I’m not okay, but it’s not like it matters

Things are… hard… right now.

Mom still has pneumonia (since March) and she isn’t getting better, but insists on going to work anyways. My title gal is out on emergency surgery, so I’m covering for her, which means double duty at work, and doing a job that stresses me out anyways (titles means talking to a lot of people, and we know I hate having to talk to people). I’m sick with… something that makes my chest heavy and causes extreme fatigue. My moods are all over the place, we’re coming up on month end, I’ve made NO progress at getting my house ready to sell so I can focus on moving, and I’m losing summer….

Everything is awful and hard, and I can’t stick to my diet, and all I want to do is sleep, and my friend that SHOULD understand what I’m going through right now is too busy being selfish and wrapped up in his own life and it’s tiny social bullshit to actually listen to me. Meanwhile I have a friend that keep telling me I’d feel better if I worked out, which makes me wanna punch him in his stupid face, because if I had the energy to work out I fucking would. My other friend is really sweet but not really someone I’d ever want to talk about this shit with.

I just… Want to shut down.

I’m so tired, and I’m overwhelmed, and I’m sick….

My boss asked if I wanted to stay home today, but I can’t do that because month end is coming, and I need to be far enough ahead on titles to be able to stop doing titles for month end…. and I’m not there.

Today she was like, are you okay?

And the answer is no… but it doesn’t matter if I’m okay. The world doesn’t really care. I have shit to do and responsibilities. No one REALLY cares if you’re okay except your mother (if you’re lucky). Everyone else just wants to be sure you’re able to work, otherwise you can be replaced.

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I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.

#Depression : How my life is currently blah

Hey guys, girls, and non-binary pals!
(Yes, I stole that from Thomas Sanders… but I don’t think he’d sue me for it, seeing as it’s the catchiest way to properly greet everyone.)

So it’s been a while…I’m trying to post this via email, so we’ll see how the formatting comes out.

I had to correct the last entry a little. I thought my step sister named her kid Anakin. My HALF sister named her son Anakin. My step sister named HER son Avi. Ani and Avi… Just like… Okay, family… Whatever. Fortunately, I’m estranged, so like… this is just information I get to have, as opposed to a piece of my actual life.

Let’s see. Updates in my life?

LIFE UPDATE A, I’m going to Oregon.
I finally booked a ticket to go visit my bestie in Oregon come May. She’s excited. I’m excited. We’re gonna play Injustice 2 with her husband, and see Singing in the Rain at this cool theater, AND she’s thinking of getting a beach house for a couple days so we can hit the beach. I am super stoked. I could really the use the vacation, but also I really miss her. I find myself in a lot of situations where I’m like, “I wish Billie was here to hang out with me.” So like, getting to see her and stuff is super exciting and I’m super happy about it.

LIFE UPDATE 2, I am horrifically depressed.
I’ve been depressed for a while. This isn’t new, other than I was originally thinking that I was depressed because I was tired, but I’m pretty much sure that I’m tired because I’m depressed. It’s been a bad couple of months. I’ve been sad. I cry for no reason. I recently discovered that if I listen to music that makes me happy I cry… so that’s a weird thing. Pretty much, at this point, I am just constantly pushing down the urge to cry at all times. Also, sometimes I want to cry, and nothing happens. It’s crazy.

So, being a rational human being (hahahahahaha…. right), I finally reached a place where I decided that I should see a doctor.

SKIP ALL OF THIS IS YOU DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT HOW FUCKED KAISER INSURANCE IS.

So, I called my local Kaiser Behavioral Center and asked for an appointment concerning severe depression. “Yeah…. we’re not gonna do that… we’re gonna schedule a psychiatric nurse to call you in a week, and if you can convince HER that you’re sad, we can schedule an appointment with a shrink for you in… like 2 months.”

Obviously, they said it more professionally than that, but that’s still what they said. They scheduled for a nurse to call and interrogate me, and then IF I seemed like I actually needed to see someone, they were scheduled about 2 months out… to which I just thought… Yeah, cuz it’s not like people kill themselves when they’re depressed or anything.

I am not suicidal, btw… not right now, anyways.

