Quality Time

This past weekend, I got Chris all to myself from Friday night to midday Sunday. It was SO NICE OMG.

As a rule, I try not to be a clingy girlfriend, but if we’re being honest I would spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man. That’s new for me. Even with Grant, who is probably my best ex, I would get up early after he spent the night and make him leave. I don’t feel that way with Chris. It’s gross. I’m in love. That being said, this weekend was great.

Chris had the whole weekend off, but it had been a rough week for him, so when he arrived on Friday night I offered to buy dinner. We got Casa Gutierrez, which turned out to be pretty good Mexican, and watched some Daniel Sloss. Chris was in top form: by that, I mean he was so… up. I couldn’t help it, I asked if he’d considered that he might be bipolar. He just said yes. He was so happy, though. He was bouncy and wanted to snuggle, and we danced in the living room, and he was just so excited to be with me. It was really nice. He was happy to play Fluxx with me (lost Adventure Time & Batman, but owned him in Cthulhu Fluxx), and we went upstairs and played some N64 (which I super lost), and then we were watching Food Wars when I passed out. I hate when I pass out early, especially during Chris time, but he didn’t mind. He turned off Food Wars and we snuggled up and I slept really well…. until Frankie figured out how to escape the sleep kennel. My brain wakes me up when I hear Bdo feet. I rounded them up, though.

Saturday morning we snuggled a lot. I like snuggling him. Sue me. I had to run off to a hair cut at 10am with Mothership, and originally he was going to sleep while I was gone, but decided to run home. I was only gone for like two hours with Mothership, but she was acting hella weird. It dragged my mood way down for some reason. We got our hair cut, and then went to Torrid because she wanted some leggings, but she also bought me a really cute sweater. I offered to do something else with her, since we were out, but she just wanted to go home. I can’t exactly explain what was wrong, but it was just how she responded. She seemed annoyed, but I’m not sure that she really was. Anyways, I got home and my mood crashed, but I let Chris know I was home and sad. He came over hellbent on A, making me feel better, and 2, to take me on an adventure. He hugged me and showed me his box of N64 games, that are going to live at my house, now, so we can play. Then he decided we were going to Black & Read and pushed me out of the house.

I love Black & Read, but it’s way up north, so I don’t get up there that often. So we embarked on an adventure! It was especially an adventure because we had no idea how to get to Black & Read. In the car, I drove and Chris navigated. We played with Spotify and introduced each other to so good music. We sang. We laughed. I honestly loved just being in the car with him for like an hour. I just enjoy his company. Inside Black & Read was no different. We started together, pouring over the board games, talking about games we like, ones he has, ones we wanted, and just being mesmerized by the chaos setup of Black & Read. We picked up some “escape the room” card games to try, since I was having people over that night for board games, and then ended up splitting up to wander around. I scoured the books and reveled in the disarray of the Black & Read system (literally it’s STUFF EVERYWHERE vaguely sorted by games, books, or music, and then vaguely by genre). I found a couple of books (Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys & Blade Runner), and we met back up in the vinyl section, where I was debating buying some Jefferson Airplane.

By that point, it was mid-afternoon. We were hungry, but unfamiliar with the area. So… I checked the travel time and asked if he wanted Cajun. Chris always wants Cajun. So we loaded up and it only took about 30 minutes to get to Littleton. I took him to Nono’s… because of course I did. I didn’t think about it at the time, but we didn’t lack on conversation. It just… flowed. It usually does when we’re out and about. I love that about him. Afterwards, he’d googled how late this other game store I wanted to visit was open… and since it was open we loaded up and headed to The Gaming Goat. It’s a lovely store, complete with tables for playing the house games, of which there are MANY. And you don’t even have to rent the table. It’s first come first play, but they have plenty of room. And they let you bring your own food, etc. We looked at all their games, and I, in my infinite wisdom, bought yet another game called Apocrypha. It’s a really cool sounding game, though.

