It’s Not The Same

Know what’s irritating?
When people assume that I wanna lose weight to be healthy.
I got news for those people… thin and healthy aren’t the same thing.

If I wanted to be healthy, I’d start an exercise plan that was just a little more cardio than weight lifting. I’d also eat whole grains, fruits, veg, and never eat processed food again. I’d give up Coca-Cola, Monster, Coffee, and Tea so I could trade them all in for water. I’d throw away my scale at home and probably also my microwave and TV for good measure. I may or may not cut out all meat that isn’t white fish. That’s being healthy.

I don’t want to be healthy. I don’t wanna run a 5k. I don’t wanna be toned or strong or anything like that. I just want to be thin. I want to be the same piece of shit human being that I am, that watches anime on the sofa and refuses to leave the house except for work, but the thin version.

I know lots of thin people that aren’t healthy, without even mentioning the extremes of anorexia and bulimia. They can’t run. They get winded going up stairs. They eat McDonald’s a lot. I know lots of vegans and vegetarians that aren’t healthy or thin because they eat a lot of fried food. I know a number of healthy people that can outrun you, but aren’t thin.

My point is… I DON’T WANNA BE HEALTHY, I JUST WANT TO BE THIN.

This bothers me for a number of a reasons, but the biggest one is a dear friend of mine. Being naturally thin most of their lives, this person didn’t really know what to do when they reached a point in their lives where they gained weight. They were depressed. They were upset. They thought about giving up on life, because life was already really hard, and then there was the weight. I know that feel, but having been fat more or less my entire life, I couldn’t help but feel that they were being a BIT over-dramatic.

If you want to lose weight, and that’s your biggest goal, I can tell you which diet will fit your life style and give you the results you want. I really can. I know that sounds stupid, because I’m a great big fat person, but I’ve been on ALL THE DIETS and I know what works.

So this person, at one point, was happiest being really fit. They also don’t have great cooking skills, but don’t mind eating things that aren’t really a “meal” as much as it’s just food. They didn’t want to join a gym, but I knew that once they started seeing results they would be motivated to keep a routine up. So, I told them to try the 21 Day Fix by Beach Body.

If you don’t know, the 21 Day Fix is a great program. You get containers. You put stuff in those containers. That’s what you get to eat that day. You also do a 30 min workout each day in your living room. You WILL lose weight. It’s very simple to do. It’s a little pricey to start, because you have to buy the containers, eating plan, and workout video, but after that you’re good. Also, if you add Shakology to your meal plan, I hear it can increase your results. It’s an easy, effective plan for people that like feeling fit.

The down side to the 21 Day Fix, and the reason I don’t do it, is because I’m a lazy fuck that likes to cook. Now, you can totally take the ingredients in the containers and make them into meals, but it requires a lot of planning. Also, even if you’re making meals, at some point it’s gonna get repetitive. That can be good, because studies show that if you eat the same thing all the time your body starts to use it more efficiently than if you change food everyday… but I like variety. Also, I’m not a great self-motivator. You want me to workout for 30 mins a day? Unless you’re going to be there convincing me to do it… I’m prolly gonna let that DVD collect dust. I just don’t like to workout. I find it mindless and boring. Plus, I’m just a lazy fuck. I like to do things that let me lie down. Reading, TV, drawing… all activities I can do laying down.

Here’s the thing, though. I get that people feel superior to me because I’m a Fatty McFatFace, but when I am the one that told you about your wonderful new life style, you don’t get talk down to me. This friend does that more than they probably realize. I don’t think it’s on purpose, but it bothers the shit out of me. I have weird health problems, and I’m overweight, but those aren’t actually related. So snide comments about how great your health is because on Beach Body you eat so much veg and ingest the multivitamin comparable Shakology… that shit is unappreciated. It’s especially unappreciated since it’s not like I’m over here binge eating take out.

In recent weeks I’ve put forth more effort into losing weight than I’ve put out in a long long time. I’m on a caloric restriction. I’m eating well-rounded vegetable centric meals. I’ve all but kicked meat. I’m walking 8-10k steps a day, which is roughly 5 miles. I’ve done all the math, and I SHOULD be losing weight. Instead, I’m gaining weight, and I feel like shit every single day. My body hurts. I’m tired. My moods are off the charts. It’s shitty.

