D2, D1, and D&D

D2 is out of the hospital.

I guess it was a productive visit, but he’s totally ruined his friendships with his little group from work. I wanna say I feel bad for him, but this is exactly where he was last year. The only difference is that he’d ruined his friendship with his roommate instead. They upgraded his diagnosis to BP1 and put him on Lithium. I hope it helps, but I still don’t feel any sympathy for it.

I don’t give myself permission to be sick. I don’t have the ability to spend three days in a psych ward and then take extended time off work to get myself together. I have to spread my crazy out over having mini breakdowns at home after work on my own god damn time. I just don’t understand people who can allow themselves to lose it… I can’t do that. I can’t live on disability. I can’t embarrass my family by going into a care facility. Maybe that’s a problem with me and how I’ve been trained to treat my mental illness, in the sense that I don’t allow myself to treat it like a real illness. It’s a thing, I deal with it, and I don’t let it effect my professional life even if it tears my personal life apart. (To be clear we don’t treat actual illness like illness either…. unless physically unable to, we still get up, go to work, and get through the flu or pneumonia or whatever on our own time.)

My foul mood doesn’t really end there. Yesterday I found out D1 is dating a rabbi, and that’s super cool, but it reminded me that I haven’t found anyone to even pretend I wanna go on a date with. So… I deleted my dating profile. As much as I love filling My Tumblr Blog with the stupid shit men like to send to me, it’s kind of depressing that I can’t even find a nice boy to go to dinner with. I’d pay for myself, btw… ain’t no freeloader looking for a free meal.

In my absence of a love life, or even a social life, I’m learning to play D&D, and even how to DM… because I have the time. I’m actually really excited. Cat, from work, said she’ll play with me, and we have some other people who might join later, too! I am looking forward to it… It’s definitely not easy to learn, though. There’s a lot of information to synthesize before creating a module, or even just a character.

So… that’s what’s going on in my life right now… not a lot, but I’m staying busy.

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Left Only to My Own Devices

Well, the Geodon my shrink prescribed knocked me out and caused violent tremors in my hands. The Abilify before that gave me wicked hot flashes, which don’t sound terrible until you have them. So, I decided, since neither the Abilify nor the Geodon worked for me, to give up the medication hunt.

I just don’t have time for the adjustment periods. I don’t think that shrinks really comprehend that SOME people that see them are NOT on disability and have to go to work. I complain about side effects and I just get told to wait them out for a month or two? My falling asleep at my desk, having violent tremors, and melting on a daily basis is unacceptable for a workplace. I can’t take something that will cause me to lose my job.

At least unmedicated I know I’ll get out of bed and go to work. It’s routine. I can stick to a routine. I know lots of people can’t when they’re in a very deep depression, but it’s a skill that I learned from my mom: how to do the minimum.

You get up, you look presentable, you go to work, and when you get home you can fall apart, so long as when the alarm goes off you get up again.

That’s what I watched through my childhood. It’s not so terrible an existence if you can pop in some diversity: a forced social interaction with friends here, a reluctant date there. The hard part is those little bits of diversity, because you don’t WANT to do them, but if you don’t it gets real monotonous and further depressing. Fortunately, I’m pretty good at annoying myself with the company of others, which I fully enjoy but not until I actually get there.

My shrink was disappointed. That’s okay, because I was disappointed in my shrink. I explicitly told her that I wanted to treat JUST my depression and that it had to work with my job and NOT be sedative. We discussed this upfront, and the things she gave me had terrible debilitating side effects and sedation! It’s not right for a shrink not to listen to my wants….

Geodon treats MANIA not DEPRESSION. A quick google search turned that up. I was going to overlook it, because maybe the cost of stifling my depression is a little bit less mania, but then I fell asleep at my desk at work and the tremors started. So I took the weekend to get back off the Geodon… and decided I’m better on my own.

I dunno that things will get any better, but at least I’m awake and in control of my body movements.

In other news, much to my dismay the guy from Friday night has texted me a few times since the event. I definitely thought that the disappointment would be on both ends, but apparently not. I’m trying to be distant without hurting his feelings. I just don’t know how to kindly tell someone you don’t wanna see them because the sex was bad… Seems like a thing you don’t say… You bottle it up and push it down with all your other feelings, adding to that tight little ball in your chest that will someday become cancer.

