A Magic (TG) Weekend

It’s been so long since I dated that I have forgotten WHEN THE FUCKING ANXIETY GOES AWAY, but I hope it’s soon.

I had a wonderful weekend. It was full of Chris.

Chris had plans to be at a Magic the Gathering tournament Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with his best friend Rob and his friend from out of state, John. His other plans were to see me in the evening.

So, Friday night after the tournament he came over and we went to see 90% Nineties, because I just wanted to get out. I’d had a terrible week: auditors and phones going down and HR problems and employee chaos, oh my. I guess that’s why I ended up drinking too much. I kept apologizing, to which he just replied I deserved to have some fun. We hung out. We played some cards. Bird & Dom came and hung out. We danced. It was a good time. Then he drove me home. I challenged him to Snowboard Kids 2 on N64, and totally kicked his ass. He got stuck. It was great.

Saturday I mostly slept off the hangover, and then hung out with Mom. We had to catch up on some TV. Saturday night, we hung out with Rob and John. I really like Chris’ friends. They’re interesting and fun, and I got to harass Rob about talking to my friend Amber. John is weird, in the sense he reminds me exactly of my friend Lo, except with a beard. They look the same, talk the same, and even move their mouths similarly. It’s fascinating. But we had a good time, played some board games, ate some Chinese. Then they wanted to play a new game, and for some reason we played King’s Cup. No one drank the cup, because we didn’t finish the game. Chris got tired and he was gonna fall asleep on Rob’s sofa, which we’d have to share with John, so I loaded him up and took him home. We were up a while after that, though. We were watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2, and laughing, and talking, and generally having a nice time just enjoying each other.

Sunday morning was nice. I got up and let the dogs out, and then I read for a while. I let him sleep till about 1130, and then he got up and went to cash in his prize tickets for the tournament. He saw more of Rob and John while I did NOTHING. I love doing nothing. Lol. Later he came back and we ate Indian food while watching The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It was a lovely time, really.

Chris came over last night, too. We were being flirty via text and he came over, and while we had a nice sexy time, we also talked about the fact that sometimes our minds wander. I told him that’s okay, and that sex is not the best part of our relationship. He agreed. It was awkward to talk about, but it was nice to kind of get it out there. I’m so used to being the only one that’s got that kind of prob. It’s nice to commiserate. Then we just hung out until he had to leave and go back to his dad life.

It was nice. I like nice.

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Apparently *WE* are in love…

Chris came over last night. He didn’t stay, but he came over… because he likes me, I guess. So we were watching Adventure Time and staring deep into each other’s eyes, as we do to waste a significant amount of time, cuz we’re gross like that, and it was determined that we’re just gonna admit we’re in love.

Now, I’ve been low-key telling him I’m kind of in love with him for like a month… but it’s so nice to know it’s reciprocated. Like… I have warm gushy feelings about it. Which is weird, cuz I don’t fall in love. I’m an aromantic. This is all weird… but like… I’m so in love.

He even reassured me that if I think I’m acting needy I’m super not, and that he loves spending time with me, but also that it’s great he doesn’t feel like he HAS to. I guess the ex didn’t have friends she went out and did stuff with, so he felt like he HAD to be there with her all the time.

Meanwhile, I’m going to dinner and seeing Army of Darkness with Cat and Bird tonight. So, yay me for having friend people. Also, we’re thinking of setting my friend Amber up with his friend Rob. So, that should be an adventure. 😛

Tomorrow I get to meet Rob. The three of us are going to the beer festival. It’s gonna be a long day… but hopefully super fun. I’m excited. Gotta try to be careful what beer I drink, since I’m kind of allergic to so many of them. But I’m excited.

In general… I’m just… excited and happy and…. well I’m in love. It’s neat.


In other news, I caved and scheduled a pap smear… but it’s because I want to talk to my doctor about voluntary sterilization. They have a new, less invasive procedure where they go in and put coils in your fallopian tubes that get covered in scar tissue and prevent eggs from being released. This sounds awful, but it’s better than a laparoscopic thing where they physically go in and tie you off…. So I wanted to look into that.

I’ve decided, and decided a while ago, that I don’t want my own kids. At 30, I’ll either find a dude with kids, like Chris, or I can become a foster and adopt kids. We don’t need to be spreading my horrible genetics all over creation.