Why am I gaining weight? Fuck, I don’t know.
If you ask anyone that hasn’t been a career dieter, they will spout off that shit about your body going into “starvation mode.” Here’s the thing about starvation mode… It’s a luxury your body can only do, if you’re  eating enough that it CAN save calories.

So if you’re 135 lbs… your caloric expenditure just to live is roughly 1600. That’s getting up, going to a desk job, and doing nothing for exercise. So if you don’t exercise and you eat more than 1600 cals consistently, you’ll slowly gain weight. If you eat 2000 cals and run for like… 30-45 mins a day, you’ll prolly stay about the same weight. If you’re gaining weight and you notice you’re eating a 2000 calorie diet at 135 lbs and drop to the usually recommended 1600-1800 cals a day, you’re not gonna lose weight, and it’s not because of “starvation mode.” Your body WILL start a diet here by trying to run you the most efficiently, meaning it decreases metabolism and reduces your living caloric expenditure as best it can… and once it realizes that you’re not gonna starve to death it’ll kick back up and adjust to the small change. You can help this with a fluctuating caloric intake ranging from 1400-1800 cals a day, instead of an even keel 1600, because it assures your non-sentient systems that you’re not dying.

I used 135 lbs because it’s my white whale goal weight.
Because it’s my weight goal, I try to live at what I would live at if I ever achieved that goal. It’s not an approved diet method, but it makes sense that if I wanna be 135 lbs, I should just live like I am 135 lbs, and my body will have to follow suit.

So… I happen to be roughly 270 lbs at any given time, as of late (and yes, I hate myself for it). I use roughly 2650 cals just living. This means that on a regular 2000 cal diet, I should lose some weight even if I don’t get out of bed. I’m on a roughly 1200-1600 cal diet and I’ve upped my caloric expenditure by walking. Even if my walking is a CRAWL, I’m burning 3430 cals, roughly, a day, and taking in 1200-1600 cals a day. That’s a HUGE deficit. I SHOULD be losing. Even if all my cals were comprised of ice cream and lard from a tub, I should be losing. If my body were to shut down my systems to the bare minimum, I should still be losing SOME weight.

Click here for the site I use for weight loss expenditure.

So… why am I not gaining weight? I’m eating less, I’m exercising more. Is it water weight? It’s not muscle build. I have no idea. Why do I feel like shit? Am I really just so out of shape that leisurely walking is killing me? I don’t think so, but maybe… but at two weeks of this, I should start feeling better. I don’t. Am I just not up on my nutrition? I think I am. I even made a conscious effort to ingest more potassium, because I know it’s recommended for achy muscles.

If anyone has an idea, please let me know.

Seriously, though… if you have a fat friend… stop being a passive dickwad to them just because they don’t live like you. If it was so easy for everyone to be thin or healthy, we would be.

Also if you have a thin friend, and you’re NOT thin… don’t be a passive dickwad to them, either. It’s just as hard for some people to gain weight as it is for me to lose it. Thin people are unhappy, too. Don’t make comments about it.

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Depression, Dieting, & Dating

I’ve been depressed.

I think it’s because I’m lonely… or maybe I’m lonely because I’m depressed… but I was seeing this guy, and he stood me up…. and I think it made my depression worse.

Now, I’m not a naturally forgiving person, but he’s super nice and we get along, and I genuinely like him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said that he didn’t feel good and fell asleep. So he asked me to dinner the next night, and then his work called, I guess, and he cancelled.

So that was two nights I got all dolled up with nowhere to go. The first time I sat at home, cried, and drank an entire bottle of wine. I don’t even like wine, but it was there. The second night, I had already left the house. I was headed downtown, I was excited, and I looked good. I thought of going downtown anyways and getting wasted, but I didn’t want the DUI. Instead, I turned the car around and went to karaoke. It was adequate. My friends can really step up when they want to…

I gained back half the weight that I lost earlier… so… that was no good… but I now need to lose EXACTLY half my body weight to be “happy.” Really, that’s how much to get well within a healthy BMI range… but in theory that should make me happy. In reality… I’d be happy to lose 70…. I’d still be “overweight and borderline obese” but that would be my high school weight… What more can a fat kid ask for?! Seriously, though, I’d be happy there… and then after being sure I can maintain that weight I could lose the rest….

