Three MFing Pounds.

Life has been hard, as of late. I’m not really sure why I feel this way, to be honest. I mean, yeah, we have a new GM that’s kind of trying to fix everything at once, but that hasn’t really affected me THAT MUCH. I’ll have to do a little more IT work, because he let the company we were using go… but other than that… whatever.

I’ve just been depressed, recently. Can’t seem to break it for more than a day, and of course being UP for a day means I crash the next day. I’ve been trying to diet and exercise… and I honestly think that’s a contributing factor.

Now, let me clarify… It’s not the diet that depressed me, but the fact that I kept to the diet and exercise for seven days, I gained 3 lbs instead of losing anything. Before anyone says it, I don’t think it’s me gaining muscle mass. I’ve been walking, not weight lifting. Trying to get as close to 10k steps as I can. Closer to 6-8k most days, but that’s still way more than I ever used to move. You’d think I’d drop half a pound or something… not gain three motherfucking pounds. It’s discouraging as fuck.

On top of that, I have a weirdness with exercise. People always say the same stupid shit about exercise to people that don’t like to exercise.

If you keep at it, you’ll learn to love it and you’ll get addicted to it.

Bitch, no I will not. Stop telling me that. Do you know how quickly people get addicted to heroin? Almost immediately. Nicotine? Pretty quick. Gym? Fuck you. I’ve been trying to get addicted to exercising for 10+ years. Still hasn’t taken. I sometimes manage to develop a habit for months to a year, but I’ve never been addicted to it. I never CRAVE to exercise. I have to negotiate with myself over it, or berate myself into submission to do it. I never feel GLAD I exercised. I never get done and think, “Yeah, I wish I could feel like this all the time.” I always hate it. I always get done and just start debating taking up meth or cocaine, both of which are much more addictive and effective for weight loss.

Maybe it’s just me.
I can’t think of a single good association I’ve ever had with exercise since I was a kid, so maybe I have just been conditioned to hate it. #Pavlov
Maybe it’s because I’m bipolar, so my brain doesn’t release endorphins like it should.
All I know is that I’m really motherfucking tired of being told exercise is addictive and NEVER being able to get myself addicted to it.
No. No it motherfucking is not. If it is, then that shit isn’t universal, so you should still stop saying it. You’re just making me feel broken, and I have enough issues getting motivated.

The only way I’m any good at exercise is to be angry. Tell me I can’t do something, I’ll do it or literally die trying just to shut your stupid fucking face. I’m like She-Hulk or something. Thing is, though, I can’t be that angry every single god damn day. It’s a form of mania. After mania, I fucking crash. SO… yeah, I can go on that 7 mile hike with you and rage my way through it, but for the next week I will only have the energy to get up, go to work, come home, and cry till I fall asleep. That’s my reality. I don’t like it, but I can’t change it.

The diet hasn’t been bad. I’m kind of used to the eating habits, now. To the point that I had Chipotle yesterday, and it wasn’t even very good. Like, I just wished I’d cooked instead of getting it. It wasn’t bad by any means. I just would have prolly enjoyed my own cooking better, and it would have had less calories. Lesson learned.

Maybe I’ll just stop eating lunch and live off caffeine. I have to lose weight, and I’m not interested in being healthy about it. I’ve never wanted to be healthy. I don’t wanna be fit. I just wanna be rail thin. If I had a genie… my first wish would be, “I wanna be a size small with C-cup boobs forever.” People don’t get that concept. It’s how you can tell they’ve never been fat. I don’t wanna be able to run a 5k. I don’t wanna eat healthy greens. I don’t wanna eat heart healthy. I don’t really care about living a long time. I just wanna be thin.

But I also want to eat food I like.

The two don’t really go together.

My doctor once did a genetic test on me to see what foods my body would digest most effectively. It’s supposed to be a scientific approach to weight loss, because you just change over to foods you’re genetically pre-disposed to digest effectively, and you should lose some weight and feel better with only minimal efforts. My diet was a VERY low-carb Mediterranean diet, and it would have worked… because I’d rather NOT EAT than eat most of the things on my food list. Not terribly fond of mackerel and olives with bitter leafy greens you’re not allowed to cook with brown sugar and pork fat. Just… gross.

I’m gonna try this shit for another week… if I don’t lose some weight, I’m just going to stop eating lunch. That means, since I already don’t eat breakfast, I will be eating just dinner. Cuts my cals to about 800 on a bad day… if I don’t lose weight eating that little… I dunno. Maybe I’ll just take a knife and cut all the fat off like that girl in the ABCs of Death and see if I bleed out. Least I’d die pretty.

Is it needy, or am I cray?