I could lie. I have considered lying… telling him some elaborate excuse to not see him involving my bipolar and shit… but I feel like he wouldn’t care if I were a crazy person… which makes it worse. I really wish this guy had some bad quality besides being lousy in the sack… It’s a shitty thing to shun someone for, but OUR GENITALS DON’T LINE UP… so it’s not really something we can work on or something I care to overlook. I refuse to fuck missionary position the rest of my life… or any part of it if I can help it.

I’m just conflicted about how to proceed. He’s a really nice guy and if we could fuck better I’d be down… but Darwinism has spoken, and we can’t… so what the fuck do I do? I could try to friend zone him, but honestly I find that worse than telling him he’s bad in the sack.

I dunno. I’ll meditate on it more. I just feel like he deserves something more than me being weird and eventually not speaking to him, but at the same time I have no idea what else to do…

Suggestions welcome.

I went with the crazy meds fucking me up. He was nice about it. I hate that he was nice about it.

Mediocre Life Choices

So, it turned out I know how to ride the metaphorical bike that is doing the sex.

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The following entry is a brief recount of my date last night and the breaking of my over 700 day celibacy streak. It’s not going to be real graphic, but it’s gonna be kind of gross.

You’ve been warned.

So I’ve been talking to this guy via text for over a week. He’s nice, he’s funny, he doesn’t know what red eye gravy is, and while he’s overwhelmingly normal, he’s not a bad conversationalist. I was legit excited for our date. I got all prettied up and went out to meet him with high hopes of maybe finding a boyfriend person… like the fucking sap I am when no one is looking.

Let’s get one thing straight: He’d not a bad dude.

In person he’s still nice and funny; and while not as good in person, he’s still a decent conversationalist (I have no idea if that sentence was punctuated correctly and I’m too lazy to reword it). Everything was totally fine, until he went to the bathroom, came back and wanted to sit next to me instead of across from me. That was a red flag for me… needy red flag… Still, whatever. I invited him to go to an art show I was interested in, but it was a cash bar so we never made it there… Finding an ATM takes effort, and who the fuck carries cash anymore? As the night went on, though, I was bored of sitting in the bar. So we went back to his house.

We played a little Crash Bandicoot, and then put on Alien 3… and he kept wanting to cuddle. I know that it’s probably some daddy-issue related weirdness with me, but I just don’t really like cuddling. I thought maybe if I let him kiss me he’d stop trying so hard, but HIS MOUTH WAS ENORMOUS. Like, I also already know that I’m weird cuz I don’t really dig tongue in my mouth, but his mouth literally covered mine. My face was just wet. It wouldn’t have been if I was like, YAAAS GIMME DAT TONGUE, but I’m not that person, so I had a wet face. So I’m a lil grossed out about that, he still won’t stop trying to cuddle me into the sofa, so I just decided FUCK IT.

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So… the idea was get it done and get out. That’s worked in the past, and it doesn’t have an effect on whether I enjoy myself, it’s just a good bypass for cuddling… but that is not how this went down

I thought I’d had sex with a fat guy before… and after this experience, I had not, but I have now.

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FIRST OF ALL he was trying to be seductive, but he pinned me down to the sofa and the weight of his body hurt my lungs. Literally, I couldn’t breathe and his big ass mouth kept covering up my face, so I was real excited when he suggested the bedroom, but he continued to vaguely suffocate me between his enormous mouth and the weight of his body. But I’m a good person, and I’m a big girl, so I can overlook that, right?

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SECOND OF ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS, our bodies didn’t fit together. Have you ever tried to picture an atypical couple having sex? Like I had a friend who was under 5′ and like 120 soaking wet, and she was dating this 300 lb 6′ tall guy for a while, and I would wonder how they made that work… Well, not all bodies DO work. If this were the wild he’d be S.O.L. for mating with me, because his hips are wider than mine. So like, we managed a half-ass, very suffocative missionary for a while, but me on top was a bust, because I couldn’t get my legs around him and still have leverage to move, and doggie style didn’t work because his stomach got in the way. Fat men need to be very well hung to have sex easily,untitled.png I now know. The struggle for them is real.

TO FINISH THINGS OFF he’s a freaking bear. I got suffocated by a bear. I dunno that I’ve addressed this, but I have qualms with body hair. I try really hard not to, because to be honest I don’t really shave like 90% of the time, but my body hair is blonde, soft, and sparse. This guy’s body hair was none of those things… It was dark, coarse, and plentiful, and it just grossed me out a little. With everything else going on this was definitely the least of my problems and the easiest to overlook, but it was still a problem for me. I was so not into it.

