Mediocre Life Choices

So, it turned out I know how to ride the metaphorical bike that is doing the sex.

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The following entry is a brief recount of my date last night and the breaking of my over 700 day celibacy streak. It’s not going to be real graphic, but it’s gonna be kind of gross.

You’ve been warned.

So I’ve been talking to this guy via text for over a week. He’s nice, he’s funny, he doesn’t know what red eye gravy is, and while he’s overwhelmingly normal, he’s not a bad conversationalist. I was legit excited for our date. I got all prettied up and went out to meet him with high hopes of maybe finding a boyfriend person… like the fucking sap I am when no one is looking.

Let’s get one thing straight: He’d not a bad dude.

In person he’s still nice and funny; and while not as good in person, he’s still a decent conversationalist (I have no idea if that sentence was punctuated correctly and I’m too lazy to reword it). Everything was totally fine, until he went to the bathroom, came back and wanted to sit next to me instead of across from me. That was a red flag for me… needy red flag… Still, whatever. I invited him to go to an art show I was interested in, but it was a cash bar so we never made it there… Finding an ATM takes effort, and who the fuck carries cash anymore? As the night went on, though, I was bored of sitting in the bar. So we went back to his house.

We played a little Crash Bandicoot, and then put on Alien 3… and he kept wanting to cuddle. I know that it’s probably some daddy-issue related weirdness with me, but I just don’t really like cuddling. I thought maybe if I let him kiss me he’d stop trying so hard, but HIS MOUTH WAS ENORMOUS. Like, I also already know that I’m weird cuz I don’t really dig tongue in my mouth, but his mouth literally covered mine. My face was just wet. It wouldn’t have been if I was like, YAAAS GIMME DAT TONGUE, but I’m not that person, so I had a wet face. So I’m a lil grossed out about that, he still won’t stop trying to cuddle me into the sofa, so I just decided FUCK IT.

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So… the idea was get it done and get out. That’s worked in the past, and it doesn’t have an effect on whether I enjoy myself, it’s just a good bypass for cuddling… but that is not how this went down

I thought I’d had sex with a fat guy before… and after this experience, I had not, but I have now.

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FIRST OF ALL he was trying to be seductive, but he pinned me down to the sofa and the weight of his body hurt my lungs. Literally, I couldn’t breathe and his big ass mouth kept covering up my face, so I was real excited when he suggested the bedroom, but he continued to vaguely suffocate me between his enormous mouth and the weight of his body. But I’m a good person, and I’m a big girl, so I can overlook that, right?

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SECOND OF ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS, our bodies didn’t fit together. Have you ever tried to picture an atypical couple having sex? Like I had a friend who was under 5′ and like 120 soaking wet, and she was dating this 300 lb 6′ tall guy for a while, and I would wonder how they made that work… Well, not all bodies DO work. If this were the wild he’d be S.O.L. for mating with me, because his hips are wider than mine. So like, we managed a half-ass, very suffocative missionary for a while, but me on top was a bust, because I couldn’t get my legs around him and still have leverage to move, and doggie style didn’t work because his stomach got in the way. Fat men need to be very well hung to have sex easily,untitled.png I now know. The struggle for them is real.

TO FINISH THINGS OFF he’s a freaking bear. I got suffocated by a bear. I dunno that I’ve addressed this, but I have qualms with body hair. I try really hard not to, because to be honest I don’t really shave like 90% of the time, but my body hair is blonde, soft, and sparse. This guy’s body hair was none of those things… It was dark, coarse, and plentiful, and it just grossed me out a little. With everything else going on this was definitely the least of my problems and the easiest to overlook, but it was still a problem for me. I was so not into it.

BONUS NOTE It’s good to know that any guy will still blindly accept that I probably definitely totally for realsound like a hentai character when I’m having sex. (/s) I don’t, when I’m legit having fun, but I keep thinking as I get older someone will be like, you’re faking so hard right now, but they never do. Just blind acceptance all over the place.

