Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)

My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…

Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.

Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.

I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.


Weight Loss Update

So, I went on a diet hiatus.
Things have been shitty and when things are shitty I don’t feel like cooking, and when I don’t feel like cooking I eat a lot of Chipotle and drink a lot of real Coca Cola and don’t give a damn what I’m eating.

What happened, though…. was nothing.
I gained no weight back, hovering around 265-266. While I wasn’t actively watching what I ate, at all, I was still tracking my weight a few times a week and trying to reach a 30 minute minimum of activity a day. I figured that if the weight started coming back I’d get upset and fly into a diet spree, but it just didn’t happen that way.

As of yesterday, I’m back on the “trying to lose” wagon.I’m still not really eating what I SHOULD be, such as me having M&Ms for breakfast today, but I’m watching the number of cals I’m consuming. I’m going to try to start cooking again, probably tonight (cuz I already thawed out food that I must now cook). I lost, somehow, 3 lbs overnight last night, and that’s great motivation to start being more conscious again and trying to lose again. Enough hiatus.

I think my break was probably good for me, though, since I do have so much that I’m trying to lose. It proved to me that I’m learning better portions of food, even if it’s not diet food, and that I can maintain my weight loss. I think it also gave my skin a little time to adjust to my being 15 lbs lighter… and I’m hoping things like that will keep me from having an excess skin problem as I lose.

I’m going to look into joining a gym, soon. Hoping there are pricing specials. I’d like to get back into weight lifting. I like weight lifting, and while in the past I’ve been deterred by the looks I get from people, I think I would just like to do it again. I’m good at it, and I like that ache you get from it. There’s a 24 gym by my house that isn’t a 24 Hour Fitness, and Imma look into them for a potential option. I don’t think I’ll run into people I know there.

FLASHBACK: In high school I took a weight lifting class and really enjoyed it. I was genuinely good at it, too. The problem was that the rest of the girls in my class were very thin and petite and would snicker at my ability to lift more than even about half the guys in the class. I was already the fat girl in the class, and then they made me feel like shit for being good at weight lifting. My self esteem wasn’t as good back then, and I took that very personally, so I stopped really trying to do anything in gym classes. This was my third attempt at a class I thought I’d like just to be ridiculed by idiot teenage girls. Later, after college, when I was going to the gym regularly, I started lifting with the guys that showed up the gym around 10. They were very nice to me and helped me out once in a while, but I started to notice people were staring at me. I was still fat. I’ve always been fat. I was also the only female looking person doing bench presses. All the other women at the gym seemed to stick to Zumba and the elliptical. Apparently weights are a man’s game, and cardio is a woman’s. While I like the elliptical, and at one point would do it for 2 hours before lifting or swimming, it just made me uncomfortable. So again I quit.

I’m also considering trying to find a dance class… but that’s still in the air. I don’t mean Zumba. I mean like a real dance class… but IDK that I will have time or money for that.

Anyways… that’s me.