I’m Back To Blue

I cancelled my shrink appointment in October, so I’m definitely on my own for mood management again. I hate the med trials, and the very nonchalant way shrinks are just like,

“You have to try shit till it works… that’s all we can do.”

Why is that all they can do? If I have a lung infection they don’t give me random meds until something works. They isolated the likely cause of of lung infections and prescribe antibiotics accordingly. So if I’m having symptoms, why can’t they take those symptoms and give me the BEST option for the most likely culprit of my symptoms?

I’m sad.
You’re bipolar.

Maybe, but I’m only worried about the sad?

We’re gonna treat the mania.

I don’t care about the mania.
Nah, we’re gonna treat the mania.

Will that help the sad?

In theory it might. If not, we’ll add more meds later.

I don’t want more meds. Can we just treat the sad?

No, we’re going to treat the mania and later we can treat the sad.

BUT I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE MANIA!!! I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE GOD DAMN IT! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!

This is why we have to treat the mania… you’re irritable.

Literally my experience with the psychiatric community.

I sometimes worry about my future, as the only thing I can predict about it is that I’ll think about suicide. I already do that a lot, so it’s not a far fetched idea to think that will persist. I worry about reaching a place where I’m in between pets, mom has died, and I feel alone… cuz that’s when it could definitely happen. I don’t have a resilient force of will with suicide, it’s just always been inconvenient. If it were suddenly less inconvenient, I’m not sure what I’d do. I only tried the once as a teenager, and that was a complete failure I never tried to repeat again.

I dunno. I just feel hopeless about everything. I wanna move us to Oregon for a change of scenery, but I have no reason to think that will improve my depression. I’ll just be depressed around a lot of trees instead of in the ‘burbs of Denver. It’s worth a shot, I guess. It’s got Mothership motivated to try and get shit done, at least. A light at the end of the tunnel… just hope it’s not a train.

Aside from being really tired and crying in the bathroom at work, I seem pretty normal, though. I’m even supposed to go see that guy again on Saturday to get my bangles back from him. He’s really nice. I’m still sad that isn’t gonna work out. I don’t really think that subjecting a normal human being to my bipolar sociopathic ass is really good for either of us, though. People like me are what Lifetime movies are trying to warn you about.

Randomly, I keep thinking about my ex… the one I’d like to drag into the street an beat to death before setting his body on fire… I’m not sure why. It’s been almost 8 years since the breakup, and I’ve ever dated since then, but I can’t let it go. I still wanna hurt him. I guess that’s from the lack of meds. All the emotions that swirl underneath my calm demeanor are bubbling over cuz they can. It’s just a random thing to feel so angry about this much time later. Some hurts never go away, I guess….

Anyways, I’m depressed…. but I think it’s okay right now.

I’m gonna try to start hitting the gym… I hate the gym, but I do sleep better if I can get all the rage out… and I’d like to lose some weight if that’s possible (like a whole person worth of weight, tbh).

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General Update & Review of The VVitch.

Be sure to pop over to my 300 Days of Sunshine Blog for my review of The VVitch!

I’m actually debating if my first YouTube video should be my review of The VVitch. I keep thinking that I’ll think of something amazing to do for my YouTube channel, but prolly not. It’s prolly just gonna be me, doing random shit and complaining about stuff….

I’m supposed to have a date tonight. I dunno if he’s really gonna confirm or not… I don’t even know if I really wanna go. He seems really nice, but we don’t actually seem to have that much in common. All my interests are things he USED to do… like in high school. My current personality is literally “TEENAGE BOY.” That’s prolly off-putting to point out… Lol. My friend in Australia says I’m an Android, and that’s why I’m this way… so NOT the female cookie cutter that we’ve come to know and kinda love-hate.

I’m still miffed at SupaNerd. He texted me, though… Finally. Prior to that he hadn’t sent a text my way since Feb 9th, and aside from calling him out, I hadn’t heard from him. I can’t figure him out. Michael, the AU friend, says that he’s just looking for sex… but I feel like if that were the case he’d have tried something… and he definitely did not. I thought maybe he’s just busy moving his geriatric father out here, but I can’t really confirm that it’s eating up much of his time. I just don’t get him, and that bothers me. I don’t usually have to guess at the motivations of people. It’s jarring as fuck. I dunno if I should be mad at him or not.

Everyone at work is spooked… The Mad Russian may be on his way out. He bought a getaway car. That’s never good in the car biz. A bunch of people are buying them. We’re all a bit worried about that. Yeah, there are people I dislike here, but the known is always better than the unknown… You never know who will end up working here if people leave. At least I know these people and their games. Yeah, business is incredibly bad right now, but it’s bad all over. It’s just that time of year. It’ll pick up and it will be hellish. Still… it’s concerning.

Nothing else particularly interesting is happening in my life. Lots of watching Markiplier on YouTube… that’s about it.