TO BE CLEAR it wasn’t the worst date or sexual encounter I’ve ever had, but it falls very short of the best.

Here I was being so worried about my performance, I didn’t really consider someone else would have problems, or that would turn out like some terrible scene in a bad romantic comedy.

In conclusion, it was a mediocre life choice and not how I wanted to end my sexless streak. I shoulda waited to see if I could even deal with his touchy-feely nature, but I was in such a hurry to break my celibacy that I just jumped into it.

That’s also vaguely how I lost my virginity… overzealous and just wanting to get it over with more than anything.

I dunno that I’m still interested in the dude. He really wanted me to stay and cuddle and stuff, but I was real into going home… Gonna have to think real hard about this… Seems shitty to ditch someone because the sex isn’t good, but people do that, right?

Idk… Fuck.

I went on a date last night. Last minute thing, but I’ve been talking to a guy for like a week and he asked to buy me a drink.

He’s not a really hot guy, but he’s an interesting nerd. I’m all about interesting nerds, you know. In particular, he like to RPG. That’s cool, cuz I always wanted to learn D&D stuff. Remember the robot boy that was supposed to teach me? I’m totes down to become more nerd.

Anyways, long story short, we hung out for like three hours and than I took him back to his apt, cuz it was close by and he ubered there. I was confused because not once did he touch me. No hand shake, no attempted kiss or hug… and I wasn’t sure if he didn’t like me or if he’s just hella respectful.

So I sent him https://inspirobot.me today, because errybawdie needs that in their life, and he takes that opportunity to explain that he’s in a long distance relationship with a girl who will be moving out her to him as soon as she can, but in the meantime they have an open relationship.

I’m not devastated, but I’m mad.

I wasn’t in love or anything, but I would kind of like to have sex again before I die… I don’t do poly, so that’s not a thing that’s going to happen. At the same time, I’m trying really hard not to be TOO mad, because I could use a new friend who’s interesting… but we met under such false pretense, and now I’m mad.

I know I’m asexual and aromantic, but like… I’m lonely and I’d like to have sex. I’m getting too close to 30 to be the girl that gets wasted and goes home with a stranger… but no one really wants to date me. I’m discouraged. I’m pissed off. I’m generally unhappy about all of this.

What’s wrong with me?

I’M AN ADULT! Kinda…

Quick Recap:

  • Met a guy
  • Two great dates back to back
  • Got stood up
    • Drank a whole bottle of wine and cried all night
  • He made giant apologies
  • Work ruined him taking me out the next night
    • Went out with friends instead, no big
  • Stopped hearing from him

Okay, so let me preface with: I’m not a needy girl.
I’m really not. I don’t need us to talk on the daily. I don’t get mad when you have a night out with your friends. I don’t even need to know all your friends. I don’t need gifts for all holidays. I don’t need or want to give you permission to live life. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you.

Now, when he stood me up, I was upset… BECAUSE I SPENT AN HOUR DOING MY MAKEUP, WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO GET BACK TO ME, AFTER LEAVING WORK EARLY SO I COULD MEET HIM AT A REASONABLE TIME. I heard from him at 545, told him I was home around 6, and to let me know when he was ready to go out around 615… and then slowly wilted into a crying, sad, wreck with fucked up crying-face makeup as time went by and I heard nothing back from him. I didn’t text him 800 times. I didn’t call him drunk. I just wallowed in my misery drank a bottle of wine, and asked my friend in Australia why no one loves me…
Like a fuckin’ adult.

The next day, I got a message at 730am. He was sorry. He didn’t feel good, and laid down, and had just woken up. Did I believe it? Not entirely, but the guy is super crazy nice, and I liked him, so I was gonna let it go.
Like a fuckin’ adult.