What is “needy” defined as?
Well… Urban Dictionary defines it as:

image

Okay, so then what is a normative amount of attention?

I don’t fucking know.

So, SupaNerd and I went out on Saturday and he came over Sunday. There’s whole entry about it. Monday he wanted to hang out again. I didn’t give it much thought because I was laid up with a migraine that I was convinced was going to split my head open and Athena would pop out. (Greek Mythology for the win.) Yesterday he asked me to dinner.

Okay, so I don’t know what the normative amount of attention is, but I am of the mind that wanting to see someone every single day is bordering on needy. Like, we’re not even dating in an official, exclusive capacity. He is a guy I’ve been out with under the pretense of a date four times. He’s not my boyfriend, and I’m not even really sure if I want him to be. I’m still working it out…

Was I mad he ignored me for a month?
Yes, but flipping a 180 and wanting to see me every single day isn’t what I’m looking for, either.

Is it okay that he texts me everyday?
Sure. I have no problem with that. I’ll text anyone every single day. Not constantly, but I’ll get back to you. Text me all you want.

But isn’t it nice he wants to see you?
Yeah, sure, but I’m not the kind of person that abandons their entire life for a significant other… you become part of my life, not the center of it.

If you like him, why wouldn’t you want to see him?
I have shit to do. I have hobbies. I have four dogs and a cat to hang out with. I have video games to play, things to draw, crafts to make, cakes to bake, laundry to do. I like time with myself. It’s a me thing.

You need to put in some time with a person or they won’t wanna see you at all.
I did put in time. I put in two consecutive days. One of which I spent partially trapped under his lifeless body in the most non-sexy way ever.

Aren’t you just trying to self-sabotage because you like him and he likes you back?
I don’t think so, no. I’m all for seeing him… Thursday through Saturday. I like being alone during the week. It’s the same as when someone stays the night and then they sleep in. I fucking hate that. Get out of my house. I have things to do. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to wake up… and no I don’t wanna go to breakfast.

How did this turn into a third person conversation when you started out talking to yourself rhetorically?
I don’t know… it happens.

So look. Here’s the thing. I like a certain amount of privacy. I’m not a needy girl (as I have previously stated a number of times). I am a strong independent woman that doesn’t need a man. If I’m choosing to spend time with a guy, it’s because I find them interesting as a person. That’s me. At no point do I want to see ANYONE every single day, though. I kind of wish that I got to see completely different people at work everyday. Like… These people get too friendly.

Still, I’ve been single for a long, long time… so I turned to other people in my life to determine if I’m overreacting or if it’s legit weird. My lawyer bestie totally thinks it’s needy. He, like me, thinks seeing someone on the daily is needy. Like… get a hobby. My AU friend doesn’t really seem to think that’s needy… But low-key think he’s prolly the kind of guy that would be super needy… I’ve also taken to calling him a sexual deviant, because he mostly talks about sex. He’s obsessed… and not getting any. It’s weird.

I asked my mom, and she flipped shit on me for it.
No, apparently wanting to see someone on the daily isn’t needy. Also, why haven’t I kissed him yet? How’s he supposed to know I’m interested if I haven’t kissed him? What if he lived with me? Then we’d see each other daily. That’s not weird. I need to stop blowing him off right off the bat. I was all upset he didn’t talk to me for a month and now I’m all upset that he wants to see. What’s wrong with me? How am I supposed to get married if I treat people this way? Why do I have to be so abrasive? He seems fine, so I need to give him a chance. I don’t want to end up old and alone like my mother. She didn’t think about that when she was younger and now she regrets being all alone. She should have focused more on real relationships. She was worried when I used to be away from the house all the time and staid at my boyfriend’s place in my early 20s. Now she’s worried because I stay holed up in my house and don’t talk to real people. Talking to people on the internet isn’t really socializing, you know. It’s not healthy. She just worries. All the time. What will I do when she’s dead? Have I considered that? One day she’s gonna die, and if I’m not married, then what will I do? I’m gonna be all alone like her if I don’t stop being so damn abrasive to people and tied one down. Being independent is overrated. It would be better if I found a man to take of me.My mother totally low-key wishes I’d just fall madly in love with someone and get married. Actually… it’s not at all low-key. She tells me all the time.

Mostly to appease my mother I arranged to see him Thursday night. It gets him off my back for a few days, and makes my mother shut up. Win-win.

