The Hardest Thing

Last Saturday I took Keagan to the vet for his arthritis. He was having a lot of problems getting around. They prescribed him gabapentin, which I thought was funny, since I take that for anxiety, and carprofen, which is an NSAID pain reliever. I was delighted he perked right up and seemed to feel a lot better.

Tuesday evening, he was really weak. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to go outside. He just wanted to lay down. I was worried, but we had auditors, so I was planning on taking him to the vet Thursday or Friday. That idea went out the window when I woke up at 2am and he couldn’t stand up. He’s wet himself, and he’s crawled across the floor to get out of the wet. My heart sank. I considered rushing him to the ER, but instead I made him comfortable and laid on the ground with him for the rest of the night. I barely slept. I just wanted him to be okay. In the morning, he still couldn’t stand, though. I called my mom and told her had to go to the vet, and she came over to help me get him downstairs, and later into the car so I could get him there.

The vet, a very nice man by the name of Dr. Fedder, who always called Keagan my mutant (for what else can you call a Corgi/Husky hybrid?), said that Keagan was extremely anemic. The first potential cause could be a tumor on his spleen. They’re very vascular, common in old dogs, and very fragile. It was very possible that he’s had it, and that when he started moving around more, it ruptured: meaning he was bleeding into his abdomen. The surgery to save him would need blood transfusions and had a very low survival rate, along with a very high cost. The other likely cause would be an autoimmune disease. It’s harder to diagnose, and I’d need to take him to the emergency vet for a series of tests. If it was an autoimmune disease, he’d need to undergo blood transfusions, chemo, and a lot of pills. Survival was 50%.

In what has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life… I chose to let Keagan go. He was 17, the survival rates were very poor, and I didn’t want to put him through chemo and pills or surgery at 17 years old. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d selfishly put him through all the stress and pain just for 6 more months or maybe a year… I didn’t want to watch him slowly degenerate right in front of me, just because I couldn’t let go. It hurt more than anything I’ve done, including when they ripped my wisdom teeth out. I’d rather have done that every weekend for the rest of my life than have to have let him go… but life doesn’t work that way.

It was a blessing for me that this experience was nothing like when I had to put Joie down all those years ago. Joie bled out into his abdomen, too. His blood pressure was so low that the shots didn’t work. They gave him enough to put down a St Bernard, and he was a small Bichon thing. We ended up having to hook Joie up to the anesthesia machine and watch him struggle to stay awake. He wasn’t ready to go. He was scared to leave. It was excruciating. While letting Keagan go was excruciating for ME, he didn’t fight it. They gave him the sedative, and he nodded off like he was supposed to. I promised him he’d be okay, and so would I. I told him to say hi to Joie for me. While he had low blood pressure, the second shot worked almost instantly. He stopped breathing, and he was gone. I don’t think he even saw it coming… which is best for him, and probably me.

The vet said I could stay with him as long as I wanted, but he got cold so fast… so much faster than I would have ever guessed. I hated to leave, but he just wasn’t there anymore.

I’m having him cremated, and I get a paw print.

I went home and cried. I folded up his kennel and rearranged so that when I come home tonight the first thing I do isn’t to be reminded he’s gone and collapse. After that, I got in bed and didn’t move again until my mom came home. She brought dinner and we watched some mindless cooking show at her place.

Sleeping was hard. I’m so used to him being there, curled up next to me. I woke up in the middle of the night and reached out for him, and he wasn’t there. I woke up in the morning, and he wasn’t there. I let the dogs out and I counted 1-2-3—- there was no 4, and I just cried. I cried on and off all morning, trying to get ready for work.

I managed to get up early enough to sit in the living room while everyone ate. Bdo didn’t eat all his food. Kyrie didn’t eat all her food. Even Kira, who didn’t even like Keagan, because she was so jealous of him, didn’t eat all her food. They know something’s up. They know yesterday morning he was here and I was sad. They know I came home without him and was sad. They know he didn’t come home and I’m still so very sad. I wish I could explain it to them.

I’m incredibly sad. Keagan was my best friend. He was my soul mate. He was my constant. He was my world. No one will ever love me as much as Keagan. I love all my dogs, but Keagan was, and always will be special. I’m going to be incredibly sad for a very long time…

In the meantime, I have to be okay, because I promised.

