They had syper cool buttons for their beers. I got one of each… because I’m THAT guy. We went to the Fiction booth, and I made them try Madame Psychosis. We tried some great IPAs. The boys had a peanut butter porter that sounds gross to me, but they seemed to like it. We just walked around and had a genuinely good time. Next year we need a plan, though. We kept trying to find selections that were tapped out, and we walked the floor back and forth several times, because we didn’t go in alphabetical order or with any real direction. Lol.

I, being slightly allergic to wheat, stopped drinking about an hour before the boys did. We got a plate of tacos, I followed them all over the floor several times. The end was hard. My beer drunk faded off, and my heels hurt, and my knee hurt, and I had a headache from drinking beer I shouldn’t have, and I was tired… but I kept up and didn’t let on until we got home.

I drove Chris’ Jeep back to my place, as I’d sobered up, and we went upstairs. We watched an episode of The Orville, and then Regular Show, and then decided to go to sleep. I mention all of that because I am continually surprised at how delighted I am to do such mundane things with Chris. I just like being with him. It’s a feeling I’ve never been conscious of knowing. I know I just enjoyed being around people before, but never so strongly, and I’ve never been so aware of it.

I was sad he had to get up and go to work, but I had a pretty good day. I wasn’t hungover, so that was good. I watched American Horror Story with mom, and we had lunch. Frankie and Bdo hung out with her for the evening, so it was exciting that Frankie was all excited to see me today. I love Frankie. I love Bdo, too, but when I went to bring them home he tried to bite me… because that’s Bdo. We came home and took a nap. And I’ve just been hanging out since then.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow…. work… and Mom isn’t back until Wednesday… but it’s been such a nice weekend… so I guess it’s fine… Lol. I’d rather spend it staring into Chris’ eyes… like the in-love-psycho I am.

Puddle of Mudd with Saliva!!! (woo)

So let’s see. It’s been a week.
Not a lot happened during the week, but the weekend was fun.

Saturday I got my hair done. I changed it from teal to orange for autumn. I also whacked off the sides, so instead of a fade I just have the sides super crew cut short and it’s long and orange on top. Mom hated it, but I think it will grow on her.

I also got new glasses! Because I needed to see.

Orange

Sunday was an adventure.

So we’d already arranged for Chris to meet my mom at The Nun. Because what other way would you introduce parents to your boyfriend than at a horror movie? He was late, because he and his dad had to go get his sign from his shop. (It never occurred to me that people purchase those signs and then have to figure out what to do with them after the shop goes under.) So his dad dropped him off. He managed to say hello to Mom, but they didn’t get to like… interact that much.

The Nun, btw, wasn’t a BAD movie. It was disappointing only because I expected it to be as good as I felt The Conjuring and The Conjuring 2 were… It’s more of Annabelle territory… like… fun but not outstanding.

After that, he invited me to go meet HIS parents and have lunch.
So.
Let me preface this with, I was dressed in black, wearing skulls, with my new orange hair, and heavy eyeliner. Like I was dressed for a concert, not to meet my boyfriend’s Episcopal parents….

So his parents live in a nice neighborhood, on a nice block, in a nice house with kids playing in the street and green lawns everywhere. We walk in, and the first thing you’re greeted with is “Through God all things are possible…” on the wall right inside the doorway. I was aware there was a startling number of crosses in this house, but that was… odd… for me. Having just seen The Nun, I was already like, “This many crosses in one place definitely means there’s a demon here.”

crosses

Anyways, Addi pops out to say hello, and she’s 5, so she’s excited to see anyone and everyone. It was reassuring. She liked my hair.

So I’m looking around and this is one of those houses with like a sitting room, a dining room, and a living room. The sitting room is full of just… stuff. Like they have a floor, but every flat surface has papers or stuff sitting on it. Same with the formal dining table they don’t seem to use. We move to the living room and kitchen, and it’s much the same. There’s just… stuff. Toys, which were expected, but also the kitchen counter was overloaded with stuff. There was nowhere to like… cut things. The tops of the cabinets were covered in roosters and chickens (which I later found out his mom collects). The table in the kitchen, because this house is big enough for that kind of thing, was also pretty much fully covered in papers and stuff. THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF.

