Party Girl Social Slut

I miss when I was a huge slut.

That sounds weird, I know, but I really do.

It’s not that I miss having a lot of promiscuous sex with people, not that there’s anything wrong with that so long as you’re safe about it (BANG WHOEVER YOU WANT! JUST USE A SCUM BAG {condom}), but I miss who that girl was. Slutty me was a completely different person than I am now. She was outgoing, adventurous, and prone to making poor life choices that should have, but rarely, resulted in bad consequences. It’s really strange for me to think about how different I was, just a few years ago.

I admit that I don’t remember my early 20s very well. I spent a lot of it blackout drunk. I wasn’t away at college, like a lot of people are when they talk about drinking excessively in their early 20s, I was just blackout drunk here in Denver and I’d either find a way home or wake up in weird places. I had a habit of waking up inside the Tabor Center. This was especially strange when I hadn’t started drinking anywhere CLOSE to downtown Denver, much less 16th St Mall. Surprisingly, I never woke up at a person’s house after binge drinking, though. I’d get wasted, and bang someone, but apparently I was never a “stay the night” kinda girl. Maybe I was subconsciously avoiding the walk of shame? More often than not, I think it’s that I didn’t want to set a premise… Staying the night might mean I like you. I don’t. I’m outtie, bruh.

By the way, I WAS in college, but I went to a local art college (#achiever). I remember so many mornings where I’d been out binge drinking the night before, and in the middle of my morning class I’d go to the bathroom and throw up black stuff that looked like coffee grounds and tasted like burnt bile. I, of course, googled this and found out that it was blood, and that I was very close to alcohol poisoning… and for whatever reason, young, stupid me thought that was so interesting. Not scary, because it meant I could have died, but just interesting.

I was a such an outgoing person, then. I was down for any adventure, with anyone, for whatever purpose. I talked to people: anyone. I loved being out and socializing, and drinking a lot, and generally having a good time. I wanted to be a wild child, I guess, even if it wasn’t always a good time. There were a lot of times that weren’t good.

There was the guy that was obsessed with bikes who wanted me to act like a cat after constructing me a cat collar from bike parts… That was unpleasant.
There were the MYRIAD of guys that really wanted to choke me into unconsciousness and generally sought to do me bodily harm.

There was the boyfriend that was married, and a severe alcoholic, who just berated me for NOT being white trash like he was. God forbid I didn’t choose meth over nice teeth and had managed to secure a desk job from an early age.

There were multiple stalkers who wouldn’t leave me alone after a one night stand.

There was the miscarriage.

There were downsides…

Still, I like who I was. I didn’t like myself then, but I don’t like myself now, so that’s nothing new. I just feel like that version of me had more potential and lived life more fully. I was never the wild child that my mother was. I didn’t do drug. I didn’t even leave my hometown. Still, I had a lot of fun collecting minions and partying.

I was recently reminded that I COULD go back to that life. I could do anything. You’re never too old to go back… but I’m not that person anymore. I still like being drunk, but it’s different. I babble, but I’m not necessarily social. I like being out, but I always want to go home at the end of the night. I don’t mind talking to people, but I wouldn’t go home with anyone. Also, I could never have sex in a car again… I’ve come too far to fold the seats down and hope I don’t get caught.

So how do you go back to being LIKE a party girl without being a party girl?

I don’t know.

I’m currently just trying to figure out how to meet some new people.

When all my friends kind of aged out of partying, I started going out alone. I’d go to concerts, car shows, whatever, by myself and try to meet people. It was a mixed bag of success. I met David 2, and I had a lot of fun going to concerts. I’d see a lot of the same people all the time, but we weren’t really friends. I’d also still drink a lot… which is why I never had booze at home (fear of becoming my dad). I also lamented that I was doing so much alone, though. Seeing someone over and over doesn’t mean that you’re friends with them, and I knew that, since I would usually go home alone, and not even have anyone to talk about the night with the next day.