What really irritates me, is that I’ve explained to him more than once that I don’t eat in public… or with people. I have a GI problem. It’s awful. We went out Saturday, he got pizza, and I watched him eat it. I wanted some. I wanted some REAL BAD. I can’t eat it in public, though. On Sunday I took pills so I could eat Chinese food with him without doubling over in extreme pain 20 mins later. I still got sick, but he was passed out, so that was fine. If I eat, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to be violently ill. VIOLENTLY ILL. I’ve explained this, but he keeps trying to get me to do food-related things. I’m like… fucking stop and listen to me.

Tuesday he wanted to make me dinner. It’s a nice gesture. It’s very sweet. I appreciate it… but I prolly can’t eat it. I could take a pill, and then it won’t be painfully violent, but I’ll prolly still be extremely sick. I need to see GI specialist. It’s on my list of shit to do, right after get Kyrie’s glaucoma eye removed and see a bariatric specialist. We’ve been over this. I don’t like when people don’t listen. It drives me fucking insane. I’m not gonna cave and eat just because you keep asking. I’m going to dodge it at every single turn. We are never going to have a really real food date. We’re not doing breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, or apps. I’m not going to eat your food. I dunno how you cook, and being violently ill isn’t a thing I like. THINK OF ANOTHER FUCKING ACTIVITY THAT HUMANS DO TOGETHER… FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE HOLY IN THE UNIVERSE.

I just… I dunno.
Is it just me? Do I give off the vibe of, prolly needy and loves to eat?
Like, yeah, I’m a fat girl that brought up the fact it felt like I was being ghosted, but that doesn’t mean I’m needy. It means I fucking see you trying to ghost me… be a fucking man and tell me why you’ve been ignoring me for a month!!! And also, I have a larger mass than other people!!! That’s all it fucking means.

I dunno. Someone tell me if I’m being irrational. Please. Please do.

Charts

So… Back in 2009 I joined a weight loss site. That year looked like this.

2009-2010

I started at 235, developed the habit of either not eating for days, or going on a binge and then spending the next 30 minutes throwing up as much as possible (even though I later learned that once food hits your mouth, you’re fucked). It wasn’t at all healthy, but everyone was so proud of me when I dipped down into the 190s. It didn’t matter to them how I got there, since they didn’t see it. They saw me drink a coke everyday. It’s weird how no one even questions how someone might drop weight so fast.

As you can see, it didn’t last. It got to a point where my body just threw up every time I ate. It scared me, and the weight started to creep back toward the end of the year.

I kept the account that I signed up for in 2009, and would update it. Not to a whole lot of purpose, but just occasionally felt like making myself want to die, I guess. There were a few times I tried to lose weight again, but I couldn’t commit to eating nothing anymore. I didn’t relish the pain in my guy anymore. It was just reminiscent of that horrible place where I would throw up every time I ate… so over the years (2009-2015) my chart looked like this.

2009-2015

So where I started at 235, which was 35 lbs above my high school weight in 2006, I topped out earlier this year at 280.

280 is officially unacceptable. I know some people will say that over 200 should have been unacceptable, but to those people I say fuck off. You don’t know my life. The point is that I came within 20 lbs of being a 300 lb person and that, for me, is unacceptable. I’ve been a fat person my entire life, but something about 300lbs just floored me.

Was it my rock bottom? Was it some kind of wake up call?
I dunno. I’m pretty sure I could get substantially lower (fatter) before I’d call it my end all rock bottom moment of absolute change. It was a shitty moment, though. I don’t know how I let it creep up so high. It’s like waking up one morning to see a strange looking back at you… and that stranger wants donuts.

So, in June I started looking into diets. Over the course of my life I’d tried them all. From Ana and Mia diets, to fad diets, to beach body, to weight watchers, to coffee and cigarettes, to paleo, to vegan, to whatever. It seemed to me that finding a diet that worked for a long run of life was impossible. How are you supposed to stick to all these thing when you’re also trying to live your life. Yes, being thin would terrific, but I also really like tacos… and when my friends and I go out, we like to drink and get tacos… so, your diet of “you can never drink alcohol again or eat anything that may or may not have touched a fryer” wasn’t going to work for me. I get that you can’t do that shit everyday, but what is life without cheat days?

After a lot of investigation, I settled on Slim Fast. I associated it with older women that say they’re dieting, but really just drink themselves to death, but when I looked into it, it’s a pretty sound kind of diety thing. You’re getting good nutrition intake… and if you’re going out you just skip your shakes and snacks to use the calories for whatever. It even had good longevity, since people can go off it and if they feel they’ve gained it’s not going to wreck your life to start it again. I had always liked the concept of calorie counting, but this was easier since I was only calculating a 500 cal meal and some 100 cal snacks.

And so, I present to you my chart from when I started dieting in July to now.