So that’s when it hits me.

I’ve been agonizing and torturing myself over the state of my home, now that I have someone to invite into it. He never cared. I found that odd. NOW IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE.

Honestly, it’s nice to see a home that looks lived in. I’m so used to people taking me to meet their parents and their house looks like some kind of show home. But like… it also took the pressure off. Do I want my house cleaner? Of course I do… but like, not for Chris. Now I don’t have to worry so much when he comes over that he’s judging me.

Anyways…
Lunch was weird. I didn’t really like it but I ate it. They took Hawaiian rolls, basted them with mayo, dijon mustard, sesame seeds, and then put ham on it and put it in the oven… I would have skipped the mayo, and added cheddar or something… Like, I dunno, it just wasn’t my thing, but I ate it because I like Chris and I wasn’t about to scoff at food his mother made.

Then we hung out for a while. His mom watched the football game, his dad was outside doing something with the lawn mower, and I played with Chris and Addi till it was time to go let my dogs out.

We were going to a concert, you see. I bought us tickets to see my friends in Scarlet Canary open for Saliva and Puddle of Mudd. We ended up having a lot of fun, after I overheated, almost passed out, had to go throw up, and ended up running into a coworker who let us sit at their table under a fan. If we go back to Herman’s for a big event, we will be buying a table. It’s worth the money. Plus both Chris and I aren’t good at standing. I guess he’s got angry knees, and between my shite heels and knee missing a ligament, we just need to accept that we’re old. Lol.

I wanted to introduce him to Hannah straight off, because how cool is it that I have my own personal Joan Jett? But she was so busy we didn’t manage to get to intros till the headliner, Puddle of Mudd, was up there. She was excited to meet the guy that got through all my off-putting bullshit. Lol. I was incredibly flattered that she was aware how hard it is to get through all my off-putting bullshit. Hahaha. It was a good time, though.

  • The first band, a local band, had a great sound instrumentally. I was less of a fan of the vocals… but still. Good sound instrumentally.
  • Scarlet Canary was next, and Hannah rocked her face off, as she does. I love her stage presence.
  • After that was a band called Tantric. I had to google them, because I knew nothing about them. Apparently they were originally the empty shell of what used to be Days of the New, and then the new lead singer kept the rights to their songs as Tantric, and now he has a whole new band setup…
    • He was a trip. After his gig I kept seeing him escorting many a thin blonde to the back where I assume he was storing them in his tour bus for later. I swear he was up to like six. I mentioned this to Hannah and she laughed when I said I was memorizing their faces in case they showed up as missing on the news the next day.
  • The Veer Union was a surprise. They were AWESOME. I will be listening to lots more of The Veer Union. And the lead singer was so freaking nice. I saw him greeting fans and selling merch and he just seemed like a stellar guy.
    • They also did a compilation cover of Linkin Park songs that gave me chills.
  • Saliva was interesting. So I guess in 2012 they got a new lead singer who looks like my friend Rob in another life. It was trippy. They put on a good show. I was happy with it. I’d see it again for sure.
  • Puddle of Mudd… I’m not saying they were super high… but Wes Scantlin seemed high as fuck. He forgot lines, and missed verses, and all his notes were off… but like… it was still fun. I had fun, even if he was high as balls.
    • Saliva was better. Go see Saliva.

Afterwards we went home, watched The Orville, and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning sick… Chris went home and took an Emergen-C packet… I spent Monday and Tuesday in bed sick. I read a book called In The Shadow of Lakecrest that was an unexpectedly great historical gothic fiction. I definitely thought it would be a horror novel… it was not.

Also, this weekend I decided to name Chris’ penis… because why not? I decided it should be the name of the horse that won the Kentucky Derby the year he was born, but “Spend a Buck” is clunky… so I’m calling it Buck. Lol. Oh man I’m a nerd.