So we went home, and Rob & Amber flaked on game night, and Bird plain forgot… so instead we broke out Apocrypha and watched a tutorial on how to play, followed by us trying to figure out how to play. It was pretty fun. A little involved, but that’s the point. I ordered pizza pretty late, and even though he said he wasn’t hungry, he helped me half a pizza and half an order of meatballs that were crazy good. Then out of nowhere I decided we should watch Saw 3, because Saw is my favorite horror series, and he’s only see one and two. So we popped it in, but when they got to the part where the doctor has to cut open John’s skull…. Chris bitched out. Which I gave him shit for. I then reassured him that I can watch my torture porn by myself, and he doesn’t have to watch it with me. In response, we went upstairs and were going to watch something funny, but ended up just making out a lot and forgot about TV… and… ya know…

In the morning, Chris offered to go buy stuff for breakfast and I offered to cook it. I made him chorizo cheese grits with eggs, while he watched and asked questions about how to cook stuff. I like teaching him things. He doesn’t historically like grits… but it’s my favorite breakfast, so he tried mine. The difference is, mine are hella fucking thick… and he loved them! He ate more than I did. It was impressive. Then we just hung out for a while. He had to go pickup Addison in Brighton that afternoon, so we just snuggled up and watched some first episodes of some shows he was interested in. I was so happy.

Then he left… and I was going to do something with my afternoon, but I didn’t want to. I snapped him that I should have gone with him, and he said he was still at home if I wanted to come. So I did.I knew I should stay home and clean something or prepare for the week, but I just didn’t want to…

We left immediately, and it’s a long drive to Brighton, so we played with Spotify some more. It was fun! I was nervous, though. I was now showing up unannounced, and while Chris was obviously good with it, I dunno how the ex felt about it. The ex didn’t seem to mind, but she looked frazzled in general. She was fighting with Addi when they arrived, and I got the feeling that it was more or less an all weekend thing. I dunno, obviously, but I’ve seen many a frazzled mother. This wasn’t just “it was a long drive with a 5 year old” frazzled. But she said hello to me, hugged Chris (they’re trying to be friends), and passed Addi off.

What’s interesting is that I could SEE Addi fighting with her mom when they pulled up, but she got out of the car, caught sight of me, got in Chris’ car and proceeded to be calm, and even polite. My mom thinks that might be because I was there, since I seem to have a different relationship with her than other adults. Addison and I don’t have a long relationship, but the time we’ve spent together has had two things: clear boundaries and clear communication. I’ve setup a strong expectation of behavior since I started spending time with her and Chris, and that expectation is that if she’s well behaved we can have a lot of fun, as well as that if she throws a tantrum I don’t want to be around her anymore. I don’t know how accurate that inference is… maybe she changed because I was there and maybe not, but it was nice that she calmed down.

So, I thought after this we were going home, but I was wrong.

Chris has been trying to get me to go to dinner with his parents for a couple weeks now, so seeing his chance to force me into it by having driven us to Brighton, he then headed for Lakewood. We got to White Fence Farm and the place is a sensory overload. There were so many people, the wait time is 3 hours for a table, no reservations accepted, plus it’s part amusement park…. kind of like a Farm version of Casa Bonita. It was chaos, and Addi was not great at sitting still, so my stress went way up, but then we left. Chris got a table number, and when he was told there was such a long wait, he googled something else for us to do.

Much to my surprise, he took us to a 2nd & Charles. That was a great idea! Except that I spent money. He has to stop taking me to stores that want my money. He let Addi go mess around in kids books and toys while we looked at sci-fi and fantasy novels, and I picked up some books I definitely didn’t need. Addi came and found us with a basket filled to the brim with toys… and I had to laugh. She’d picked up two or three of things so she could give one to Isis (ex’s bf’s daughter) or her friend at school or her sister. Chris made her put everything back, but bought her a neon Freddy Fazzbear, since she’s obsessed with Five Nights At Freddy’s. I told her that if she found a book she liked I’d buy it for her, and she came back with three. If kids’ books weren’t so pricey I’d have gotten her all three… but instead I told her to pick one, which she did and put the rest back.  It was just nice to hang out with them in such a… me-friendly setting. We even found a table where we could play some games and taught Addi to play checkers. Then we loaded up and met his parents for dinner.