June-Oct

Yeah, there’s been turbulence. That’s not a straight line. It’s not the most direct path. But anyone can see the trend, here. I’m losing. I’m losing without starving myself. I’m losing without even sticking to Slim Fast or a constant calorie intake.

At this point, I keep Slim Fast around, but I’m not strict with it. Mostly I track my calories. My goal for the day is 1200. If I’m under 1400 I’m happy with it. If I’m under 2000, I live with it. Not everyday is a winner. Some days I want Coke and Chipotle. Some days I eat a cucumber and drink a lot of water, and come in crazy under calories. But… I’m losing.

As of this morning I’m under 260. 20 lbs down.
I also fit in a smaller pant size. So… that’s pretty cool for me.

This shit is hard. I can’t honestly tell you if dieting or quitting smoking is harder for me. Both make me feel like life is empty and pointless when I think about them too long.
I am, admittedly, doing substantially better at dieting than quitting smoking, though… >_>

So… there ya go.

My losses and gains

So as of Friday, I am down 10lbs from my heaviest weight. I hope to never see my scale say 280, every again.

It feels like it’s taken forever to lose 10 lbs… and if I were sticking strictly to my diet, but all things considered I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m starting a stricter diet this week… Working toward not just staying within cals, but actually packing really good foods into it. 1200 calories of cake, is still 1200 cals, but it’s not nutritious and it will make you want more food later because you’re not getting the right stuff.

So… Gonna alternate caloric intake… 1200 then 1400 then 1200 again. 1200 is really low, so you don’t want your body to think you’re starving to death… I think the extra 200 every other day, ish, will help me consistently lose more.

My goal this week is 5 lbs. That’s more than twice what you should realistically lose in a week, but I need a confidence boost. So that’s the goal… but any loss, of course, would be amazing.

So what have I gained from this?

Much more respect for ridiculous food… because all I want is to binge eat junk… all the time.

Also, I have gained the realization that I will hate exercise forever.
My brain just kicks into this horrible thing where it loops how fat and useless I am. Over music, over tv, over books on tape… it’s just “YOU ARE A GOD DAMN FAT PIECE OF SHIT AND WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING KILL YOURSELF INSTEAD OF WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?! IT’S JUST GONNA COME BACK BECAUSE YOU’RE A BIG FAT ASS THAT SHOULD DIE SO STARVING PEOPLE CAN EAT THE FOOD YOU SHOVEL INTO YOUR FACE.”

So…. that’s just something I’m gonna have to deal with. I don’t like it. I absolutely hate exercising, because it’s awful and I always want to put a gun in my mouth afterwards, but I’m trying to ease into it. Right now my phone tracks my movement. I’m trying to move around at least 30 mins a day. Next week I’m bumping to 45. It’s not dedicated exercise. It’s “you walked to the mail box, then you parked at the back of the parking lot when you went to the store, and then you walked around the block at a leisurely pace with your geriatric dog.” So it’s not me on a treadmill with nothing to think about except what a piece of shit I am… it’s just trying to think of more reasons to expend a little more energy without really thinking about it.

Maybe later I will walk to Chipotle to obtain my salad instead of eating the one that I made myself…. Maybe. I dunno. We’ll see.

I’m not happy, or excited about this. I’m not reveling in my weight loss or feeling OMG SO GREAT. I hate it. I want to binge eat all the time. I don’t feel better about anything. I haven’t stopped craving shitty food. I don’t see any change in my appearance, and I don’t think my clothes fit better. It’s very disappointing. I know that I won’t start feeling any kind of change until 25 or 30 lbs down… And that sucks. It’s so much and so far and I feel really hopeless about it.

I wish I was only 30 lbs overweight. I could do that. If you told me this morning that I needed to lose 30 lbs and I would then be at my ideal weight, I guarantee I could drop that in a month.
But I am now 130 lbs overweight. Even if I could drop that in a month, I’d be left with flaps of skin and digestive problems.

I’m trying really hard not to make this a big thing. I don’t want to get carried away again and start throwing up every time I eat. I don’t want to be left with skin flaps, so I have to lose reasonably slowly. I don’t want to fail, but I don’t quite know how to succeed…

So that’s where I’m at.

Period Binging

if you don’t have a period… I hate you.

My anatomy pretty much hates me, in general, but the biggest offender is always my uterus. My intestines hate all food. My skin hates sunlight. My eyes hate to focus. My gallbladder waged full on war with me. My lungs don’t really like oxygen. My kidneys have attempted an attack. My uterus, however, comes at me like we are in a world war for total domination or decimation, every god damn month.