As a closing note… I think I’m in love, guys… it’s fucking weird… but like… I’m so happy.

Happy

Things are still going well with Chris…
I know.
I’m as shocked as you are.

I think I’m kind of in like with him. He’s so fucking nice, and I love being around him… he’s just… great. I don’t have like… a better explanation. I just like him. I wanna be around him as much as humanly possible. It’s weird, because I dislike seeing people too often, and I don’t like to cuddle, and I don’t like to make-out, or be touched very much, and all these things… but I like to with him.

He staid over last night. Poor guy had to get up at 4 and we went to bed at midnight. He was a good sport about it, though. He had said he wanted to come back tonight, to ACTUALLY watch The Conjuring with me… but we’ll see. I don’t wanna get my hopes up too high, but I just like seeing the guy. It makes me happy. HE makes me happy.

Don’t get me wrong… A married dude with two kids who lives with his parents wasn’t what I was really looking for… but I don’t really mind kids, and he’s got a job, and his goal is to get divorced and not live with his parents anymore. I’m willing to be patient about the things that aren’t ideal. It’s worth the risk that he’ll run back to his wife, because I’m just so happy right now. I don’t think he will, considering her boyfriend picked up Chris’ daughter to go to a wedding with the wife this week… cuz that’s pretty serious business, but until the divorce is finalized I run the risk anything could happen. Lol.

It is what it is… but I’m so very happy right now.. so… I don’t care.

Things Are… Good. Mostly.

I’ve been seeing more of Chris. I really like him. Probably more than I should.

He has this way about him. He’s not like… dreamy… but he’s just such a nice person. He makes me feel smart and interesting and pretty. What more could you ask for? He calls me fascinating, which is a highly under-utilized compliment.

Last Sunday we saw The Meg before he went into work. It was a hilarious movie. He let me lay on him, and afterwards I found out he was going into work late, technically, because he’d made plans with me before he knew his schedule. So… that’s fun. Working around his whack work schedule has been a little hard, but we’re making it work. Even Mom is on board, I guess cuz I seem really happy and whatnot, and she let me go early from work so I could have him over Wednesday night. We got pizza and watched Tusk and Cabin in the Woods. We also got intimate, which I thought I’d have a panic attack over, but I didn’t and he made it a lot easier than my anxiety ridden brain thought it was gonna be.

He was supposed to come over last night to watch The Conjuring. I have to catch him up on all the horror movies, because his ex hated spooky things. But, he forgot about back to school night. That’s okay, though. Being up late Wednesday night, and then the fuck of a day I had Thursday, I was kind of excited to go home and wear PJs and do very little. Lol. He said maybe he can take me to breakfast to make up for it this weekend.

I told him not to worry so much about it. I like that he wants to see me, but I also know he’s got a life. He’s trying to get back on his feet so he doesn’t have to live with his parents, and he’s taking care of a 5 year old, and he’s gotta worry about his other daughter in another state, and like… I get that he’s got shit going on. I, too, often have shit going on. So, I just enjoy his Snapchats and texts and hopefully we can hangout again soon. Sexy Times or No.

Tbh I oddly enjoyed sexy time. Being so very asexual as I am, it wasn’t on my agenda or anything, but like, I really like this dude so I kind of wanted to just to solidify that I like him… which sounds bad, but that’s because I’m a very asexual person trying to convey to an allosexual that I’m interested. I’m sex positive, though, so it’s not like it was traumatizing for me or anything. I gave him permission to kiss me, and it just escalated. I was okay with it, though. He’s real sweet even in bed. He likes to cuddle. He likes to kiss. It feels a lot safer than some other encounters I’ve had. He’s fun, too. We laughed more than once. I wish he could have staid the night, though. I like sleeping next to people. But again, he’s gotta be home for when his daughter wakes up. So, I get it.