So I’m back on 1200-1500 cals a day… aiming for 800 cals a day… If I aim for 800 and I hit 1200 I’m fine… if I allow myself 1200, and then sometimes I hit 1500… Whatever! Really if I’m under 2100 cals, it’s a good day for me. Lol. I’ve been binging. SO MUCH BINGING. So… I aim low, and then just don’t worry about it if I’m over. It’s a mind trick thing.

Anyways… that’s me.

Charts

So… Back in 2009 I joined a weight loss site. That year looked like this.

2009-2010

I started at 235, developed the habit of either not eating for days, or going on a binge and then spending the next 30 minutes throwing up as much as possible (even though I later learned that once food hits your mouth, you’re fucked). It wasn’t at all healthy, but everyone was so proud of me when I dipped down into the 190s. It didn’t matter to them how I got there, since they didn’t see it. They saw me drink a coke everyday. It’s weird how no one even questions how someone might drop weight so fast.

As you can see, it didn’t last. It got to a point where my body just threw up every time I ate. It scared me, and the weight started to creep back toward the end of the year.

I kept the account that I signed up for in 2009, and would update it. Not to a whole lot of purpose, but just occasionally felt like making myself want to die, I guess. There were a few times I tried to lose weight again, but I couldn’t commit to eating nothing anymore. I didn’t relish the pain in my guy anymore. It was just reminiscent of that horrible place where I would throw up every time I ate… so over the years (2009-2015) my chart looked like this.

2009-2015

So where I started at 235, which was 35 lbs above my high school weight in 2006, I topped out earlier this year at 280.

280 is officially unacceptable. I know some people will say that over 200 should have been unacceptable, but to those people I say fuck off. You don’t know my life. The point is that I came within 20 lbs of being a 300 lb person and that, for me, is unacceptable. I’ve been a fat person my entire life, but something about 300lbs just floored me.

Was it my rock bottom? Was it some kind of wake up call?
I dunno. I’m pretty sure I could get substantially lower (fatter) before I’d call it my end all rock bottom moment of absolute change. It was a shitty moment, though. I don’t know how I let it creep up so high. It’s like waking up one morning to see a strange looking back at you… and that stranger wants donuts.

So, in June I started looking into diets. Over the course of my life I’d tried them all. From Ana and Mia diets, to fad diets, to beach body, to weight watchers, to coffee and cigarettes, to paleo, to vegan, to whatever. It seemed to me that finding a diet that worked for a long run of life was impossible. How are you supposed to stick to all these thing when you’re also trying to live your life. Yes, being thin would terrific, but I also really like tacos… and when my friends and I go out, we like to drink and get tacos… so, your diet of “you can never drink alcohol again or eat anything that may or may not have touched a fryer” wasn’t going to work for me. I get that you can’t do that shit everyday, but what is life without cheat days?

After a lot of investigation, I settled on Slim Fast. I associated it with older women that say they’re dieting, but really just drink themselves to death, but when I looked into it, it’s a pretty sound kind of diety thing. You’re getting good nutrition intake… and if you’re going out you just skip your shakes and snacks to use the calories for whatever. It even had good longevity, since people can go off it and if they feel they’ve gained it’s not going to wreck your life to start it again. I had always liked the concept of calorie counting, but this was easier since I was only calculating a 500 cal meal and some 100 cal snacks.

And so, I present to you my chart from when I started dieting in July to now.

June-Oct

Yeah, there’s been turbulence. That’s not a straight line. It’s not the most direct path. But anyone can see the trend, here. I’m losing. I’m losing without starving myself. I’m losing without even sticking to Slim Fast or a constant calorie intake.