Kids are strange creatures. We met up with Chris’ parents at White Fence Farm and Addi turned into something of a brat. She seems to like her grandparents but she can flip on Chris’ dad in a heartbeat. I think she doesn’t like how he teases her, in that way that old men tease small girls. He threatened to toss her neon Freddy into a nearby fountain… at which point Chris did intervene and ask why his dad would continue to tease her knowing she was going to scream about it… which she did, and Chris had to haul her off for a conversation about behaving in public.

Dinner was great. I dunno how White Fence Farm has been operating in the red with that good chicken dinner they have. Crispy but fall off the bone tender… hard to do, but so tasty. Conversation with the parents was… good. I had a nice time, but I’m so fucking awkward. Chris was ever his reassuring self, though. We got through it. They did pick at Addi about eating, though. Chris, once again to his credit, told them to leave her alone. I really appreciate that he sticks up for his kid, especially when it’s an issue that he took my advice on how to resolve.

On the way home he and I played with Spotify while Addi played with her tablet. I just wallowed in the nice feeling of having had him for a whole weekend, and how I didn’t get sick of him or irritated with him once. That’s so rare for me. I’m a very lucky girl.

I’m so not used to being in love… but I like it more and more on the daily.

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A Magic (TG) Weekend

It’s been so long since I dated that I have forgotten WHEN THE FUCKING ANXIETY GOES AWAY, but I hope it’s soon.

I had a wonderful weekend. It was full of Chris.

Chris had plans to be at a Magic the Gathering tournament Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with his best friend Rob and his friend from out of state, John. His other plans were to see me in the evening.

So, Friday night after the tournament he came over and we went to see 90% Nineties, because I just wanted to get out. I’d had a terrible week: auditors and phones going down and HR problems and employee chaos, oh my. I guess that’s why I ended up drinking too much. I kept apologizing, to which he just replied I deserved to have some fun. We hung out. We played some cards. Bird & Dom came and hung out. We danced. It was a good time. Then he drove me home. I challenged him to Snowboard Kids 2 on N64, and totally kicked his ass. He got stuck. It was great.

Saturday I mostly slept off the hangover, and then hung out with Mom. We had to catch up on some TV. Saturday night, we hung out with Rob and John. I really like Chris’ friends. They’re interesting and fun, and I got to harass Rob about talking to my friend Amber. John is weird, in the sense he reminds me exactly of my friend Lo, except with a beard. They look the same, talk the same, and even move their mouths similarly. It’s fascinating. But we had a good time, played some board games, ate some Chinese. Then they wanted to play a new game, and for some reason we played King’s Cup. No one drank the cup, because we didn’t finish the game. Chris got tired and he was gonna fall asleep on Rob’s sofa, which we’d have to share with John, so I loaded him up and took him home. We were up a while after that, though. We were watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2, and laughing, and talking, and generally having a nice time just enjoying each other.

Sunday morning was nice. I got up and let the dogs out, and then I read for a while. I let him sleep till about 1130, and then he got up and went to cash in his prize tickets for the tournament. He saw more of Rob and John while I did NOTHING. I love doing nothing. Lol. Later he came back and we ate Indian food while watching The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It was a lovely time, really.

Chris came over last night, too. We were being flirty via text and he came over, and while we had a nice sexy time, we also talked about the fact that sometimes our minds wander. I told him that’s okay, and that sex is not the best part of our relationship. He agreed. It was awkward to talk about, but it was nice to kind of get it out there. I’m so used to being the only one that’s got that kind of prob. It’s nice to commiserate. Then we just hung out until he had to leave and go back to his dad life.

It was nice. I like nice.

Apparently *WE* are in love…

Chris came over last night. He didn’t stay, but he came over… because he likes me, I guess. So we were watching Adventure Time and staring deep into each other’s eyes, as we do to waste a significant amount of time, cuz we’re gross like that, and it was determined that we’re just gonna admit we’re in love.