BONUS NOTE It’s good to know that any guy will still blindly accept that I probably definitely totally for realsound like a hentai character when I’m having sex. (/s) I don’t, when I’m legit having fun, but I keep thinking as I get older someone will be like, you’re faking so hard right now, but they never do. Just blind acceptance all over the place.

TO BE CLEAR it wasn’t the worst date or sexual encounter I’ve ever had, but it falls very short of the best.

Here I was being so worried about my performance, I didn’t really consider someone else would have problems, or that would turn out like some terrible scene in a bad romantic comedy.

In conclusion, it was a mediocre life choice and not how I wanted to end my sexless streak. I shoulda waited to see if I could even deal with his touchy-feely nature, but I was in such a hurry to break my celibacy that I just jumped into it.

That’s also vaguely how I lost my virginity… overzealous and just wanting to get it over with more than anything.

I dunno that I’m still interested in the dude. He really wanted me to stay and cuddle and stuff, but I was real into going home… Gonna have to think real hard about this… Seems shitty to ditch someone because the sex isn’t good, but people do that, right?

I Forgot How to Ride a Bike (Also, Another Ex Got Married)

This week has sucked. Monday I had food poisoning. Tuesday I was just unable to focus. Wednesday I got my new crazy meds and they put me to sleep at work. All I can do is hope that it gets better from here… and it should… I have a good weekend planned, but then…

Woke up from a sex dream this morning, and I’ll spare you the raunchy details, but it gave me an idea. “Hey, I’ve got a date Saturday… and I’d like to get laid… maybe I could ask him if he’d like to go back to his place for dessert! YEA! INNUENDO!” That was immediately followed with meditating on the fact I’m pretty sure my generation has done away with the idea that sleeping with someone on the first date makes you a ho and——–“OMG I HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE SUMMER 2015… Do I even remember how to have sex?!”

So yeah. That’s real facts right there… I have no idea if I remember how to have sex. That’s a terrifying thought at 28. On the bright side, from this guy’s profile, he might not care. He’s really nice, too, so that’s helpful.

I feel like maybe a couple dates in I could probably be like, “Hey, so here’s my situation, but I’d like to bang you?” but my plan to be all spontaneous and shit might not be the best course of action, since I’d prolly have a panic attack and ruin everything.

My friends have attempted to reassure me… One just said sex isn’t that hard to do and it’ll come back to me… The other said it’s like riding a bike… Here’s the thing… Last time I tried to ride a bike, I realized I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.

Blue Bike by Thomas Cummings

The bike is obviously a metaphor… I just… I’m not really comfortable with the whole idea of having to tell someone that. So don’t tell them. Okay, brain, but if I don’t tell them and I’m terrible in bed they’re gonna think I just go around being a bad lay, and I have been a lot of things in my life, but I haven’t been a bad lay since I was 14.

I’m sure honesty is the best policy, but it gives me wicked anxiety… cuz then they’re gonna ask why.

So why haven’t I had sex for so long? Well… to be honest I dunno.

I could say it was because the last time was so awful. If you didn’t read that entry, I SCARED THE LITERAL FUCK OUT OF A GUY who also turned out to be homeless. Who knew? I met him at a poly party. Those people aren’t usually homeless or easily scared.

I could say it’s because I’m asexual, which I still maintain is true, but it’s not why. For me sex is like going Elitches… sounds fun, but I’m gonna complain about getting hot and sweaty and being tired, and then if you can get me there I’ll never want to leave… cuz it’s fun.

I could say I’ve been celibate… I could say a lot of things, but at the end of the day I just haven’t been sexually attracted to anyone. Actually it’s not even that, it’s that I’ve been actually sexually repelled from people since then. I’m not picky about things like looks 9/10 times someone wants to get down or ask me on a date… but for the past two years I just haven’t been interested, and people expressing interest in me actually made me revolted.

I dunno what’s different now, but that guy I’m seeing Saturday just texted me good morning and I legit involuntarily smiled… FUCK. I don’t have time to have legit interest in someone… sigh… Still… I like that he texted. Lol.