Anyways, so the day before this nurse is supposed to call me, I get a call and this chick is like, “So I was looking at your chart, and honestly, because of how far out the appointments are, maybe you should go through your primary… but I see you don’t have a Kaiser primary caregiver?” And yeah, I don’t. The facility close to my house, and pretty much EVERY OTHER KAISER FACILITY has no doctors accepting new patients. As a result, I’ve just been avoiding having to see the doctor. So this chick is trying to tell me that this other facility has some open spots and I’m trying to explain to her that the other facility is really out of my way… It boiled down to cancelling the phone call, because it wasn’t going to do me any good anyway…

In related news, my mother is on Kaiser, too, because we share an employer. She has a very bad cough, and can’t breathe. I accidentally gave her my upper respiratory infection. So, she called the appointment line at Kaiser and asked to see ANYONE at the facility by the house that could advise her. They really just wanted her to go to the ER. Uhm, no. Kaiser only uses certain hospitals, A, and 2, it’s $500 to go to the ER. She wanted a script for the cough. So after fighting tooth and nail for her right to be able to SEE A HUMAN BEING, she finally got in with someone. They couldn’t give her much for it, apparently, but they gave her an inhaler and some pills to suppress cough. Fuck man. Kaiser super doesn’t want you to actually see their doctors. They will do ANYTHING to deter you from actually seeing a doctor. Literally, they wanted to know why she didn’t have a primary that she could just email about it. I dunno about you, but in the event I actually get to the point where I want to see a doctor, I don’t want to email them about it. WHAT IF IT’S PNEUMONIA?! They can’t accurate diagnose you via email for shit like that… It’s just… ugh… so annoying.

I AM NOW DONE RANTING ABOUT KAISER

So, I called my doctor. On my insurance, I can see an out-of-network doctor 10 times. I have to submit a claim and stuff, but it’s an option, and I was so fucking fed up with the run around from Kaiser, that I made an appointment with my doctor. HERE IS THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO: I told the girl making the appointment that I wanted to see my doc about depression. My doc is booked up until the second week of April. She repeatedly tried to get me to see a nurse practitioner or another doctor this week. She was very insistent, because I was making an appointment for DEPRESSION.
I appreciated it, but if I’m going to pay to see my doctor, I want to see MY doctor, ya know? So, I see her the 2nd week of April, and I’m sure my depression will hold until then. Why not? It’s held this long.

I’m still not like… good. I’m better, knowing that I can see my doc in a couple weeks, but like… pretty much anything makes me want to cry right now. It’s crap ass as fuck.

LIFE UPDATE D, I went on the worst date I’ve ever been on.
So, I was seeing the Robot Boy for a while, but I have since just stopped talking to him all together… and I will tell you why.

He was supposed to come to a game night my friend was having, because we all wanted to play a D&D type game. Cool. We are nerds. The night before was his actual D&D night with his own nerds. That got cancelled, and he seemed real bummed about it. I wasn’t doing anything, so I asked if he wanted to do a thing. This was my mistake. I should staid on script. We had plans for the next night. We didn’t need to see each other.

Anyways, he invited me over, told me to bring some movies, and said he’d order pizza. Cool. Great. I am not high maintenance. Movies and pizza are great. The drive to his place was ridiculous, though.

I don’t like to go far to see people. It’s a thing. If you’re more than like 20 minutes away, you’re kinda far… especially in winter. It was a nice evening, though, so I made the trip. It’s 45 minutes if you have good traffic and about an hour in normal traffic. I find that REALLY far, but I was trying REALLY hard to socialize and get to know a person.

On top of all that, I had to look like a people for this person I’m dating, so I put effort into my clothes, and I had to find some movies I thought he’d like. That’s hard. I own mostly horror movies. Lots of people don’t find watching a film crew get horribly murdered and eaten by a tribe in South America to be a good time. So I dug around in the basement and pulled some good ones.

So I load up, I make the drive, and when I get there…

Okay, I’m not high maintenance. I don’t need fancy. I don’t even need to go out once I’m relatively sure that you’re either not a serial killer, or at least not going to kill me. I don’t need to be wined and dined. I don’t need name brand. I don’t need gifts. I’m just looking for someone that I enjoy hanging out with. I need you to understand this before I tell you about the date. I don’t think I’m being high maintenance here. Yes, we’d been talking since last June, but in actual dates, we were on date five, maybe. If it’s the 5th time you’re seeing someone in person, this is not how I recommend acting.