At this point, I keep Slim Fast around, but I’m not strict with it. Mostly I track my calories. My goal for the day is 1200. If I’m under 1400 I’m happy with it. If I’m under 2000, I live with it. Not everyday is a winner. Some days I want Coke and Chipotle. Some days I eat a cucumber and drink a lot of water, and come in crazy under calories. But… I’m losing.

As of this morning I’m under 260. 20 lbs down.
I also fit in a smaller pant size. So… that’s pretty cool for me.

This shit is hard. I can’t honestly tell you if dieting or quitting smoking is harder for me. Both make me feel like life is empty and pointless when I think about them too long.
I am, admittedly, doing substantially better at dieting than quitting smoking, though… >_>

So… there ya go.

Period Binging

if you don’t have a period… I hate you.

My anatomy pretty much hates me, in general, but the biggest offender is always my uterus. My intestines hate all food. My skin hates sunlight. My eyes hate to focus. My gallbladder waged full on war with me. My lungs don’t really like oxygen. My kidneys have attempted an attack. My uterus, however, comes at me like we are in a world war for total domination or decimation, every god damn month.

Now, I understand. I, too, would be mad if I spent all month getting a room ready for a guest and it turns out they didn’t show up. I would totally be pissed. I’m not sure that I would wreck the joint, though. My uterus wrecks the joint. It invites 1980s Motely Crüe over, and they throw TVs out the window, and tear open the furniture, and do lines of cocaine off of everything.

In real terms, this translates to extreme pain and general shiftiness. Every month I’m treated to flu symptoms: nausea, fatigue, congestion, fever, and lethargy. Just in case that isn’t enough, there is a near constant stabbing feeling in my abdomen. I don’t mean a dull ache, a sudden brief pain, or even that it feels like I’ve been socked in the gut. I mean that I feel as though there is something inside me trying to cut its way out for five to seven days straight. Also, I become ravenous.

I’ve been diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries. I have an enlarged ovary. Neither of these cause my pain. The pain is supposedly just cramps. It’s been speculated that it could be endometriosis, but it’s hasn’t been properly diagnosed. About the only thing that cuts through the pain? Percocet. I can’t take that when I’m going to work, of course. I can’t take it if I plan to drive, interact with people, or do anything except sleep very heavily. So, I live with the pain. Today, on the way to work, it was so bad that I had to pull over on the side of the freeway and just breathe until I was sure I wasn’t going to vomit.

The other thing that treats all this awful, though, is grease. Now, I have not researched this, but I think there’s a direct correlation between treating menstrual stress and grease. When I’m menstrual, all I want it is the grossest, most A,ericam processed, greasy ass crap that I can shovel down my gullet. Today I had nachos, covered in some kind of liquid orange cheese, with jalapeños and sour cream. Later, I had a fried fish sammich. Both were nauseatingly delicious. And both elicited a momentary lapse in my dismay and discomfort. While I also suffer from IBS, I am prone to period stomach, which results in anything I eat becoming a very bad idea. Weird thing is, the higher the grease content, the less period stomach effects me. Salad? Bad idea. Biggest burger ever, deep fried and topped with whipped cream? Perfect. It’s so crazy.

Anyways. So I binged today. I needed it. I will eat much better for three days, and completely avoid the scale, but I needed today. Life happens, and the best laid plans of dieters have weak points. The important thing is to realize it happens and deal with it instead of beating yourself up about it. Give yourself a break.

In related news, I was down a total of six pounds this morning from my start weight. Six pounds in two weeks is really great. Yay me.

How Many Times?

::queue Insane Clown Posse song from my youth that I never admit to liking but secretly know all the words to::

How many times will I restart a diet? How many times will I fail?

In this case… one more time.
So here I go again. I’m not happy about it. I’m not going to get my hopes super up… but I’m going to try. I’m going to try REALLY hard.

I found a website yesterday that showed me how I look now, versus how I COULD look if I reached my ideal weight.

modelmydiet.com

It was a really interesting moment for me.

You see… I’ve never been thin. I’ve been THINNER, but never thin. As far back as I can remember weighing myself, I’ve been 200lbs plus. So unlike some people that were once thing, and then became overweight, I’ve never had a comparison of what I could be. I just have always been me.