The Great Zoo Adventure

Saturday I went to the zoo with my boyfriend, his daughter, his ex, his ex’s boyfriend, and his ex’s boyfriend’s kids in some kind of hybrid terror of a mixed family event. Why did I do this? Because my boyfriend asked, and I’m kind of obsessed with him.

I would honestly love for this to be the part where I launch into a story of abject horror, where the ex tried to feed me to the lions, and she teamed up with her boyfriend to lock me in a pen with hyenas or something… but it was fine. We had fun.

The kids had a good time, especially, which is really what’s important, but the ex and her boyfriend seem mostly fine. My boyfriend’s daughter, Addison, is 5, and she just adores the ex’s bf’s 10 year old… who fortunately seems to reciprocate. Isis was great with BOTH the kids, actually, and was a good little helper. She would help reign in Addison, and she’d also keep an eye on Seth, her 3 year old brother. She also loves taking pictures, and took a ton of them and wanted to show them all to me… I was fine with this, but in true dad form, the ex’s bf told her not to. I’m sure he thought she was bothering me or something, but really I just kept telling her that when she’s a famous photographer she’ll have to send me her autograph… cuz I am that kind of human being. Lol.

I didn’t interact much with Seth, and the bit I interacted with Addison was mostly when I would be teasing Isis and Addison would want to be part of the fun. I don’t think Addison really cared about my existence one way or the other, except when I defended them with a water bottle at lunch (Canadian Geese, man… they’re brazen lil fucks). That’s okay, though. I get this feeling I’ll have plenty of time to make an impression on her…. Isis adored me, though. She just thought I was the cooliest… and I laughed at that, cuz I super am not… but I had forgotten how much I actually love hanging out with kids. They’re just so… fun.

Chris spent most of the weekend with me. He staid Friday night, and we watched The Possession… because obviously we had to. Then we went to the zoo Saturday, and he staid Saturday night. We watched The Orville, because we are nerds. Oddly good show, that… And then Sunday morning he got up, went to the store, and made me biscuits and gravy, which was awesome. I was hella impressed.

Things have been great… I’m super happy.

Unfortunately, they had to put his mom’s dog down yesterday… and I’m not sure what to do about that. When we put down Keagan I just wanted people to not talk to me and I slept for two days… I just told him that if there was anything I could do, that I would be happy to do it. I feel so useless when people are grieving… because there’s nothing you can do and nothing you can say that makes them feel even a little bit better. You just have to wait for the scar tissue to form over that place in their heart. When all you want to do is comfort someone, knowing there’s nothing you can do is the most hopeless feeling in the world.


Let’s end on a brighter note… I made Chris and I Facebook Official after the zoo, and here are some choice responses my friends posted.

Wow, he made it through the gauntlet? I’m impressed. 🙂

IT’S A TRAP! (complete with Admiral Ackbar gif)

If this is for real, fantastic! You deserve to be happy, sweetie! I admit, there’s a part of me that’s waiting for a punchline.

I have to second this sentiment. Like….. we’re not being punk’d here, are we?

Welcome to the world of tolerating another human being more than you thought possible.

Wait whaaaat?! I mean I’m definitely happy for you, just surprised, alt-me.

(many, many gifs of surprised faces and screaming)

Mi Novio

I had a lovely week last week. Chris’ daughter was out of town, so I got extra Chris time.

Saturday we went to the dog park. He brought Koopa, his boxer, and I bought Kyrie. I wasn’t sure how she’d do, but after she settled the fuck down she had a great time. Wore her out, though.

After that we went back to my place and watched IT, because he hadn’t seen it yet. Turns out he hasn’t seen the old one with Tim Curry, either. That’s really okay, since Tim Curry is the only good part of the old one, but he was like, “I wish they’d do a sequel where the kids come back as adults to fight it again.” And I was like OMG THEY DO! It’s gonna be great! Lol.

After that we went to Chili’s for dinner, and then to 2nd & Charles, where I bought way too many books. I have a book problem. But it was nice. I love 2nd & Charles. We ran into Bren and Michael, too. That was weird and fun. Lol. Michael is adorable. He kept making me go look at Mario shit with him.

Then we went back to my place and tried to figure out how to play my Call of Cthulhu: The Card Game. We were not entirely successful. I am going to look at the rule book this week and see if I can make any better sense of it so we can play. Lol. Half the problem was that Frankie wouldn’t leave Chris alone, though… she’s such a menace, but he takes it well.