So I show up, and he’s wearing sweatpants and a ratty shirt. Not impressed, especially after I legit put on makeup, since it’s the fifth time we’ve seen each other in person. I rationalize it, though, because I’m not a high maintenance gal. I get it. He’s at home. He’s comfortable. Fine. Clothes don’t make the man. We ate some pizza and I let it go.

So, I ask what movie he wants to watch, and he decides he doesn’t want to watch a movie. He just wants to watch Bojack Horseman. I’m kind of miffed,since I went to a lot of effort to try and find movies, but I’m adaptable. I haven’t watched Bojack, but I hear good things. He’s in the middle of Season 2, though, and no, we are not starting over. So I watch it. I dunno what’s going on, but whatever. I try to ask a couple questions, like why Todd lives with Bojack, since I don’t know what’s going on, and he gets kinda irritated about it, saying he didn’t put that much thought into cartoons… so I just sit there. Meanwhile, he really wants to do that touchy-feely-cuddle shit, and I’m just not about it. I’m not a cuddler on a normal day, but I’m super not one when I’m irritated with people. I’m trying to be cordial about it, but I’m irritated. This whole night seems to be a vague, uninspired attempt at Netflix and Chill. If you’re gonna Netflix and Chill me, put some fucking effort into it.

I guess at some point he noticed I was irritated… or maybe not. He went to his room, got a blanket and a pillow, and burrito’d up on the couch. And I’m just like, “Why am I even here?” And that was my queue to leave. He didn’t seem to mind… and I’m like… well fuck… what a ruined Friday night I could’ve devoted to anything else.

Here’s why I’m mad: If he didn’t want to do anything, we didn’t need to do anything. I didn’t need to drive that far. I was not lonely. I was planning on seeing him the next day anyways. I was totally happy staying at home playing video games. HE invited ME over.

Anyways, I cancelled him coming to game night, by blatantly lying (I said that Bren’s kid was Exorcists vomiting so it was cancelled). I just… wasn’t having it. Bren, and other people I’ve told about the night, agree that it was strange. So, I still don’t think it’s me.

But yeah. That was god-awful. And it sure as shit didn’t help my depression.

In unrelated to me news, David 2 is seeing someone. We went out with a girl I know and her gay friend, and the gay friends hooked up. That’s nice, I guess. I try not to be envious about it, but…

I manage to get him to go out to a bar one time, and he ends up dating someone. I couldn’t pull that off if my life depended on it. I’m fucking lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him. I am. I hope it works out and that they end up being boyfriends, fiances, and live happily ever after with a fantastic wedding, but I’m still envious.

Maybe I’m just envious because of the depression. That’s a totally valid kinda thing. Maybe if I can wrap my arms around this depression thing and haul myself out of this dark place I’ll be less… resentful. I dunno. We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… I’m out for now.

Hope this formats right.

TTYL Silent Audience.

Not Official Yet… But…

So we’ve previously discussed that I have no life plan. I just fumble through life and once in a while I impulsive DO SOMETHING. This week I impulsively did a thing.

Let’s backup.

On Wednesday my mom woke up at 230 in the morning and her brain kicked on. It decided to show a reel of all the poor choices she’d made in her life. That set the tone for the whole day. It wasn’t a good day. Recently, because she keeps thinking about the fact she’s going die, my mom keeps trying to get things in order so that when she does die, I’m not fucked. Lol. I’m a pretty independent twenty-something, but with no other family to fall back on, she worries. I get that. So she’s been looking around to see where we could move that would afford me a better career opportunity. So, as she does, she was talking about us moving to Daphne, AL because there’s a Controller position open down there. I’m not a fan of the idea of moving pretty much anywhere that isn’t California (looking for no snow and no hurricanes but with beach access). I’m also not looking to be a Controller. My mom’s a Controller. I’ve seen that hell. It’s not what I’m looking for. So I told her no, because my eventual goal is California, but if she thought that would be good for her that she should go.

Apparently, that stabbed her in the heart and tore it out of her chest. She was mad as shit at me for that comment. Also, she felt the need to remind me that I’m not GOING anywhere. So… she got to relive all her bad choices at 230am, and she decided to remind me that my life is going nowhere. Great day… lemme tell you.