Now, I’ve been low-key telling him I’m kind of in love with him for like a month… but it’s so nice to know it’s reciprocated. Like… I have warm gushy feelings about it. Which is weird, cuz I don’t fall in love. I’m an aromantic. This is all weird… but like… I’m so in love.

He even reassured me that if I think I’m acting needy I’m super not, and that he loves spending time with me, but also that it’s great he doesn’t feel like he HAS to. I guess the ex didn’t have friends she went out and did stuff with, so he felt like he HAD to be there with her all the time.

Meanwhile, I’m going to dinner and seeing Army of Darkness with Cat and Bird tonight. So, yay me for having friend people. Also, we’re thinking of setting my friend Amber up with his friend Rob. So, that should be an adventure. 😛

Tomorrow I get to meet Rob. The three of us are going to the beer festival. It’s gonna be a long day… but hopefully super fun. I’m excited. Gotta try to be careful what beer I drink, since I’m kind of allergic to so many of them. But I’m excited.

In general… I’m just… excited and happy and…. well I’m in love. It’s neat.


In other news, I caved and scheduled a pap smear… but it’s because I want to talk to my doctor about voluntary sterilization. They have a new, less invasive procedure where they go in and put coils in your fallopian tubes that get covered in scar tissue and prevent eggs from being released. This sounds awful, but it’s better than a laparoscopic thing where they physically go in and tie you off…. So I wanted to look into that.

I’ve decided, and decided a while ago, that I don’t want my own kids. At 30, I’ll either find a dude with kids, like Chris, or I can become a foster and adopt kids. We don’t need to be spreading my horrible genetics all over creation.

The Great Zoo Adventure

Saturday I went to the zoo with my boyfriend, his daughter, his ex, his ex’s boyfriend, and his ex’s boyfriend’s kids in some kind of hybrid terror of a mixed family event. Why did I do this? Because my boyfriend asked, and I’m kind of obsessed with him.

I would honestly love for this to be the part where I launch into a story of abject horror, where the ex tried to feed me to the lions, and she teamed up with her boyfriend to lock me in a pen with hyenas or something… but it was fine. We had fun.

The kids had a good time, especially, which is really what’s important, but the ex and her boyfriend seem mostly fine. My boyfriend’s daughter, Addison, is 5, and she just adores the ex’s bf’s 10 year old… who fortunately seems to reciprocate. Isis was great with BOTH the kids, actually, and was a good little helper. She would help reign in Addison, and she’d also keep an eye on Seth, her 3 year old brother. She also loves taking pictures, and took a ton of them and wanted to show them all to me… I was fine with this, but in true dad form, the ex’s bf told her not to. I’m sure he thought she was bothering me or something, but really I just kept telling her that when she’s a famous photographer she’ll have to send me her autograph… cuz I am that kind of human being. Lol.

I didn’t interact much with Seth, and the bit I interacted with Addison was mostly when I would be teasing Isis and Addison would want to be part of the fun. I don’t think Addison really cared about my existence one way or the other, except when I defended them with a water bottle at lunch (Canadian Geese, man… they’re brazen lil fucks). That’s okay, though. I get this feeling I’ll have plenty of time to make an impression on her…. Isis adored me, though. She just thought I was the cooliest… and I laughed at that, cuz I super am not… but I had forgotten how much I actually love hanging out with kids. They’re just so… fun.

Chris spent most of the weekend with me. He staid Friday night, and we watched The Possession… because obviously we had to. Then we went to the zoo Saturday, and he staid Saturday night. We watched The Orville, because we are nerds. Oddly good show, that… And then Sunday morning he got up, went to the store, and made me biscuits and gravy, which was awesome. I was hella impressed.

Things have been great… I’m super happy.

Unfortunately, they had to put his mom’s dog down yesterday… and I’m not sure what to do about that. When we put down Keagan I just wanted people to not talk to me and I slept for two days… I just told him that if there was anything I could do, that I would be happy to do it. I feel so useless when people are grieving… because there’s nothing you can do and nothing you can say that makes them feel even a little bit better. You just have to wait for the scar tissue to form over that place in their heart. When all you want to do is comfort someone, knowing there’s nothing you can do is the most hopeless feeling in the world.