One of the hardest parts of that is Kira. I was mad at her yesterday, because Keagan died and she never liked him. I was mad because I thought she wouldn’t even notice he was gone. She noticed, though, and it’s got her messed up. Also, I can’t be mad at her for being jealous: I favored Keagan all the time. And lastly, I can’t be mad at her for not being Keagan. She loves me uncontrollably. She does. No one will ever love me like Keagan, but if Keagan loved me like a soul mate, Kira loves me like an obsessed stalker.

I started thinking Keagan was going to die when he turned 10, because Joie died at 10. Keagan kept on going and was in great health till the last 24 hours, and I conned myself into believing he’d always be there…. Now I have to adjust without him… and that hurts so much…

I’ll never forget him.


2018… Not A Great Year So Far…

How is 2018? Well… it’s not great.

Let’s review my work life right now.

  • Biller #1 walked out right before year-end bill-out
  • Biller #2 had her baby a month early, right before year-end bill-out
  • Year-end as the only biller, plus everything else I do
  • New Biller started and quit after two days
  • Finally got two billers I think will be good, and the warranty girl puts in her notice

And that’s about where we are right now.

I’m tired of training of people. My only solace is that these two billers will be good, I think. They’re both bright and motivated to work. I think if either leave any time soon I will just curl up and die under their desk as a tribute to my absolute disappointment in them. But I think they’ll stay, and they’re doing really great, and I’m excited for this bullshit to be over….

Just in time for my warranty gal to leave. She’s going to a pot-lot (car lingo for a used car lot, with buy-here-pay-here ish going on), where she’s going to be the whole office. Now, I almost went to a Maserati store where I was gonna be the whole office, but that was like 15 deals a month, and they don’t take payments at the store… so it wouldn’t have been terrible… I’m not sure this is a wise career move for my friend here, but she has to make her own decisions, and this one gives her an extra $3/hr. On top of that, she really irritates me by watching TV on her phone while she works and blatantly ignoring people who talk to her. Love her as a person, kind of hate her as an employee.  I know she can be a hard worker, but she’s been an alright employee and we know that she hates her current position doing warranty, so I wish her the best. But fuck I don’t wanna train someone to do her job…

My moods are all over the place with the constant barrage of stress and idiocy that keeps getting thrown at me at work, plus we (mothership and I) haven’t gotten a weekend off since December… so that’s pretty shite. Still, she’s getting some good money this month and has offered to help me buy a new bed and a desk for my living room… so at least I know SHE appreciates me, if no one else. We’re hoping to get the office settled and be able to sit back and do actual office manager and controller things… like analyzing data and how procedures are getting done. It would be weird to actually have that kind of time, but ya know… it’s the dream.

Tonight Kyrie and Kira (my dogs) got into it and Kira tore Kyrie’s nose open… she’s okay, but I lost my damn shit. I was just so upset, because I’m working so hard to provide a nice life for them and they fight… it’s like a real kick in the dick.

I also impulse bought books again… but I think I’m good for a while. I just… needed something to look forward to, and books are always good for that.

My eating habits are terrible, in the sense I’m eating a fuck ton, but I’m eating less crap than normal… at least it’s not Taco Bell, it’s whatever I make in the Instant Pot that day. My stationary bike should be here any day and I’m hoping to do that nightly, as well as eating less… I must eat less… but this stress is just crazy. I don’t know how people function like this ALL THE TIME. I need a break… like a vacation… Ugh.

Staycation & Thanksgiving

So, I spent Monday through Wednesday at home. My bosslady gave me some time off, because I’m awesome and a hard worker. I’m back at work today, though. I work today, tomorrow… maybe Sunday… No bueno.

Still, I had a good enough staycation. I have to call it that, because whenever I say vacation, people ask where I’m going… If I go somewhere for vacation, chances are high that I won’t tell anyone anymore. I didn’t even tell anyone that I was off this week, except my friend that lives in Cali. The vacation worked out well, because he came for the holiday. I managed to work an evening with him in between cleaning house and painting the basement (still not done with either, but it’s a step).

We had a very nice evening. We started with dinner at Russell’s Smokehouse. It was delicious. I never thought I would pay $24 for shrimp and grits, but it was really worth it. That was amazing and I have no regrets. Afterwards, we had cocktails at the Green Russell. I love the Green Russell… and there’s a reason.