I know it’s stupid to be excited about, but I asked him if he was my boyfriend and he said yes. Lol. At 29 it feels stupid to be excited about that, but I like the solidarity of titles. I don’t have to guess if we’re doing a thing here. We are.

My moods have been better. They were real whacked out at the end of last week for some reason. I’ve been better since the last entry, but I’m still going to tell my shrink about it tomorrow to see if she thinks I need a med adjustment… I’m betting I do… I’m still impulsively doing weird shit… like buying books… and declaring people mi novio.

In general, I’m happy. Things are pretty good, all things considered. I have some things I’d like to change, but I can do it gradually. I just… I dunno. I feel like I’m missing something and I haven’t figured out what it is yet… It’s odd.

Happy

Things are still going well with Chris…
I know.
I’m as shocked as you are.

I think I’m kind of in like with him. He’s so fucking nice, and I love being around him… he’s just… great. I don’t have like… a better explanation. I just like him. I wanna be around him as much as humanly possible. It’s weird, because I dislike seeing people too often, and I don’t like to cuddle, and I don’t like to make-out, or be touched very much, and all these things… but I like to with him.

He staid over last night. Poor guy had to get up at 4 and we went to bed at midnight. He was a good sport about it, though. He had said he wanted to come back tonight, to ACTUALLY watch The Conjuring with me… but we’ll see. I don’t wanna get my hopes up too high, but I just like seeing the guy. It makes me happy. HE makes me happy.

Don’t get me wrong… A married dude with two kids who lives with his parents wasn’t what I was really looking for… but I don’t really mind kids, and he’s got a job, and his goal is to get divorced and not live with his parents anymore. I’m willing to be patient about the things that aren’t ideal. It’s worth the risk that he’ll run back to his wife, because I’m just so happy right now. I don’t think he will, considering her boyfriend picked up Chris’ daughter to go to a wedding with the wife this week… cuz that’s pretty serious business, but until the divorce is finalized I run the risk anything could happen. Lol.

It is what it is… but I’m so very happy right now.. so… I don’t care.

Better

Exciting news on the puppy front! Kyrie loves her. They play in the living room. There’s something rewarding and adorable about my 45lb German Shepherd/Shar Pei/Chow mix trying to figure out how to play with a 2lb 3oz puppy that yips and squeals at every play bow. Kira plays with Frankie in the backyard, too. Kira, being a 40lb dog herself, is also crazy adorable when playing with Frankie. They play tag. Kira lets Frankie jump all over her. It’s so cute!

I’ve been worried about Kyrie, because she, like me, was in mourning of Keagan. Frankie really seems to have lifted her spirits, though. Everyone is getting something of a workout with Frankie around. She plays with Kyrie and Kira, she TRIES to play with Bdo and he cleverly evades her at every turn… and the cat is getting a lot of exercise loathing her existence. Lol.

Being happy has made me reflect on how much better I’m feeling on the whole. July 2017 Me wouldn’t believe that I was going to feel this okay, even if I went back and told her. She also wouldn’t believe that I actually whacked all my hair off. But the truth is, even with how wretched of a year I’ve had, I AM BETTER.

  • I don’t cry everyday for no reason
    • Or even for a reason like I just feel sad… cuz I don’t feel sad
  • I don’t feel like life is totally pointless
    • Only KIND OF pointless, in a fun way
  • I don’t obsess about my weight anymore
    • Am I fat? Yeah, but my wardrobe is hella cute
    • Also I’m not binge eating
      • Although sometimes I overdo on Chipotle…
        • I love Chipotle
    • But I’m also not dieting
    • I just feel good about me
  • I don’t dread social interaction
    • I’m even branching out into new social interactions
      • Like Pathfinder up at Robot Boy’s place
    • And I’m kinda half-dating someone now
    • And I can’t wait to take Frankie places after she gets all her shots
  • My mess bothers me
    • Like, if I don’t clean the house this weekend, I’m gonna lose my shit, cuz I deserve to come home to clean and organized
    • I also need to clean both cars
    • And mow the lawns
    • And probably rearrange the living room better
  • I have the desire to do things
    • I want to clean the house
    • I want to finish cleaning out the basement
    • I want to clean out the crawl space
    • I want to zero-scape the backyard
    • I want to repaint the inside of the house
    • I want to redo my bathroom
    • I want to get my banisters redone
    • I want to organize all my art stuff
    • I want to read more
    • I want to get back into illustration
    • I have art projects I want do
    • I want to train Frankie to be SUCH A GOOD GIRL
    • I want to retrain Kira
    • I want to go to the dog park with them
    • I want to display my Halloween town and Monster High dolls
    • I want to organize my books
    • I want to crochet some stuff for winter
    • I have so many wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me think about how far I’ve come, because I’d lost so much.