He asked if he could take me to lunch. I told him I had plans, but that I was free that evening. We tried to make dinner plans, but with my fucked up stomach, we agreed to meet for drinks and I’d take him around town instead. I decided to do my makeup… so I looked great, and then about the time I was like 10 mins from the place and our meeting time, he let me know he wasn’t going to be able to make it… because work called him. While I was REALLY disappointed, I just resolved to go hang out with my friends at karaoke, and maybe when he was done he could come by.
Because I handle my shit like a fuckin’ adult.

He never did come by. I checked on him around 1am, and he was still at work… so I just enjoyed myself as best I could and figured I’d hear from him again later. I never heard from him again later. I zapped him some texts… a cute vid of me hanging out with my dogs… but he didn’t really wanna text with me, as far as I could tell from his texts back. They were just the obligatory kind of response that you get from people that HAVE to respond but have nothing to say. So, I just tried to leave him alone.
Like an adult.

But here’s the thing… I’m not REALLY an adult. My generation isn’t adults. Millennials fit NONE of the criterion for adulting, aside from getting jobs. We don’t like to adult. We don’t identify as adults. We will prolly never really understand the finer points of adultism, in general. Millennials just aren’t built for it. We wanna continue to play with Legos, and never have to make a phone call to setup a doctor’s appointment.
SO… I called him out on ignoring me over FB messenger today… before I had time to stop myself and be an adult… cuz like I said, I suck at being a really real adult. I didn’t make a big thing of it, though. I just talked to him normally… and then sprung on him that I felt like he’d been avoiding me, and this was me “metaphorically jabbing [him] with a stick.”

I didn’t confront him and be like, “what the fuck is your problem?” I just wanted to let him know that I wasn’t mad, I guess. I mean, I’m kind of mad that he’s been ignoring me… but I’m not mad about the missed dates. Shit happens. I was trying to understand his behavior, and it felt like he was under the impression I might not wanna see him again. He didn’t try to talk to me, but he still regularly interacted with me on social media… He didn’t ghost me, he just kept a distance… so in my terribly awkward way I tried to him know it was okay.
Which just made shit awk, obvi.

HIM: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to ignore you.
ME: It’s okay. I just like making social encounters more awkward than they have to be. It’s like a hobby. 😛
ME: Anyways… I’ll let you get back to your family. ^_^ emoticon Hit me up sometime.
HIM:For sure
Well, I dunno if that sounds as awkward as I feel like it sounds… but I was just like… OH GOD NO WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! HAHAHAHA…. GONNA GO DIE NOW…
So, that’s about where I’m at…
Will he call? I dunno. Least I made an effort, I guess….
Mostly I just wanted this to work out because I’m SO SICK of the dating scene… People are terrible, and they’re worse when you’re trying to date them. I just want someone to go out with me on the weekends… why is that so hard?
{insert joke about a hard dick here}

How Many Times?

::queue Insane Clown Posse song from my youth that I never admit to liking but secretly know all the words to::

How many times will I restart a diet? How many times will I fail?

In this case… one more time.
So here I go again. I’m not happy about it. I’m not going to get my hopes super up… but I’m going to try. I’m going to try REALLY hard.

I found a website yesterday that showed me how I look now, versus how I COULD look if I reached my ideal weight.

modelmydiet.com

It was a really interesting moment for me.

You see… I’ve never been thin. I’ve been THINNER, but never thin. As far back as I can remember weighing myself, I’ve been 200lbs plus. So unlike some people that were once thing, and then became overweight, I’ve never had a comparison of what I could be. I just have always been me.

This imagine is probably the most inspirational thing I’ve seen in my weight loss journey. It’s defining. It gives a certain amount of tangibility to my journey and what I could accomplish if I really stick to it. It made me sad, though, because I am so far from this goal (135 lbs far, to be exact). Still, seeing it, seeing the end goal, is so much better than anything I could come up with in my head.

If you like this, btw, and would like to see how you would look at goal weight, the website was www.modelmydiet.com.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.