So we had to have it out. That’s how we communicate. I had to explain to her that I don’t really have a plan. I’m not a planner when it comes to my life. It made her sad. I also had to explain that I’m just not trying to stand in the way of her being happy. People DO go off and start over at sixty-something and enjoy the rest of their life. That’s a thing that happens. Then we got into:

“Do you think I’m smothering you?!” -her

“No, I think you feel responsible for me and how I do nothing with my life, because I’m boring and have no motivation.” -me

“You don’t have any other family when I’m gone! There are people in the South that are your family. In California, all you have is your dad’s family, and they’re not gonna help you.” -her

“I don’t want to move to California to be close to family. I don’t talk to family. I don’t even wanna move to the same area as my friend that lives in California. I’ve accepted that at some point I’m gonna be alone in the world and it’s fine. I just want what I want!” -me

So… We came to a weird impasse, but at the end of it, I pretty much explained that because of my own poor life choices I am stuck here indefinitely till after Keagan and Kyrie pass on. I’m hoping, of course, that that’s not terribly soon, but that’s how it is. I can’t move with four dogs and a cat. Keagan is 14, Kyrie is 10… So 4-6 years from now I’ll be ready to make a move. Also, in four years I should be out of my student loans. So my “plan” is to hang out in Denver till then.

Back at work, we were supposed to hire a Finance Assistant.
This made me kinda irritated.

You see, I asked our previous GM if I could learn to sell. He didn’t take me seriously.
I asked our previous Service Manager if I could be an Advisor, AND was prepared to go back to school for it. He didn’t take me seriously.
So, I was kinda irritated that if we needed a Finance Assistant, that the GM didn’t think to ask if anyone in the office would want to move up.

Long-story-short, the finance assistant isn’t coming. There’s a lot of politics in there as to why, but she’s not coming. So… I decided to throw my hat in the ring. He couldn’t see me that night, though. So I talked to him yesterday.

The job sounds daunting and stressful and generally awful. I’m helping assist finance, but I’m also supposed to learn finance and start selling myself… and help sales… so like the entire floor will be yelling at me for help. Still, all I could think of was Brooke.

Brooke was a finance person we had for a long long time. She was pretty, and confident, and scandalous. She also made a killing every paycheck. Obviously, we can’t all be Brooke. Brooke is an idolization that I aspire to be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be her a little bit.

As of this morning, it’s looking like I’ll be moving to finance. First we have to find a title clerk, then I have to pass the sales licensing test, change my hair, get a “customer facing wardrobe,” and learn what I’m going to actually be doing… but all signs point to me giving up my Saturdays and learning to be on the floor.

It’s scary as fuck.

When I had to move from middle school to high school, I was terrified and cried about it.
When I had to graduate and start college, I had a complete panic attack and tore all my fake nails off on the first day of classes.
When college was over and I realized that I wasn’t gonna get a job in my field, and that I had to make an adult decision for employment, I copped out and just staid here.
I don’t handle big changes exceedingly well, is what I’m saying.

But… I impulsively did a thing, and it’s looking like that’s what I’m doing… regardless of if I’d rather back out and hide in my house forever, instead.

I’m hoping that with the increase in money, even if it’s not that much to start with, that I can get a new car… and build my way up from there to being more of a really real adult… or get a maid… I really want a maid…

Important thing is that it appears I have some kind of short-term game plan… and if it doesn’t work out, I have all my accounting and title experience to fall back on. But I hope it works out. Moving for a job in finance is better than moving for a job in accounting. Better pay, more options… so… it’s scary but it’s good.

Anyways… more when it’s official, yeah?

What Is My Life Now?

I found a journal I’ve been keeping on and off since Senior Year yesterday. Read some it… how lost I was, then.

But then I started thinking about it… and I’m not less lost now then I was. Not at all. I can’t even answer questions I used to be able to answer anymore. Older people will tell you that your 20s are meant to be when you figure out who you are, but fuck… I haven’t any kind of idea. I’ve had the same job for eight years, I live in the same house, next door to my mother…
I mean the only thing that’s really changed between 2006 and now, is that I have four dogs and a cat, instead of two dogs. I also go out significantly less. So… I guess I got more boring and became more of an animal hoarder. AND I stopped dating people… So I dropped that slut status… But is that gonna be the rest of my life?I know they say not to compare your life to the lives of others, because they don’t share your experiences and nothing will be comparable… but it’s almost impossible not to make the comparison. Social media throws it all in my face.Things other people have accomplished:

    MarriageChildrenLaw schoolNot growing up at allMoving awayGetting big awesome jobsJobs in the field in which they got their degree

I got none of that. I don’t even have a significant other… because people suck… but I haven’t really DONE anything. I got a graphic design degree from a horrible for-profit college… and that’s really the end of the achievement list. I haven’t even lost weight since high school. I gained it. It’s like my life is standing totally still.