I hope he keeps me around a while. He seems to want to. He keeps inviting me to things months out, like Scallywag Fest and Devildriver in November. So… I think he likes me back, genuinely.


Frankie is doing good. She took her splint off a week early. She’s walking on it just fine, though, so I left it off. I’ll tell the vet she took it off today. Maybe it will save me an xray fee.

Kyrie, Kira, and Bdo still aren’t sure what to do with her. She’s a lot to deal with. So much energy. She’s also been terrorizing Mom’s dogs. Everyone is so much older than her, they just can’t keep up. Lol. She’s a happy little girl, though. I have no regrets.


I’ve been having weird mood fluctuations. I’m not sure what it’s from. Been up and down. I’m hesitant to tell my shrink when I see her, because I really don’t want to mess with my meds unless I have to. So we’ll see.

New Beginnings

I will never stop grieving the loss of my Keagan. Let me make that perfectly clear. I’m not leaving him behind. I’m not forgetting him. I could never replace him. No one could ever mean more to me than he did. To that end, I wear a picture of us on a silver necklace every single day, and intend to wear it every single day, forever.

That being said, one must live. So, I’ve began to do a number of rash and spontaneous things. For once this is not binge eating or drinking too much… instead I started by whacking off my hair.

37067844_2117377648534694_1466114823388397568_o37130307_2117774268495032_359393856782860288_o

My hair dresser, quite correctly, was terrified this would be a bad idea. I’d gone quite short once before and hated it, but this time… I think I have it on lock this time. I just needed change. I needed to get rid of the baggage I was metaphorically carrying around, and nothing quite feels like lifting that, than whacking off a good 7 inches of hair.

37650652_2124475984491527_7616077764386357248_o I didn’t stop there, though. My next feat was to SPIKE that do up into a mohawk, much to the dismay of my mother. I loved it. I relished how much she hated it, but smiled anyway, in that way she does when she doesn’t like what I’m doing but supports my choice to do so. I enjoyed the feeling of doing something I’d yearned for since I was was in high school, but didn’t have the courage to do. I liked feeling edgy, even though I’m nearly 30. I liked the stares, in particular a little girl with tight, kinky hair piled high on her head. She stared at me like something she couldn’t even fathom existing, and I bent down to tell her I liked her hair. I wallowed in my mixture of self-consciousness and pride in my appearance. It was a wonderful day, that was only to get better.

dl5zpyw5k3jeb.cloudfront.net On Thursday, I’d gotten an email about a puppy. I’d setup an alert email for shelter corgis within 50 miles on PetFinder. I didn’t expect to find one, or that if I did that I could even afford to adopt it, but I liked the emails full of furry faces with big ears just the same. But, Friday morning I was sent this sad little face. I can’t say why, but I fell in love. That face made me want to cry and all I wanted was to hold this puppy.

The shelter, Moms and Mutts, is specifically a shelter for pregnant and nursing strays, as they’re often put down in other shelters because a litter of puppies takes up a lot of room. I had arranged to head over and just LOOK at this little ball of joy with Mom after work, but i37620963_2124904891115303_3004902537829548032_nt turns out this isn’t really that kind of shelter. Instead, I was directed to fill out an adoption application. They wouldn’t tell me how much the adoption would be, but I filled it out anyways. I expected to be rejected, because I have so many animals already, and I would be kenneling the puppy while I went to work. At least, I thought, I could say that I tried.

Obviously, I got approved.

I was waiting for a phone call from the shelter, letting me know if I got approved, and Saturday afternoon after Mom and I went to see Incredibles 2, I was idly checking my email. There it was… an email saying I sounded like a great home for a puppy. The puppy I’d applied for would be at an adoption event on Saturday from 11-5 at the nearby mall. It was 3pm. I thought very hard about not going, because it was already so late in the day. At the end of it, I wanted to know the pup went to a good home and wasn’t still sitting there, though. So, I rang up Mom to see if she wanted to go look at puppies with me, just to see if my puppy was there. She wasn’t excited but she came. I figured she’d take me to dinner as a consolation prize after we discovered my puppy adopted.