My friend and I were having a weird drunk day, that neither of us quite remember, and after traipsing up and down 16th St Mall, and then wandering around aimlessly when we ended up in Larimer Square. We’d never done much on Larimer Square, so we asked a penny cab driver what there is to do.

So go down here and go down this alley. Then, you’re going to go down this unmarked staircase and walk into a brightly lit pie shop. Tell them you’re there for drinks.

I’m not even kidding. That’s what the guy said. I remember it so clearly, because my friend and I looked at each other and briefly discussed if we were going to die. Against any better judgement that we might have had floating around in our heads, we did go down that alley. Actually, alley is really the wrong word for the area. It’s just a kind of breezeway between buildings, that is nicely lit and very unlikely to harbor rapists and drug dealers. Larimer Square is quite pretty, as far as urban areas go. Anyways, we found the staircase and, just like he said we would, we walked into a stark white, brightly lit pie shop. The floor is black and white checkered, and there’s just a nicely dressed friend of ours staring at us.

It really was quite odd to run into a friend from high school working in an underground pie shop / speak-easy. That’s really what this place is alluding to, is a speak-easy. It’s pretty cool. You tell them you’re here for drinks and they lead your through a door that looks like it leads to the kitchen. You’re immediately submersed in an entirely different atmosphere. The area is dimly lit and they play low music. It’s relatively quite, and if you get a phone call they ask you take it in the phone booth at the back of the room. There’s a very large, very nice bar with mixologists (which are not the same as bartenders) behind it. Also, behind the bar is a hydroponics room where they’re growing orange trees and things they use in the drinks. The drinks are very unique, in that you can’t get a rum and coke. They use all natural everything and it’s very high class. It’s probably my favorite drink spot in Colorado.

Russell’s Smokehouse is in the same little basement as the Green Russell. So now, you walk down a staircase, into a brightly lit pie shop, and there’s a large ornate wooden door leading into a nice underground smokehouse restaurant. The Green Russell is still through the door that just looks like it goes to a kitchen, though. I love it.

We had a few drinks at the Green Russell. I had a Black Friday and a Dutch Apple Pie… Tasty. My friend had something really strong, and then something called a Wacky Waving Inflatable Tube Man… which was also very strong. Lol. It was fun. We sat and chatted, and made fun of people sitting nearby when they did something odd. We talked about a lot of things, like the attractive mixologists, and how while he’d like to do something naughty to them, I’d like to read a book with them, or watch a movie, etc. It was fun. I always have fun with him.

We got tired of paying high dollar for drinks and were going to go catch a movie. We didn’t get there in time, so we went to the little beer place next to the theater before going home. I like that place. It’s usually fun for no reason. Casual-like.

Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful for me. I don’t have a large family, or the family of a significant other to deal with. I just hang out with my mom. We got up and went to a movie at 10. We saw Penguins of Madagascar… because I am secretly 6. It was really cute, and written to cater to the adults that would be in the audience. Nothing dirty, mind you, but it was just fun and cute. I loved it. John Malchovich makes a good villainous octopus. Afterward, we came home and she cooked cornish hens, and I cooked skettie squash to go with.

In the midst of this, two of her dogs got out. Moe is a Jack Russel terrier mix and an escape artist. He always escapes. It’s just what he does. Ava is a very small chihuahua/terrier mix, and this time she followed Moe. So Mom always panics when Ava is missing. She’s just too little… but she found Ava pretty quick. I, on the other hand, had to go find Moe. He’s a jerk and doesn’t come when you call him, and he escaped into the storage place behind the house. I grabbed him, though… pulled him through a fence and everything… little jerk.

So I go home, call mom to tell her that I have him, and walk into her house to find HOMEWARD BOUND: THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY on her TV. I like HB. It’s a cute movie from my childhood… except the end, where Chance and Sassy come out of the woods, but the old Golden, Shadow, isn’t with them… and you’re panicking, because Shadow is important, and his human is upset and sad. My period came early, I just caught a dog, and… I started bawling. THAT MOVIE IS SO MFING SAD. It was devasting… but then we watched the second one before flipping around to some other PPV stuff. Lol.

It wasn’t an epic staycation, and it wasn’t an epic Thanksgiving, but it wasn’t bad. I got to see my best friend from Cali, and I got to NOT be at work… So that’s a win in my book.