I feel like so much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of friends and relationships. I’ve talked about how I spent a lot of time alone as a kid… and how changing schools was hard for me… and how I spent so much time trying to be just like the people I was attempting to befriend that I often lost myself in the minefield of other people’s interests.

As an adult, I don’t mind new hobbies. I have so many hobbies from collecting them over the years. Still, some things are just mine, things not stolen from people I was trying to be just like. I love SciFi, for instance, and horror for another. I like to draw, even though it’s been hard for me to do, and I hope to get back to a place where I can draw and I’d like to write a scifi horror comic.

In pursuit of people I could share this with, I’ve re-signed up for MeetUp. It’s a neat little site that essentially just tells you where people are and what their theme is. People who like beer are here on this day. People who knit are here on this day. People who like horror movies are here. And you go, and hopefully you meet some people that like things you like.

I’m putting off my first MeetUp… It’s April 10th… And I say that I’m waiting till April because I’ll be really busy till then, but in reality I’m scared that it will end up like last time. I was on MeetUp a few years ago, and… it was awful. Mid-20s Sam went to a lot of MeetUps for all kinds of things.
I did trivia nights at bars, but no one actually talked to me… I was just like an extra in a movie. I really thought I’d shine there because I’m so filled with worthless facts that show up in trivia games, but I usually just ended up drunk and sad.
I tried an Introvert Group, because my social anxiety was getting worse… and they were uninterested in socializing with me. I’m not sure why.

I went to a professional MeetUp and didn’t realize everyone there was supposed to be over 50. If you were ever bullied as a kid, and for some reason you are nostalgic for it, be a young 20-something at an over 50 event. Those people were so fucking mean, and I literally left the event in tears, on the phone with the mothership, just crying and wondering why they were so mean about it. I was professional, I was happy to talk to them, and they just… ripped me to pieces.

I tried an Asexual group, and it turned out to just be one really nice trans woman in a wheelchair. I liked her, but I was hoping to meet MORE people than one other person.

I almost went to a Magic: The Gathering group, because I knew how to play and everything, but after these and other failed MeetUps, and increasing anxiety, I sat outside the place they were meeting for about 30 minutes and drove myself home…

I went to a car show, which was NOT a MeetUp group, and I just ended up running into this guy I only know as Tastee Freeze or Koolaid, because I picked him up in a bar when I was 18 and illegally drinking. I faked that I had a boyfriend there, because my married, alcoholic ex was wandering around with his kids somewhere and I hoped I could pretend we were still a thing to make Tastee Freeze back the fuck off… but I never saw the ex, nor did I talk to anyone else the whole day.

I’m just scared of it all going bad again.

Still, I’m a different person now…

Maybe people will like me better.

Maybe I’ll know what to say or not to say.

I dunno…

But I do want to try and channel SOME of that slut I used to be…

But just the good parts.


Boy George & Bipolar

It was a weird weekend…

Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.

Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.

I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.

This mentality can and does get me in trouble.

But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.

I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.

The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.

With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.

My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.

I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.

I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.

He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^

The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.

The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.

This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.

I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.

Not sure how to handle that delicately…

Space Ace

Poly Parties

So, I have an eclectic group of friends. They range in ages, sexualities, economic statuses, ethnicities, and personality types. One particularly interesting clique I associate with is a group of poly-amorous people. Poly people are SO FASCINATING, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I’m not poly anything. I’m a strictly monogamous person, because I’m crazy psycho jealous… so seeing people effectively carry on multiple romantic relationships is like observing alien behavior. Second, there’s the sexual aspect. Now, there are poly people that only have multiple romantic relationships, but this group tend to also incorporate multiple sexual relationships. I find that terribly interesting, because, again, I get crazy wicked jealous. So whenever these poly people have a party, I love going.

This time around is going be strange but fun, though. They haven’t had a poly party since I… realized… that I’m Meh-Sexual.