IN OTHER NEWS! Vaunder got married. I don’t know that I’ve touched on Vaun a whole lot. He was an ex from when I was 17-18. He was an introverted gamer with a crazy family.

I had a good two years with him, and part of me thought we’d end up married, but the rest of me was in Manic Depressive hell, on trial and error drugs trying to stabilize my mood, suffering from Bulimia, and binge drinking so much I can’t even tell you who I slept with since Vaun didn’t come out with me.

I liked Vaun. He was a sweet guy that definitely deserved better. Now it looks like he has, and I’m super stoked for him, even though we haven’t spoken in like ten years. Lol. I went out and stalked him and found out they got married at Ren Fest last weekend (which I was also at…) I went snooping to get a picture, and here it is.

For the record he didn’t look like this when we dated 10 years ago. Lol. All my mom could say was, “that could’ve been you.” Honestly, I’m glad it’s not… we weren’t real compatible outside of a good sex life. Still, I’m glad he found someone. He deserved better than me, and it seems he found a really good one. So I hope they live happily ever after, just like the picture implies.

Idk… Fuck.

I went on a date last night. Last minute thing, but I’ve been talking to a guy for like a week and he asked to buy me a drink.

He’s not a really hot guy, but he’s an interesting nerd. I’m all about interesting nerds, you know. In particular, he like to RPG. That’s cool, cuz I always wanted to learn D&D stuff. Remember the robot boy that was supposed to teach me? I’m totes down to become more nerd.

Anyways, long story short, we hung out for like three hours and than I took him back to his apt, cuz it was close by and he ubered there. I was confused because not once did he touch me. No hand shake, no attempted kiss or hug… and I wasn’t sure if he didn’t like me or if he’s just hella respectful.

So I sent him https://inspirobot.me today, because errybawdie needs that in their life, and he takes that opportunity to explain that he’s in a long distance relationship with a girl who will be moving out her to him as soon as she can, but in the meantime they have an open relationship.

I’m not devastated, but I’m mad.

I wasn’t in love or anything, but I would kind of like to have sex again before I die… I don’t do poly, so that’s not a thing that’s going to happen. At the same time, I’m trying really hard not to be TOO mad, because I could use a new friend who’s interesting… but we met under such false pretense, and now I’m mad.

I know I’m asexual and aromantic, but like… I’m lonely and I’d like to have sex. I’m getting too close to 30 to be the girl that gets wasted and goes home with a stranger… but no one really wants to date me. I’m discouraged. I’m pissed off. I’m generally unhappy about all of this.

What’s wrong with me?

Another Let Down

I have determined, through much experimentation, that my main problem when it comes to dating is that I refuse to beg for attention. My information on this front is purely anecdotal, obviously, but it would seem that men (and women, tbh) find my lack of need for attention to be off-putting. And so, my dear readers, I am once again just going to give up trying to date… cuz I’m not good at it, apparently.

I can’t argue against the fact that when you get to know me I’m fairly cold, calculating, and operate much like a computer simulated personality. To start with, I document and log information you give me so as to determine the “correct” response to whatever you’re talking to me about. I’ve been known to do research on things so as to better acclimate myself to being associated with people. Most of my responses at the beginning of a social interaction are artificial. I’m very much fake, and I know that. Still, it takes time to notice, if you even notice ALL of that. Once you get to know me, if that isn’t enough to make you turn tail and run, I will tone it down and be more myself, but part of being myself is also being slightly fake anyways. People who’ve known me for a long time might know this without putting a name to it, but it’s just something people adapt to or run from. I can’t help it. I’m incapable of natural interaction.

Dating is weird, though. Everyone seems to want you to crave them like heroin. I’m not that kind of person. I’m totally fine with not talking to someone everyday. I have my own life and it doesn’t have some gaping hole in it because I’m alone. I guess it’s uncommon for a person to be totally whole and complete by themselves? That sounds condescending as shit, but the successful relationships I witness aren’t two totally complete people that happen to like associating, they’re two people that seem to need each other. Once they don’t need each other anymore they fall apart; there’s no room for the other person anymore. By that logic, I don’t have room in my life for another person… and maybe I don’t but I would never know, since no one gives me a chance to make the room.