This imagine is probably the most inspirational thing I’ve seen in my weight loss journey. It’s defining. It gives a certain amount of tangibility to my journey and what I could accomplish if I really stick to it. It made me sad, though, because I am so far from this goal (135 lbs far, to be exact). Still, seeing it, seeing the end goal, is so much better than anything I could come up with in my head.

If you like this, btw, and would like to see how you would look at goal weight, the website was www.modelmydiet.com.

I Have Binge Eating Disorder

I’ve always been fat.

Let’s start there.
It’s not new to me. It’s not something that happened after high school and I have no idea how it happened. It’s not something that snuck up on me. It’s not something I’m unfamiliar with.
I was born a 9lb baby. That’s a big ass baby, if you didn’t know.
I was a chubby toddler, then a fat kid, then a fat teenager, and I topped out at a fat adult.

I wasn’t really aware that being fat was a bad thing for a long time. It was a non-issue as a kid, and remained one until I transferred into public school. Lots of thing happened when I transferred to public school:

  • I had problems making new friends
  • I was WAY ahead of the class
  • I had no sense of style, because up till then I had to wear a dress to school everyday, so I was really into jeans
  • I realized that I was kind of a nerd

Also, it was brought to my attention that being fat was something unacceptable. It didn’t get better in middle school, and actually progressed to the point that people hurled rocks at my head. They were also good shots, so I took more than one to the back of the head on my walks home from the bus stop. It was earth-shattering. I don’t think anything, in my whole life, including my shitty ass father, has made me so upset. No one ever did that before. I was just me, and people were just them, and we had all been friends, regardless.

Still, I managed to take those feelings, push them down, purify them into a gooey black substance, and coat my soul with it. I called that my goth phase, because that’s how I chose to show my frustration with the world. I still wasn’t pretty. I still wasn’t thin. I still didn’t seem acceptable. I was, however, scary and Columbine was still a really big thing, so people were wary that any day I might come to school and shoot them all in the face… so the bullying stopped there. I was cold, introverted, confused, hurt, and angry on top of all those other feelings adolescence already throws in your face. I still am, truth be told. I’m just less confused, now.

Somewhere in high school I started trying to diet. I wasn’t good at it. My friend’s mother also consistently fed us a diet of Gushers and French Bread Pizza every single time we came over, so that made dieting hard. Still, I was back in a circle of friends, and we varied in size and shape from “naturally meth-addict thin” to “whatever, I-love-cake fat” and I didn’t mind myself so much.

After high school I tried some other kinds of diets. The most effective was “don’t eat, smoke a lot, drink ridiculous quantities of espresso, and spend any and all free time at the gym so you don’t eat.” You might recognize that as an eating disorder. It definitely was. I lost a substantial amount of weight, but being a fat girl, people congratulated me. Eventually, though, I reached a point in my life that was hard. I have no coping mechanisms for hard… except eating. Thus ended my streak.

I didn’t used to binge eat like I do now. I can’t say when eating transitioned into something I could use to cope with unpleasant emotions. It’s just something I noticed I did. So, when my life got hard, and I got upset, and I realized I was binging, I did the natural thing… I purged.
Seemed logical: If you eat too much, just pull some back out.

I couldn’t keep up with that. It freaked me out when every single time I ate I became violently ill involuntarily. That’s when it dawned on me that normal people don’t pack themselves to capacity and then throw up to feel semi-normal again.

I’ve tried really hard to be normal since then. Reasonable diets, and reasonable exercise… but reasonable doesn’t show any results, and I still binge when I’m upset. I’m upset A LOT. I’m crazy, unmedicated, and have an excess of free time by myself. It seems to me that unless I totally stop eating and workout 4+ hours a day, I’m never going to lose any weight, just because that’s how I’m wired, now.