Meh-Sexual is the word I’ve adopted to accurately describe my sexuality, because I’m tired of people telling me that asexual means I reproduce by budding or mitosis. Meh-Sexual is not the same as Nah-Sexual. I’m sex neutral, meaning I might have sex with you, so I use meh. It’s not like… an interesting activity for me. I have friends that don’t have sex at all, so they are Nah-Sexual. I have yet to come up with better terms for the rest of the types of Aces. Working on it.

At previous parties, my instinct is to drink until I make poor life choices. It just seemed the thing to do, being surrounded by people that totally embrace a sexual lifestyle and all. The drinking made the awkward feeling go away. This time, I think I’ll do it differently.

I’ve taken the initiative to invite my friend that “gets” my asexuality. I dunno that she understands the whole thing, but she totally accepts it without question, and I love that about her. She’s also in a committed, strictly monogamous relationship. So I figure she and I could have a lot of fun being spectators. Since she will be with me, maybe I won’t drink until I throw respect for myself out the window, and then I won’t make poor life choices. That’s the plan.

I say poor life choices, but let me be clear… these people aren’t really pushy about sex. Yeah, they’ll ask if I wanna go hook up somewhere, and they get naked a lot (all of them)… but they’ve never badgered me into anything. The people I’ve hooked up with were nice enough. Nothing got weird later. Nothing got anything later. It was just something that happened. I enjoy the relaxed view of sex, even if I don’t want to actively participate in it. The poor life choice is that I did things just because I thought it was the thing to do, instead of doing it because I wanted to. That’s poor choices on MY end.

Anyways, I’m super excited to go. They’re always such fun parties. This one is to try and help raise some money for my friend that got hit by a drunk driver. Her car got totaled. Attractions, besides watching people get weird, include a kissing book, Thai yoga massage, bobbing for dildos (I’m so doing this), pin the tail on the bottom, sugar skull face painting, naked twister (which I will NOT be doing, but might watch), and something about claws… maybe a food item? I can’t wait to find out.

I’m thinking of bringing a sketch books and offering to do some quick caricatures to help out… I have to practice that style of drawing first, though… drawing with a marker can be tricky. I could just bring it and hand out doodles for a buck, I guess. Try to help and whatnot. ^_^ I dunno.

Anyways… I’m excited… and I’m excited to be going as an Ace.


So, I am off to Vegas on Monday.

I had planned a week of vacation for next week over a month ago… Two months, even. I was just going to hang out in my house and enjoy not being at work, but then opportunity fell in my lap.

We have a family friend that recently moved back to my home state. Her daughter is turning 21. For that momentous day, her mother booked a flight to Vegas. Since her mom recently got a new job, she couldn’t go… And this trip happened to be on my vacation. So I’m going.

Free flight.
Free room.
All I have to do is play nice with the daughter.

She’s nice enough. Psycho, perhaps, and proved, but nice enough. All I have to do is stay on her good side. I think, as a different breed of psycho, I can manage that.

She wants to smoke a lot of pot, do some drugs… Imma drink and have a good time, myself. If she gets arrested, I will call her mom, but that’s about it. I’m just excited to be leaving the state.

Still, I will miss my dogs, and my mom.

When I think about how much I will miss my mom I realized why I haven’t jumped state. I like to pretend that it’s because I can’t afford it, but really, I dunno what I would do without my mom. I’m nervous of going without her. I’ve been out without her, when I went to California to see a friend for a long weekend, but this is new territory. This is going to the City of Sin with a stranger. I’m nervous as hell. But I will have fun regardless. I’ve decided.

I’m also sad to miss my favorite local band opening for Lacuna Coil… Which I was supposed to go to with my bestie. But… Free is free… And if she got the opportunity, she’d go too, even if she can’t see that right now.

Anyways, I am going without any tech… Which will be weird for an Internet junkie like myself… But I think it will be good for me. I recently figured out that I might be giving myself carpal tunnel from my excessive typing… My hand has been killing me for days. So… That will be an adventure, too.