Now, I understand. I, too, would be mad if I spent all month getting a room ready for a guest and it turns out they didn’t show up. I would totally be pissed. I’m not sure that I would wreck the joint, though. My uterus wrecks the joint. It invites 1980s Motely Crüe over, and they throw TVs out the window, and tear open the furniture, and do lines of cocaine off of everything.

In real terms, this translates to extreme pain and general shiftiness. Every month I’m treated to flu symptoms: nausea, fatigue, congestion, fever, and lethargy. Just in case that isn’t enough, there is a near constant stabbing feeling in my abdomen. I don’t mean a dull ache, a sudden brief pain, or even that it feels like I’ve been socked in the gut. I mean that I feel as though there is something inside me trying to cut its way out for five to seven days straight. Also, I become ravenous.

I’ve been diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries. I have an enlarged ovary. Neither of these cause my pain. The pain is supposedly just cramps. It’s been speculated that it could be endometriosis, but it’s hasn’t been properly diagnosed. About the only thing that cuts through the pain? Percocet. I can’t take that when I’m going to work, of course. I can’t take it if I plan to drive, interact with people, or do anything except sleep very heavily. So, I live with the pain. Today, on the way to work, it was so bad that I had to pull over on the side of the freeway and just breathe until I was sure I wasn’t going to vomit.

The other thing that treats all this awful, though, is grease. Now, I have not researched this, but I think there’s a direct correlation between treating menstrual stress and grease. When I’m menstrual, all I want it is the grossest, most A,ericam processed, greasy ass crap that I can shovel down my gullet. Today I had nachos, covered in some kind of liquid orange cheese, with jalapeños and sour cream. Later, I had a fried fish sammich. Both were nauseatingly delicious. And both elicited a momentary lapse in my dismay and discomfort. While I also suffer from IBS, I am prone to period stomach, which results in anything I eat becoming a very bad idea. Weird thing is, the higher the grease content, the less period stomach effects me. Salad? Bad idea. Biggest burger ever, deep fried and topped with whipped cream? Perfect. It’s so crazy.

Anyways. So I binged today. I needed it. I will eat much better for three days, and completely avoid the scale, but I needed today. Life happens, and the best laid plans of dieters have weak points. The important thing is to realize it happens and deal with it instead of beating yourself up about it. Give yourself a break.

In related news, I was down a total of six pounds this morning from my start weight. Six pounds in two weeks is really great. Yay me.

Pescatarian

So I’ve decided to be pescatarian, now.

No, it’s not because I think that I’m better than anyone, need a new fad diet, or anything like that.
Cows are cute. Chickens are dirty, gross animals. Pigs are amazingly cute. Lambs, elk, etc… cute land creatures.
So I don’t want to eat them. I mean… I do, but I feel SO BAD ABOUT IT.
I already don’t eat eggs or drink milk.
I’m working on giving up cheese.

I don’t really sympathize with fish.
Fish markets freak me out, but at the end of the day I’d go to one and pick me out a fish for dinner.
So I settled on fish.
I’ve been trying to limit my meat intake anyways, for health reasons.
While fish isn’t really BETTER than land meat, it comes with less guilt for me.
Also, because of where I live, fish can be quite pricey, which limits how often I can have fish and in what quantity.

I’m excited to be doing this.
This is important to me.

Maybe it’s not as good as being vegan.
Maybe swapping eggs and milk for sea life isn’t interchangeable on the morality scale.
Maybe I’m going to fail.
Maybe in the future I can kick the fish and just be vegan.

I dunno, but I do know that I’m losing weight, feel better, and I’m excited…

And that’s not bad for a start.

How Many Times?

::queue Insane Clown Posse song from my youth that I never admit to liking but secretly know all the words to::

How many times will I restart a diet? How many times will I fail?

In this case… one more time.
So here I go again. I’m not happy about it. I’m not going to get my hopes super up… but I’m going to try. I’m going to try REALLY hard.

I found a website yesterday that showed me how I look now, versus how I COULD look if I reached my ideal weight.

modelmydiet.com

It was a really interesting moment for me.

You see… I’ve never been thin. I’ve been THINNER, but never thin. As far back as I can remember weighing myself, I’ve been 200lbs plus. So unlike some people that were once thing, and then became overweight, I’ve never had a comparison of what I could be. I just have always been me.

This imagine is probably the most inspirational thing I’ve seen in my weight loss journey. It’s defining. It gives a certain amount of tangibility to my journey and what I could accomplish if I really stick to it. It made me sad, though, because I am so far from this goal (135 lbs far, to be exact). Still, seeing it, seeing the end goal, is so much better than anything I could come up with in my head.

If you like this, btw, and would like to see how you would look at goal weight, the website was www.modelmydiet.com.