I’ve tried Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, Pescatarian, Weight Watchers, Adkins, HCG… You name it, I tried it and it failed me… or I failed it… None of those programs are designed to deal with someone that is incapable of dealing with themselves without using food to shove down all the bad feelings. You’d think vegan would work, because you’re eating just veg, so maybe you could binge on veg and not feel bad about it, but here’s the thing… veg is not a satisfying food unless it’s deep fried. When you’re attempting to push something like self hatred down into your stomach and you’re packing it down with carrots… it doesn’t work. I have eaten so many god damn carrots, just to get fed up, get in my car, go to whatever drive thru was closest, and then further pack grease on top of carrots… to the point I made myself physically ill. It was obscene, and I’m glad no one I know witnessed me eating… prolly close to 7 lbs of food… 5lbs of which were totally unsatisfying carrots. It was miserable and not at all good.

So how do normal people cope with feelings? Seriously, I’d love to know. As an unmedicated bipolar with a myriad of co-morbid traits from EVERY personality disorder, all I do is wade through the shit of the emotional lottery. Will going to work make me want to brutally murder and dismember everyone I see because they’re morons and worthless sacks of flesh that just contribute to the overpopulation of the earth? Am I going to have that feeling where I want to crawl under my desk and die, today? Am I going to start crying because I can’t add up a ticket correctly? Maybe my pants don’t fit right today. Maybe I keep dropping things. Maybe it’s one of those days that the boss asks me a bunch of questions I can’t even begin to answer and then gets frustrated when I need some time to investigate answers. Maybe absolutely nothing is wrong, but I just burst out into rage and tears, and have to figure out what to do instead of hurling things at people and windows.

How the fuck am I supposed to cope with that?

Know what triggered today? Know why I’m angry and frustrated and sad and want to either binge eat Mexican food or smash things into little bitty pieces or possibly even smash someone’s face in until they’re just unrecognizable wet bone? Want to know? I was supposed to go have my Well Woman physical today. Quite the unpleasant day, but then the doctor’s office moved my appointment to tomorrow and didn’t tell me. So I took time from work, got my mother to drive me to my appointment (it snowed… I can’t fuck with certain levels of snow) only to find out we’d been waiting for 15 mins for no reason, and that I have to get back out there to BFE tomorrow.

So I’m mad. And I want to eat or hurt someone. I can do neither. I’m freaking out. I hate everything. Part of me wants to die.

Rant: Binge Eating & Addictions

If you have never had an addiction, I don’t want your god damned advice.

Seriously. Not to be rude, I’m sure your advice is great and magical, but with no frame of reference for what it’s like to have an addiction problem, you have no idea what I’m going through. Also, on the same vein, if you’ve never had a FOOD addiction, I still don’t want your god damned advice. Smoking and binge eating… totes not the same, bro.

People without these kinds of problems just don’t get it. It’s not their fault they don’t get it, either. It’s like trying to imagine a new color… you can’t do it, because your world has never given you the kind of stimuli to do so. You’ve never been a heroin addict, so you can’t imagine what it’s like to crave heroin, in spite of it “ruining your entire life.” You’ve never been addicted to cigarettes, so you can’t imagine why it’s so hard to “just not buy them.” You’ve never had a food addiction, so you can’t understand what it’s like to not be able to “just eat less.” You don’t know, and no one can fault you for that. At the same time, though, you are not the person that needs to be advising people with these problems on how to overcome them, and you should know that people, like me, take offense when you try… because… YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

I happen to have a food problem… and, if we’re being totally honest a cigarette problem, a mild alcohol problem, and an addictive personality coupled with an impulse control problem. I already know this; I get it from my dad, along with all the crazy that festers inside me like an infected bullet wound.

Now, if you happen to have an impulsive friend in your life, you know we can get REALLY IRRITATING. I know we can. We end up in trouble a lot and we can very easily drag you into trouble with us. That gets old pretty quick when you’re not an impulsive person yourself. If you have a person with an addictive personality in your life, you know we can be REALLY IRRITATING, as well, because there’s nothing you can do to keep us from getting weird obsessive about things… God help you if you show a person with an addictive personality a party drug, because that is going to be their new thing for-fucking-ever, and they’re going to get baffled when you don’t think you need to do it all the time. That’s just facts. It’s life.