37583688_2124904851115307_6138505724893855744_nImagine my surprise when Mom and I arrived and there she was. The only one of her litter left. I asked about the price… It was a lot. A very lot. I was disheartened. I am used to the Dumb Friends League’s prices, and usually I don’t get actual puppies. That was when something unexpected happened. My mother asked if that was the one I wanted.

My mother is against us each having five animals. Four dogs and a cat is a lot, and while the passing of Keagan broke her heart as much as mine, for she’d bought him for me to take care of me, and he’d done a very good job of that, she was glad to see we were at least going down in numbers a little. So, it was much to my surprise when she had me go ask what the price included, and when I reported back it included the first round of shots, puppy deworming, microchipping, a month of pet insurance, and her spay. Mom ran the numbers in her head, determined that was an acceptable price for all that, and if I wanted the puppy… she’d put it on her Amazon card and rack up some points.

I cried. Like a lot. She got mad at me for crying about it, because it made her also cry. I was just so grateful, and then she took me to Petco and helped me buy my new little bundle of joy some sweaters, puppy pads, a collar, etc. I have a really good Mom.

“I would do anything to make you happy.”
-My mom on why she helped me get a puppy

So that’s what I’ve been up to.

I named the puppy Frankie. As the smallest in her litter, she’s a whole 2 lbs 3 oz, and in great health. I took her to the vet and they looked her over for me, and decided to de-worm her again, just in case, but didn’t charge me for the exam. She came out of a corgi, but we don’t know what the father was. I’m guessing it may have been a chihuahua, but it’s hard to say. Her whole litter all look different. One looks like a teddy bear. It’s crazy. So we’ll see what she grows up into.

I was worried the dogs wouldn’t like her, especially Kira since she is oh so possessive… but much to my surprise, Kyrie and Kira LOVE her. They play with her in the house and in the yard, and they’re not that put off by her except that she’s very loud when she wants to be. It’s pretty cute since they’re both 45-ish lb dogs and she’s so very small. I was surprised Bdo isn’t into the puppy… he seems to feel like she’s infringing on his territory of being the baby. I’ve gone to great lengths to try and keep almost everything the same as it was, but he is still offended. She tries to play-bow him and he blatantly just walks away from her. It’s sad, but funny. Kato… I was really hoping Kato would like Frankie, but she’s hissed at her a couple times and I caught her swatting at her once. I guess it makes sense, since the ONLY dog Kato liked was Keagan, but it’s still kind of sad. I thought they could be buddies.

The first couple of nights were bad. She’s 11 weeks old and it shows… she cries at night, she didn’t like sleeping in the kennel, and she has to potty at night… but I went and bought a baby toy that makes a heart beat sound… and she’s sleeping better than ever now. She still has to pee at 1am, but getting up once is better than 6 or 7 times.


Also… I’m seeing a dude.

We’re not serious or anything, but he’s super nice. His name is Chris, he’s 32, he used to own a game shop that went under, and he’s got 2 kids, 10 and 5. We talk about books and music a lot. He took me to tacos. I took him to Pathfinder and burrito. Yesterday we split the bill on some Korean BBQ.

I haven’t met his kids, yet. He asked if I wanted to and I told him no. It’s too soon. This could all crumble into little pieces at any second. He understood that, but he goes out of his way to text me on the daily if for nothing else than to say hi. I like him, but I want to go slow. He asked if he could kiss me when he dropped me at home yesterday, and I told him not yet. He was not offended.

I like that he’s patient with me. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not putting my metaphorical eggs in that basket, but it IS nice to have someone I look forward to hearing from… and he was excited about baby Frankie… so… hard to complain.


Things are still hard. The house is still a total wreck. I’m still not exercising. I still miss Keagan. I’m still not up on the housework.

Still, things are better. I’m not HAPPY, and I’m not even quite back to where I was before Keagan passed away, but I’m working on it. I’m on the road to it.