But, then I had this scary ass thought…
I don’t wanna get married. I’m not going back to college, more than likely. I have a house and a good job here, so I’m probably not going to move any time soon. So… aside from either accidentally getting pregnant (which I don’t foresee since I’ve decided to stop banging people for good this time) or adopting a kid, there is nothing else for me to look forward to. I have no achievements left in life. That’s the most depressing thing to happen to a 25 year old, EVER.

Bird’s got a new man, and her graduation is coming up. Who knows what she’ll end up doing in the next five years.
Davy gets his bar exam scores soon and, in spite of his doubts, will probably get a lawyer job somewhere. Knowing Davy, this will take exactly five years for him to become some kind of partner in the firm and then he and his man will adopt some kids and sale off into the golden sunset.
And… that’s like the end of my friends list.

I have this horrible fear that nothing will change in my life in the next eight years… What if I wake up at 33 and I have 16 dogs, no significant other, no kids, and I’m still here at the dealership? I’m gonna kill myself, that’s what will happen… Probably not. I can’t leave dogs without a home… but for fuck’s sake. I just…

I can’t even… I’m scared. I hate this crap. Living with total uncertainty CANNOT be the endgame to life… You reach 25 and your world falls apart because it has no where left to go?What kind of shit deal is that?

Depressing Math of the Day

Looked up cost of Gastric Sleeve surgery (weight loss).
They reduce the stomach by 75% and cut out the part that makes you feel hunger.

For insurance to qualify me, I have to go to a physician every week for 6 months to prove that exercise and diet don’t work.
Exercise and diet DO work. That’s not the point.
So that would be $600 in doctor visits… and then the ACTUAL cost of surgery is still $500 on my insurance.

So then I thought about the gym (which I hate so much that if gyms were a race of people, I would launch a mass genocide action against them…
For that to work, I would have to quit having internet to afford the gym fees.
That would also be the only way my junkie butt would have reason to go to the gym… not having internet…

Conclusion…
Imma be fat forever.

And yeah… I have an elliptical… and I know how to diet…
But what’s the payoff? Getting to buy new clothes over not eating alfredo and a lot of sweating?
I hate health…

They should have just made a chip to put in my brain that regulates my metabolism to keep me at my ideal BMI.
It’s 2014, god damn it… Flying cars, hover boards, and weight loss brain chips.
WHERE IS THE FUTURE I WAS PROMISED!?

Little More Rational Now

So, I do not have breast cancer.
Joyous, wonderful and downright fantastic news.
I couldn’t be happier about that, truly.

To recap what I completely skipped over, I went to Sally Jobe on Monday and got an ultrasound of my right breast. The doctor had found two little beads of doom and she wanted to have them checked. That’s well and good, but she kept my birth control, because, as I learned, estrogen, found in most birth controls, can accelerate the growth rate of breast cancer.

So, I lost my mind over the weekend, thinking I was probably going to die, and then went into Sally Jobe on Monday. My mom went with me, in case it was bad news, but it was not. They couldn’t even find what the doctor thought she had felt. It was totally just a bad scare.

That brings me to today.
I’ve been off birth control for three weeks now. Week one was expected, because it was Shark Week (shark brains are curiously shaped like female reproductive organs). Week two was after I found out that my script for the Nuvaring was out of refills, and that I needed to see the doctor. Week three has been this week, which has been me trying to get my god damn birth control called in.

All I’ve wanted to do for three mother fucking weeks is eat, fuck, and scream. That’s me without birth control. I was placed on birth control when I was fourteen, because I have a cystic ovary and an enlarged ovary. When I’m not on hormone regulating birth control, I am a god damn loon.

Image

This right here. Perfect illustration of me for three weeks.

I managed, thankfully, to get my pills today. That means, that in TWO WEEKS I will be back to normal. Why does it take a week for hormone weirdness to kick in, but two damn weeks for it to cut the fuck out? Ugh… I hate everything… but I have no cancer… and that’s good.

Now… if only I had a cigarette…
#toolazytogobuysome