I got a phone number of a guy two weekends ago. Bird and I were at a show, and this guy was funny, seemed nice, and I ended up getting his number because he asked for mine. Well, I hadn’t heard from him by Wednesday, and I like to make plans. So, I hit him up, because I’m a strong, independent woman and don’t need no man to make the first move. The conversation was nice enough, and drug out over two days, but he didn’t ask to see me and I haven’t heard from him since. I debated texting him again… but if he wanted to talk to me, I feel like he would. I’m not going to beg for attention. I have shit to do. I’m just irritated because if he were to ask me on a date, I’d like to have the time left open for him, but my weekends fill up pretty quick. If you’re not on the schedule, you don’t get to see me.

Based on all this info, I’m just going to forget that I got his number. I don’t have the patience to wait on him…

Also… it kind of hurts my feelings. I was excited that someone in really real life had picked me out to have interest in. I was excited to get to know someone knew. I was excited to maybe get laid. I was just excited for things to be different and interesting. I’m asexual and aromantic, but I’m not dead. I could use someone new in my life… We didn’t seem to have a lot in common, but we could have. I could have learned some new stuff and developed some new hobby. That’s what I like about new people in my life… It’s a chance to expand with purpose, not just for the sake of being the smartest person in the room.

I hate when I do this to myself…
I get my hopes up for something new and fun and different before it’s certain that it’s even going to be a thing… but then I feel like when I’m not excited about something new I end up wrecking it by NOT being excited…

So I dunno how I’m supposed to feel…

But mostly I feel disappointed.

The Nice Robot Boy

A while back, not really sure how long (roughly June), but a while back I met a guy from the internet. This isn’t new behavior for me. He seemed really nice and pretty interesting, so I agreed to meet him at a local goth bar for a drink.

Neither of us are real gothy. I don’t actually think he EVER was, but it’s a place he likes in Denver, and I always liked the look and feel of Double Daughters myself… so whatever. We were both early. We were both awkward. We got into an argument about whether baby would be best served with white or brown gravy… White… obviously…

It was a particularly strange time, but it was fun.

Then some time passed, and he asked me out again. During the passage of time, which might’ve been over a month, to be honest, we chatted on Facebook. We’re both introvert-y kinds of people, so it was really pretty fine. Also, I wasn’t ACHING to go on another date. I like having plans, but I’m still real unsure about the whole romantic thing at this point in my life… seems so unnecessary. Also I’m aromantic, so like… I’m okay with distance… We chatted regularly, though. He always gets my attention the same way, which is that he says, “beep.” I often reply with “boop.” Together we are strange as the day is long.

He’s a robot boy… I am an android girl. We are very awkward.

So we went to a Hawaiian place with the intent of getting Spam tacos (which are decided better tasting than they sound… Hawaiians really know how to cook Spam). We ended up eating Cuban sandwiches and playing Pokemon GO. I took my first gym that day. It was awesome.

Then there was time again.

He asked me and a friend to come up and play Pathfinder with him and some friends. They do it every Friday, I guess. It was a LONG MFing drive… and it cost me $21 because taking the toll road seemed faster than going around. It was a weirdly good time. Not a lot happened story-wise, but it was hilarious. I was an Orc Rouge… so that was neat. My friend was a Gnome Mage. That was hilarious.

Then more time… and then…

We, being overweight taco lovers, decided to get tacos for real this time. We went to Torchy’s, which I’d never been to, and it turns out he hadn’t been to it, either. It was a good time. Good taco. Then, we couldn’t decide what to do. His friends were one direction on Broadway, mine were the opposite. We went with mine, cuz I figured we’d make an appearance, then we could go hang out with his friends who were out drinking like monsters.

My friends were playing a 90s set at a lil bar/record store. Their band is a ridiculous acoustic cover band that incorporates the use of kazoo… so it’s a good time. We hung out till well after the set ended and talked and laughed. It was a lot of fun.

This time, there was no time in between. He invited me up to his place for a bad movie night. His apartment complex is 45 mins away from me. So there’s that. Also, it’s like a weird horror movie setup. It’s on top of this hill and it looks like an insane asylum or something. It’s huge. Nice apartment, though. We had a great time. I showed him The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera and Tusk, and he showed me The Room, which is awful…

We’re supposed to get together this weekend, too, but I don’t know what we’ll do.

I like him. I don’t wanna have sex with him, though… that asexuality thing is a bitch… I don’t even really like kissing him… but I don’t like kissing anyone… so that’s not saying much. I’m worried that might be a problem later, though… We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… met me a robot boy.