Being impulsive with an addictive personality means that I have to practice a certain level of control. It also means that I don’t always have that control, and that things are gonna spiral and get weird real fast. It’s just the nature of the beast. It’s my nature. Over the years I’ve managed to reign in the smoking. I smoke on weekends… maybe a couple at night if I am drinking or I ate too much. I’ve also learned to more or less curb the drinking habit. I drink Fridays and Saturdays… and sometimes I go dry just to keep an eye on it. The eating, however, I’ve never quite gotten a grasp of… because it’s different.

You can quit smoking and never touch another cigarette again. You can quit drinking and you can never touch another alcoholic drink, or step foot in a bar, again. You cannot quit eating. You can fast, sure. I’ve gone a good month without solid food (lots of juicing and smoothies), but sooner or later, you have to eat… or you die. Even the most dedicated anorexics have to eat a little something sometime… even if it’s just for the appearance of NOT being anorexic.

Okay, you have to eat, but you don’t have to eat until you’re sick. Just stop eating so much. It’s not that hard.

Yeah, I can hear that thought pulsating in your brain. What you’re not understand is that… I can’t.
What can I equate this to that is universally recognized?

It’s like breathing. You can hold your breath. Some people can hold their breath for a really, really long time, even… but sooner or later you have to breathe, and people that have a problem with breathing cannot hold their breath very well. In this example, people with a food problem are equivalent to people with emphysema.

I go to some extreme lengths to try and not binge eat. I don’t keep much food in the house, I avoid places with a drive thru, and I try to eat in public a lot, because I am self-conscious about people watching me eat. Still, there’s no precaution I can take for when I’m struck by impulse. All those things are great for bored-binging. If there’s nothing on hand to munch on, I can let it go. If I’m under a lot of stress, though… or I’m sad… or it just hits me, it triggers the impulse part of my brain, and I go buy too much food, and I eat all of it.

This happened last night. I went to Chipotle, bought two burrito bowls, ate them both. Made myself actually nauseous, because I haven’t been binging, so my stomach shrank a bit. I, as usual, immediately regretted it, but I gave up purging when my body started trying to do it after every single meal. So, instead, I smoked a lot and took two of my PM diet pills. I was still up 2 lbs this morning… it was discouraging, but not unexpected.

So what am I trying to say?

I dunno. My doctor wanted to talk about my binging on Friday when I saw her… oh btw, if you’ve been following all the posts, I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!! I didn’t want to hear it. There’s nothing my doctor can say that I haven’t heard from shrinks, teachers, parents, and friends 100 times over the years. I’m 25 and I’ve been fat since I was born… I got it.

Eat below 1500 cals, exercise for at least 20 minutes a day, and avoid trigger foods.

I know, but saying that and doing it are two totally different things. I can tell you how to do a lot of things… I can read an article on how birds fly and tell you exactly how to do it, but you will never be able to fly. I try every single day to eat less and try to be more active, but the thing in my life that I associate with happiness the most in this world is eating.

Given the choice, I’d rather binge eat than have sex. I don’t have to be pretty to eat. I don’t have to be funny, smart, interesting… I just have to get my hands on some food… Food doesn’t cheat. Food doesn’t leave. Food doesn’t ask when you’re going to lose weight. Food doesn’t ask you for money. Food doesn’t give you an STD. Food is great. All around. It does make you fat… but since food doesn’t care if you’re fat, it doesn’t matter.

Food does make me cry. It makes me cry because I can’t control myself with it. It makes me cry when I decide it’s okay to binge for a day, and it’s not as good as I wanted it to be. It makes me cry because I know that I’m never going to 100% overcome my problems with it. It makes me cry because my love of food might be the thing that kills me one day. It makes me cry for a lot of reasons.

I want to lose over 100 lbs. It’s been my only goal that was actually mine in my entire life. This weekend I thought I was closer to death than I ever have been in my life. And I didn’t binge eat. Yesterday I found out that I’m fine. And I binged like hell last night. Why?

I can’t tell you. I can’t even tell anyone that it happened, for fear of being bombarded with advice that is completely useless.

Oh my life.