Let’s end on a brighter note… I made Chris and I Facebook Official after the zoo, and here are some choice responses my friends posted.

Wow, he made it through the gauntlet? I’m impressed. 🙂

IT’S A TRAP! (complete with Admiral Ackbar gif)

If this is for real, fantastic! You deserve to be happy, sweetie! I admit, there’s a part of me that’s waiting for a punchline.

I have to second this sentiment. Like….. we’re not being punk’d here, are we?

Welcome to the world of tolerating another human being more than you thought possible.

Wait whaaaat?! I mean I’m definitely happy for you, just surprised, alt-me.

(many, many gifs of surprised faces and screaming)

Mi Novio

I had a lovely week last week. Chris’ daughter was out of town, so I got extra Chris time.

Saturday we went to the dog park. He brought Koopa, his boxer, and I brought Kyrie. I wasn’t sure how she’d do, but after she settled the fuck down she had a great time. Wore her out, though.

After that we went back to my place and watched IT, because he hadn’t seen it yet. Turns out he hasn’t seen the old one with Tim Curry, either. That’s really okay, since Tim Curry is the only good part of the old one, but he was like, “I wish they’d do a sequel where the kids come back as adults to fight it again.” And I was like OMG THEY DO! It’s gonna be great! Lol.

After that we went to Chili’s for dinner, and then to 2nd & Charles, where I bought way too many books. I have a book problem. But it was nice. I love 2nd & Charles. We ran into Bren and Michael, too. That was weird and fun. Lol. Michael is adorable. He kept making me go look at Mario shit with him.

Then we went back to my place and tried to figure out how to play my Call of Cthulhu: The Card Game. We were not entirely successful. I am going to look at the rule book this week and see if I can make any better sense of it so we can play. Lol. Half the problem was that Frankie wouldn’t leave Chris alone, though… she’s such a menace, but he takes it well.

I know it’s stupid to be excited about, but I asked him if he was my boyfriend and he said yes. Lol. At 29 it feels stupid to be excited about that, but I like the solidarity of titles. I don’t have to guess if we’re doing a thing here. We are.

My moods have been better. They were real whacked out at the end of last week for some reason. I’ve been better since the last entry, but I’m still going to tell my shrink about it tomorrow to see if she thinks I need a med adjustment… I’m betting I do… I’m still impulsively doing weird shit… like buying books… and declaring people mi novio.

In general, I’m happy. Things are pretty good, all things considered. I have some things I’d like to change, but I can do it gradually. I just… I dunno. I feel like I’m missing something and I haven’t figured out what it is yet… It’s odd.

Happy

Things are still going well with Chris…
I know.
I’m as shocked as you are.

I think I’m kind of in like with him. He’s so fucking nice, and I love being around him… he’s just… great. I don’t have like… a better explanation. I just like him. I wanna be around him as much as humanly possible. It’s weird, because I dislike seeing people too often, and I don’t like to cuddle, and I don’t like to make-out, or be touched very much, and all these things… but I like to with him.

He staid over last night. Poor guy had to get up at 4 and we went to bed at midnight. He was a good sport about it, though. He had said he wanted to come back tonight, to ACTUALLY watch The Conjuring with me… but we’ll see. I don’t wanna get my hopes up too high, but I just like seeing the guy. It makes me happy. HE makes me happy.

Don’t get me wrong… A married dude with two kids who lives with his parents wasn’t what I was really looking for… but I don’t really mind kids, and he’s got a job, and his goal is to get divorced and not live with his parents anymore. I’m willing to be patient about the things that aren’t ideal. It’s worth the risk that he’ll run back to his wife, because I’m just so happy right now. I don’t think he will, considering her boyfriend picked up Chris’ daughter to go to a wedding with the wife this week… cuz that’s pretty serious business, but until the divorce is finalized I run the risk anything could happen. Lol.