It’s uncanny to think that I could have been so poorly off and no one knew. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t trust them with my feelings. I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I didn’t want to sound whiny and emo. I didn’t want to burden anyone. And mostly I just didn’t trust them.

I’ve had problems with interpersonal relationships for… probably as long as I can remember having interpersonal relationships. I didn’t have friends going into middle school so I hooked up with people I saw as nerds, and then abruptly dropped them when I hit high school because they were nerds. To get friends in high school I essentially fabricated my whole personality to match what the kids I wanted to associate with were into. I didn’t bring much of myself into that. In college I felt incredibly lost because everyone was gone to other schools or on with their lives. When my best friend left to law school I had a complete freak out trying to figure out what I’d do without him. Even after college, I settled into a version of myself that I had to build from the scraps of who I’d been and who I lied about being. It’s only recently I’ve kind of let those things go and just EXISTED as a person.

I’m not saying I found myself, because that sounds new age-y and weird. I’m just saying that for once I’m not trying to be anyone. I’m not trying to be edgy. I’m not trying to fit in. I’m not trying to live up to some standard I think you have that I can’t even verify exists. I’m just living. I’m doing stuff. I’m trying to enjoy life.

It’s nice.

New Beginnings

I will never stop grieving the loss of my Keagan. Let me make that perfectly clear. I’m not leaving him behind. I’m not forgetting him. I could never replace him. No one could ever mean more to me than he did. To that end, I wear a picture of us on a silver necklace every single day, and intend to wear it every single day, forever.

That being said, one must live. So, I’ve began to do a number of rash and spontaneous things. For once this is not binge eating or drinking too much… instead I started by whacking off my hair.

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My hair dresser, quite correctly, was terrified this would be a bad idea. I’d gone quite short once before and hated it, but this time… I think I have it on lock this time. I just needed change. I needed to get rid of the baggage I was metaphorically carrying around, and nothing quite feels like lifting that, than whacking off a good 7 inches of hair.

37650652_2124475984491527_7616077764386357248_o I didn’t stop there, though. My next feat was to SPIKE that do up into a mohawk, much to the dismay of my mother. I loved it. I relished how much she hated it, but smiled anyway, in that way she does when she doesn’t like what I’m doing but supports my choice to do so. I enjoyed the feeling of doing something I’d yearned for since I was was in high school, but didn’t have the courage to do. I liked feeling edgy, even though I’m nearly 30. I liked the stares, in particular a little girl with tight, kinky hair piled high on her head. She stared at me like something she couldn’t even fathom existing, and I bent down to tell her I liked her hair. I wallowed in my mixture of self-consciousness and pride in my appearance. It was a wonderful day, that was only to get better.

dl5zpyw5k3jeb.cloudfront.net On Thursday, I’d gotten an email about a puppy. I’d setup an alert email for shelter corgis within 50 miles on PetFinder. I didn’t expect to find one, or that if I did that I could even afford to adopt it, but I liked the emails full of furry faces with big ears just the same. But, Friday morning I was sent this sad little face. I can’t say why, but I fell in love. That face made me want to cry and all I wanted was to hold this puppy.

The shelter, Moms and Mutts, is specifically a shelter for pregnant and nursing strays, as they’re often put down in other shelters because a litter of puppies takes up a lot of room. I had arranged to head over and just LOOK at this little ball of joy with Mom after work, but i37620963_2124904891115303_3004902537829548032_nt turns out this isn’t really that kind of shelter. Instead, I was directed to fill out an adoption application. They wouldn’t tell me how much the adoption would be, but I filled it out anyways. I expected to be rejected, because I have so many animals already, and I would be kenneling the puppy while I went to work. At least, I thought, I could say that I tried.

Obviously, I got approved.