It is what it is… but I’m so very happy right now.. so… I don’t care.

Better

Exciting news on the puppy front! Kyrie loves her. They play in the living room. There’s something rewarding and adorable about my 45lb German Shepherd/Shar Pei/Chow mix trying to figure out how to play with a 2lb 3oz puppy that yips and squeals at every play bow. Kira plays with Frankie in the backyard, too. Kira, being a 40lb dog herself, is also crazy adorable when playing with Frankie. They play tag. Kira lets Frankie jump all over her. It’s so cute!

I’ve been worried about Kyrie, because she, like me, was in mourning of Keagan. Frankie really seems to have lifted her spirits, though. Everyone is getting something of a workout with Frankie around. She plays with Kyrie and Kira, she TRIES to play with Bdo and he cleverly evades her at every turn… and the cat is getting a lot of exercise loathing her existence. Lol.

Being happy has made me reflect on how much better I’m feeling on the whole. July 2017 Me wouldn’t believe that I was going to feel this okay, even if I went back and told her. She also wouldn’t believe that I actually whacked all my hair off. But the truth is, even with how wretched of a year I’ve had, I AM BETTER.

  • I don’t cry everyday for no reason
    • Or even for a reason like I just feel sad… cuz I don’t feel sad
  • I don’t feel like life is totally pointless
    • Only KIND OF pointless, in a fun way
  • I don’t obsess about my weight anymore
    • Am I fat? Yeah, but my wardrobe is hella cute
    • Also I’m not binge eating
      • Although sometimes I overdo on Chipotle…
        • I love Chipotle
    • But I’m also not dieting
    • I just feel good about me
  • I don’t dread social interaction
    • I’m even branching out into new social interactions
      • Like Pathfinder up at Robot Boy’s place
    • And I’m kinda half-dating someone now
    • And I can’t wait to take Frankie places after she gets all her shots
  • My mess bothers me
    • Like, if I don’t clean the house this weekend, I’m gonna lose my shit, cuz I deserve to come home to clean and organized
    • I also need to clean both cars
    • And mow the lawns
    • And probably rearrange the living room better
  • I have the desire to do things
    • I want to clean the house
    • I want to finish cleaning out the basement
    • I want to clean out the crawl space
    • I want to zero-scape the backyard
    • I want to repaint the inside of the house
    • I want to redo my bathroom
    • I want to get my banisters redone
    • I want to organize all my art stuff
    • I want to read more
    • I want to get back into illustration
    • I have art projects I want do
    • I want to train Frankie to be SUCH A GOOD GIRL
    • I want to retrain Kira
    • I want to go to the dog park with them
    • I want to display my Halloween town and Monster High dolls
    • I want to organize my books
    • I want to crochet some stuff for winter
    • I have so many wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me think about how far I’ve come, because I’d lost so much.

It’s uncanny to think that I could have been so poorly off and no one knew. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t trust them with my feelings. I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I didn’t want to sound whiny and emo. I didn’t want to burden anyone. And mostly I just didn’t trust them.

I’ve had problems with interpersonal relationships for… probably as long as I can remember having interpersonal relationships. I didn’t have friends going into middle school so I hooked up with people I saw as nerds, and then abruptly dropped them when I hit high school because they were nerds. To get friends in high school I essentially fabricated my whole personality to match what the kids I wanted to associate with were into. I didn’t bring much of myself into that. In college I felt incredibly lost because everyone was gone to other schools or on with their lives. When my best friend left to law school I had a complete freak out trying to figure out what I’d do without him. Even after college, I settled into a version of myself that I had to build from the scraps of who I’d been and who I lied about being. It’s only recently I’ve kind of let those things go and just EXISTED as a person.

I’m not saying I found myself, because that sounds new age-y and weird. I’m just saying that for once I’m not trying to be anyone. I’m not trying to be edgy. I’m not trying to fit in. I’m not trying to live up to some standard I think you have that I can’t even verify exists. I’m just living. I’m doing stuff. I’m trying to enjoy life.

It’s nice.