I was waiting for a phone call from the shelter, letting me know if I got approved, and Saturday afternoon after Mom and I went to see Incredibles 2, I was idly checking my email. There it was… an email saying I sounded like a great home for a puppy. The puppy I’d applied for would be at an adoption event on Saturday from 11-5 at the nearby mall. It was 3pm. I thought very hard about not going, because it was already so late in the day. At the end of it, I wanted to know the pup went to a good home and wasn’t still sitting there, though. So, I rang up Mom to see if she wanted to go look at puppies with me, just to see if my puppy was there. She wasn’t excited but she came. I figured she’d take me to dinner as a consolation prize after we discovered my puppy adopted.

37583688_2124904851115307_6138505724893855744_nImagine my surprise when Mom and I arrived and there she was. The only one of her litter left. I asked about the price… It was a lot. A very lot. I was disheartened. I am used to the Dumb Friends League’s prices, and usually I don’t get actual puppies. That was when something unexpected happened. My mother asked if that was the one I wanted.

My mother is against us each having five animals. Four dogs and a cat is a lot, and while the passing of Keagan broke her heart as much as mine, for she’d bought him for me to take care of me, and he’d done a very good job of that, she was glad to see we were at least going down in numbers a little. So, it was much to my surprise when she had me go ask what the price included, and when I reported back it included the first round of shots, puppy deworming, microchipping, a month of pet insurance, and her spay. Mom ran the numbers in her head, determined that was an acceptable price for all that, and if I wanted the puppy… she’d put it on her Amazon card and rack up some points.

I cried. Like a lot. She got mad at me for crying about it, because it made her also cry. I was just so grateful, and then she took me to Petco and helped me buy my new little bundle of joy some sweaters, puppy pads, a collar, etc. I have a really good Mom.

“I would do anything to make you happy.”
-My mom on why she helped me get a puppy

So that’s what I’ve been up to.

I named the puppy Frankie. As the smallest in her litter, she’s a whole 2 lbs 3 oz, and in great health. I took her to the vet and they looked her over for me, and decided to de-worm her again, just in case, but didn’t charge me for the exam. She came out of a corgi, but we don’t know what the father was. I’m guessing it may have been a chihuahua, but it’s hard to say. Her whole litter all look different. One looks like a teddy bear. It’s crazy. So we’ll see what she grows up into.

I was worried the dogs wouldn’t like her, especially Kira since she is oh so possessive… but much to my surprise, Kyrie and Kira LOVE her. They play with her in the house and in the yard, and they’re not that put off by her except that she’s very loud when she wants to be. It’s pretty cute since they’re both 45-ish lb dogs and she’s so very small. I was surprised Bdo isn’t into the puppy… he seems to feel like she’s infringing on his territory of being the baby. I’ve gone to great lengths to try and keep almost everything the same as it was, but he is still offended. She tries to play-bow him and he blatantly just walks away from her. It’s sad, but funny. Kato… I was really hoping Kato would like Frankie, but she’s hissed at her a couple times and I caught her swatting at her once. I guess it makes sense, since the ONLY dog Kato liked was Keagan, but it’s still kind of sad. I thought they could be buddies.

The first couple of nights were bad. She’s 11 weeks old and it shows… she cries at night, she didn’t like sleeping in the kennel, and she has to potty at night… but I went and bought a baby toy that makes a heart beat sound… and she’s sleeping better than ever now. She still has to pee at 1am, but getting up once is better than 6 or 7 times.


Also… I’m seeing a dude.

We’re not serious or anything, but he’s super nice. His name is Chris, he’s 32, he used to own a game shop that went under, and he’s got 2 kids, 10 and 5. We talk about books and music a lot. He took me to tacos. I took him to Pathfinder and burrito. Yesterday we split the bill on some Korean BBQ.

I haven’t met his kids, yet. He asked if I wanted to and I told him no. It’s too soon. This could all crumble into little pieces at any second. He understood that, but he goes out of his way to text me on the daily if for nothing else than to say hi. I like him, but I want to go slow. He asked if he could kiss me when he dropped me at home yesterday, and I told him not yet. He was not offended.

I like that he’s patient with me. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not putting my metaphorical eggs in that basket, but it IS nice to have someone I look forward to hearing from… and he was excited about baby Frankie… so… hard to complain.


Things are still hard. The house is still a total wreck. I’m still not exercising. I still miss Keagan. I’m still not up on the housework.

Still, things are better. I’m not HAPPY, and I’m not even quite back to where I was before Keagan passed away, but I’m working on it. I’m on the road to it.